Mazzus blog

Percussion Cover of "It Ends Tonight"

2011-12-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

I recently began writing a Percussion Cover of "It Ends Tonight" by The All-American Rejects. This is the first 1/3 or so of the song.

It Ends Tonight {INC}

Writing Plays is Kinda Fun

2011-09-07T21:32:00.001-04:00

Another(unfinished) project from last semester. Another play. ( Here's the first Play I posted, which people seemed to enjoy )
Re-reading this has allowed me to discover one of two things: Either I’m really funny, or I just greatly amuse myself. You be the judge.

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Rum

Characters
Craig Litser – College Student, Psychology Major. Doesn’t know how to cook
Eli Bay – College Student, ‘un-declared’. Too lazy to cook
Fran Lisa – College Student, Psychology-Sociology Double Major. Vegan.

Setting
Apartment of two college students in Tennessee.

ELI returns from the gym, sits on a stool in front of the kitchen counter.
ELI: So, what’s for dinner?
CRAIG: Ramen.
ELI: You know what I could go for?
CRAIG: I don’t care, Eli.
ELI: Salmon. Baked Salmon, with steamed vegetables and light-as-air biscuits.
CRAIG: That sounds great. But, unless you’re going to get off your ass and cook it, you’re going to be eating Ramen tonight.
ELI: You really ought to learn how to cook, bro. Especially if you’re going to move in with the Vegan chick.
CRAIG: Fran. Her name is Fran.
ELI: Whatever. Her name isn’t as important as the fact that she’s a Vegan. You know what that means?
CRAIG: She doesn’t eat meat.
ELI: Exactly! And, if she doesn’t eat meat, then there goes your manhood.
CRAIG: What are you talking about?
ELI: C’mon bro. Everybody knows that if you eat nothing but veggies you turn into a giant puss. That’s why you never see any masculine guys that are Vegans.
CRAIG: That makes absolutely no sense.
ELI: It makes PERFECT sense. You eat like a cow, or whatever, and then you turn into a giant puss. It’s how they get you.
CRAIG: Oh please. Not another government conspiracy.
ELI: Nope. Even worse. A conspiracy of the opposite sex.
CRAIG: (mumbles) Idiot
ELI: Don’t mock me. It’s the truth. They feed you like an animal because they want to train you to act like one. Make you more submissive. Turn you into a giant puss. It’s a scientific fact.
CRAIG: Alright. First off, what do you know about science? And secondly, wherever you got that information from – assuming it isn’t from your incredibly warped imagination – is clearly not a reputable source.
ELI: (sighs) Don’t say I didn’t warn you bro.
(Fran enters, rolls her eyes as she walks past Eli. Smiles as she stands beside Craig)
ELI: Well, speak of the devil
FRAN: Why am I not surprised that you were sitting here talking about yourself. So self-centered.
ELI: (scoffs) You’re so hilarious. Really. I’m in stiches.
CRAIG: If I didn’t know any better I’d think you two were the couple, with the way you argue.
FRAN and ELI: That’s not funny, Craig.
CRAIG: (pauses) That was a bit too creepy for my taste.
FRAN: Speaking of taste. (looks down at bowl of Ramen) That stuff isn’t good for you.
ELI: Oh, here we go.
FRAN: It’s true. They deep-fry animal toe-nails and mix it with their hair. It’s so disgusting. You shouldn’t eat that stuff. I have some organic carrots, if you want. (pulls bag of carrots from her purse)
CRAIG: No thanks, babe. I’ll take my chances with the (pauses) deep-fried animal toe-nails and hair.
FRAN: Suit yourself. I’ll let that slide for now, but once we get married it’s all Vegan all the time. I won’t have you dying on me because of your terrible food choices.
ELI: (mumbling) No. She would much rather have you dying when she stabs you in your sleep after finding out that you ate a doughnut at work.
CRAIG: It’s a good thing that’s a while away.
FRAN: What’s that supposed to mean? (angrily bites into a carrot)
ELI: That poor defenseless carrot. What did it ever do to you?
FRAN: You shut your mouth, Eli. Craig, what was that? “A while away”? So, you hate me now? Just because I said you can’t eat Ramen?
CRAIG: (stuttering, trying to find something to say in defense of himself)
ELI: You do realize you sound like a crazy person, right? How did you get “hate” from his basically saying “if we do get married, it definitely won’t be tomorrow”?
FRAN: I AM NOT CRAZY! (angrily bites into another carrot)
ELI: Again, with the carrot-abuse. I’m going to call PETA, or whatever their vegetable-abuse equivalent is.
FRAN: Craig, are you going to say something? Your friend just called me crazy.
CRAIG: She (pauses) She isn’t crazy, Eli. She’s just emotional. Which I understand. (pauses) I didn’t mean to say that the way it came out. Of course I don’t hate you, Fran. But, I also don’t want to get married -
FRAN: (interrupting Craig) Ever?! But, why?!
CRAIG: I didn’t say that. Let me finish. (pauses) I don’t want to get married anytime soon. We’re still in college. Let’s try to graduate and get our bearings in the real world before we talk about stuff like that.
ELI: (mumbles) Hopefully by then you’ll be rid of this psycho.
FRAN: If all of your friends are assholes like Eli, then you won’t have anything to worry about. I don’t think I’d be able to stomach the idea of being with someone who surrounds himself with idiots.
CRAIG: Eli isn’t an idiot. And, aren’t you still overreacting a little bit. Did you hear anything I just said?
FRAN: Sure. You said we won’t ever get married.
ELI: Wait. Did she just -
CRAIG: That’s not what I said. I said we can get married, in the future. But, we should be older and better acclimated with the real world, before we do that.
ELI: I think -
FRAN: There is no future, Craig. It’s 2011. The world is going to end in 2012. We’re all doomed. If we don’t get married RIGHT NOW then it will never happen.
ELI: And, yet I’m the idiot. I happen to have a 4.3 GPA, by the way.
FRAN: Yeah, but you don’t take any real classes. You take nothing but electives. You’re a lazy bum. And, I’m not an idiot. The Mayans -
ELI: The Mayans were an Ancient race that was, for the record, wiped out by invading Europeans. Even if they did have a calendar that went past 2012, maybe those idiots burned it up. Or, maybe the Mayans were working on it before they were invaded.
FRAN: There would at least be a record of -
ELI: Don’t interrupt me. You’re going to miss the most irrefutable part of this argument.
CRAIG: Oh boy. Here we go.
ELI: Maybe the Mayans, in their infinite wisdom, thought, “Gee, Two-Thousand and Twelve is a long time from now. Surely, by then future civilizations will have grasped the concept of writing down the date in a consecutive manner, and keeping the months in order. Surely, they will be intelligent enough to at least grasp that simple concept, and won’t fuck it up and make every day Monday or Wednesday or whatever. Surely, they will grasp the concept of counting to 30 and then starting over”.
(CRAIG and FRAN look at one another as ELI catches his breath)
CRAIG: Can I just say, that is the most logical argument you’ve ever made. Seriously, where did that come from?
FRAN: An article on ‘The Rum’. My favorite internet site ever. I guess even idiots know how to navigate the internet.
ELI: (scoffs) Wrong, again, psycho Vegan. I wrote that article. In fact, I’m the creator of ‘The Rum’. (pauses) Not such an idiot now, am I?
FRAN: No way.
CRAIG: And all this time I thought you were so protective of your computer because you didn’t want me to find your porn collection.
ELI: I wish I had time to watch porn. But, I’m so busy looking up stuff to write about, I don’t have time. Plus, I can’t risk getting a virus and someone hacking my system and stealing my articles.
FRAN: (still in disbelief) I can’t believe you are the creator of ‘The Rum’. The greatest thing to ever happen to the internet was created by (pauses) By a Neanderthal. This completely shatters my world views. I think I’m going to be sick.
ELI: Joke all you want, crazy, but the joke’s on you. You’ve secretly been worshipping me all this time.
FRAN: (gasps) Oh no!
ELI: Oh yes. Oh yes.
CRAIG: Ok. I’m a little confused right now. What are you two going on about?
ELI: Your girlfriend here -
FRAN: Eli, please don’t tell him! Please! I’m begging you! I’ll do anything.
ELI: That wouldn’t be the first time you made that promise to me.
FRAN: Well, if had known it was you -
ELI: But, you didn’t because you’re a giant, assuming ‘holier-than-thou’ asshole who thinks she knows everything.
CRAIG: Alright. First-off, don’t call my girlfriend an asshole. Secondly, what the hell are you guys talking about?
ELI: Well, my friend. Your girlfriend here has been sending me all sorts of fan mail -
FRAN: Oh god.
ELI: Fan mail that has been very (pauses) sexual, in nature.
CRAIG: Sexual? What? This is a joke, right?
FRAN: Yes. It’s just a cruel sick joke. My worst nightmare, come to life.
ELI: Oh, this is no joke. I have proof. I print out every fan letter I receive, should I need to bring it to the police one day. You just never know.
CRAIG: Still hoping some crazy hot girl will stalk you and try to force you to have sex with her?
ELI: I’m halfway there. I’ve got the crazy and the girl parts down (looks over to FRAN) But, I’m still missing the key component of her being hot.
CRAIG: This all sounds too much like a crappy sitcom plotline.
FRAN: That’s because it is. You know Eli. Always trying to pull people’s strings. He’s just joking around. Right, Eli?
(Eli pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his back-pocket. He unfolds it and begins reading)
ELI: (clears throat) Dear writer and editor of ‘The Rum’, I adore you.
FRAN: That could be from anyone.
ELI: Oh, it says your name at the bottom. See (shows Craig the paper)
CRAIG: Wow. I never pictured you as the type to write letters to people unless it was about saving kittens or something.
FRAN: Craig!
ELI: Very nice. I wish I had thought of that.

---

Again, it’s not done(which seems to be my major issue with everything I write. *sigh*). Any feedback would be great.

,Mazzus Keesaji

It’s Story Time

2011-09-05T18:55:00.001-04:00

So, last semester I decided to take a Creative Writing Class. It was a fun experience, and it helped me a lot with my writing. It also helped a lot with my confidence in my writing. We learned about the different forms of writing and how to use certain tools in situations to change a story entirely. I loved it.

This is a story that I wrote when we were working on Dialogue. It's got A LOT missing, but I think that the missing parts are what makes the story that much more suspenseful. It'd be very much appreciated if you guys could read this and let me know what you think. Or not. Just throwing this(and probably a few others in the coming days) out there for the heck of it.

Anyways, here's the story.

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Breaking Point

The young man sat, restless. The expensive leather couch he sat on adjusted to his movements, fitting his body as he moved to rest his feet on the also expensive leather ottoman. He sat for a moment, silent.
“If you’re that bored why don’t you go out and do something? We live in freaking Los Angeles. If you can’t find a way to be amused out here, you’re not going to find any amusement anywhere.” A voice came from across the room.
“I can only be amused if there’s something entertaining. And nothing fun ever happens on a weeknight. And, we don’t live in L.A. We live NEAR L.A. And, besides, I wrecked the Jag and got my license suspended, remember?”
“I’ll disregard you being a smartass and chalk it up to Cabin Fever. Why don’t you have Jim drive you?”
“It’s almost midnight. The guy has a family. I’ll be fine. I can find something to do around here.”
“He has a family that he’s able to feed because he works for us. Call him, and if he says no tell him he’s fired. And don’t pull that ‘If you’re up for it’ crap, anymore. They work for us. If they think we’re nice, they’ll take advantage of us. ‘I was hoping to spend tonight with my family’ will turn into ‘I need to take the month off’, and we don’t want that.”
The young man sighed. Ever since their parents died, leaving them with a fortune, his brother had been turning more and more into a spoiled asshole. ‘If mom could see the way he turned out, she would be ashamed,’ he thought.

“I can’t believe that! You guys really should stand up to those spoiled brats. Just because they’re rich doesn’t mean they get to treat other people like crap.” Jim’s wife stood in-front of her husband, disbelief etched across her face.
“Yeah, but those spoiled brats are the reason we’re in this house, and the kids are in such a good school. Not to mention that SUV we got out in the garage was a gift from them. And, it’s not both of them. That older kid, he’s the real trouble. His brother, though, seems like a really good kid.” Jim half-smiled as he looked from the kitchen, to the living room where his kids were playing. ‘To think, just a few years ago we didn’t have any of this.’ He thought.

“Is everything alright? You kids need me to take you to the emergency room, or something?” Silence. “Hel-“
“You know what, Jim? There is an emergency. The emergency is that I’m bored as hell and you’re at home sitting on your ass. So, how about you get in that fancy SUV I GAVE you and get over here. I want to go out tonight.”
Jim, shocked, began reaching into the abyss, looking for words to grasp at in response. Sure, he expected this from the older brother, but the younger one was never any trouble for him at all. Finally, calmly, he spoke, “I was actually hoping to spend some time with my family tonight, if that’s alright. I know you boys have a big week next week, so I wanted to spend some time with my family now since I won’t get to see them too often.”
Guilt. It hit hard at first, but his brothers words continued playing in his mind. “I don’t care about next week, Jim. I care about tonight. And, tonight, I want to go out. So, either you get your ass over here, or I’ll find somebody who will and then you can spend as much time as you want with your kids, because you’ll be out of a job and they won’t be in that nice, fancy school anymore.”
Jim began to speak, but paused. He wanted to listen to his wife, and stand up for himself. But, he also wanted to keep his job, and make sure his kids continued getting their stellar education. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes, sir.” Jim said.
“Make it ten”

Jim sat, in silence, driving the stretch limo. It was nearing 3AM and he had done nothing but drive the past 2 hours. Every place they went to was either closed, full, or peaked little interest from his passenger. 2 hours of driving, waiting, and driving some more. No words were spoken, aside from ‘stop here’, and ‘wait in the car’. Jim could feel his eyes beginning to heavy, and his vision began to blur.
“I’d like to stop and get some coffee, maybe fill up the tank as well, if that’s alright.” Jim said into the intercom linking him to the back of the limo.
“That’s fine Jim. Just make it quick. I want to go home.”
As the limousine pulled next to a gas pump, Jim noticed a dark blue SUV pulling in behind him. He paused for a moment, but brushed off the thought. He swiped the credit card, put the nozzle into the side of the limo, and began walking inside for his coffee. Jim, once again, paused as he opened the door to the gas station. As he began turning, a man exiting through the door he was holding open thanked him. Jim nodded, disregarded his thought, and went inside to get his coffee.
‘This thing is taking forever. I hope the kid doesn’t get pissed at me,’ Jim thought as he waited for the coffee machine to finish his extra-large cup. Confusion came across his face when he noticed the cashier, and a handful of fellow customers, looking through the glass doors. He stood on his tip-toes in an attempt to see over the shelves, but gave up when he heard the coffee machine *ding*. ‘Finally’, Jim turned around and grabbed the cup. He winced, reacting to the heat emanating from the cup. He paid for his coffee, along with a magazine and a pack of gum.
“What was that commotion, earlier,” Jim asked.
“Oh, just some homeless guys harassing a customer. That happens a lot, especially when you’re driving a limousine. These people aren’t exactly-Sir you forgot your receipt!”
The cashier watched as Jim bolted out of the door, and ran to the limo, hoping that nothing had happened. ‘Worst case scenario, he will just be really pissed off, right?’ Jim asked himself. He knocked on the window, and waited. Nothing.

“They think you did what?!”
“They think I killed the kid. You gotta get me out of here. I need to make sure my wife and kids know I’m innocent. I’ll pay you back the money, I promise. Just come bail me out, please.” Jim still couldn’t believe the situation he was in. It was bad enough that he had to deal with seeing a dead person for the first time in his life, but he also had been accused of killing him and was being held under suspicion for that reason. His night couldn’t possibly get much worse, could it?
“Jim, buddy, you have to understand why I’m about to ask you this, alright?”
“Ask me what? What are you talking about?”
“It’s just, I know you Jim. I know you didn’t like those kids bossing you around. I know they drove you pretty crazy.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Jim, how do I know you didn’t kill the kid? You hated them, so it makes sense. It was early in the morning, you were tired and frustrated, and wanted to go home to your family. Maybe you just”
“I didn’t snap! I didn’t kill the damn kid. He was dead when I came out of the station.”

Months passed by. The first court hearing was filled with hearsay and accusations, with very little proof. The judge, however, wasn’t willing to dismiss the trial just yet; having seen Jim’s lack of self-control for himself, when he tried Jim on a juvenile case many years ago, the judge knew this wasn’t completely out of Jim’s range to do something like this.

Jim sat, across from his wife, a different man than he was just a few short months ago. Tired, defeated, and angry, he could barely manage to fake a smile. Not that it mattered. His wife knew him better than anyone. She would know if he was faking it.
“The kids miss you a lot.” Jim’s wife broke the silence. “They keep asking when you’ll come home, and why you’re here.”
“What do you tell them?”
She sighed. “That it’s all a mistake. But, they’re starting to hear things. The kids at school are bullying them, and their friends aren’t allowed to play with them anymore. Jim, everything is starting to fall apart.”
“I’ll talk to the guys, see what I can do. If I’m in here, I want you and the kids to still be taken care of.” Jim’s face changed. The defeat vanished, as his worry and love for his family, took control.
“It’s not about that, Jim. Everything is fine. The older one has been coming by the house, making sure everything is okay. He said that he blamed himself for this, and wanted to help us any way he could. He’s even been picking the kids up from school for me, while I was working. He’s been”
“Don’t let him near our children again. He is a terrible person. He will poison our kids, turn them against us. It won’t end well for anybody. Trust me, please. That kid needs to stay away from our family. I have some money stashed away, for emergencies. And I’m sure you have some friends that can watch the kids. Or, what about your sister?”
She looked over to Jim, silently. There was calmness, stillness, in her voice as she spoke,” Jim, I trust him. He has done nothing but be helpful to us, despite the fact that you are being accused of killing his brother. I’m going to keep trusting him, because we need someone to take care of our family, while you are in here. And, I can’t do that alone, Jim.” She paused. A look came over her, only for a second, but Jim caught it. “We- I’ll bring the kids by to see you soon.” She smiled, stood up, and turned to leave.
Jim sat, speechless. He wanted to not believe the stories his mind was fabricating, but being locked away had already begun to warp his mind. His paranoia began running rampant, but he dared not speak on it. He just hid the thought, in the far recesses of his mind, not knowing that it would do nothing but grow and take control of him.

“Has the jury reached a decision?” The judge looked out over the courtroom. Everyone there seemed to all have identical looks on their faces. They already knew the outcome of this trial.
“We have, your honor,” the juror paused. “We unanimously believe that this man is guilty of all charges. The evidence, along with his own confession, makes us all one-hundred percent certain that this man killed his two bosses and his own wife in an act of passionate rage.” The juror paused, looking from the judge to Jim, before sitting down.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself, sir?” The judge looked at Jim, a look of disgust on his face, the same look he had pinned on his face from the first time I laid eyes on him.
“If my mother were alive right now she’d have kicked me in the ass, as soon as she found out about this. I know she’s watching me now, so I’ll say, ‘sorry momma. But, every man has his breaking point and mine were reached.’”

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Hope you liked it. I'll be posting more in due time. Just trying to pick which ones I want to post.

,Mazzus Keesaji

Psychology and Psychosis III–TJ’s Art of War

2011-09-01T13:32:00.001-04:00

So, we’ve covered Why none of you really have anything to worry about and My fantastic love-hate relationship with everybody who has ever existed ever in the history of everything

Now, it’s time to get into the real stuff. The stuff I don’t actually want to talk about, but have to talk about because it’s been eating at me for years and I need to let it out.

We actually covered a bit of this in Part II, but it never hurts to go into detail about certain subjects, so that’s what we’re doing here. “Details are what make life interesting.” I’m sure somebody said that.

The Theory

As was discussed in PP-II, I’m not much of a people person. And, for the most part, people don’t really dig the idea of being around me all that much. So, theoretically, this is the perfect situation. But, every once in a while I get this feeling like Person A would actually be a very good person to have in my life. But, then the reality sets it.

I’m not too good with this whole ‘being a normal person’ thing. It’s a challenge for me to carry on a conversation with anyone who isn’t inside of my brain and, therefore, bends to my every demand(unless I’m having one of those really bad days where I can’t control anything that goes on in my mind and everything is just nonsense. Those are awesomesauce.).
So, my natural demeanor is to just sit here and let people talk. They talk, I listen. I throw in input, if I feel it will help, and then let them talk some more. That’s just how it is.
And that’s with normal relationships. But, every once in a while, I find myself thinking the most frightening thought imaginable: “I like her.”
That worries me because, considering how often I get sick of being around myself, it stands to reason that other people definitely wouldn’t want to be. Especially not in that sense. And, given my ‘glorious’ record of ‘incredible’ past relationships, I thinks it’s safe to say my theory is not unfounded or based on paranoia.

The Reasons

There are plenty of reasons why that scares the piss out of me.
Relationships are messy. People’s feelings get hurt, and they can change who you are as a person(more often than not, it can be for the worse. Because, usually, a relationship ends in a bad way. And bad things happening almost never ends with a positive outcome.). Nobody wants that. No matter how much they may hate being alone, it’s much better than being with someone, getting hurt, and then being alone with a giant hole in your heart because somebody took a part of you when they broke it.

But, it’s more than just fear of the pain that may come if it ends badly. The fear comes from the sense that there’s a lack of knowing. A lack of people knowing me and, much worse, a lack of me knowing myself. It’s difficult to let other people in and see who you are, when you don’t known who you are. The dynamic of my ever changing mindset makes the ability for me to let people in near-impossible. That’s why it’s so rare. I can’t give you knowledge that I, myself, don’t even have.
Which is terrible because, when I get the urge to open up to someone and possible try to start something, I don’t know where to begin because it’s all a giant mess. That’s the main reason I’m still sitting here, doing nothing. It’s not that I don’t want to say anything, it’s that I can’t because I don’t know how.

Though, it is worth noting, I’ve had some instances where people have managed to help me learn things about myself. Things I didn’t know, and probably never would’ve known if it weren’t for them being in my life to the capacity in which they were involved. So it would make sense if, as someone from my past said, “One day you’ll meet a person who will teach you much more about yourself than anyone ever has. And, hopefully that girl will find a way to finally make you a happy person.”(Way to put a ton of pressure on every girl I’m ever going to meet. You’re such a good friend.)

The other part of that is the fear that the person I am now may not be capable of being in a normal relationship. And that not only frightens me, but also ticks me off.
All of the past relationships ended in damage. Massive amounts of damage. It wasn’t fun. At all. But, it’s been 3 years since the last one. That’s enough time to mature and change, which I have done. But, the specter of those past failures definitely still haunts me. I suppose I won’t know what I’m capable of until I’m put in a situation where I have to find out.
Baptism by Fire, as it were.

How Much Do You Know

That question often determines everything. People who know me, know my past and know how I operate, they’re the ones that are smart enough to know not to get too involved. Unless they have some sort of desire to fix damaged people, or are just masochists.
But, the problem is that knowing nothing about a person makes it much less likely for you to want to be involved with that person in any capacity. So, in order to break past that barrier, I’d have to let people at least get a foot in the door. And, I’d have to fight the temptation to stomp on their toes once they do so. Uncomfortable for everybody. Nobody wants to deal with that. Having to fight to get in, and fight to stay in. Me having to fight myself to let them in and fight myself ever harder to let them stay in. It’s all a mess. But, it is what it is, right? Until the day somebody finds a way to get in without setting off all of the alarms and without having to walk on eggshells. But, the worry is that such a person doesn’t exist. And that I’ll have to change everything. Or, at least, the majority of the things. And that is a task I’m not looking forward to tackling anytime soon. Let alone doing so on my own, which is where it seems my life is headed in the foreseeable future.

What Does It All Mean

In the end, it’s all on me. I’m well aware of this fact. But, I’m also well aware of the kind of person I am. The dangers I face in letting myself open up to someone again. But, I know if I do it would probably work out pretty well.
The only issue is that, between now and whenever a decision is made, I’ll be sitting here continuously over-analyzing ever last second of the day and every interaction we have. Because that’s just the way I am. I think too much. About everything. Literally. That’s something I know I still need to change. I need to find a way to quite my mind. Being a creative is not worth this constant awareness I have. Not by a long shot. I’d rather be an idiot than be this way. My mind is constantly on overdrive. That’s probably why I have to do this as often as I do. To keep my sanity.

Part IV is coming soon. While writing this I remembered that I’ve got another big one to write about. It should be pretty interesting. Something you ‘normal’ people might actually be able to relate to, as well.

Hoping you know me a little better, but trying not to think too much about it(especially since you probably won’t read this)
, Mazzus Keesaji

Surprise Promotion (like Surprise Dice, but less…Dicey. Or something.)

2011-08-04T00:30:00.001-04:00

I’ve known about this for a few weeks now, but I wanted to wait until it was 100% official. Also, I wasn’t really sure if anyone would give a crap. But, I have thoughts swarming around in my head, and I need to get them out. And that’s what a blog is for. So, here goes.

As of this Summer I am the full-time Marching Percussion Director of a High School down here in Georgia. But, I was a bit less excited at first(and that’s coming back to me now)
1. This is completely out of my comfort zone.
-I’ve only been with this school for 2 years(this will be my second).
-And it’s a show-style band. The way they do things is very much different from what I’m used to.
2. This came completely out of Left Field. Hell, this came from the other side of the ocean.
-I wasn’t told by the Percussion Director, or the Band Directors(who didn’t even know about it until I told them). I was told by one of the Alumni who had seen him(the PD) at the grocery store. There was no forewarning at all. It was just, “Surprise. You’re Percussion Caption now.”

The worst part about it is: I don’t think I’m ready for this just yet.
The Band Directors(Hands down my favorite BD’s I’ve worked with, so far. They’re both fantastic), and the rest of the staff, are awesome.
The kids, themselves, are trying to adapt as well.

This caught everyone off guard. It’s going to take time for everyone to get things back to normal.

I suppose I’m worrying for nothing. Just wouldn’t have hurt to have had some advance notice. We could’ve started sooner to get everybody comfortable sooner. As opposed to finding out in the middle of a rehearsal that I’m taking over.

Make no mistake, I’m very excited about this.
But, I’m also extremely nervous.
This is my chance to do something I’ve always wanted, so I might as well make the most of it.

If any of you old people have advice, it’d be greatly appreciated.

A very apprehentious, but excited newly-minted Percussion Caption
,Mazzus Keesaji

USMNT Makes My Brain Hurt

2011-06-26T02:01:00.001-04:00

Haven't blogged in a while, but after that Gold Cup Final, I had to get this all out and Twitter wasn't cutting it tonight.

Where to begin...

Don't fire Bob Bradley.
There, I said it. I've been in the "Fire Coach Sweats" Camp for a while(I was just a lot less vocal than most of the others who shared that opinion).
The list of things BB has done wrong is probably longer than the list of things BB has done right.
But, the tired “Fire Bob because we need a change” argument is getting old. And, frankly it’s kind of wrong.

When we complain about Bob Bradley the first thing that comes to mind is the Team coming out flat at the beginning of matches. That was still evident, but in the biggest match of the tournament didn’t they score 2 goals in the first half? Doesn’t seem flat to me.

Next issue: Bob’s ridiculous lust with the base 4-4-2 formation. Well, he kicked that in the ass and had some success doing it. 4-2-3-1 up in this bitch.

Another big issue: Bob’s Player selection. This one is easy. Bob can’t control when a player gets injured. He’s not magic. He’s human. Also, for the flack he gets, shouldn’t he get some credit for Freddy freaking Adu? Seriously. Everybody and their grandma said that selection was a terrible idea. And now everybody is all on Freddy again because HE KICKED ASS. But, Bob clearly had nothing to do with that. He didn’t evaluate Freddy and put him on the roster.

Hey Landon, Where are you?
Remember when Landon scored that goal last Summer? Remember how awesome he was? Now think about all of the Gold Cup matches. Specifically, in the 2nd Halves of matches Landon started. Our 10-shirt has been AWOL in the 2nd half all Summer. Seriously. I’m starting to think that he cursed himself with that goal. LD needed to show up, and he did with that goal in the 1st Half. But, when the team needed him to do what Landon Donovan does best, he was nowhere to be found.
Granted, he didn’t see the ball much(most of the US players didn’t, sans-set piece opportunities.) still, he just didn’t do anything. Deuce is the greatest contrast to Landon, while still being the closest thing to his equal. We all know Clint Dempsey is, hands down, the best all-around player for the USMNT. Landon is the ‘face’ of the team, but Deuce does everything. Before there was Landon scoring that goal, there was Clint Dempsey making the run and taking the initial shot point-blank and essentially stopping the keeper from being able to save LD’s shot.

Landon isn’t old, yet. He’s at, or approaching, his peak. He’s got plenty of good football left in him, he just hasn’t been playing it lately. Why? Who knows. Maybe his 2 month twitter hiatus has actually ruined him. Point is, he’s got to step it up. We shouldn’t have to start looking for the ‘Landon Donovan heir apparent’ for another 5-6 years. But, if he continues his current run of form, we will need to have that player in place by AT LEAST the next World Cup.

The Ghost of Tim Howard
Let me first say this: If you think Tim Howard wasn’t at fault last night then you are 100% wrong. That’s all there is to it. I know we’re all used to Timmy being epic and one of the few bright spots when the US loses, but last night he was not that. He was terrible. So put on your Bornstein Pajamas and stop Defending him(see what I did there. Bornstein Pajam…ya know, my humour is appreciated elsewhere. Screw you guys, I’m going home.)

This really only pertains to the match against Mexico, and there were a lot of factors that played into this, but it’s definitely still worth mentioning: How effing terrible was Tim Howard in that final match? Of all the people to completely shit the bed in a big match, Timmy is the LAST person you’d expect. Seriously, the list of players that you expect to play like crap goes 1. Every other player in the USMNT Player Pool 2. Tim Howard.
The big issue was that his defenders completely let him down. BUT, some of those goals were directly the result of Tim Howard trying too hard to be Tim Howard and not be a regular ass Goalkeeper. Sometimes the super saves aren’t what we need. Sometimes you need to just be in the right effin spot. But, Tim forgets that sometimes(see: MOST of the time). He’s a great Keeper. Easily Top 10 in the World. But, something he lacks that guys like Manu Neuer and Saint Iker have is the ability to know when to make the superb show-stopping save and when to stay on your goddamn like and not go charging out at an attacking player and flail on the ground hoping you’ll take the ball off of his foot before he gets a shot off. I seriously almost attacked my TV in rage when Tim did that. Seriously. My TV was almost sacrificed because of his stupidity.

Those Damn Injuries(and a really tired German)
Charlie Davies instead of Wondo would’ve been nice.
Stu Holden, anybody?
Jay DeMerit back when he knew how to stay healthy?
Gooch back when he wasn’t utter shite?
Timmy Chandler attacking up the flanks would’ve been fan-effin-tastic.

There are certainly others. Benny Feilhaber comes to mind(although, Ale Bedoya showed up big time when he was called on. Wasn’t consistent, but when he was on, he was really on. Kid looked good. Bright future in the SA-Kit for sure.)
Point is, There’s a half-dozen what-if’s to consider. Those injuries made life infinitely more difficult for Bob and everybody else. If the US had their full A-Team, who knows what could’ve happened.

Another Disappointment(?)
It was said heading into the Gold Cup, and it’s worth repeating: Mexico is far-and-away better than the US. El Tri are taking massive steps forward. USMNT? They’re just kinda there. Is that Bob’s fault? Maybe. The players definitely have a lot of improvement that needs to be made. Otherwise, 2002 looks more and more like a gigantic fluke. People stateside refuse to accept that, and the players no doubt will as well. But, until they actually put in the results, isn’t it going to seem more and more like that’s the case?

An extremely worried about Brazil 2014 USMNT Supporter

,Mazzus Keesaji

P.S.: Hoping for a good result for Germany’s WNT today, and a good tournament from them. Home Turf this year. Make it a treble, and do what the boys couldn’t back in 2006.
And, of course, Good luck to USWNT. Gotta pull for the Americans. At least, until they face Germany. Then all bets are off.

P.P.S: If anyone in\near Atlanta wants to hang and watch the matches, I’m going to be at Fado’s in Atlanta for most of the Matches.

Help Fix My Dialogue: Part I

2011-05-17T03:19:00.002-04:00

I NEED YOUR HELP! Yes YOU! Random person #8 reading this in Canada and\or Japan(according to Blogger, those are my major non-USA Demo’s. I’m going global bitches!)(also, yes I said and\or, thus leaving open the possibility that someone is in both Canada and Japan simultaneously. I don’t know how it’s happening but you never know, You just never know.)
*EDIT
Just checked blogger. My major demo's are now Russia and The Ukraine. That's pretty intense.

As some(see: all, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve read\tweeted) of you may know, I’m a writer, of sorts. By that I mean, try to be a writer. While my classmates, and teachers, in my English and Lit Classes have all said I am a good writer, I feel I am not(I’m 4’11”. My ego is more fragile than a millimeter thin sheet of glass. What do you want from my life.). And, while they all say that my dialogue is amazing, I think it’s a giant piece of poop.

And, as you can tell by my incredibly catchy and creative title, that’s why you are here. To help me fix it. So, here’s the deal. I’m currently 40-ish pages deep into a story. I want to make sure I’m not wasting my time pushing forward when I need to fix what I already have. So you, yes you(!) will help me. How? By reading, of course! I’m going to post some chunks of dialogue from my story(tentatively titled, ‘Bloody Rose Pt. II’{long story, in regard to the sequel status}). You will not be given an pre-story before hand(although, there may or may not be a bit of that after the dialogue or at the very end of this blog post. I’m going to do this writer-style and see where the arc takes me before I make any executive decisions.). I just want to see how well the dialogue stands on its own, and whether you can get an idea of who these characters truly are, from what they say. I’m going to try to put as little ‘action’ in as possible. All I need you to do is read, and critique. And, if you want to read more, I will gladly let you do so.

Bit of the Disclaimer: Some people will recognize elements of this story. However, it’s OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE to do 2 things: 1 – forget everything you heard. and 2 – realize that 95% of what I’ve written is FICTION. Also, if you feel obligated 3 – realize that I’ve felt like a giant piece of shit for 3 years, and still do, despite the fact that what everyone thinks they know is not what really happened. And, a suggest 4 – Please still read this. And then you can tell me how much you hate it and hate me. It’s a win-win! And a lose-lose for me. What better outcome for this, than those 2 things.

Set I -

"Ok so what are the odds that we all end up dating the same girl. That won't happen right?" Zach asked.
"It better not. That might be a little weird. Us all dating the same girl. If that happens I call Fridays." Aaron said.
"Not what he meant dumbass. He meant us all, at some point in time, having dated the same girl. Kinda like what happened with Erin." Alex said.
"Yeah, except you didn't actually date her you loser."
"And whose fault is that Aaron?"
"Hey man. You didn't have to listen to me." Aaron smirked.
"Yeah, but I did. How was I supposed to know this would happen? And you've killed other chances too, ya ass" Alex said, half smiling.
"Well, one thing we don't have in common with you is Kayla." Aaron said.
"That's not entirely true. If I'm not mistaken you two had a bit of a thing before I got here. Get with the program Zach. You’re slackin’." Alex laughed.
"No. That's all-right with me. I'll leave that one to you guys. Here's an idea. You guys fight to the death for her. Ready, go." The three laughed.
“What’s so funny, guys?” Erin walked over to where the three were with a smile on her face as she watched the three laughing.
“Oh nothing. We’re just having another one of our weird guy talks that you hate so much.” Zach said. Erin rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
“You should probably stop staring. You’ll make Kayla jealous.” Aaron said to Alex.
---
This set is actually at the very beginning of the story. As in, it’s the first dialogue you read. It introduces Alex(the main character) his two closest friends(Aaron, and Zach) and(I feel) their very quirky relationship and this really un-desirable bond they have with one-another(having, all at separate points in time, been involved with the same girl(s)) It also semi-introduces Erin(who plays a HUGE role in the next few chapters) and in a spoken-of way, Kayla(the other ‘main character’ for much of the first half of the story. Don’t worry, she doesn’t die. At least, I don’t think she does.)

Set II -

Anna smiled as she reached Alex. “Hey, I have a question.” Anna said.
“Alright, what is it?” Alex asked.
“You took Physics last year right?”
“Yeah. Why? Dr. Angio being tough on you guys?” Alex asked, smirking.
“Oh god. You have no idea. He is the hardest teacher I've ever had. I hate his class. And I really, really need help. Can you help me? Please?” Anna said, with her hands clasped.
“Alright, alright. What do you need help with? I'll see what I can do.” Alex said.
“I just need help with this lab report we have to do. He has us doing a bunch of weird stuff that I don't know how to explain. I'm so confused.”
“Ok. I did pretty well on my labs, so I should be able to help you out. When is it due?”
“Ummm...tomorrow morning...”
“What the hell Anna...”
“I know. If you can't help then it's ok. I guess I can figure it out on my own.”
“Oh, way to make me feel guilty. You're lucky I was going to agree to help anyways. So, how are we going to do this?”
“I was thinking we just meet up tomorrow morning before school? I have most of the lab done already, but I just need to make sure it's right. And there are some parts that I'm not sure about.” Anna said.

---
First, let me say Anna is as dumb as this makes her appear to be. She is, in reality, one of the smartest characters I’ve ever written. And, no, this isn’t that “pretend to be dumb to you can hang out with hot smart person” bs either. This is called being human. We can’t all understand everything. And, this allows me to perfectly set up the first ‘major-arc’ in the story. The Alex-Anna Conflict(Which, honestly, doesn’t last that long at first.)

Set III -

Aaron sat, with a puzzled look, opposite Alex. The two had just spent the morning recapping their weekends, and Alex made a surprising revelation to his best friend.
“How is it possible that you’ve managed to jump from Erin to Anna to Kayla, then back to Erin and now Anna AND Kayla?” Aaron asked, after moments of silence while he attempted to comprehend what his friend had told him.
“Doesn't matter anymore. Only one that I know that doesn't like me is Kayla. And that can't happen ‘cause she's with that asshole, Chris.” Alex said.
“Wait. I know what happened with Erin, and obvious roadblocks are keeping you and Kayla apart. What happened between you and Anna? Did I miss something?” Aaron asked.
“Oh right, I forgot I hadn’t told you about that yet. So, last night Anna and I were hanging out.”
“You guys went on a date?”
“It was something like that. It started off innocent enough, but then we started talking about stuff and then craziness happened.”
“Dude, you sound like such a girl. What exactly happened?”
“We had a great time. Got to know each other a lot better. And we made out. We literally made out for a half hour. It was epic. And after that I took her home and we sat in my car and talked for a while and then made out in the car. And I thought everything was great between us, but then this morning she text me and said it can’t ever happen again. Didn’t give any reasons for it. She just said it can’t happen again, and I haven’t heard from her since then.” Alex said.
“Harsh. Aaron said.
“Yeah. And, I have no clue what happened. All I know is, last night we were great, and things were on the road to us dating. And now, she won’t even talk to me.” Alex said, the level of frustration rising as he spoke.
“Relax, dude. Anna isn’t a bad chick. I’m sure there is a good explanation behind this. Maybe it’s hormones or something.” Aaron said.
Alex sighed. “I hope not. Because that would mean that it was the hormones that led to all of this happening in the first place. I’d much rather that have been real, and her reaction just be some weird…I don’t know what. If what happened was of her own doing that means it’s more likely that we can find some sort of solution and then this whole thing can be worked out.” Alex thumbed the keypad on his cellphone as he said this. He wanted to call Anna. He’d tried before, but he wanted to keep trying. Maybe she thinks I wasn’t serious about it. Maybe it’s her parents. Maybe it was going too quickly. Maybe…Maybe it’s me. Alex couldn’t seem to find a mute button for his mind, ever since receiving that message from Anna.
---
This set, rather appropriately I feel, opens the 2nd Chapter(of 24). As you can(see: should) be able to tell, the Alex-Anna Conflict has reached a Climax(I’m considering putting one of the moments right before the climax at the end of this blog, just because I think it’s bloody adorable). I re-wrote the first sentence, spoken by Aaron, at least a half-dozen times because I wasn’t sure how to properly word it without making it too wordy. I’m not overly satisfied with this one, truthfully.
*disclaimer: I’m 100% aware that the ‘blame it on the hormones’ thing makes girls want to rage and stab somebody. However, I’m also 100% aware that guys use that at least once a day when a girl does something ‘crazy’.

Set IV -

“Way to not text me back, earlier. Sure know how to make a girl feel unimportant, huh Alex?” Alex looked over his shoulder to see Erin walking towards him.
“Sorry about that. It hasn’t been a good people day.” Alex mumbled, as he continued walking. He knew that he would feel guilty for giving Erin the cold shoulder, but he would worry about that later. He wanted to do everything in his power to avoid having to talk to anyone, especially girls he had feelings for, past or present, tonight.
“Alexander Porter, don’t you dare walk away from me. You turn around right now.” Erin said, frustration apparent in her voice. Alex immediately remembered that Erin wasn’t one to give up a fight easily. He turned around, and looked at her, trying to force a smile. Clearly it wasn’t working. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, or why you’re acting like this. If there’s anything I can do, I’ll help you,” Erin paused, “But, if you ever give me that ‘it’s not a good people day’ crap and walk away from me again, I will kick your ass and never speak to you again. Are we clear?” Erin was, without a doubt, one of the toughest – yet most kindhearted- girls Alex had ever met. And, perhaps this was the reason for his smiling for only the second time that day.
---
One of my favorite moments. Just because I feel like Erin, in this moment, perfectly captures the person she is based off of. The ‘I care about you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take shit from you’ attitude. She’s probably my favorite, (slight spoiler alert..I guess) which is why it hurts my heart later in the story when Alex does what he does.

Set V

“Hey Anna. How are you?” Alex said. A pained look came across his face, as he looked into Anna’s eyes.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I really wish I could explain things, but it would only make it even more complicated if I did.” A tear began rolling down Anna’s cheek as she said this.
“It’s ok Anna. I get it, really.” Alex said, half-smiling.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me not feel like a bitch, but thanks. I really am sorry. It’s just a big complicated mess and I don’t want to drag you into it.” Anna said, attempting a smile. Alex could see that this decision was weighing as heavily on Anna, as it had on him, and it softened him a bit.
“Anna, whatever is going on, I want to help you. Whatever you need me to”
“No, Alex…You can’t. It’s just…I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I’d feel so guilty about it, if you did. I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish things didn’t have to be like this.
---
Resolution of Conflict Arc-I. One of the less enjoyable parts to write, having lived through it and , thus, having to relive it to make sure it was accurate(mostly) to what happened. I have this story of what happened to Anna(which I had to make up) written down just to remind myself that I didn’t make her be a giant asshole for no reason.

Set VI

“So, you broke your finger? That’s awful. You were dumb back then weren’t you.” Kayla said, trying to contain her laughter.
“I don’t see anything at all amusing. You’re an awful friend, ya know that? I was dumb, I know. But you could’ve at least not reminded me about it.” Alex said.
“Oh, get over it. You’re such a cry baby sometimes. And I’m an AMAZING friend, thank you very much!” Kayla proclaimed, pushing Alex away.
“Right, and I’m Prince Albert.” Alex said.
“Oh wow! I didn't know I was in the presence of royalty! It's an honor!”
“You're such a smartass. Chris has corrupted you majorly. You used to be such a sweet girl.”
“What?! Used to be? I still am sweet! I'm the sweetest!! You're such a jerk!” Kayla punched Alex in the arm as she said this.
“Oh, relax. You know I was just kidding, my goodness. No need for violence. You are still kinda sweet.” Alex said, smirking.
“Only kinda?” Kayla asked, batting her eyes.
“Alright, alright. You're very sweet. You're the sweetest person I know.” Alex said.
“That's better!” Kayla proclaimed, smiling.
“You’re still a jerk though. You’re just a very sweet jerk. That’s contradictory, I know, but whatever. Just go with it, ok?” Alex said, smiling.
---
This set skips from the end of Chapter 2, to the middle of Chapter 4(long story.) It’s Kayla and Alex, the 2 main characters for much of this story, together. There’s a ton of backstory behind their relationship, but it’s far too complicated to put into this small a space. Suffice to say, you all should know this story(unfortunately).

Set VII

“Alex, what are you doing here? I thought she was with Chris this morning?” Rein asked.
“She was. His family just left for another vacation, and he couldn’t just strand her so he asked me to pick her up.” Alex said.
Rein gave him a look of suspicion and then spun around. “You better not be screwing up their relationship, Alexander. I won’t be your friend anymore, if you are.” Rein said from down the hallway, before closing her bedroom door.
“Ignore her. She’s just being the over-protective big sister who doesn’t trust guys.” Kayla said, laughing.
Alex smirked. “Well, she should at least trust me. She knows I wouldn’t do anything.” He said.
“Oh really? And why not? Am I not hot enough for you Alexander?” Kayla asked, in a mocking tone.
“That is not at all the problem, and you know it. You are plenty hot for me, I assure you.” Alex said, looking Kayla in the eyes.
“Then what is it?” Kayla asked, calmly.
“Two reasons,” Alex paused. “The first being, the obvious one: Chris and I are friends. I’d hate to do that to him. Even if he is a jerk sometimes.” He said, looking away from Kayla.
“And the second reason?” she asked.
Alex looked into Kayla’s eyes. “You’re far too good to be with someone like me. You deserve somebody way better.” The two sat in silence, looking at one-another.
---
Fun fact about this set(which is from Chapter 5. No worries. I try not to overload my chapters with the same sort of set pieces, unless 1,000% necessary) It’s happened to me twice. Another fun-fact: both times wound up with the girl. A final fun-fact: cheated on by both, thus proving my theory that I wasn’t good enough. *Boom*. In non-personal analysis: this is one of my favorite Alex-Kayla moments. Solely because I know what it means for the both of them.

Set VIII

“What’s up dude? I got your text. Sorry it took so long to call. I was at work.” Aaron said.
“It's cool dude. I was just trying to get your opinion on something.” Alex said
“Alright, well what about?”
“Erin...and Kayla...” Alex said.
“...What?” Aaron said, in a confused tone.
“Well, the thing is I think that Erin and I are getting really close again and we’re starting to hang out a lot and I still kinda like her. But, the way things have been with Kayla lately.”
“Whoa, gotta stop you right there. Kayla, as in Chris’ girlfriend Kayla? The Kayla that you said you definitely weren’t trying to steal from him? That Kayla?” Aaron asked.
“Yes…That Kayla…Well, anyways, things have gotten kind of weird between us.”
“Weird in the bad way or weird in the good way?”
“Weird in the good way. The very, very good way.” Alex said, trying to refrain from smiling.
“So you and Kayla hooked up. But you still want to date Erin. My advice to you: give up on both of them.” Aaron said, smirking.
“Thanks bro. You’re real helpful.” Alex said snidely.
“I’m sorry dude. I just don’t see why this is such a big deal to you. I mean you and Erin already did the dance and it didn’t work out for you, and Kayla is with Chris so she’s off limits. You’re better off just giving up on both of them. You don’t even realize what they’re doing to you. It’s ridiculous.”
---
First off, this never happened. This probably definitely should have happened, but it never did. Secondly(and very much spoiler alerty), this is where you start to see the beginning of a rift grow between Aaron and Alex. Which makes me sad for 2 reasons: 1 – Alex and Aaron has awesome bro-chemistry. 2 – Zach plays a much less important role than Aaron )perhaps by design, since that’s how it worked out with the real people)

Set IX

“Hey bro, what’s up? I was just about to text you.” Alex said, answering his phone.
“Yeah right. You were going to make me wait until tomorrow, asshole. How’d your little date go?” Aaron said, snidely.
“Actually, it went pretty well. We talked, and had a bit of fun too. It was interesting, to say the least.” Alex paused. “Oh, and we made out which is pretty telling of the fact that she’s into the idea of us dating again.” Alex smirked.
“Well then, I guess kudos to you sir. So, what are you going to do about Kayla?” Aaron asked.
Alex sighed, before laughing a bit. “You’re really not going to leave her out of any of this are you?”
“Not until you tell me what you’re going to do about it. Or explain to me why you even started anything with her to begin with.” Aaron said.
“Well, for your information asshole, I’m heading over to see her and end things right now. Does that make you happy?” Alex asked.
“Not quite. I’ll be happy when I know it’s done and you’re no longer out of your effing mind. Thank God for Erin. I’d hate to think how far this crap could’ve gotten if she hadn’t boned you.” Aaron said.
“She didn’t bone me, asshole. And, for the record, nothing has really happened between Kayla and I. We kinda kissed once, but that was it. Other than that, we just hangout a lot. And that’s no big deal, or at least it shouldn’t be.”
---
Another Aaron-Alex set piece. If I didn’t know any better I’d think this story was about their relationship. And, no, this didn’t happen either. Again, probably should have, but it didn’t. You’ll notice that earlier when Anna was speaking I did not capitalize ‘god’, but when Aaron said it, I did. That’s sort of my way of hinting at religious ties of the individual characters. *Boom*? Yeah. I think that deserves a *Boom*

Set X

“Didn’t you say you talked to Erin earlier today? How’d that go?” Kayla asked from behind the bathroom door.
“I did say that, and it went kind of well, I guess. Probably should’ve mentioned this sooner, but she and I are sort of dating now.” Alex said between deep breaths. He could hear that Kayla had stopped moving. He opened his mouth to speak, but paused when he heard a footstep.
“That’s…great. I’m happy for you, Alex.” Kayla said.
Alex could sense the anguish in her voice. “I’m sorry, Kayla. I wanted to tell you sooner. I just…wasn’t sure yet.” Alex paused as Kayla opened the door. He could see the pain on her face, and instantly felt guilty. Kayla, tears beginning to form in her eyes, took a step towards him. She then caressed his cheek, before taking a step closer and kissing him.
Kayla pulled away, and looked Alex in the eyes. “Is that what you weren’t sure about? Whether or not there was something there between us? Because, I’ve known it was there all along. And I think, deep down, you did too. Even when both of us were trying to fight it, I knew. But, given the situation, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to put any effort into this.” Kayla said, as she looked away.
---
I honestly have nothing to say about this. Other than, as with my previous 2, that it never actually happened. I will say that, unlike the past 2, it never should have happened because then I’d have a lot more things to feel guilty about.

Set XI

“Hey baby! How was your day? You miss me?” Erin asked.
“Of course I miss you babe. My day was alright, I guess. But it would have been a lot better if you were here so we could’ve seen each other. You guys are coming home tomorrow right?” Alex said.
“Awww Alex. Yes I will be home tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you! Although, rumor has it you’ve kept busy by hanging out with Kayla almost every day since I left.” Erin said, laughing.
“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out a bit. Chris is out of town, and he always tells me to make sure I take care of her. So we do spend a fairly substantial amount of time together. She’s like my best friend anyways. Well, my best friend minus you of course.” Alex laughed.
“Well that’s good. So, I don’t have anything to worry about right?” Erin asked.
“Of course you have nothing to worry about babe. Kayla and I are just friends. I’m just hanging out with her so much as a favor to Chris. He worries about her when he isn’t here, and he knows he can trust me. You should trust me too. The only girl I want is you. So just hurry up and get home, ok? I miss you.” Alex said softly.
“I know, I know. I do trust you. I just hate being all the way out here while Kayla is there cozying up with my boyfriend. I’m just jealous, I guess. I’m sorry.” Erin said.
“It’s okay. If it were the other way around I would be jealous too.”
---
This set piece bothers me for 3 reasons: 1 – I’m not sure how much of the believability factor is in here. 2 – I feel like Erin’s Character, at least when she’s with Alex, becomes much weaker than she was initially portrayed. Which I guess could be considered natural since some people do change when they’re in a relationship. 3 – I feel like too much is said while, at the same time, not enough is said.

Set XII

“Hey Alex.” Kat said, as he walked closer to where she was standing.
“Hello Katherine. It is a pleasure to see you. I received your communication, and came here as swiftly as I could.” Alex said, faking a British accent.
“Alex, stop talking like that.” Kat said in an annoyed tone.
“Fine, spoil sport. So what’s up?” Alex said, smiling.
“You and Erin is what. She told me about the message you sent to her, and I was there when she sent hers to you. All I have to say is if you screw this up again I will kill you, got me? She is my dearest sister and I refuse to watch her get hurt again, especially by the same guy.” Kat said in a serious tone.
“I promise you, there is absolutely nothing to worry about Kat. I’m not going to do anything to hurt Erin. I made a huge mistake last time, but I’m not going to do it again. And if I do mess up again then I’ll kick my own ass.” Alex said.
“You better mean that. You didn’t see her the night she found out about you and your little secret. She was a mess. I don’t know why she is even going through with this, but she likes you a lot. So, you better take better care of her this time.” Kat said, as she turned to walk away.
---
This is something that I felt was pointlessly necessary. Brings Kat(who will play a HUGE role towards the backend of this one. I can feel it) a bit more into the forefront, and shows how her relationship with Erin is opposite of what the guys have. My only concern is, how much does this, one again, crush the model I built for Erin. Granted, later on, she does return to her ‘normal’ self. I suppose it’s the Alex-Effect that gets to her, as it does Kayla(and others). He changes them in terrible ways. Alex is a giant piece of shit.

Anywho. That’s all I have for you guys, for today. Please, please, share any feedback you have. I greatly appreciate the good and bad. Depending on how this goes, I may d it with my other stories\plays\musicals\etc. Who knows.
If you want to read more of this story, or read any of my other stuff, let me know. I’ve got all kinds of crap that I’ve been working on.
Also, feel free to take guesses on who the characters are based off of. Some are obvious, but some might not be. And there are plenty more that weren’t mention in this, but are in the story, so don’t let that bruise your ego.

,Mazzus Keesaji

A Play Written by Me

2011-04-07T08:33:00.001-04:00

So, this semester I decided to take a creative writing class. Writing is one of the few things that I can find joy in, aside from Music. So, I figured this would be a fun class. Our professor(who is really, really hot) used to be an actress, so a major part of our final portfolio is writing a 10-minute play. When I found out about this I panicked. I’ve never written a play before. I’d never even thought about writing a play before. She gave us this obscenely thick packet, and told us to read it to better understand the format, etc. I read it, and then attempted to write a few plays. I think they are all crap, but when we work-shopped this play in class, they all loved it. So, I figured I’d go to the internet and see what you guys thought of it. So, please give this a read and let me know what you think. It will really help me out.
*note: this isn’t the entire thing. it’s 4 1\2 of the 7 pages I have written so far. But there are sections in the other pages that aren’t completed yet.
*note(again): I have a bunch of other stuff(plays, and non-plays) that I’ve written. If you want to read them, shoot me and e-mail. I’m sure you can find my e-mail address somewhere around here…If not, ask for it.

------

I Quit

Characters
Michael Repo\‘DJ Rep’: Jockey for K1902: The Groove. A clueless sex-obsessed tool.
Jayne Wilson: Producer for K1902: The Groove. A bit of a prude.
Rick Miser: Owner of K1902: The Groove. A supreme douchebag.
Bianca Reese\ B-Rose: New co-host for ‘Morning Show’ on K1902: The Groove. A bit of an air-head.

Setting
A Radio Station in Sacramento, California. The studio is small, cramped, and smells of cheap whisky and ‘extra spicy’ hot wings.
(DJ REP refers to Michael speaking on air.)
(B-ROSE refers to Bianca speaking on air.)

MICHAEL walks into the studio, clears the trash away from the desk, and plops into the chair. He looks through the glass, where the show’s producers are, gives a thumbs-up and reaches for the microphone. He pauses, takes his hand off of the mic and wipes it on his pants leg.
MICHAEL: Can we please do something about the late show and their in-ability to clean up after themselves?
JAYNE: Mike, you know those guys wouldn’t listen to anything we said.
MICHAEL: (sighs) Yeah, well, it could never hurt to try again.
(MICHAEL wipes a sticky substance off of the microphone’s handle and adjusts it)
JAYNE: If I recall, you’re not exactly known for your cleanliness. I remember several nights when I woke up and stepped into a pile of some sort of leftover food item from god-knows how long ago.
ASSISTANT: And we’re live in 5…4…3…2…1…
DJ REP: What is up Sacramentoooo! It’s the one and only DJ REP coming at you live from the best kept secret on the West Coast…
(MICHAEL/DJ REP continues his introduction {in a whispered tone, to indicate being in the background}, as RICK MISER enters the production room. Everyone acknowledges him, except for JAYNE who scoffs.)
RICK: I see the execs decided to ignore my advice, and still have you working on your boyfriends show.
JAYNE: I see you decided to ignore my advice and didn’t drive your car into The Sacramento.
RICK: Still feisty as ever. It’s amazing you don’t have your own show -
JAYNE: Why are you here Rick?
RICK: - but, I guess that’s because of your incredibly annoying voice -
JAYNE: If you’re just here to harass me again, I’ll have security boot you.
RICK: - or, maybe it’s because the execs know you’re not capable of being a civil person -
JAYNE: Seriously. I will have you kicked out. I’ll call my friend and have him tow your car too.
RICK: - perhaps, they realize that you just aren’t cut out to be an on-air jockey. Which is why you’re stuck in here, producing.
JAYNE: (pauses) Rick, get out.
RICK: I can’t do that. Not yet, anyway. I have an important announcement for your little crew here and that annoyingly perverted, yet incredibly charming, jockey of yours.
MICHAEL: What about me?
JAYNE: Please continue, Rick. What’s the (air quotes) “big news” you have for us?
RICK: (clears throat, straightens posture) You (pauses) are all fired.
(JAYNE and MICHAEL share a glance through the glass. MICHAEL shakes his head.)
JAYNE: If we were fired, we would have been told a lot sooner than when you got here. Either tell us what’s going on or get out.
RICK: Fine. You’re not fired. Not yet, anyway. But, ratings are plummeting. Something has to be done or else you will be fired.
MICHAEL: What can we do to change that? I’m doing my best here.
RICK: Do any of you know what the best morning show in the city, in-fact in the entire state, does? It’s definitely not asking people to call in and “talk about the booty-call they had last night”.
JAYNE: Our second highest rated segment, I’d like to point out.
MICHAEL: Everybody loves the “booty-call call-in”. Speaking of which…
DJ REP: (begins speaking into the microphone. Puts wild emphasis on “booty-call” as he lowers voice to, again, suggest he is in the background)
RICK: Your second highest rated segment is about childish sex. That should be all the reason we need to pull you off of the air.
JAYNE: But, you can’t because you know we’re the best show this station has. There is no replacement for us.
DJ REP: (continues on, in the background. Randomly ‘shouts’ “Whoa, now that’s sexy!”)
RICK: Unfortunately, you are correct. We can’t pull you off of the air, just yet. First we have to ‘experiment, and attempt to bring the ratings up’. Which is the real reason for my visit today.
DJ REP: (Randomly ‘shouts’ “Anytime a lady can do that, I’m down for a little night long romance.”)
JAYNE: Why don’t you just spill it already, Rick. You’re distracting me from doing the job which you seem to think I’m incapable of doing.
RICK: I never said ‘incapable’. I merely suggested that there were a dozen others who can do the job better than you. But, they’re far more expensive -
JAYNE: You’re point…
RICK: If you would focus a little less on having relationships with your coworkers, and more time making sure they do their jobs -
JAYNE: Seriously, Rick, get to the point.
RICK: - Maybe even spend extra time around the station, getting more familiar with how radio is properly done.
JAYNE: Alright, I’m calling my friend to have your car towed -
RICK: The point being I think it’s time to -
DJ REP: (voice begins to increase in volume) …and all I can say is DAMN ya’ll got a lot of booty last night. Now, while you rinse away all the naughty feelings, here are some groovy tunes. I’ll be back later with your morning ho-ho-horoscopes.
RICK: (shakes head in disgust as he looks from MICHAEL to JAYNE.) I think it’s time to bring in some new blood. Someone young and hip. And, preferably, someone who can bring a more feminine taste to the show.
MICHAEL: A gay guy? I have no problem with them outside of the work place, but close proximity doesn’t sit right with me. He will fall in love with me and then I’ll have to fight off his advances, but one day decide it might not be so bad to experiment (MICHAEL continues rambling as the others stare at him, surprised looks on their faces.) I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, excluding the heartbreak when I realize I wasn’t actually gay and was just pretending to be so I could finally be loved.
JAYNE: Mike! Shut-up.
MICHAEL: (Stops talking. Looks away from JAYNE and RICK)
RICK: Actually, I wanted to bring in a female co-host for the show.
JAYNE: Really? Who?
MICHAEL: Another woman? Really?
JAYNE: What do you mean another woman?
RICK: Bianca Reese.
MICHAEL: The Bianca Reese? The gorgeous voice, and equally gorgeous face, that was just kicked off the air by that station-that-shall-not-be-named? That Bianca Reese?
RICK: Yes, Michael, that Bianca Reese.
JAYNE: How can the station afford her? She must be taking a huge pay-cut from what she used to be getting.
RICK: Actually, you are the one taking a pay-cut Jayne.
JAYNE: What? But, I’ve been here for almost 8 years.
RICK: Yes, and you’ve been serviceable for those 8 years. But, Bianca is a special talent. She doesn’t need a producer as much as Michael does. So, since your role is less important, your pay is lessened.
JAYNE: This is ten kinds of bullshit. What makes you think I won’t just walk out of here right now? I can find other jobs, you know.
RICK: I was hoping you would say that. Bianca has a younger brother, fresh out of college, who would love to work as the producer of our morning show and would do it for next-to-nothing. Please, by all means, leave.
JAYNE: (scoffs. Mumbles “I’m so having your car towed.”)
BIANCA: (Enters studio, comments on how disgusting it looks, and terrible it smells. Sits across from MICHAEL) I guess we’re partners now.
MICHAEL: It’s an honor, Bianca. Can I just say you have an amazing breasts.
JAYNE: Great first impression, Mike. (pauses) Hi, I’m Jayne. I’m the producer.
RICK: (Pushes JAYNE aside) Hello, again, Ms. Reese.
BIANCA: Hi Rick.
MICHAEL: (whispering to himself) I can’t believe I did that. I meant ‘voice’ not ‘breasts’. Not that she doesn’t have nice breasts. Stop it Mike. Focus. Nice voice now, nice breasts later. Prioritize.
RICK: If you need anything at all, you be sure to call me. I’ll be in touch to make sure these fools haven’t ruined your career. (Smiles and waves, giddily. Turns, straightens himself and immediately changes his demeanor to a more proper business-like manner) I hope to not be seeing you lot anytime in the near future. But, if I must, I hope it’s to fire every last one of you. Treat Bianca well. She is the future star of this station. (Leaves)
BIANCA: So, what’s the next segment on the show? I don’t mean to force myself onto you guys
JAYNE: Well, actually. I was thinking you could take today to just observe and -
MICHAEL: Oh please. Force away. Mi radio show es tu radio show…Or something.
BIANCA: Awesome. So, what is this next segment (pauses) ‘ho-ho-horoscopes’? What?
MICHAEL: Well, you see -
JAYNE: Mike reads the horoscopes, which he made up, and puts them in context for hookers. And then he closes out the segment with (pauses) what was that tagline, Mike?
MICHAEL: (shifts uncomfortably) Well, I usually close the segment with “And that’s your ho-ho-horoscope for today. Remember, if he ain’t payin’ you the big bills, then he can touch his own little bill”.
JAYNE: That’s our Mike. Or, rather, DJ Rep. He’s something.
BIANCA: He’s something alright. Something brilliant -
JAYNE: Oh for the love of -
BIANCA: How do you come up with these?
MICHAEL: Well, I -
BIANCA: Is it a collective effort, or are all of these amazing taglines just floating around in your head?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. I guess -
JAYNE: The only thing floating around in that head of his is -
BIANCA: I can already tell this is going to be a great experience. I’m really excited to work with you, Mike.
MICHAEL: (whispering) oh baby
JAYNE: (whispering) oh brother
ASSISTANT: We’re coming back live soon.
JAYNE: Alright, Bianca. Just follow Mike’s lead. And try not to get too disturbed by his subject choice in the next segment. Or, the rest of the segments.
BIANCA: I’m always willing to try anything once.
MICHAEL: (whispering) oh baby
JAYNE: (whispering) oh brother
ASSISTANT: And we’re live in 5…4…3…2…1…
DJ REP: What is up, Sacramento. We are back live on your number one Groove Station, K1902: The Groove. And, faithful listeners, I have a huge announcement. Joining me live, right now, and for the remainder of this shows life: the lovely Ms. Bianca Reese, otherwise known as B-Rose. How are you doing this fine morning, Ms. B-Rose?
B-ROSE: Quite lovely, DJ Rep. Quite lovely. Anxious to get back into the groove of being on the radio, and guiding everybody on their way to work in the mornings.
DJ REP: Well, you definitely chose the right station to get back into that Groove. So, why don’t we just jump right in?

Psychology and Psychosis II - why I'll never admit that I need you people

2011-03-31T18:02:00.000-04:00

This one was a long time coming. I've been trying to decide exactly how best to word this entry. it kept making less and less sense, the more I wrote. But, I had an epiphany and realized why that was: I never make sense. That's part of my...charm? Whatever. Point is, that's part of who I am. I'm not supposed to make sense. If I ever start to make sense, then check yourself into an institution because you're officially as bonkers as my crazy ass(and that's no good. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!)

So, in part one we discussed Why I'll kill myself, but not you guys. Wasn't that a fun ride into my insanity? Yeah. You know you're dying to read part 2. And, what that will cover is this: Why my aversion to people, and over-all lack of social skills, makes me the best-worst friend you've ever had, but neither of us will ever admit it.("sheesh, TJ, already with the not making any goddamn sense. This is ridiculous. *RageQuit*")

The Theory
It's simple: I'm not a people person. And, because I'm not a people person, I don't like people and people naturally don't like me. That's the way this game works.
I wasn't always this way. I used to love people. But, then people started to change. And, the way people were changing forced a change in me. A change that I wasn't really...how do I put this...I wasn't surprised by this change in myself. I was more surprised that it happened so early, I guess. Even when I was younger, and actually did like people and being social, I was still a relatively solitary person. I liked people a lot more, back then, than I do now. If young TJ had been in the situation that 22 year old TJ was in today(I hate my life. You're not supposed to dwell on the past, but goddammit I am dwelling on this one. That was just...I failed so hardcore. Life is not my best subject. god-fucking-dammit. I hate everything), it would have gone a lot differently. But, that's how people have effected me. They've forced a change in me, a change that has it's upside but a SEVERE downside. And, unfortunately, it's a change that isn't all that easy to undo.(you fuckers. thanks a-fucking-lot.)
Being able to keep yo myself and not have to worry about people and their nonsense, on those days when I really don't want to deal with it, is EFFING FANTASTIC. But, on those days when I actually like people and want to talk to them, this is AN GODDAMN NIGHTMARE.
Why is it a nightmare?

The Reasons
Think back to all of the conversations you and I have had. Try to remember how incredibly one-sided they often were. There was always either a lot of me talking, or very little of me talking. I'd either be pushing the conversation forward, or merely adding my two-cents whenever I felt it was necessary. There is no middle ground with me. This is due to a major flaw in my "solitary" nature: Whenever I do want to talk to people, and not have it be a huge emotional mess, it's nearly-effing-impossible because that's just something I don't do. I don't do it too often, so i don't have enough practice at normal people everyday talk. Sure, I listen to people, but just because you watched a World Class Pianist play insanely hard music doesn't mean you can regurgitate it on the spot. That's not how it works. Everything in life requires practice(as a musician, how many times have we heard this analogy? Even outside of music-related things. My Psych teacher says it all the time. "You have to study and memorize this stuff the same way you'd practice an instrument to get better at it." a total lie, in my case, since I got an 80 on my first time, and didn't study, and totally aced this last one which I didn't study for. But, that's neither here-nor-there.)So, my lack of practice greatly hinders my ability to handle everyday conversation. But, dammit, you mention drumline\band stuff and I'll never effing shut up. Why? It's my natural element. The people I talk to most are music people. I love what I do so I like to talk about it. People who don't know about it, ask me about it. 1+1+1= me talking uncontrollably and looking like a giant goddamn band-geek. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Your Side of The Story
"If someone messages you their life story, you don't fucking shoot them down.You're even lucky someone cares enough to share that kind of story with you. Also, your opinion is not everyone else's. That was bitchy. Grow up and shut your mouth."
^Kelly Dress in response to what someone else said regarding my mass message life story on fb. November 17th, 2009. Proof why she is one of my best friends ever.

There are people that I love, and that love me back. There are people that are awesome, and that think I'm awesome. And it BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND.
Apparently it goes like this: My 'I want people to leave me alone' defense-mechanism is what actually draws them to me. They see "mute, short black guy" and get some sort of weird sexual satisfaction out of trying to get me to talk and be their friend(I feel so used). But, then they realize how terrible of an idea that is. I'm a shitty person, 85% of the time. That other 15% I'm effing boss, and I make all your other friends look like giant douchebags. The trouble is, that it takes quite a while for me to be that awesome version of me. Until then, I'm nothing but a pain-in-the-ass. And a huge one at that. It's pretty awful, really. And, because of that, it takes very little for people to get sick of me. But, I sometimes lack to human skills necessary to give a crap. So, it just keeps coming.

We Terrify Each Other
In the end it comes down to this: You guys are afraid of me, because you think I'll kill you due to my lack of talking, and because you realize that I'm legitimately insane and therefore a threat to myself and everyone around me. More-so a burden to you guys, than a threat.
And, I am bloody petrified of you. I'll never admit it in person, and I'll probably deny even typing this, but people scare me to death. The idea of people scares me. The idea of needing you guys, wanting to be involved with anything you do, that scares me to death.
I'd love to be a normal person. I'd love to be able to have normal conversations, and not have my mind over analyzing every last word, and sound. I'd love to be normal. But, I'm not. I'm me. And I suck.

As always, don't expect any of this to make much sense. It's not entirely for your sake. This is helps me get ridiculous thoughts out of my poor, already damaged, mind. Basically, I'll be surprised if more than 10% of this wasn't just "blahblahblahblahblahblahRAMBLEblahARGHblahblahOHNOOOblahblahblahRAMBLERAMBLEBITCHMOANGRRRARGHblahblahFUCKINGBLAH" to you guys.

,Mazzus

"holy crap, it's 2011?" And other things I thought about at 1AM

2011-01-14T02:08:00.001-05:00

2011? lolwut?!

Been a long time since I posted a blog. Been so focused on writing 140-character Gold , and working on my 75 different stories(not an exact number, but I imagine it's somewhere in that area. I've got 3MB of data taken up just from stories I've written/started writing(I was actually just working on one, but decided to try to write a blog post instead. I'm a pro-style procrastinator. My skills are legendary.)).

I figure very few are reading this considering my last blog post was about Me Not Having Any 'Real' Friends, so this is basically just me talking to myself. Which is okay, because I do that every day anyways. Only this is vie typing, whereas usually I talk to myself out loud.(I've probably only got a few minutes until somebody reads this, thinks I'm even crazier than everybody thinks I am(which, I am) and I get sent to a crazy-house. Whoo-hoo. Meds and Slop while I sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and talk about why I'm crazy. I look forward to that so intently). I probably lost a lot of you when I stopped writing as often as I used to. I went from 56 posts in '08, to 35 in '09, to a whopping 7 last year. I guess, I just didn't have much to say. Well, that's not true. I was just worried about what people would think when they read what I had to say. I've never been one to talk about rainbow's and ponies and what not ('contrary to popular belief the sky isn't blue, daisies don't bloom 24/7 and you're a bitch' LOL. I miss Drew. Good times with Evenflow) so it would make sense that people wouldn't read what I wrote(quick factoid: most of my novel-writing is the exact opposite of what I blog about. Just an FYI. If/when I get published, please buy my book(s). I need food too, ya know).

I was talking to one of my few remaining close friends earlier tonight, and I was reminded of just how much I missed marching band. Doing the Atlanta Falcons Drumline has been a HUGE thrill, and it's been a ton of fun. I love getting to go to NFL Games and play bass drum for hours and hours and watch the game, and the cheerleaders. (mmmmmm cheerleaders...huh? oh right.) Football! - anywho - AFDL is awesomeepicfun, but it's not the same. I miss show days, I miss those hot ass uniforms, I miss the bus rides, I miss the met, I miss dutting, I miss yelling at people and telling them to STFU during practice, I miss the staff. But, most of all, I miss walking out onto that field and performing for x-amount of time and showing people why I spent the vast majority of my summer at school and why I'm at school as long as the teachers are Tuesdays and Thursdays, and why I show up at 7AM Saturday morning. I miss that feeling of the first downbeat, dutting into the basses entrance, the visuals, the drill, that damn pain in my knee's everytime we got off the field(still have that, but it's not the same. I felt accomplished back then. Now, it's just really annoying pain without the accomplishment. 10,000 curses, Arthritis! TEN-THOUSAND CURSES!!!!). I miss it all. I want to march CorpsVets someday. But I know I can't anytime soon. Too much to do right now. And, as much as I love it, teching just isn't the same as performing. I love that sense of pride I get when the kids get something right, and when they destroy that lick they just learned this week. But, it's not the same feeling as being on the field and playing that lick. Also, yelling "shut-up" and people listening is a pretty sweet gig. But, I miss being in band. I miss it all.

And then there are my moments where I legitimately worry myself. My rage has gotten out of control. My depression is reaching that point as well. At what point do I just say, "eff it, I really need help." Is it before or after I've been put in the hospital for cutting myself and nearly bleeding to death? Or do I wait until somebody pushes me too far and I lose my shit and go on a rampage? How awful is it that I actually have moments where I have to stop myself from actually doing those things? This whole hyper-sensative thing is a load of poo. Can I trade this in for a different superpower? At least let me be able to move shit with my mind, or something. Sheesh. I'm all crazy, without the superpowers. Could've at least let me borrow a super brain or something. I fear for myself, and for everyone else. My breaking point is so close, and I know it. But, does anybody actually listen to me? Course not. I apparently already used my "I'm stressed out, and losing my mind" card. No more for me. I just have to sack up and deal with it...And, yet, they wonder why it is that I lash out the way I do. I lock myself in this room, away from everyone else, for YOUR sake. Not my own. Well, for my own as well, but also for yours. It isn't safe. It's never safe. We can only hope I don't lose it in a public place.(yay college...)

I leave you with a quote from one of my stories:

"How quickly the tide turns. One moment it's taking you home to your family, the next it's making sure you'll never see them again."

,Mottekuru no Kaosu
Mazzus Keesaji

Why None of You are my Real Friends(it's not you, it's me)

2010-10-28T01:30:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about my heart tonight. How much it's hurt the past couple years. Not just in the emotional sense, but in the real physical sense. And I began thinking about all of the different responses to my saying "I don't want to find out what my exact expiration date is".
That's interesting for someone who's tried to kill them-self right? Not wanting to know when they'll die. Most of us couldn't give 2 shits about that. We want it to be over with. Doesn't matter when, it just isn't happening soon enough. I guess, I don't want to know because I'd rather it be on my own terms. I'd rather, either have it end by my own hand or have it end after I've done everything I've dreamt of doing.

And this inner-discussion led me to a rather depressing realization: I have no friends.
To the 2 or 3 of you reading this you're thinking "Well, TJ is a jerk. I thought we were friends, but apparently not. Whatever." To you I say, I'm sorry.
I suppose in a way I have friends, but I wonder if I have any 'real' friends.

*this is the part where I get really introspective and make absolutely no sense.

I wonder this, not because I doubt who you guys are, but I doubt who I am. It's rather difficult for people to know you if you, yourself, do not know you. And I realized that I really don't know myself. Outside of music, I'm...nothing...And, really, that can be even further minimized: outside of marching band, I'm nothing...So often, my life feels like it has no meaning. Like I've reached my limit. Like I'm going nowhere. The ever-present 'one step forward-two steps back' ideology.

My second reason for thinking this is that, I can't have real friends if none of you have met the real me.
I've so many personae: different faces that I put on for different situations. I wonder if this is a normal human defense mechanism, or is it just one of my weird things that I do because I don't know how I'm supposed to act around people. I am the definition of socially awkward. I've spent all of my life blaming the people of my past, the assholes who never ceased to remind me that I didn't fit in with the normal crowd. But, in reality, as hard as they were on me, I judged myself 1,000x's harder. Maybe it's because I knew that I didn't fit in, that I wasn't normal. Whatever the reason was, or rather is, I would always hold a massive portion of myself back. Truth is, I don't know why. I just do it. I don't trust people with myself, and I don't trust myself with people. The real me remains a mystery, perhaps for that very reason. Because I've kept the real me hidden, even I have forgotten who I really am. Because of that I have friends who don't care, and a family that I resent for unknown reasons. The last person I had real live feelings for, probably thinks I'm shit and hasn't spoken to me in a year+. And, for all intents and purposes, she should. Maybe I am. Who knows? I don't even know at this point. I said I let her in and let her see the real me, but I don't really know who it was that she was with. I remember it all, but I feel like I wasn't really living it. Like it was me watching through the eyes of someone else.

If any argument is made to counter this, I imagine the main one will be "we like you, and even if you don't know the real you we do." or something along those lines.
I suppose it's easier to see from the outside looking in. But, then again, isn't making that assumption how most people end up in crappy situations. And, let's be honest here, I'm not exactly an easy person to be friends with. And sometimes I think I make it difficult on purpose. Perhaps, since my subconscious doesn't see what others do, the obvious assumption is made that people are friends with me out of pity or so they can mock me behind my back.

But maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe this is how everybody feels. Maybe they have these same doubt and fears about themselves. Maybe the world just has a better coping mechanism than to shut down in fear. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to set up more than just an appointment with a doctor to check on my heart.

I have a feeling that I left a lot out of this post. I probably, unbeknownst to myself, intentionally distracted myself at parts where I wanted to say something I wasn't ready for people to know and lost my train of thought as a result. This will no doubt be revisited eventually...

,Rosuto Reikon
Mazzus Keesaji

Why MLS should be on Versus

2010-08-06T01:05:00.000-04:00

First off let me say this: I'm not at all saying abandon FSC(ok, I kinda am. But for good reasons). FSC has been very kind to us and they've done just about all they can for us now. Since we don't have the cash to throw together our own network(a la NFLNetwork, NHLNetwork, MLBNetwork, NBANetwork, you-get-the-ideaNetwork) we need to go some place else.
Let's be honest, ESPN is still new to this game. And they have other stuff to deal with like feeding LeBron's ego and obsessing over how many times Brett Favre will retire. And that's ok with me(not really, but that's a topic for another day..ps, still pissed that they gave up a World Cup Recap slot for LeBron 'The Decision'. You whores.). What isn't okay with me is that they have way too much going on right now. They're the Gridiron people, the Baseball people, the 50 sports talk/analysis show people, the every-once-in-a-blue-moon Hockey people, the also-every-once-in-a-blue-moon Footy people, the NASCAR people, the Poker people, the Spelling Bee people, the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Competition people, the X-Games people, the Winter X-Games people. They're a lot of shit. And that's mainly because EVERYBODY watches ESPN. They get a ton of eyeballs which is why they can afford to throw around money like they're the Yankees.
They get International Football. Everybody get's International Football. That's fine. I love it, we all do. But we need to support our Homegrown Football as well. Landon Donovan wouldn't be as good as he is if it weren't for the MLS. Not because we're a great league, but because overseas he had it rough and if he had to stay in that environment he would've struggled. But he came home and grew into the star he is now.

Picture this: Lando scores that goal against Algeria. The entire USA is suddenly like "whoa, who is this guy. I need to know more and don't feel like using the internet. Please educate me ESPN." Well, if they had been on the bandwagon since Day 1 this would have happened: They would've been able to pull up footage from Landons first couple games with the Quakes, his days overseas, his return to the Galaxy and maturation, his past exploits with the USMNT and then tied it into him being the epic badass he is now. Because they were on this from the get-go, they would have far more knowledge than they already have. Alexi and the boys who played in the MLS can't fill in all the blanks. I'm not saying ESPN's coverage would've done so, but it would've been a damn better start than analysts having to do guess work based on information they dug up 5 minutes after Landon scored that goal.

But, anyways. We aren't here to talk about ESPN. This is about my favorite sports network and the growing-daily Top Flight Football League in the USA: Major League Soccer.

I'm convinced that if, at the end of this deal with FSC, MLS drew up a deal with Versus it would change a lot. I'm not saying it would change everything and make us into a Top 4 League in the US. I doubt that could ever truly happen. But, it would help a lot.
Forget about the World Cup for a minute. Let's just pretend it didn't happen. Anybody care to guess how many eyes FSC got per MLS match? Well, I'm too lazy to look it up right now, but I assure you it's less that it is right now. There's 2 reasons for that: 1. Very few people, outside of the Footy World in the US, even knew FSC existed before the World Cup 2. FSC is buried behind about 120 other channels. Even if you're surfing you'd have to actively be looking for Football or FSC to find it. And even then it's hard to find.
You know how many Channels Versus is 'buried' behind? Wayyy less that FSC(in the 40's usually).
So Versus is easier to find. That gives us maybe 5-10 more eyes per match. That's nothing. We need something that'll be more permanent. Something that will truly help the league.

The NHL, MLB, NFL and every other league in America is on at least 3-5 networks( granted all under one umbrella, for the most part-that umbrella being ESPN). MLS is on 2-3 (depending on where you live): FSC, ESPN and your random local channel.

Matches would be televised a lot more often if, like with Versus and the NHL, MLS and local stations allowed a larger network the carry their local broadcasts. This would drastically increase interest in MLS being on TV. I'm a Union and Revs fan. That's Philly and New England. I live in Atlanta. Odds of me getting their matches regularly? Slim to none. If that were to increase by Versus carrying the local matches then I would gladly be watching them. I'll be honest: When ESPN and FSC carry MLS matches, sometimes I watch and sometimes I don't. More often than not, I watch the MLS GotW on ESPN. I pick and choose when I watch FSC cause the quality sucks ass and everything about that channel makes me hate myself for watching it. Just give me better goddamn quality without having to buy a $5,000 HDTV assholes. Is that too much to ask? For FSC, yes. For Versus/ESPN/almost every other network? Not a problem.

For those who watch hockey(Go Pens!), remember how perfectly done the Stanley Cup was? And how great they did the Regular Season for the NHL? Imagine that happening for MLS matches and the MLS Cup. It's almost orgasmic just thinking about it. And, considering how physically the MLS Clubs play, we might even grab a few Hockey fans who see somebody slide tackling the fuck out of Rafa Marquez(douchebag).

The main reason MLS should move is this: We need to grow up. FSC was great, but it's time we broke up with our 3rd grade crush and went after the super hot college chick. Versus can give us everything we need, and then some. We've exhausted everything FSC has to offer. For MLS to be taken seriously in the future, we need to part-ways with FSC. And, as others have suggested, that could even open the door for more Foreign Footy on FSC which is a win for everybody.

But, we don't have to completely ditch FSC. If Versus isn't willing to go all in with MLS, have them pick up half the schedule and the playoffs. Let ESPN and FSC split the remainder(with local channels grabbing the 'leftovers'). And if Versus decides they don't want us, or turn us down...well then fuck them. Cause, shitty quality or not, FSC is still a decent enough home for now and ESPN throws us a weekly bone.

Also, random crazy thought.
MLS moves to Versus. To appease FSC, gives them rights to US Open Cup/Champions League Matches. This means we don't have to deal with the crazy bs of incredibly crappy online streams or not seeing the matches at all. This also spreads the popularity of these, otherwise dead, matches. Grows the America-specific market even more. Win-Win.

The money aspect in all of this has been ignored. Afterall I'm going to school to be a Music Teacher not a goddamn Accountant. But that's not for me to worry about. All I care about is the growth of MLS. And that means moving to Versus. I look forward to the day Football is on the 'Red V'. Don't disappoint us MLS/Don Garber and Comcast/X-Finity.

MLS + Versus = Possibly more fans = More money = Our own damn network = Growing the sport even more = World Cup Champions!(maybe not, but you get the idea)

,Football Hooligan
Mazzus Keesaji

Twitter: @MazzusK

If this makes no sense, it's because it was a twitter-fueled rant that I started working on at midnight and didn't finish till 1AM. Gimme a break.
But if it made sense, then rock on.

I love you USMNT!

2010-06-26T22:09:00.001-04:00

I'm heartbroken. I know everybody in America is. Or at least the ones who aren't anti-football douchebags(and I don't give a fuck about them).

I was expecting great things from USMNT Volume 2010. Especially after realizing we won the Group and were facing Ghana. Let's face it, we shouldn't have lost to Ghana in '06. But we DEFINITELY shouldn't have lost to them today. There was no excuse for that loss. It was just a combination of bad playing and bad decision making by Bradley.

Just a day or two ago we were all on the highest of highs. Landon Donovan had saved the country. He had done something incredible. Our country was united behind these 23 men. We were all watching, waiting for more magic from the 10-shirt.
Everybody remembers Captain America and his epicness while wearing the 10. Were we wrong to expect the same from LD? Absolutely not. He took his team over and saved their asses plenty of times. Granted, there was the issue of him disappearing several times in all 4 of our matches, we knew he would come through in the end. With the exception of the England match, Landon was directly involved in all of the moments where the US turned things around.
Against Slovenia? Twice. First his 'staredown the keeper' blast that closed the 2-nil gap. And then later in the match when Edu was robbed. Landon's freekick prowess led to that goal which was disallowed.
And, of course, the entire universe will remember Landon's last second goal against Algeria. Tim Howard throws the ball 50 yards to Landon, who passes it up to Altidore. Jozy lays it over to CD8 who runs into the keeper as he lays down to try to prevent the goal. The rebound rolls away and is just sitting there waiting for the ever-persistent Landon Donovan to come flying up the pitch and drill it into the net.
And, with that moment, everybody forgot about the fact that Landon had barely been involved in any plays during the other 90+ minutes of the match. But, it happens to the best of them. Just watch. The only exception to that rule MIGHT be Leo Messi. And that's because he's Messi. Nobody can stop that guy. Don't get me wrong. I love Landon. He's still my 2nd favorite American Footballer(Clint takes #1 cause he's that dude). And I'm convinced that sometime soon, somebody is going to throw a crapton of cash his way to play for them in Europe. May not be top level EPL but it'll happen. But he needs to get even better. He can't go the route of CRonaldo and Pre-WorldCup Messi. The magic needs to be there for 90 minutes in the Galaxy Kit and the USMNT Kit.

The question of the day has to be this: will Bob Bradley keep his job.
Obvious answer seems to be no. Why?
Reason 1. His stubborness directly resulted in the USA losing.
-Ricardo Clark should not have started. Plain and simple. We had a winning formula, and it didn't involve him. If he wasn't on the pitch during the England match Garrard doesn't score that goal(not so soon anyway) and if he wasn't on the pitch during the Ghana match then he wouldn't have gotten his pocket picked like a 9th grader playing with the Varsity team during one of those 'We don't really care about this match so we aren't going to start our big guns' match.
-Robbie Findley. Oh Robbie Findley. I'm going to TRY to be nice about this: You're not a Striker my friend. Not yet anyway. You're a Sprinter with half-decent Football instincts. You can't finish for crap( as made apparent by that shoulda-coulda-woulda goal that he failed to get against Ghana). We had plenty of other legit-Strikers who could have started in his place. Edson Buddle, Herculez Gomez, Clint Dempsey, Brian Ching(who Bradley left at home), Brian McBride(another one Bradley forgot). Point is we had some great options for attacking-threats that didn't involve Robbie Findley. He just wasn't ready yet.
Both of those players have 2 things in common: they started matches because Bob Bradley was too stubborn to admit that he was wrong. And by the time he finally did so, it was too late.
Reason 2. He clearly wasn't able to get the team prepared for matchday.
-If the USA had advanced I would've been a little pissed still. For 1 reason: I'm sick of us having to come from behind. I'm sick of having near heart attacks because our team plays like rubbish for 45+ minutes and then after Bob gives a rousing speech or gives the team a hit of cocaine or whatever the hell he did during halftime, they suddenly remember how to play football and realize they should probably try to win the damn match. There's no way in hell you could beat a Argentina or a Brazil or a Germany that way. It just wouldn't happen. By the time the guys were ready to play, they'd be down 5-nil. It just doesn't work like that Bob.
Reason 3. This is America. We always have to crucify somebody and run them out of town when things go badly.
This has less to do with Bob and more to do with the fact that Landon and the boys created a phenomena. And now that the nation is watching, they're going to want control over things. How often are coaches 'on the hot seat' in other sports. Non-footy fans who jumped on board during these past few weeks will want Bradley's head on a platter. For no other reason than they know nothing about the game. They only know what we tell them. So us saying "Findley and Clark shouldn't have started." to them means "Bob Bradley doesn't know how to do his job." That's only partially true. But it won't matter.

That being said, It's not all Bradley's fault. The players had issues starting matches and not conceding goals early. It took them over an hour to realize they're in a football match with the entire world watching them. That's not acceptable. Even if Bob didn't get them ready, they should've rallied around Landon, Clint and Tim and realized "Oh hey, this is the World Cup. We should probably get our shit together"

I'm proud of the USMNT, and I'll back them forever. My German-ness won't disrupt that.(unless the two sides meet. then all bets are off).

Here's hoping Klose and the boys don't let me down tomorrow. I can't take another one. I'm getting too old for this shit.
One of the plethora of heartbroken USA fans/now 100% Germany fan
,Mazzus Keesaji

Die Mannschaft!

Twitter-fueled rant about Seattle Sounders fans. And other football related stuff

2010-06-11T01:12:00.001-04:00

First blog post in quite some time. Whoo-hoo. Anyways.

Effing-A. I'm sick of everybody talking about the effing Seattle Sounders. Well, not so much the club(because nobody really talks too much about them) but their goddamn fans. "Sounders have the best fans in the MLS." "Sounders fans are the best in the US. They set the bar for MLS fans." Dude..fuck them. Fuck Seattle. Fuck the Sounders. And fuck their fucking loser-ass fans.
Seattle Sounders are in their SECOND SEASON YOU FUCK-TARTS! That means, a year ago, they were an expansion club. They have great support, yes, but goddamn people. They weren't the first club in the MLS.
They didn't create a group YEARS before they had a club to cheer for, and go to games and fuck with people. (Sons of effing Ben..that's all I'm saying about that.)
I wouldn't be as annoyed by this, were it not for the fact that every time somebody mentions fans in the MLS the following phrase is always spoken "Seattle Sounders have the best fans in the MLS". Regardless of whether that's true, I don't give a fuck! ESPECIALLY since it's not a proven fact. Those guys have had it good for their 1.5 years of existence. Let's see what happens when the Sounders start to slip and fall to the bottom of the table. Let's see what happens when they go on a play-off drought. Will they still sell-out every game? Or will those 'great fans' give up on their 'little expansion club that could'. All I'm saying is this: announcers, stop riding the Sounds Fans dicks like they're the greatest fans of all time. They're a bunch of newbs who are excited about their club. The excitement is great and all, but you can't call them the best yet. They're still babies. Let's see what happens a year or two down the road.

Reasons why Germany will win the World Cup
1. Miroslav Klose
Golden Boot winner in 2006, Runner-up in 2002. Klose is, arguably, one of the greatest Strikers in the world. He gets overlooked because...I'm not really sure why. But he does. It's total b.s. He is a great player. Maybe not Messi great, but great none-the-less. Klose has the ability to create, like a lot of the great strikers do, and he has the size to out-jump a lot of the backs that he'll face.
2. Whether they win the group or lose it, doesn't matter at all.
Win group D, face USA(Group C #2). Place 2nd in Group D? No problem. We get the Brits. Fuck the Brits(Who will win their group, and probably beat the US. Sorry guys.). Win the group, play the US in the R16. Then play Argentina in the Quarters. Diego Maridona will do all the neccessary work to ensure that we own the Argentinians(sorry Messi. Don't worry broseph, your time for International Superstardom will come). Then we play Espana in the Semi's. They will do their usual "We're Spain. We're the best squad in the world. So now we're gonna choke and make everybody look dumb for thinking we would actually win the Cup this time" dance and we will advance to the Final. And who's next? France? Whatever. Brazil? Ha, they'll be exhausted if they make it past France since they NEVER beat Les Blues. England? Yeah right. The Brits won't make it that far. Paraguay? Chile? Greece? Netherlands? Australia(rematch from the Group Stages, btw)? We will take them, no problem.
3. Even without Ballack(who we will miss. Make no mistake about that), we have one of the best overall Midfield Corps in the World.
Just check out the German NT Roster. Go ahead, I'll give you a second...Yep. I know. It's painful isn't it? Well, painful for you guys. We have, without a doubt, one of the best groups of Midfielders on the planet. It's a fact. Sure, separately they may not be stars(with the exception of The Skipper, and a few others), but put those guys together on the pitch and magic happens. Mark my words, we will win possession in most of, if not all of our matches. And, our midfielders and strikers will make it count.
4. Despite what you may think, Germany has a legacy equal to that of Brasil
11 times the German National Side(or some Variation thereof i.e. West Germany) was involved in Finals or the 3rd Place Match at the World Cup. 3 Times, winning the Cup, and 3 times taking 3rd Place. That means that, of the 11 times, only 5 resulted in 'nothing'( and 4 of those 5 were 2nd place finishes, so that's still pretty effing awesome). We actually have made it to more "Final Four"'s than Brazil(our 11, to their 10. a difference of 1, but whatever. In football, that's a big number). Our boys have a legacy to uphold, and they will do it. 3rd place on our own soil wasn't good enough. Now, they want more. And Africa isn't THAT far from home. So we'll take it here for now. And we want revenge for '02. 2-nil? fuck you. Payback time.(I do find it fitting that I have Germany-Brazil as my final)

Football Hooligan
Mazzus Keesaji

Let the World Cup begin!

Psychology and Psychosis I - why I'm not that kid that shoots up the school

2010-04-24T04:03:00.000-04:00

This is another one of those times where a crazy dream/moment I had spurred a mental debate with myself.
Today's topic: The Difference between the Quiet Kids that Kill Everybody and the Quiet Kids that Kill Themselves. Pt. I(possibly of 3-4, but definitely 2)

For the past 8, give or take, years this is how my life has been at school: I seclude myself, try to avoid any sort of interaction with others that isn't involved with band, and let others go about their own lives. And, for that same period of time, everyone has said the exact same thing in every class: 'T.J. is that quiet kid that's going to snap one day and kill us all.'
While it is true that I have had my moments where I've wanted to stab everybody in their faces, I'm not really that kid.
There's a difference between me and that kid. Actually, there are a few differences. Similarities as well, but it's those differences that determine whether it'll be a massacre or just one victim.

Often time the people like me have 2 major things in common: We're different from everybody else, and Everybody else has made sure that we knew that for the entirety of our natural lives.
Some people call it bullying. Some call it 'kids being kids'. I call it 'step one to creating the mindset of someone who isn't afraid to take life(whether that life be that of someone else or their own).
It's common belief that this process, both the reason for the bullying and the bullying itself, is what makes the difference between suicidal kids(here on referred to as Type B) and 'school shooters'(here on referred to as Type A). I don't think that's completely the case. I believe it has more to do with the person.
The commonality between us and them is the feeling that "I've had enough, and something has to be done to end this b.s.". And it is this, the moment where we break, that leads down one path or the other. The moment where the rage and pain maximizes to a point where we reach a corner that, once we turn, there is no going back(which, I believe, is partly why 70 or so percent of these kids ALL end up killing themselves. But that's something for later.).

When it comes to Type A's their mind registers the thought that 'people won't leave me alone, unless I make them leave me alone. And since keeping my distance isn't doing the trick, maybe making them go away will do it.'
Whereas, with Type B's, it's more of a 'I just want to be left alone. People act as though they won't care if I'm gone so I'll just die so that I can be left alone forever.'
The greatest damage done by any bully is the creation of the mindset, in the victim, that they don't belong. That is the common trigger. We all feel that, for some reason or another, we don't belong here. Whether it be that we have a goofy laugh, we're chubby, we talk with a stutter, or we're not normal physically(I don't know statistics as far as 'short' vs. 'tall', but I'm assuming the former has more cases of being one of type B where as the latter is more prone to being one of Type A.)

In my opinion, the ones who turn the corner and become Type A's, feel that by eliminating those who treat them like they don't belong, they will be able to create a place where they finally belong. A place where they have the power, and no one would dare oppose them. Even if it's only for a few moments(because, as I said, they do often end up dipping into our end of the pool when it's all said and done), they're finally in a world where they feel safe and it's like they belong.
Conversely, Type B's more often than not feel that the world is better left behind. We've spent the vast majority of our lives being told that we don't belong, so why not just give everybody what they want and leave. Hopelessness is the common term associated with this mindset. The belief that all hope is lost.

When Type A's choose to take action, they're usually not too organized. There are cases where they have meticulously planned out every last detail as much as possible. But, usually, it's as simple as having a major stresser that causes their anger to boil over. This leads to the decision that the people who have hurt them have to pay. It is actually more common that these kids are the ones that are looking for some sort of recognition from others. They keep to themselves, but in reality they want to have someone notice them. More often than not, Type A's desire the attention of several people. This is why they choose the all-encompassing act of staging a shooting and outwardly attacking others. They just want attention that doesn't revolve around others making them feel like life isn't meant for them because of how different they are.
Type B's on the other hand have no true set 'time line'. At any moment, once they get that seed of self-hatred planted, they could try to end it all. That's why suicide has such a broad age-range. Whereas the key emotion in our gun-toting brethren is anger, the key emotion for Type B's is most often sadness(although, that is not often the case. There have been some cases were people kill themselves as a sort of 'vengeance' on those who have hurt them. They want those people to live through the "I'm dying because of you" pain. This actually can be directly related to HOW the Type B goes about the act of committing suicide as well. That's a subject for later though.). There are some who say that Type B's are more often the ones who desire attention from others, hence the 'drama' of suicide. In some cases this is correct. The act of suicide is far more singular and personal, than that of a mass shooting. And, there is usually a note that accompanies the suicide that, in and of itself, directly links one(or ,in some cases, many) people to the person.

There are very few ways to tell the difference between Type A's and Type B's. They look the same to everybody. They behave the same, as far as most people can tell. If I lined up 5 Type A's and 5 Type B's nobody would be able to tell me which kids are the ones that will take a gun and shoot others from the kids that would take a gun and shoot themselves.
Some psychologists think that the more aggressive ones are most likely to turn into Type A's. That's sometimes true, but they often tend to become bullies themselves. They'll try to assimilate into the normal crowd after realizing that they can do so by attacking 'their own kind'(and occasionally sacrificing themselves for the sake of the others amusement). And there are cases of Type B's who are relatively aggressive(for someone with the given widely accepted personality type), yet they end up taking their anger and aggression out on themselves(I am a prime example of this 'Type-AB', as it were. I also know a handful of them as well.).
I believe that, what it boils down to is this: how/why they're being attacked.

The best, and my new favorite, example I can think of for Type A's is Dr. Reid. Not just him but the kid he saves in Season 2(I think). The "I'm smarter than all of you assholes, but I'm somehow picked on BECAUSE of that so I'm gonna eff ya'll up" kid. These kids know for fact that they are superior to everyone. And they know that, if anybody deserves to live it's them. Because they feel the pain of being attacked by others, and have this knowledge that they are superior, they feel that they need to get rid of the people who are doing harm to them.
There are Type B's who are the polar opposite of that specific Type A. Those kids who might be slower than everybody else, and might not be able to completely comprehend everything that is going on. They'll feel like the ultimate outcast. Everyone will think of them as inferior, and they'll feel like nobody wants them around. They already feel powerless because of their lack of ability to understand what everyone else does, so they'll choose to make an 'early exit' and escape from the torture of life.

If this doesn't make sense to you then you might want to wait until Pt. II. Unless you're completely utterly confused, in which case don't bother. It won't help make sense of things. But, then again, nothing I say is supposed to make sense to anybody but me. These crazy theories are all formulated in my crazy mind.

,Mazzus

The Third Rose - Chapter One: 'Why Are You Here?'

2010-02-07T23:24:00.000-05:00

There is a very long, confusing explanation as to how this story came about. And an even more long and confusing explanation as to why it is written the way it is. This being the first chapter, there is a lot that isn't explained that very well should be. It is in further chapters(which you all will, hopefully, get to read someday), which is how a story is supposed to develop. And the idea behind the character, who is named after me, is actually more so based off of someone else who I know and have been able to observe their life.
The 'opening scene'(The whole convo about Amy Lee) actually came from a dream I had. It seemed like an interesting moment, so I made it into a story.
The names of the band members are the actual names of the guys and gals in the real Evenflow. Ya'll have probably heard me talking about them before. The story of how I met them is, obviously, completely different.
Questions, Concerns, Comments, or w.e. are welcome. Hope you guys enjoy this.

As we lay there together I began to think about quite a few things. Amber could sense this, having been together for nearly 3 years. She asked what was on my mind. I smiled, kissed her on her forehead and simply said, “You.” She smiled and blushed. “You’re so cute.” She said as she snuggled closer to me. “What about me?” She asked. “Remember the first time we met?” I asked her. Of course she did. It wasn’t anything all that special, but what came from it certainly was.

It all started off with a simple question

“Are you an Evanescence fan or do you just like looking at Amy Lee because she’s pretty?” I smirked when I heard this question coming from the unknown voice. “What if I say both?” I asked with a smirk. “That’s fine with me. It means you have good taste in music and in women.” She said as she came into my peripheral. It was like I was still looking at my laptop’s background. She was incredibly beautiful. She had a beautiful figure, gorgeous green eyes, long black hair, and soft skin. She was almost a spitting image of Amy Lee. “Well I’m glad you think so. So are you her long lost twin or did you dye your hair and buy contacts?” I asked her as I looked directly into her eyes. She smiled. “You caught me. The hair is dyed. These are all mine though. “She pointed at her eyes as she said this. “Well lucky you. I guess since you’re only half a liar I can still talk to you.” We both laughed as she sat down. It was strange. Most people here seemed to avoid contact with me at all costs. I wasn’t complaining though. I enjoyed being left alone. It made life easier for me. Not having to trust anyone again or let them in. Yet, for some reason, I felt as though I could trust this girl whom I was certain that I had never met before. “Nice to meet you. Amber.” She extended her hand. “Well, sorry to disappoint you but I’m not Amber. I’m T.J.” We both laughed. “I meant my name is Amber. But I assume you knew what I meant, but decided to make a joke anyways. That makes you a jerk.” She smirked. “Well in that case, it’s nice to meet you Amber. I’m T.J. And I’m not a jerk. If anything I am half of one. And since you are half a liar and I forgave you for that we’re even.” She had such a beautiful smile. But then again everything about her was beautiful. She was absolutely stunning.
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone waving at me. I looked up. It was Chase. I then remembered that we had scheduled studio time for an hour from now. But, for some reason, I was compelled to stay and keep talking to Amber. I waved him off. He understood immediately and walked away.
“What was that all about?” Amber asked. Normally I would just say something like, ‘oh nothing. Just some stuff he and I need to do later.’ But that’s not what I said. Instead I opened my mouth and, as I would discover a while down the road, my heart. “Chase and I have a group together. And we got some studio time for later on today. He was just reminding me.” I smiled. Inside I was screaming at myself. ‘What the hell are you doing? This is a BAD IDEA!!’ “So you’re in a band? Are you the drummer?” She asked as she looked at the bag of drumsticks and keyboard mallets I had laying on the table next to my laptop. “Not a drummer. A percussionist.” I quickly retorted. I hated being called a drummer. To me, it was an insult. Drummers had such limited musical capabilities. Their vocabularies left a lot to be desired as well. “What does wanting everything to be perfect have to do with the instrument you play?” She asked in a half confused voice. I smiled at her ‘innocence’. “Not perfectionist, percussionist. Although when it comes to my craft I do like for things to be perfect.” “Your craft?” “Music. It’s my craft. It’s my art. It’s my world. Music is what I do. It’s who I am. It’s made me into who I am, as have I made it into what I desire it to be.” I stopped. ‘Ok so maybe this was a bad idea. I’m saying too much already.’ “That’s pretty interesting. So what is the difference between being a...” “Drummers are idiots. They have extremely limited musical skills and vocabularies. They do one thing and that’s all they can do. Percussionists, such as myself, can play more than one instrument in the family. I can drum just as well as any of the others, but none of them can touch my capabilities on Marimba. That is where I am most at home. Behind a Marimba I’m practically immortal. That is the one place where I am at my strongest while at the same time my most vulnerable. When I’m playing Marimba, that’s when I am able to be completely true to myself. That’s where I am the most susceptible to being read by someone, but no one tries it because they are too captivated by what they are seeing. The guys have a joke that the only time I ever smile is when I’m playing because that is the only time that I’m truly happy.” Again, I stopped. ‘Ok. This is starting to scare me a bit.’ The look on her face was one of slight amusement. “So what about right now? You’ve been smiling the entire time. Does that mean talking to me makes you truly happy?”
She asked me a question that I knew the answer to without even having to think about it. ‘Yes. It does make me happy.’ But I couldn’t tell her that. I had just met her. It would freak her out. I couldn’t risk doing that and scaring her off. I enjoyed talking to her. I had just met her and already I felt like I had known her for quite some time. I couldn’t tell her that. But I couldn’t lie either. So I did the only thing I knew I could do. “I don’t know for sure yet. How about we talk again a few more times and I’ll let you know.” I basically asked her out. She smiled. “That sounds like a wonderful idea to me.” I smiled. On the inside I was exploding with joy. And fear. This feeling was all too familiar to us. ******, ********, *****(I'm keeping these names under wraps for now). This happened with all three of them. And we see how that turned out. But maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. We can only hope. We set up a 'date', talked for a few more minutes, and then parted ways. She went home, and I went to the studio. Chase had no doubt told the guys about seeing me with her. I knew I would have some questions to answer.

“I don’t think you ever actually did answer my question from that day.” Amber said as she looked into my eyes. I smiled. “Of course talking to you makes me happy. Completely, truly, 100% happy. I couldn’t be any happier than I am when I’m with you.” She blushed. “I love you.” She said. She had a gentle look in her eyes. As did I. “I love you too. Always will, no matter what.” We kissed.

“So bro, you gonna tell us about her or what?” Jason asked. As I expected, Chase told everybody about her.”I’d rather not or at least not now. We need to use this studio time to get some recording done. The show is next weekend and we need to have the demo done by then.” I said. I also didn’t want to tell them because I knew they would ask if I liked her. And I didn’t want to have to admit that I did. Not yet. It was too soon. I needed to make absolutely sure. Although, my heart seemed pretty damn sure of that when we were talking to her. “Yes Sir Mr. Boss sir.” Alex said with a smirk. After he said this, we set-up our equipment and then started warming-up. After about 5 minutes of warming-up we took a break. “So when should we expect a new song?” Jason looked at me and smiled as he asked this question. “We don’t need anymore songs. We already have the demo set-list and we have enough songs for an LP if we get lucky.” I was a bit confused as to why he would ask this because Jason was the one who always insisted that we had too many songs. “Well, usually when you find a girl we end up with at least two new songs. So I’m just wondering when we will end up with the new songs so I can get ready to push some of that useless Math stuff out of my mind.” The entire band laughed. “Jason, you are an idiot. And we don’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t find a new girl.” “Really? Are you going to see her again?” Drew asked “Let’s assume that I said yes to that question.” “You found a new girl. Or you’re in the process of finding a new girl. Either way, we are going to end up with more songs. So, what’s her name?” Alex asked. “Her name is ‘let’s stop wasting this studio time.’ Guys seriously, we need to get this recorded. We won’t be able to get any more time for at least 2 weeks.” “Whoa what? I thought that Mike said we could use this place anytime as long as we let him know so he could set up the recording equipment.” Chase had a half puzzled, half pissed off look on his face as he said this. “Relax man. It’s not that he’s kicking us out. He and Doc Wilson are going on a vacation together. And they are going to be gone for like two weeks. So we won’t be able to get in here anytime during the two weeks. So we need to use as much of this time as we can, just in case. Chase tended to have somewhat of a short fuse. A lot like me. That was just one of a plethora of things that made us best friends. We were so much alike it was almost eerie.
We met freshman year in Jazz Band. Neither of us liked being there. It wasn’t that we didn’t like playing in the band. We just didn’t like playing in the band with the people that we had to play with. We got pretty close with each other, at first out of necessity, but then because we discovered we were able to tolerate each other. That’s also how our band was born. Alex and I were close way before college. We’d been playing together since Middle School. We marched in high School together, played in every band the school had. Evenflow was our brain child from sophomore year. Ever since then we had been planning for the future of our band. There were a few instances where we almost made it, but we chose not to because the band was having some problems working together. Freshman year of college we decided that we would try to get the band together again. I introduced Chase and Alex a while after that idea came about. The three of us shopped around looking for members to join. Drew was the first one that we found. At first Alex didn’t want him to join, but we convinced him otherwise once we realized that there weren’t too many vocalists like Drew around here. Then came Jason, our Rhythm/Lead Guitarist. At first he and Alex didn’t get along because they fought over the Lead part every chance they had. But once we realized that Jason was able to play Rhythm and after the two agreed to split the Lead part things calmed down a bit. Only for a short time though. Ashley, our back-up vocalist, found us in a very interesting manner. She is the younger sister of my ex-girlfriend Rachel. When Rachel and I were dating, Evenflow was in the process of still crawling, so to speak. It was just the four of us. We had no actual songs, no studio, or anything else that we needed. Jason and Chase weren’t even sold on the name for the band yet. One night, while Rachel was hanging with the band, Ash showed up yelling about her shampoo being gone because Rachel used it. We tried to keep playing so that we could ignore them and let them have their sisterly quarrel. But Ashley didn’t seem too keen on that idea. So she decided to interrupt us and make a bit of a scene. She shoved Drew out of the way and started singing some random song that apparently annoyed Rachel. I was too captivated by her voice to be able to say anything that would make her stop. The next day she became our back-up singer. That’s where we stand today. Last year we won the school’s Battle of the Bands, the county BotB and we got 2nd in the state BotB. So, needless to say, the entire state knows who we are. Except for a few people…like Amber…She seemed to have no idea who I was. It was a bit exhilarating to have the feeling of getting to know someone without them already knowing who you are. I sort of missed that experience.

“Ok so what’s the plan for next weekend? If we won’t have studio time then how are we going to get some jam time in before the show?” Leave it to Ashley to worry about stuff like that. “No worries. I have it taken care of. I will explain it after we finish up here. So, if you guys are done wasting this time, I’d like to at least make it through one song.” They all rolled their eyes, but inside they were laughing. This is how our band does things. We aren’t like any other. And we like it that way.
We played for a few hours, packed everything up, grabbed our tapes and bolted for the night.

“Remember that night, before graduation?” I asked Amber. She smiled. “Of course I do. How could I forget it? It was so amazing. You were so cute back then.” “Oh, but I’m not cute now? No wonder you spend more time with Zach than with me.” “Oh don’t be jealous. He just needs a lot of love and affection. Isn’t that right Zachy-Boy.” Amber looked at the foot of the bed at our dog. His ears perked up when she said his name.

“So what’s this I hear about you having a new girl?” Mike asked with a bit of a smile. “How did you hear about that?” I asked. I had a feeling I already knew the answer to that question but I needed to be sure before I called Ashley and yelled at her. “You guys still have to learn about the equipment kid. The tapes were recording the entire time you guys were in the room.” “Oh. Well I’ll keep that in mind the next time we are there and decide to talk about you.” “That might be a good idea. So who is she? She better not be another one of my nieces.”
Mike and I met through Rachel and Ashley. While I was dating Rachel I had met him at a family cook-out that she invited me to. I met him a few more times after that when Rachel and I were together. And then, when Ashley joined the band, she introduced us and asked him if we could use his studio. He assumed that she and I were dating. So while he was talking to me about using the studio he kept mentioning how pissed off he would be if I hurt Ashley because of what had happened before between Rachel and I. Even since then he’s been joking about my being in love with his family and wanting him to be my Uncle, hence dating his nieces.
“No worries Mike. She’s not related to you. Her name is Amber. I don’t know all that much about her except for what I’ve heard from others. She’s apparently insanely smart. She has like a 4.0 and has had that ever since freshman year of high school. And she’s on the dance team. I think she’s the Co-Captain or something like that. And she’s gorgeous Mike. You should see her.” “I think I have. I think I’ve even met her before. In fact I think I know her family as well.” “Really? How? I know anybody that she’s related to?” “Yeah you might. She has a little brother named Alex. You might know him. He plays Lead in this band called Evenflow.” I had a somewhat shocked look on my face. I was hoping that he was kidding, but something told me that he wasn’t. But, just to make sure, I decided to ask him. “Are you serious? That pretty much sucks. Good thing I didn’t tell the guys her name.” I sighed. This was going to be an interesting talk once I did tell them. “You just better hope she doesn’t tell Alex about you. Since they are siblings I would imagine they live together. So you might come up in conversation at some point.” Mike patted me on the back as he said this. Way to make me feel better Mike.

“Alright so far we have 13. If that’s ok with you guys then we can just settle with those and work on mixing them and get them perfected. What do you think?” Every other Friday the band would meet in the Café and talk about what we were going to do. We would have a ‘progress report’ on how everything is going and we would pick a set list if we had a show coming up. “I think 13 is fine. I vote we just work on those.” Jason said. Of course Jason didn’t want more songs. “Of course you would say that Jason.” Chase said almost instantly, as though he were reading my mind. “I think we need more. We’re planning on having 5 for the demo right? So that means we only have 8. Maybe 9 because we will no doubt end up with a most popular song from the demo and will need to add it to the LP. I think we need a few more songs.” “Well, how many are we planning on putting on the LP?” “I don’t know. You’re the boss. It’s up to you.” “I don’t either. I just know that we need more than 9.” "Ok so it’s settled. We are going to have more than 9 songs. That means we need to get more songs than we have right now.” As I was talking I could tell the guys weren’t paying attention. They were looking at something that was behind me. Everybody but Alex had that ‘holy shit you are hot’ look on their face so I knew it was a girl. And Alex’s lack of ‘excitement’ tipped me off to who it might be. “Hey T.J! Is this the band you were telling me about?” Shit. I was right. It’s Amber. Well, so much for keeping this a secret from Alex. “Hey Amber. Yeah this is the band. Guys, and girl, this is Amber. Amber, this is Evenflow.” I tried to avoid eye contact with Alex for fear of getting the death stare. “Can you give us like 5 minutes? We’re just talking about some plans for the show next weekend.” I panicked. I didn’t know what else to do. I figured this way Alex and I can talk and get this out of the way now. Now that he knows it’s probably best not to avoid the talk we are going to end up having.
“Sure, no problem.” She smiled as she said this. As she walked away I turned my attention back to the band. “Of all the people to be dating.” Ashley said. “We’re not dating. We just met yesterday. And what’s that supposed to mean?” “Yeah Ash. What is that supposed to mean?” Alex asked in a joking manner. Huge sigh of relief. He doesn’t seem pissed off. “No offense to you Alex. I just meant that him dating your sister of all people. Trying to start a war in the band T.J?” Ashley looked from me to Alex and back to me. “I’m not trying to start anything. And we’re not dating!” I was starting to get a bit annoyed by them saying that. I had a very short temper when it came to this kind of stuff. Well, really, I just had a short temper in general. “Why are you getting so defensive? Would it really be that bad of a thing to be dating Amber?” Jason said in a somewhat condescending tone. “Yeah T.J. Why are you getting so defensive?” Alex looked at me. “I’m not being…” I paused. I looked at Chase. If I would be able to read any of them it would be him. “I hate you guys so much. Now that ya’ll are done pestering me can we finish up here?” I could tell that they had planned this. Chase sucks at lying. That’s probably why he hadn’t said anything yet. “Just don’t give me a reason to hate you like all of her ex-boyfriends ok?” Alex said as he looked at me. “Sure thing. Now back to the show next weekend. We’re playing...?” I looked at all of them as I half asked. “We have to play ‘The Ascent’. It’s our best song. I don’t care about anything else. But we HAVE to play ‘The Ascent’.” Of course Chase wanted to play ‘The Ascent’. He and I worked on that song like crazy. It was our secret project at first. We didn’t even tell Alex about it. Once we told the band about the song they immediately fell in love with it. Something about that song…It’s hard to explain. But that song has become the favorite of the entire band. And most of our fans have mentioned it being their favorite song. “Agreed. That’s a given though. We will always play ‘The Ascent’. What else though? We can’t just play one song.” “I think we should play ‘Prove It’. Just to show our flexibility. Show we can hit both ends of the spectrum.” Jason said. “Yeah I agree. Since we’re playing ‘Ascent’ we have to show that we’re not just one dimensional. We can play ‘Prove It’ as the opener, then ‘Ascent’ to close it out.” Ashley always agreed with Jason. We finished talking about the show and then the band left.
I looked over to see Amber talking to Taylor, one of the girls on the dance team. She had such a pretty smile. She had such a pretty everything. It was seemingly impossible for me to take my eyes off of her. She looked at me and smiled. ‘Seriously, this is a bad idea. Need I remind you of what happened last time? You really want to risk that happening again?’ Yes…Yes I do. I want to risk it.
She smiled as she sat down. “So I’m guessing you talked to your brother last night?” I asked with a smile. “I swear I didn’t know that you two were in the band together. He never told me the name of the band and I haven’t been to any shows and none of my friends go to local concerts. He didn’t make a big deal out of it did he? I’m so sorry.” “No it’s fine. He didn’t do anything. They all just joked around with me about it. It’s ok though. I just had to promise not to make him hate me like he does your ex-boyfriends.” “Oh well that’s good I guess.” She laughed gently.
“So, I have a question for you.” “Ok, go ahead.” “Why are you here?” Well that was blunt. “I mean, why are you here at this school? You could’ve gone to Yale or some huge school for geniuses like yourself. How did you end up coming here?” I tried not to seem like a jerk. I assumed that she had been asked that question at least a million times since her first day here. “I just didn’t want to go to one of those schools. Georgia is home to me. I never want to leave this place, at least not until I’m ready to. And I just wasn’t ready yet. What about you? I heard you got a music scholarship from some huge school in like Texas or something. Why are you here?” I was still astonished at the answer that she had given. Not because it was surprising… "Georgia is home to me. I couldn’t leave here again. I realized that I needed to come home because this is where I belonged. I didn’t realize it until it was too late so I wound up coming here.”…But because it was exactly the same as mine. “So I guess neither of us is living up to our true potential because we don’t want to leave home. That’s interesting.” “Yeah I guess it is. So you’ve really never been to any of our shows?” I was still in disbelief. “I really haven’t. But maybe I’ll come see you guys next weekend. It’s one of our few free weekends from Dance Team because Coach Wilson is going on vacation for like 2 weeks or something.” “Sounds good to me. I think you’ll like the show, or at least the end of it. I don’t know what the rest of the bands are doing. But we kick ass so we’re probably going to rock the house as usual.” It’s a good thing I don’t have that big of an ego. This probably won’t be good. “You must have a lot of faith in the rest of the band to be able to make such a big proclamation.” This has got to be the strangest day ever. First Alex isn’t pissed that I didn’t tell him about me and his sister, although there isn’t really anything to tell. And now Amber is finding the positives in my weirdness. I smiled as I looked at her. It was the only thing I knew to do when I was around her. I couldn’t help but smile every time that I saw her. “So what’s it like, being in a band?” Amber seemed to have an uncontrollable curiosity. “It’s pretty fun, especially with those guys. We always seem to make things rather interesting, no matter what we’re doing. Even when we’re just sitting around thinking of song ideas we manage to have a ton of fun. And when we get out on stage and are performing it’s so intense. I love being out there with those guys. I don’t think I’d want to be playing with anybody else.” I meant every word of that too. I loved the band. They were like my family. I couldn’t picture myself playing with anybody else, except maybe Amy Lee or Shinedown. Amber smiled as she listened to me. It was one of those ‘awww that’s so cute’ smiles. “Well no wonder my little brother respects you so much. You are a really good guy T.J.”

“Whatever happened to that bear that I gave you for our one year?” I asked Amber as I watched her playing with Zach, our Border Collie. “I don’t remember. I do remember having him that year that you were gone on tour with Chase and Alex.” After Evenflow made it into the mainstream Alex, Chase and I decided to make our own side project. We created a percussion group, ‘The Red Eagles’, and went on tour for a year while Evenflow took a break to work on our 3rd album. “Oh yeah, I remember those days. That was a pretty awesome year. I missed you, but that was such a kick ass tour.” I smiled as I began to reminisce and think about all of the fun the three of us had on tour that year. “I missed you too. That’s why I kept the bear with me. But after you got back he disappeared. I remember having him the night that you came back but after that I don’t remember seeing him again. I have no idea what happened to him. Why do you want to know?” She continued to rub Zach’s head as she looked at me with a look of curiosity. “For some reason I was thinking about that weekend when I gave it to you.” I smiled as I said this. That was an interesting weekend. We both had finals the entire week and hadn’t seen each other at all. We had planned to go out to eat Saturday night. I told her I couldn’t make it because I had some extra work to do with Mr. Carrens (the band director at W.G.S.U.). She was really upset about it. She went back to her apartment, where I was waiting for her with the bear, a bunch of Roses, her favorite movie, and a dinner I had cooked for her. She swears it was the cutest thing I had ever done for her.

We spent another hour or so talking. We were starting to connect. It was nice, getting to connect with someone again. I hadn’t done it in so long I had almost forgotten what it was like. But then again, I did that on purpose. I didn’t miss connecting with people. I was so used to distrusting people after everything that had happened with…Let’s not talk about that. Bringing up the past ruins the present. That’s why I finally decided to forget about her and move on. And I’m starting to like that decision more and more. That’s probably because now I’m starting to like Amber more and more.
“Well this sucks.” “What does?” I had a look of confusion on my face as I looked at Amber. “I have to go to class now.” She frowned as she said this. “Well I don’t have to go to class for a while so I guess I could use my spare time to walk you to class.” I smiled as I said this. “That would be so gracious of you to willingly spend your free time with me. I would be so honored.” She smiled as she said this with a sarcastic tone. “The honor would be mine, my dear. I’d be more than happy to grace you with my presence and let you show me off to all of your friends and the people you don’t know in your classes.”
My only complaint was that the walk wasn’t longer. I didn’t notice the books weighing a ton or the pain in my knee. I was too busy noticing how, when she was intrigued by something, Amber would become extremely curious and ask a million questions until she knew everything she possibly could about whatever it was that had her interested. I was also too captivated by her absolute beauty. I figured that since it was only the second time I had ever met her it wasn’t too much of a surprise that I was still overwhelmed by her beauty. I hoped that eventually that shock would wear-off...It never did.
“So I guess if I don’t see you anytime soon I’ll definitely see you next weekend?” I asked Amber as I set her books down onto her desk. “Well hopefully it won’t be that long before we see each other. If you aren’t too busy maybe we can hang out this weekend?” Amber half asked. We both smiled.

We decided to take Zach for a walk.
It was normal for us to take walks this late at night. Between the three albums with Evenflow, the two with Red Eagles, and Amber’s two solo albums, we were basically being watched 24/7. We’ve hated it since day one, but we’ve gotten somewhat accustomed to it. Some things we have just stopped doing all together. Others, like our walks, we have continued doing but less often and usually late at night. We expected the celebrity status to come along with the music, but it seems like we suddenly became the world’s obsession practically overnight. The rest of the band loved it, especially Drew. But Amber and I hated it.
“Have you heard from the rest of the band about who all is coming to the party?” Amber asked me. “I’ve heard from everybody except Jason. I believe he is still in Hawaii with Sarah. Everyone said they will be able to make it. And apparently your brother is going to be bringing his new girlfriend.” “He has a new one already? What happened to Heather? I liked her.” “That’s exactly why he broke up with her. He said she was too much like you and it would be awkward being with someone who reminded him of his sister.” I smirked as I said this. Amber scoffed. “At the rate he’s going that boy will be lucky to have somebody as normal as I am. So far he’s gone from bad to worse, except when he broke up with that stripper and started dating Heather. That’s the only good idea he’s ever had. Excluding the band, of course.” “Well, the band was more so my idea. He and Chase were just helping me with the details.” We both laughed. As we continued walking we noticed a few flashes in the distance. “So much for privacy. I guess we’re going to have to find a new time for our walks.” I had a tone of slight disappointment and annoyance in my voice.
Damn obsessive morons. I couldn’t stand being watched like this. It was extremely annoying. It was the worst part about the fame that came along with the band. Well, that and the rumors. All of the rumors drove me absolutely insane. That was part of why the band took a break after releasing our second album and touring for a few months. Originally we all decided to just fall off the grid for a while. Come back home, relax, and try to be as much of a non-celebrity as we possibly could be. But then Alex, Chase, and I decided to work on our side project. We figured it wouldn’t get as much buzz as the band, but we were incredibly wrong. The media just wanted something to obsess over, even if they didn’t understand its purpose.

“So now what? You guys going on a date or are you just hanging out and being ‘friends’?” Chase asked. I wasn’t too sure of what was happening myself. “I’ll let you know when I find out myself. Neither of us mentioned the word ‘date’ when we were talking. We’ve only known each other for two days. So I guess we’ll just see how things go tomorrow and then I’ll let you know.”

Leading and Following, Living and Dying

2010-01-13T13:47:00.001-05:00

"A change of scenery"
"A fresh start"
"Making a new life, a new persona"

"Don't run away from the fear"
"Embrace the challenges"

"Facing your demons"
"Not letting the world win"
"It's home"

Reasons to leave
Reasons to stay
Reasons to return

As the poster-boy for constantly moving from place to place trying to find 'home', I've heard just about every reason there is.

You leave home because it's a world you've explored countless times. I know everybody there, and you know everything there is to know about the place. As Julie from FNL said "home shapes you, and teaches you things", but after a while it get's old. No matter how much you love it, it get's tiresome. And if you hate it, then it was getting on your nerves since the day you were born and you want nothing more than to leave.
If you leave home you can start a new life, become someone different, change things and make them how you want them to be. If you've had bad things happen then leaving home is your chance to escape those things and get away and forget they ever happened or the people ever existed.

My one issue has always been that I've no clue where home really is. So I guess it makes sense that I'm a constant wanderer. I go from place to place. This makes sense to me.
As much as it does annoy me having to change things repeatedly, and being away from people I care about the fact is I've yet to find where I belong. Everybody has a place where they belong. I have not found mine. I've tried looking, and I've got the list narrowed down so far. But, for now I know that it is neither Jersey or Georgia. So now, we have to go back to the beginning. The before Georgia-after Jersey beginning.

Perhaps I'm destined to be a wanderer..

Only about 5 or so people knew this was coming. The rest, if any of you read this, probably know why you weren't in the group of people that I told.

I'll come back eventually. I don't know when, but I will(because Katie would kill me if I didn't).

This is farewell for now, New Jersey.

,Mazzus Keesaji

The Legend of Mazzus Keesaji

2009-11-28T13:44:00.001-05:00

There's a legend that speaks of a young man and his only friend. Growing up the young man and his friend,a beautiful young girl, were extremely close. So often, it seemed to them as though they were the only ones in the world and it was their playground.
One day, tragedy would strike. A fire would trap Mazzus in his house. He would survive, but would be very badly burnt and scarred.
As they grew older, they would continue to stay just as close as they were when they were children.
Mazzus became an artist, a writer.
His friend, became an actress and an icon for the world to obsess over.
And as the years passed, Mazzus fell more and more in love with her. He would write and write and find inspiration solely in her.
But Mazzus never told her. He felt that she was deserving of someone far greater than he. He felt that she deserved to have someone who wasn't what he was, and who didn't look the way he did.
Years later Mazzus would be told that his friend was to be married. His heart was instantly broken. For days, weeks, he did nothing, said nothing. He just sat in silence and in darkness. Not until the day before the wedding, did he finally break his silence and come out of the darkness.
He drove to see her, determined to spend one last day with her before she would surely be stolen away for good by the one she was to marry. They spent hours talking. They spoke of laughter, of joy, of happiness, and of love. And she said how she wished that someone were as in love with her as Mazzus was with the one he had written all of his beautiful poems and incredible musical masterpieces about. He paused for a moment. Perhaps this would be his chance to tell her and win her heart. As he opened his mouth to speak, the one she was to marry came into the room. She immediately lept into his arms. In that exact moment, Mazzus' felt his heart shatter. His world fell apart, as did he. He would collapse then and there, and would never wake again.
His friend would be devastated. Postponing the wedding in honor of her dearest friends funeral.
Days later she would receive a letter. Mazzus had left it with his lawyer under the instructions that if she were not married then he was to send the letter to her upon Mazzus' death.
In it Mazzus told her that every word he had written, every note it had all been inspired by her. It had all be about her. It had all been dedicated to her. He was in love with her, and she was his reason for being who he was. But that he kept the secret all his life because he felt that she deserved someone better than him.
That night she would dream of him. Of seeing him one last time. And she would tell him that she always saw him for who he truly was and that she had never thought ill-ly of him. And that, prior to her engagement, she was hoped that one day he would tell her that he felt this way because she too had felt it.

I love my random dreams..
Now that I think about it, this might have some legit story possibilities..I'll see what I can do with that..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Lost In You

2009-11-16T15:55:00.000-05:00

Continuing my trend/obsession with 3DG and their awesomeness..here is, possibly, my new favorite song by them..

Lost In You, by ThreeDaysGrace

This is off of their new CD, Life Starts Now which is all sorts of epic..
I think I like it more than I liked Sound of Madness when it initially came out(of course now I love it and listen to it every other day..)

I always knew that you'd
Come back to get me,
And you always knew that
It wouldn't be easy
To go back to the start
To see where it all began,
Or end up at the bottom
To watch how it all ends.
You tried to lie and say
I was everything.
I remember when I said
I'm nothing without you.

Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you;
Let me inside
Let me get close to you.
Change your mind,
I'll get lost if you want me to.
Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you.

You always thought that
I left myself open.
But you didn't know
I was already broken.
I told myself that
It wouldn't be so bad;
Pulling away, you took
Everything I had.

Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you;
Let me inside
Let me get close to you.
Change your mind,
I'll get lost if you want me to.
Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you, in you.

The pain of it all,
The rise and the fall,
I see it all in you.
Now everyday
I find myself saying
I want to get lost in you.
I'm nothing without you...

Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you;
Let me inside
Let me get close to you.
Change your mind,
I'll get lost if you want me to.
Somehow I found
A way to get lost in you.

A way to get lost in you...

,Mazzus Keesaji
(and 3DG)

Never Too Late

2009-11-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

I plan on posting an actual blog, sometime soon..
But, in the mean-time I'll post a song instead..

Never Too Late, by Three Days Grace

It pretty much sums up life right now..
You should listen to the song too, if you haven't..
Because they're an amazing band..

"Never Too Late"

This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late, it's never too late

Even if I say it'll be alright
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see this side reflected
And if there's something wrong who would have guessed it
And I have left alone everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say it'll be alright
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew won't come back
The time we've lost can't get back
The life we had won't be ours again

This world will never be what I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say it'll be alright
Still I hear you say you want to end your life
Now and again we try to just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

Maybe we'll turn it all around 'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

,Mazzus Keesaji
(and 3DG)

The Unforgiven

2009-11-04T13:44:00.000-05:00

Last time I did an actual blog was last month. Good job by me. lol

Let's see...

Life has been..interesting as of late..

Very interesting..

Couple weeks ago we had our 2nd 'get drunk and play TF2 and other awesome games' party of October(We usually do it twice every month.) It was a bit less epic than usual though. Which disappointed me a good bit. It was still fun, but it wasn't as good as it usually is. As always, I pwned. Cause I'm good like that.

Marching decisions..that's been a major issue..
Didn't get to go to UP Auditions which I'm extremely pissed about..worked all that time for basically nothing..
Was talked into doing Caballeros(DCA), but wasn't completely sold on the idea and was looking into marching Bush(Bushwackers,DCA)..Then I made the decision to say screw what everybody else wants me to do, I'm marching Surf..Figure I've only got a year or two left of DCI so I'll take advantage of that and march Senior Corps after I age-out..No point marching in DCA if I'm capable of marching DCI right?
So I got the Surf battery packet and cried when I realized how easy it was..So that's pretty much settled on that..
Hopefully, due to my January birthday, I'll be able to get another season of DCI and WGI. March this season with Surf, actually go to the United auditions, and (if I make UP) head down to Crown for my age-out season.
That's my plan..I'm doing everything in my power to stick to it..I'll kill anybody who tries to stop me..

I love you TCNJ..

that sums that up..

I hate you Papa John's..

that sums that up..

I'm still astonished at the insane season RV has had..
Judging from the group I saw earlier this summer, I'd never have guessed that they'd be this good. They have impressed me a lot.

So..my mind has been leading me down all sorts or strange paths as of late..

I keep having this dream(the few times that I sleep, which have been very few as of late). It involves me, drumming, and a girl. And Scott, and Travis, and Kelly(Pruden). And sometimes Britton is involved too. And every once in a while the ex is somehow involved too. The problem with this dream is that 1. it makes absolutely no sense, 2. I keep having it so it annoys me to no end, and 3. aforementioned 'ex' is in it which is never a good thing...
And I guess it's worth mentioning that the part of 'the girl' has not yet been chosen..aka it changes people every night..which makes it that much more confusing and annoying and frustrating and pointless..

And now I shall leave you with what has been my life story as of late, 'The Unforgiven' by Metallica.

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time, the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on, he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is

Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

You labeled me
I'll label you
So I dub thee “Unforgiven”

,Mazzus Keesaji

(and Metallica)

Theory of a Rose - The Truth Behind Her Eyes

2009-10-30T15:41:00.000-04:00

Read all the way to the end..you'll hate me for the beginning, but after that it'll make more sense..
and, in case you missed Pt. I ( http://mazzusmind.blogspot.com/2009/10/theory-of-rose-beginning.html )

"I woke up. And I felt an incredible pain. But not at all physical. I felt an emptiness. I felt the world consuming my soul. I felt like I was dying. And so I determined that I had to end it. I had been in so much pain. I couldn't deal with it any longer. But something in my heart kept me from falling apart completely. SomeONE in my heart helped me not fall apart. She was that someone. She saved my life that day. I'll never forget it. It was our normal routine to text each other when we woke up. I decided that if anyone deserved to know what happened, and if anybody could maybe save me, it would be her. I poured out as much of my heart as I could given the stupid 185 character limit. And then I began planning. I wasn't expecting to hear back from her. I wasn't expecting anything. But, my phone rang. A text from her, was the last thing I expected. She told me she was worried and hoped I was ok and she loved me. At the time I thought nothing of it. I was in too dark of a mindset to care. But, deep down I knew I couldn't hurt her and wouldn't.
An hour passed. I still was waiting for everyone to leave the house so I could finally do it. Finally be rid of the pain. Finally be free from life. And then something very confusing happened. As it turned out she did truly care. So much so that she was scared out of her mind and went to the schools counselors to let them know what was happening. They started the process of finding and stopping me. Which, to this day, I still don't understand how they did so. All I know is this. They found me, because of her.
Skipping ahead a few hours. I'm sitting in a room, by myself, waiting. Just waiting. And the only thing I can think about is her. She saved my life. I spent those two hours thinking about her. Thinking about how much I owed her for saving me. Thinking about how much I loved her. This was essentially the beginning.

I suppose, in theory, her saving my life was what made me realize that I had one of the most amazing people in the world at my side as my friend. Deep down I had always wanted more, but I had to be content with what we were. And I was. She was, and always will be, the greatest friend I've ever had. Just like she was, and always will be, the greatest love I've ever had.

No one ever made me feel as happy as she did. No one ever made me feel as loved as she did. No one ever cared about me the way she did. That's why I was, am, and always will be in love with her. She'd had my heart since that day, and did a damn good job of protecting it. I can't think of anyone better that I'd rather have it. And it will always be hers until the day she doesn't want it anymore. I'm hoping that day will never come because the thought of losing her hurts more than the scars on my arms.
Loving her was the greatest idea I had ever had. I never have and never will regret it. Regardless of what may happen between us. She will always mean the world to me. She will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. And it all started that day when she saved my life."

If, for a moment, you'll forget everything you know about the two of us(by now it's assumed that you all know what's going on here/who is being somewhat focused on in this) and follow my progression of thought. And, try not to get too confused please. I don't intend to repeat anything. This whole series is a one shot deal folks.

The main focus in Pt. I was the danger, and the feeling of immortality in love.

Now we get more into the betrayal aspect of this.

Imagine being me, in that situation. Being in so dark a place that the only solution you could think of was dying. Imagine that, if you can, and then try to think about everything that had happened between she and I prior to this day..

Have we connected the dots yet?

If not, then I'll make it simple for you...

She was the cause as much as she was the savior..

Yes, she was part of a massive ball of chaos that led to my mind being so shattered and my feeling so lost that I almost died..

The simple way to explain it is that I was giving up in order to prevent what would eventually happen from happening..But that was a fail because the universe has a sick sense of humor..the universe felt the need to, not only have her be the one to stop me, but also have exactly what I knew would happen, happen..

damn you universe..why doth thou torture me so?

But that's the simple version..Nothing is ever as cut and dry as the simple version makes it seem to be..

It was more than my fore-sight enabling me to see that things would get really really bad in due time..it was the past rearing it's beautiful head..
it was them..all of them..and her..seeing what I saw in her, and remembering what happened with them..

Certainly, it could be said that I jumped to conclusions because feeling what I felt toward her vs. them was no comparison..
However, as it turns out, I wasn't jumping to conclusions..I was right..Because I'm smart..
But not smart enough to know that if you're going to kill yourself you don't tell the girl you're in love with and who gives some semblance of a crap about you and expect to succeed..
Or at least if you're me, that isn't how it works out..

Nothing is the way it seems
That's the main point of this..

Nothing is ever the way it seems..

Back to the epic journey..

Skipping ahead a few dozen months to where we are today..
This is where the whole 'Thornless Rose' theory comes into play yet again..
It'd been a fairly long time since any sort of communication had gone either way..and then, out of the blue, it happens..
That damn little white dot with the '1' in the middle..
Thank you facebook..I loathe you..
I can't help just think to blame facebook..
And OTH..and the various assortment of people who made this all possible by doing whatever it is that they did to push her over the edge so much so that she chose me of all people to turn to..AND blame the people who apparently failed at their jobs at helping her...I hate all of you..

The Theory of the First Rose: don't trust them
The Theory of the Second Rose: don't let yourself be fooled...

,Mazzus Keesaji

The Theory of a Rose - The Beginning

2009-10-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

A Rose without thorns is just as deadly, because it gives you the illusion that love is safe. Don't fall for the trick. You never know when it'll grow those thorns back. It'll be ok to hold it, until one day it pricks you with it's new thorns. You'll bleed the same way you would with a Rose that had thorns in the beginning. But you'll feel betrayed because it tricked you for so long. The only thing worse than being hurt by someone is being betrayed by someone. Don't be the Rose without thorns.
I can't take it anymore.
Just make me bleed now.
I'd rather deal with it while I still have this feeling of immortality, than deal with it later.

That's the danger in love. That feeling of Immortality. That feeling that you're so happy, and blissed out, that nothing could possibly hurt you.
So often that is what leads to the pain. The reality setting in. We forget about everything else. And then, the rose pricks you. And sends you into a state of shock.

And that's just the normal time.
Imagine having a 'Thornless Rose'. Thinking you've finally found something safe, something that won't hurt you. It can't, right? It doesn't have any thorns. Maybe this is finally going to be the time it works.
And then, over time, you give more and more and feel safer and safer and forget about the idea of being hurt. It's not possible, afterall, because you think the Rose has no thorns.
When, in reality, it was hiding them. For whatever reason, this Rose has chosen to conceal it's downside. Hiding from you the possibility of being hurt by it.
And you, in your foolishness, will continue to ignore the thorns growing, slowly but surely.
Then one day..it happens..
The Rose pricks you. It's new thorns have grown in completely and it has now attacked you and hurt you. Betrayed you, by hiding the truth, hiding it's thorns.
But this one is worse than any before..
Because, unlike before, you were fooled into thinking it was safe. Thinking that nothing could hurt you. Because you had this Rose. And It's thorns were gone. You were safe. No pain would come to you, and if it did it wouldn't be the fault of the thornless rose..
That's where you made the mistake..
You were tricked..betrayed..

The Adventure Final

2009-10-16T12:33:00.001-04:00

other titles for this: "TJ's Great Adventure", "Journey to the Center of TJ", "TJ Finds a TJ", and "Arthur and TJ Make Sense of Life"
Why? because I'm ridiculous..you love it
Why I chose that title? Cause Angels & Airwaves= awesome music, which is the bulk of my life..

So, just a heads up: this is going to be farely lengthy..So you probably shouldn't read it right now if you don't have a lot of time. Unless you want to keep re-reading this boring beginning part over and over again. Hmm..maybe I should put the end of the story at the beginning...nah...I have to write chronologically..I'm a writer..it's what I do..

So, UP...That's been my main focus for the past few weeks..months..my lifetime..I've wanted to march PIW since I was like 8...long ass time...And I finally had the opportunity..sort of..

Well anyways, I practiced Saturday...and was awful for the first half hour or so...absolutely awful...I usually only suck at Sticker Controller but Saturday morning I couldn't even play Skips which was by far the easiest(and most fun) to play..It got better but that definitely took a shot at my psyche..

But I knew that wasn't it..
And it wasn't the excessive drinking that I did the night before..
Or the staying up till 3AM playing TF2, while drinking...

Well, anyways, It's been about a month or so since I first had this crazy dream. And starting sometime last week I started having it repeatedly. Legit, every night when I went to sleep(which is dumb in the first place because it's extremely rare that I sleep more than one night in a row now-a-days. I don't sleep much. Thank god for energy drinks and the fact that I do the vast majority of nothing everyday.) I had this dream.

In the dream, I died. I don't know how, I just know I died. And I was a 'ghost' of sorts. I was still here but all invisible and floaty and such. And, contrary to what you may be thinking, it was in fact not even the slightest bit cool. It sucked. A lot. Anyways, it's the day of my funeral. I go because, well it's my funeral so I figure I'm obligated to show up. A few minutes pass, nobody shows. 15 minutes, nobody. Half an hour, still nobody. Just me and my deadness in a box, and that's it. I leave thinking, 'well maybe they are all torn up and can't bear to come to my funeral and see me dead and have to accept that I'm legit gone.' I was wrong. Turns out, nobody cared. Nobody at all. Not a single person gave even the slightest crap that I was gone....huh.......well this is an epic fail. I wasn't THAT bad, was I? I mean, I know I had my moments, but sheesh...NOBODY? Really? If I were capable of doing so I'd probably kill myself, but seeing as I'm already dead I'll just get really frustrated.
And then it get's worse...
I'm wandering around when I suddenly see my parents, and the rest of my family(both sides...weirdness to say the least). And for the next 10-ish minutes all I hear is "we're so disappointed in you. We're ashamed of you. You're an awful person. We don't like who you were and who you've become. You're no longer a part of this family." .....absolutely devastating...That's one of those moments that, if it were to ever happen in reality, you're heart would just stop...And mine did...which is probably why I woke up at that moment, as I had every night prior to this one...and said the exact same thing every time..."fml..." at which point I looked at the clock/my phone and said "whyyyyyyyyyyy am I awake right now...effffffffffffffff"

So, I decide to 1. pay for college and live to march another day(damn knee/arthritis) and 2. take a day to do nothing but think...
The trouble with 2 was that I can't seem to think when I'm at home...I just can't...Brain function=limited at best...except when I'm writing percussion scores..then it functions just fine..

But, seeing as my knee was limiting my mobility for the day, I was forced to stay home...and lose my effing mind...

Skipping ahead a few dozen and a half hours and it's around midnight-1AM. I had finally chosen to go for a walk in an attempt to clear my head. It, however, didn't work. Which was exactly what I needed it to do.....
My options were either go home and continue to go insane, or try to find something else to do. Seeing as I had already done my drinking for the first half of the month, that wasn't an option.
And that led to my best idea ever. To me anyways. To the few(by few, I mean two..that rhymes..lol) people who knew about it, not so much so. But, when have I been known to listen to other people when it came to my sanity and how to deal with it. Or, in this case, the lack thereof.

Woke up at 3:45AM Monday morning and started walking. Going nowhere in particular, and having no intent of turning around until something happened that either helped or just made things worse.
First there was the car full of drunk kids that almost ran me over.
Then I almost got sucked into a trucks back draft(I guess the doctor was right. I ought to gain weight).
And then, for about 3 hours, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I walked, cars drove by, people looked at me and had that 'wtf, you're crazy' look on their faces, and my head was still in the process of exploding.

I'm pretty sure I walked through what appeared to be the Jersey version of 'the country' which was weird. I'm used to seeing the country, having lived in Georgia for way too long, along with Oklahoma. But it was weird seeing it here in Jersey. I have no clue where it was, because I had no clue where I was. Which was rather fun, at first.
After an hour and a half, give or take, in the 'country' I reached what I'm assuming was some idiot city in loser North Jersey.
Me being me, I had my DD(if you don't know what that means by now then you fail) jacket on. And I heard an old guy say "Dacula. As in Dacula, Georgia? I been there!" Needless to say, I was extremely shocked because the only people who know about Dacula, let alone how to say the name properly are the people from there or who have lived there.
*note* this next portion is mostly dialogue driven

"Yes, Dacula as in Dacula, Georgia. I guess you've been there before?"
"I never been there, but I head of it. I was born in Atlanta myself, but I sure heard of them Dacula Falcons. You play da' drums son?"
"Yes, sir I do."
"I bet you don't know what a Vibraphone is though, do ya? Ya'll drummers don't know nothin now-a-days"
"Well, actually, I know what a Vibraphone is. I'm not technically a drummer. I'm a percussionist. I play everything."
"Oh, I see. We got us a multi-talented musician here. How 'bout that. Can you guess what instrument I played son?"
"I'd guess you were a percussionist yourself."
"Wrong! I was a Woodwind player. Saxaphone was my 'weapon of choice' as it were. I played that thang like nobody's business. I was a pro."
"Oh were you? That's pretty cool."
"Oh yeah. I was the king of Jazz at my school. Back in the day they called me The King. Had that name before Elvis did, believe it or not."
"I believe it. So, do you still play?"
"No, no. Not anymore. That was a long time ago. Things changed."
"I see. That's too bad. I know some guys that would love to jam with an old school sax player. They're pretty good themselves."
"Yeah. I don't think I could hang with ya'll new school though. Times dun' changed. Music is different than it used to be. Everything is different...Well...almost everything"
Speeding through the 20-ish minutes of boring talk about the differences in music from what it used to be to what it is(he had some very interesting viewpoints that I never thought about before. Definitely changed my perspective on music as a whole.)
"I still wish I coulda' gotten to live my dream though. Playin in a world famous Jazz Band. Woulda' been nice."
"Well, why didn't you?"
"I lost it. I lost the music. I lost everything. It just all disappeared one day. It was horrible."
"How'd that happen?"
"You ever had your heartbroken son?"
"Yes...I have..."
"Well, that's when it all started for me. I met this girl back when I was in high school. I remember, it was my Sophamore(no old person ever said sophomore. it's always sophAmore. lol) year. And I knew from then on my destiny was to be with her and become a famous Jazz Player."
"Sounds like a good destiny to me."
"Oh yeah. It was great, let me tell ya. Life was wonderful. Best times I ever had was when I was playin Jazz and when I was with my lady. We had everything planned out. Same colleges, all of that. But...then one day something changed. I'm still not entirely sure what it was, but it all just changed. She left me. She just up and left. Didn't say a thing, just left. Broke my heart into pieces."
"That seems like it might not have been a good thing."
"Oh no. Not at all son. It was an awful thing. Absolutely awful. I loved that girl. Had every intent on marryin' her."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, sure did. But never got the chance to ask her. I was going to, but she left. And I didn't know what to do with myself. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. And that was play. I grabbed my Sax, locked myself in my apartment, and just played for hours and hours and didn't stop. I played until the pain went away. And whenever it came back I played some more."
"What happened after that?"
"Well after about a week of that I just stopped. I couldn't play anymore. I tried but just couldn't find it. Everything stopped making sense. The music, all of it."
"Sounds like the moral of the story is don't fall in love."
" Not even close young man. See I lost it, but I got it back for a while. See, one day my Sophamore year in College I was in the rehearsal room and I saw a girl. A beautiful girl. Outstanding in every way possible. Curvaceous and beautiful and just delightful. She was great. And when I saw her I found the music again. I felt it come back to me. And in that instant, I knew I had to have her. I thought that fate had made me lose the love of my life, or at least the one that I thought was her, for this girl."
"So, what happened?"
"Well, I approached her. And as I opened my mouth to introduce myself to her in a millisecond I saw my entire past flash before my eyes. Except it was actually what I thought would be my future with this girl. And it ended the exact same way."
"And..."
"And then I left her alone. I got scared. I thought that that was my fate. And I wanted no part of that. That was not somethin I was lookin forward to doing again. One heartbreak was enough. I was too scared to take the chance."
"I'm confused now. What's the point in you telling me this?"
"The point, young man, is that you gotta be willing to take that chance. Don't be scared. Don't let the past keep you back. Don't let the broken heart, or the girl that broke it stop you from loving again. That's the only way you're gonna be able to work it out."

15 minutes later, after explaining the situation with myself and 'the one who shall never again be named' I left and walked home. That old guy, Arthur, had every answer I needed except for one.
And that's the answer I'm looking for now. I think I may have found it..idk yet..I'm thinking about it..He said it was smart to keep taking risks..he said nothing about jumping off a cliff and hoping I can suddenly sprout wings or somebody dives off that cliff after me.

So, anyways, that's my epic adventure. Crazy, right?
Yeah, it was pretty epic. You're all envious of my insanity.

Now I am off to write an extremely long letter because, that's what I do. I'm a writer.

Btw, yes that is my new 'catch-phrase'.

,Mazzus Keesaji

One Month

2009-07-22T03:04:00.002-04:00

In 3 shorts days it will have been one month
One month since the greatest night of my life
One month since the greatest achievement I've had to date occurred

It's been an intense month(or two depending on which day you go off of. it's basically splitting hairs so w.e. we decided to go with the latter..which oddly enough occurred before the first while still technically occurring after...yeah..it's complicated..but that's how we are..nothing is simple with us)
One of the best months of my life.
Has it been hard? Oh yeah
Has the strength of the love been tested? yep
Would I trade this past month for anything? Not a chance in hell

For, as much as there have been some bad points there have been the good..nights like tonight..nights where being so far apart, and having not talked for an extended period makes that 1am call that much more spectacular and amazing
For every bad day I can count at least 3 good days. That's a damn good balance to me. There's always that one moment during the day or at night while we're talking when I get that feeling..that feeling that this just feels...right...
That is a very rare thing for me...my entire my very few things have just felt right for me...being with her is definitely the best of those things that has felt right...

I still stand firmly by my declaration that I am the one for you..I always will..And, so far, we have to an extent proven that..At least as much as we can given the 821 miles separating us now..
I also stand firmly by my saying I love you and that I'm in love with you. Because that is and always be an unchanging truth. Always and Forever. And ever and ever and ever

,Mazzus Keesaji

Lend me your ear my dear

2009-06-10T01:24:00.002-04:00

How is it that we managed to go from so happy and blissful and in love for an entire 2 weeks to this...so much uncertainty and pain...again...

Wait...Did I just say again?? Again as in this has happened before? Well, surely this is only the second time then...Right?..RIGHT???

Nope...I'm a fucking retard...A "hopelessly in love, willing to give her any and everything she could ever want, so ridiculously happy with her that losing her again would kill me" fucking retard...This isn't the 2nd time...This is the 3rd...With her...Overall this makes number...fuck...I lost count...How depressing is that? I've lost fucking count of how many times something like this has happened to me...fuckass...

I believe that I've figured it out...This is our karmic punishment for what we did...This is karma kicking us in our respective sensative parts for doing what we did when we knew we shouldn't have...But you can't help who you love...Dammit...I wish I were saying that in a way that was defending what we did...But now I'm using it in defense of what you've done...again...again...

I should say fuck it and quit right? give up, cut my losses, and move on right?
Do you know me? Apparently not if you thought I was going to actually that...

Never give up..Never back down..

Fight like hell for what you want and what you love and who you want and who you love...If you get it easily then you don't deserve it because nothing should be given to you...You have to fight like holy hell...

I told you this before...I love you...I always will...And I'll never stop...That much I know is completely true...So the ball is, like it always has been, in your court...I'm waiting for you to make the decision...Tell me what to do...Tell me what you're going to do...Or tell me you love me and this will all be fine soon enough...Just please tell me something, and soon...
I'll wait for as long as I need to, but we can't do this forever...you need to make a decision soon...

Don't make me regret having this dream again...Don't make me regret risking everything I spent all of these months working on, just for "our" sake...

,Mazzus Keesaji

P.S. Jenn Sterger is my effing hero right now

To Whom It May Concern:

2009-05-26T02:19:00.002-04:00

I'm prepared for the consequences this will undoubtedly bring...

There's no denying that we have a very interesting connection, you and I. We've been through some intersting shit in the somewhat short amount of time that we've known one another. But that's what happens when fate puts two people who love each other in a situation where their will is tested the way ours was. We were forced to fight what we weren't sure we had. But once the handcuffs were taken off...Well to put it plainly, it was incredible.

But now we've arrived here at this interesting turning point, once again. I know where one road leads because we've bee down it twice. I'm most interested in wandering down that other path. The one that doesn't end. The one that keeps us both happy for good. The path that you and I both, to an extent, fear going down again.

There's a problem with that. I'm more than willing and ready to go down that path with you. But you seem to be uncertain of whether you want to, or who you want to with. I don't do this with the intent of being cheesy or trying to steal the 'epic' speech..but, I feel like I can say this because I KNOW I'm right..I'm the guy for you. I'm the one you should be with, from now until forever. You and I both know we make each other crazy happy. If you would only trust our relationship and not give up so easliy on us, you'd see how much better things will be. I'm the one for you. I know it. And you will realize it too, soon enough. I'll wait if I have to, and if I have to suffer through standing by and waiting then so be it. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm the guy for you. And someday I hope you realize this.

I love you. A lot. This has been made quite clear several times. You've returned the sentiment. But now we need to work to go beyond that. Like Andrew said, Sometimes love is enough if you let it be. Let's take our painting and fill in the colors as we go along. more than Romeo loved Juliet...
You're move my dear..

do you're damage people. I have spoken. I regret nothing. I take nothing back. I am who I am. I want what I want. I'm done letting it go. I'm done standing by. I'm going to fight for what I want. No Fear. Yell, get mad, scold me, do whatever you want..I don't care..I'm sorry Mama Bear..But hey this is better than I was the last time..

,T.J.

Drive

2009-05-26T00:02:00.004-04:00

I've been alive for 20 years, 4 months and 17 days(give or take a few hours)...
I've been on a 20 year journey..I've spent 20 years searching..
That's what life is..searching..looking for something..anything you can latch on to..
That one person or thing that makes your world brighter than it had ever been..

20 years is a long fuckin time..Sure I'm young but still..20 years is 20 years..And I spent the majority of those searching and having no clue what I was searching for..

I suppose there was one thing my dad and his replacement wife were good for..the time they forced me to go to therapy for being a "troubled teen" aka doing normal teenager bullshit because I was pissed off and hated my life because my parents had gotten divorced and my dad had gotten remarried and my mom was unhappy..you know, being an ass, being disobedient, not giving a damn..typical teenager shit..They thought therapy would help and, suprisingly, they were right..It didn't change my behavior..It changed my mindset..

My therapist read something I had written..(the first book of a series I wrote a while ago..)and told me that the good thing about my writing was that it showed I had a goal..I knew what I wanted to do and for someone so young(I was 16 at the time) that was a good thing..

What he didn't realize was he was completely wrong(or so I thought)..I had no idea where I was going..I just knew I was living life..College wasn't even close to being on my mind(which was a bad thing)I didn't have any specific direction..I knew 2 things at this point..I loved what I did(music) and I loved a girl(those who knew me Sophomore year know who she was..)..That was all I knew..and at the time that was all that mattered..
But, as we began talking about it I realized that I did have a direction, I just didn't realize it..

There are 3 things I've always cherished in my life: My Music, My Writing, and My Relationships..
Those three are what drove me..they are what still drives me..My direction is somewhat unclear because, while the 3 could all be grouped together into one(given another drastic change of scenery) they would all take me in different directions if I stayed in my current scenario..

My Music..Teaching is my goal..How I get there I don't really give a damn..I just know I want to teach..I want to be what Mr. Britton/Scott/Tony/Adam/Zach/Mike/Aaron were to me(and the rest of RVDL)..I want to get that killer feeling when I'm standing infront of my kids while they're in the arc and they are just jamming and it's beautiful..I would kill for that..that feeling when the percussion ensemble finally gets through that one passage in Big Country and it finally comes together and sounds smooth and sexy..that feeling when the wind ensemble kicks the shit out of that ridiculously hard piece that most kids couldn't play on their best day..that's what I want in life..

My Writing..I'm gonna be published..It's gonna be awesome..I'm gonna be like Lucas but better cause my publicist won't say "you're book kinda sucks..write a less sucky one you loser"..My writing will be the shit..and I will be happy and love my life because my words will help the reincarnation of me..

I'd be full of sit if I didn't say that my friends and those I love didn't play a big part in my life..I used to run my life based completely off of other's opinions..I've changed that to an extent, but the opinions of my friends do still temper my mentality..There's a second part to this..
The one thing I've been chasing for the longest amount of time..The one thing that has caused me the greatest amount of stress..The one thing I fear I'll never get..Love..
There was a girl..She was beautiful..She is beautiful..She meant a lot to me..I loved her..That failed..
There was another girl..I thought I loved her..She was beautiful..She meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There was yet another girl..I thought I loved her too..She was also beautiful..She also meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There is a girl..I love her..Knowing how I feel now, I'm certain that I wasn't truly in love with the prior 2..I'll never stop loving her..She is beautiful..She means everything to me..Twice she's hurt me..But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go for it again..and again..and again..

My drive is what has kept me alive in these few months..But I need to take a break..I need to go home..Maybe I'll stay(there)..Maybe I won't..

,Mazzus Keesaji

I'm either losing my mind or imagining that I'm losing it..either way this probably isn't good..

2009-05-14T00:25:00.001-04:00

I suppose the one fault to New Jersey is this: it has an extremely negative effect on my mental state..Not in the sense of my happiness but in the sense of my true sanity..

But, it's most likely not because of New Jersey but actually because of people(one person in particular) there..

I know this because I'm starting to see people..Like actually see them and have conversations with them..And, in some very odd cases..well..let's just say I know how House feels now...Minus the Vicodin(although I totally could be hopped up on it if I wanted to..My doctor did prescribe it to me)

I have no idea what's going on..For all I know I could be hallucinating typing this and talking to Katie and Kevin right now..

Seriously..I'm losing my mind..It's so trippy..I have no clue what's real or what isn't..Well, that's a lie..I know for fact that the version of 'you know who' that I'm seeing isn't real..I know this because she hasn't randomly decided to ignore me in favor of talking to her ex who broke up with her..

Oops..I just accidentally revealed her secret identity and her greatest flaw all in one fell swoop..Well, actually I've only just begun to scratch the surface..

I'm an ass, I know..This is what happens when you get on my bad side..You get to see the darkside of TJ..Imagine the normal me pissed off times infinity..that's about half as bad as I am when I hate you..Which is about where I'm at with her right now..

Which doesn't explain any of what has happened the past couple days..
But that may just be my subconscious thinking about the promises she made to me..yeah..let's not go there..

Miley Cyrus needs to never ever do a country song again..If that's what all of her songs are then Billy Ray might wanna get a paternity test cause there is no way his kid has such a bad country voice..'The Climb'..seriously..she needs to never sing a coutry song again..she does not have a good country voice..

So..going to the DCI Countdown..bad idea..not because it sucked..It was friggin awesome..I had forgotten how ridiculously intense "Sparticus" was..Going to the countdown was a bad idea because it made me miss marching even more than I already do..I almost wish I had chosen ALLIANCE(or Corpsvets) over going to Jersey..But I'm not going to regret that..I'm happy with my decision..I'm going to enjoy my summer..I just miss marching and the activity as a whole..I'll probably feel better once I go to a couple RV practices..Plus I'm gonna be secretly techning the basses and going to their sectional's so that'll keep me somewhat happy for a while..

I'm going to kill you with a spoon..I'm not even gonna give you the respect of killing you with a sharp object..I'm just gonna stab you with a spoon..
You're gonna get spooned, and I don't mean that as in us cuddling, I mean I'm gonna beat you with a spoon..I'm gonna beat you with a spoon until you die..I'm not even gonna stab you with it..In fact I don't even wanna beat you..I'm just gonna whack you on the head, knock you unconscious, and then proceed to use said spoon to scoop your insides out..after I use this same spoon to peel your skin off like you would do with the top of the ice cream when you first open it..yeah..except I won't eat you..I'll feed you to like a cocatu or somethin..

...that was slightly sadistic...wow I'm a sick person when I'm in my insanity-hallucination mode..I'm gonna pretend I didn't say that...

..anywho..

...

...

...

...

...

you know you're tripping hardcore balls when you have a conversation with yourself..and you can actually see yourself sitting across from you talking to you..trippin balls man!!!

trippin hardcore balls...

Oh but it get's better..now the other me and the imaginary she are making out..great she dumped me for the imaginary me..whatthehell..even when I'm losing my mind I still can't have her..eh whatever..

...oh boy...that was a fun conversation...hopefully that will work itself out...

sleep time is now...not really though cause I'm gonne end up being awake all night writing again..

oh, one more thing..HELL YEAH PENGUINS!!! Sid the Kid is a beast..
Stanley Cup Finals again this year, but this time we're winning it..

,Mazzus Keesaji...and several other persona's...

New Jersey......or Atlanta ALLIANCE

2009-05-01T22:21:00.003-04:00

Woke up this morning..at 11:45...shit...I was supposed to wake up at 8...That set me back quite a bit...

Failed at writing as much as I had intended..But I still got a lot done so it was ok..
XLibris called..Finally able to tell them that the book is done..Now we move to step II and something I'm definitely not looking forward to..Editing..having some idiot tell me that everything needs to be changed and my writing sucks..yippee..Then I get to write for a month and a half before I re-send it to them so they can change more stuff and then finally step III...but let's worry about the editing and shit first..

Chapter II of 'Bloody Rose Pt. III' is finally done..and I finally was able to get one of my goals checked off..Chelsea has officially been written in as a character in the story..I had intended to do this from the beginning but couldn't see a way to do so until recently when I was working on the end of Chapter II..That's when it hit me..So now my bestest friend is in my story..yay

Ummm..So yeah..Dollhouse was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd wicked tonight..Joss Whedon makes me sick..he's what I wanna be when I grow up..wicked..just..wicked..I'm amped to see next weeks episode..

Life during and after Dollhouse was the definition of being bi-polar..I'm leaving in 15 days..May 16th is when my flight leaves..YAY!!!

...and then I checked my e-mail...

So I've been wanting to march ever since the end of Indoor..I've been plotting my return to the activity since the second that we found out we didn't make finals(yes I am still a little pissed about that..While Alex and I were watching Finals I think I actually almost teared up..)Today was seemingly like all of the others..Me checking websites and such and seeing if anybody(Specifically Crown, Alliance, and Music City) had any openings on their bass lines or in their pits..I do this routine every other day..Check the websites and then say how much I hate my life and wish I could march..
After Dollhouse I decided to play Spider Solitaire..So I minimized the Firefox window and looked at my Google sidebar..I saw an e-mail in my inbox that simply said 'ALLIANCE Calling...'..out of sheer curiosity I decided to check my e-mail and see what that was all about..

Terry Reilley, Executive Director of Atlanta Alliance had sent me an e-mail saying they had an opening in the pit and wanted to know if I was interested in marching with them this summer..

...You gotta be shittin me...

I'm supposed to be leaving for New Jersey in 15, count 'em 15 DAYS!!!

Oh but let's not make this any better...ALLIANCE has camp at 8:15am TOMORROW!!! Yes, tomorrow..tomorrow as in Saturday, May 2nd, 2009...Tomorrow as in about 11 hours from right fucking now...tomorrow as in I have to make this decision RIGHT NOW!!!

damn it all to hell...the day was going so well...life was good...I was leaving in 15 effing days...but now...I don't know...I just don't know...

There's always an option of marching next season...but that's an IF...right now I have pretty much a 'if you show up tomorrow morning and can pay the $500 throughout the season then you are going to be marching with us'...but...I'm not going to New Jersey next summer..I'm staying here(or possibly spending it in South Carolina or various other states touring with Crown/ALLIANCE/Music City)..so..what do I do with this summer..the summer that is already paid for via plane ticker..

Stay and march and get a season under my belt and then stick with Alliance or go to Crown..
Go to Jersey this summer and have fun with my friends(majority of whom have seemingly forgotten I exist..just throwing that out there..) and hope I still have the chops to march next season..
Do neither? that's actually becoming a part of the decision now..
The decision I have 10-ish hours to make..ALLIANCE Camp is at 8:15am tomorrow....it's 11:34..I figure I have till about 6am to decide..aka I'm not sleeping tonight..

shit..shit..shit..what do I do?!?

,Mazzus Keesaji (member of 2009 Atlanta ALLIANCE???)

oh what to do, what to do...

2009-04-30T22:37:00.002-04:00

Today has been a wicked day for me and my mind..

My dream last night kept playing over and over again the entire day..well at least until about an hour or so ago..then I started thinking about something that I most definitely should not have been thinking about..

The dream was about her..yes I know..bad idea..but it wasn't my fault..she's been haunting me lately..
It's really really complicated..Like really..
A what-if scenario..One that, if it were to happen, I have no idea how I'd actually face it..I mean it'd be great..but at the same time it could just make things even crazier than they are now..

Some time ago I began to think..Upon discovering something that I had no idea about, I realized that the possibility of the past returning was very much there..At least I think so..I'm not entirely sure..I mean there's a ton of stuff that would need to be sorted out..But think of the possibilities..I mean aside from the most recent 'her', I don't think anybody ever did to me what she did..BUT..that's not gonna happen..at least I doubt it will..I guess I'll have to take Kevin up on his challenge and see for myself..

So...XLibris...I'm pretty sure I mentioned them a couple months ago...Well, here's a refresher just in case..They're a publishing company that helps people self-publish their books..ANYWHO..they've been calling me a lot lately...either they really really want my money, or they really really liked the half of my Manuscript that I sent them...So now i'm trying to hurry and finish my Manuscript so I can get it to them and get it made and hopefully sell it and be rich yay! We will see how that goes..(If I get published and sell well I'm totally dropping out of college and never ever looking back..not really..I still wanna teach, regardless of what happens with my book(s))

Ummmm...So yeah and umm..that too..coolies..

,Mazzus Keesaji

I'm Finally Home..?

2009-04-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

2+ years..
I waited that long to finally come back down here..
To finally come back to the place I called home..
To finally be where I belonged..

But since the night that I got here..it has not once felt like home..
Not once has it felt like it used to..or like I thought it would..
In fact..I've felt more estranged since that day,than I did the day I first moved to Jersey..
Aside from the day I got to see Chelsea,everyday here has made me feel more and more un-comfortable and..made me miss New Jersey more and more..Just like everyday in Jersey made me miss being in Georgia..

I didn't realize it until now, but Jersey became to me what Georgia used to be..
The realization that I was actually leaving(combined with the texts I got from Matt, Alex, and Katie) made this sudden feeling of complete and utter sadness come over me..And my flight being delayed for 500 hours definitely didn't help the situation..
And then..getting on the plane..sitting there waiting to take off..realizing I was going to be so far away..I actually almost started like crying for-real crying..I mean..there were tears,I'll admit that..But I wasn't like sobbing or anything..But I felt it..I felt like any second I was just gonna fall apart..But I didn't..cause I'm a hardass like that..

Now..I'm finally home..and all I can think about is how badly I want to go back and how much I miss being there..When I do sleep I wake up hoping that this was all a dream and that I'm still there and that I never left..Which is crazy because sometimes that's what happened when I was in Jersey..I would wake up and hope I was still here and that it was all a dream..

This is a bit of a predicament..I'm basically split between the two..
I can either live in one and spend vacations(most likely summers) in the other, cut one out of my life and accept that I just had to make a decision, or go crazy..well I'm already crazy..
There really is no happy medium here..And if I were to go somewhere else then I'd have to split time between visiting Georgia and visiting Jersey..THAT would be absolute hell..

I already have this year and next year planned out..I'm gonna go to Jersey this summer, and then possible for Christmas. Then next year I'm staying here for the summer. HOWEVER, after the summer next year I have no clue what I'm doing..
I might transfer to a school in Jersey..I might go to Southern..or I might try and go to the school I wanted to to go in the first place(Tennessee) cause that'd be friggin sweet(I'll be spending my age out season with Mystique and that year is the year of my age out so that'd be kinda cool..)

I'm completely torn between the two..I'm basically living two lives..
When I came back to Georgia I started talking to a lot of people that I hadn't talked to much while I was in Jersey..and I'm losing contact with a lot of people in Jersey that I talked to a lot while I was there..THEORETICALLY the inverse will be true when I go to Jersey..I don't want that to happen but that appears to be the trend..Or, perhaps my nightmare will come true and everyone in Jersey will completely forget I exist and not give a crap like a vast majority of them seem to right now..

I wish I had never left Georgia..but I'm glad I did..but now I wish I had never left Jersey..I'm only slightly happy that I did though..very very very slightly happy about that..So maybe I'm better off in Jersey..or maybe I'm better off in neither..I hate my life sometimes..

I wanna go home...but I have no idea where it is...

*I had this blog saved as a draft for a couple months(since October last year)..I was hoping that my feelings would change, but they haven't..I still hate it here and want to go back to Jersey..but I want to stay too..effmylife..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Why I love it: the power of music..

2009-04-07T12:24:00.003-04:00

A week ago I posted this crazy dream that I had, and in it I went in this semi-long tirade about Music..Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I said, and how I could properly expound upon that ideal that I stated(the ideal that music is the most powerful force in existence..the greatest of the arts(which is no knock at all against the visual arts because they have power just...eh, you'll hear that explanation later))..

-I’ve been a musician for 3 years (I’ve been playing since third grade but I never was a true musician, for being a true musician requires an inept ability to not only physically but mentally and emotionally comprehend and portray music in such a way that it is beautiful to anyone who willingly immerses themselves in the experience of watching a musician play), and in those three years I learned more about myself and life than I expected..-

Hopefully that was a simple enough concept..next..

A couple of years ago, my bestfriend Nick and I had a little chat about the activity..we were watching WGI videos and talking about the effect that indoor had on the percussion world..and then we started talking about the effect that indoor, and music as a whole, has and can have on people..This is a basic outline of our ideal, brought to you by a very pissed off me (I just copy pasted this from my rant I that dream I had last week..which I recommend reading because it's slightly amusing..

-The belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..(I still don't know why I used that word...)) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience and has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has allowed them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert(yes..that was me..non-stop practicing for countless hours..I'm an addict..and I still feel like I don't practice enough)..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..-

There you have it..a basic overlay of the ideal that music is the greatest force on the planet..

When I talk about music, and get so lost into it that I completely lose track of everything and just ramble on for seemingly forever..that's a very interesting moment for me..There's seemingly a purity in what I say..It may not make sense to anybody else, but it makes sense to me..Music means everything to me, plain and simple..It is everything..There's nothing else, greater than music..not anymore..it's eclipsed everything for me..that is partly the fault of myself, and others, but it is also the sheer power of music..The only time I ever felt that much clarity was when I was with a certain girl whose name shall never be spoken again..but that's a conversation for another time(we don't wanna get me started about love and such cause then I'll never stop)..

This will probably definitely not make much sense at all, but try to follow along..

-I’m following a dream that is still in its fetal stages, but I know that if I find a way to properly let it grow then it will blossom into something incredible. I want to be able to make sure that the life changing experiences I had while involved in music will be passed on to the future. I want to be able to teach and help my students learn and grow the way my teachers helped me learn and grow. I want to be able to help a kid who is immersed in music, yet still lacking direction, to find their way like Mr. B helped me. I want to be someone that my students can come to, and essentially become a father figure to them, like Scott, and Mr. B were to me.
I want to be able to live and know that what I went through wasn’t just me suffering for nothing and know that I suffered because I had to learn to be able to teach someone who will be like me, or completely different from me. Music is my love, it’s my life, and it is everything to me. Music has power that no other force has. It can change someone if they let it. And sometimes it changes them even if they don’t let it. It can’t heal a person, but it can lead them through the process of healing. Music isn’t magic; it’s merely a force of humanity past present and future. Passing along that understanding of music is what I want to do with my life.
For 17 years I went through life believing that I was destined to suffer and be constantly cut down. So downtrodden was I, that I fell into a state of depression and mental unreason that almost led to me ending my own life. Music, a long with a close friend (whom I met thanks to music), kept me alive. Being able to pass that a long to a student that is suffering through that pain will be an incredible feeling for me-

Changing unreason to reason. Changing dark to light
It's incredible what music, and what the activity can do..An unspeakable power..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Try to keep up

2009-03-31T08:42:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night
It was really weird and intense as hell
It's kinda confusing so try to keep up

So, it's like 7:15 this morning(in the dream) meaning I'm in class(which instantly means this dream sucks cause whatthefuck am I doing having a fucking 6:30am class..tooearlyinthegoddamnmorningtobelearningshit..fyi I hated waking up for high school too..well kinda..I mean it was good for a while but then it just got fuckin annoying waking up that early..oddly enough I fucking WOKE-UP to get ready to go to school at the same time that I now start class..holyfuckingjesuspleaseshootme)

It has clearly been a rough 2 hours because I'm pissed as hell..I'm not paying any sort of attention to Ms. McKinney cause I really don't seem to give a damn about anything at this point in time..
The only person in this class who talks to me is Gamida(fyi, she's hot as all hell..like seriously..holy shit..), and she sits right in front of me
anywho..she turns around and asks me what Ms. McKinney just said..
I don't have a damn clue, and usually I'll just say I don't know and leave it at that..But for some reason this morning I'm in a very intense mood..
So I say, "I don't know. Sorry.." I pause...and then...it begins

"I actually have no idea what the hell I'm doing here right now. I really don't want to be here at all." This is un-usual(ok..as much as I hate waking up there early in the fuckin morning, I do like the class..I mean, excluding the now ex-girlfriend in the class, it's somewhat nice..It's English meaning it's easy because it's writing and I write a lot and basically kill everybody in that class..There's like 12 of us so it's not like it's a bunch of annoying fuckers like high school..and having 3 ridiculously hot girls in the class helps..shitwhendidIbecomesoshallow..oh wait I know..it might have something to do with all of the bitchwhoreassholeslutskankcheatingliengwhorebitchtrampevilheartripper-and-stomperoner's I've dated in the past..)
And Gamida knows this and asks what's wrong..I wish she hadn't because I feel like my brain exploded..I've never before experienced myself in this sort of jumbled rage before..I go on so many different tirades it's ridiculous..I almost want to shoot myself and say "Hey shutthefuckup"
anywho..I'm pissed, she asks why, I begin my tirade..

"Among all of the incredibly wonderful things ex's could do for you, did you know that blindsiding you with ridiculous bullshit is probably one of their favorite things to do? I did..but today was far worse than I've EVER experienced..And it's worse because 3 of them all ganged up on me..these past 2 hours have forced me far beyond my limit for bullshit for the day..Hell I might have filled my quota for tomorrow and Thursday as well..I mean where the hell do these...bitches(I did actually pause and shake my fist in the dream just like I did right now typing that word..idk why but I don't like calling girls that unless I'm really really pissed at them and even then I try not to say it..fault of growing up with 2 older sisters and 2 female cousins a year younger than me) get off giving my grief about shit..
I mean whothefuckarethey? They're the ones that ripped my fuckin heart out and stomped on it a bunch of times..Seriously who the fuck get's mad at their ex that THEY broke up with after putting them through months and months of torture and hell and then saying they were still in love with her ex(that's not about who everybody thinks it's about..oh yeah people that's right, she basically has a fucking clone..it's ridiculous..I know, I'm retarded..blow me asswhipes). Whatthefuck kind of world is this where you can give somebody shit for that? When you were clearly and undisputedly wrong ..Whothefuckare you?!?..
and then the other two..oh my fucking hell..it's like I was living through the same shit a second time..literally the same things happened. Almost an identical time frame as well..Same process and everything..It was sickening to watch..we meet, we become close, we date and then seemingly out of motherfucking nowhere, although really it isn't out of nowhere..I know how they were in the past..I know that they probably were not ideal girlfriends..but I couldn't help it..
I have what I suppose would be called the 'Medusa Complex'..The eyes always get me..Pretty eyes pretty much paralyze me..It's my weakness..That's what distracted me from the flaws..That and the happiness I felt..But I suppose even that isn't a good enough excuse..You don't, you can't forgive a girlfriend for having sex with anyone..
especially not, well I wouldn't even call him my bestfriend..we were much closer than that..we were basically brothers..nearly mirror image lives..It was creepy yet bad ass..We even had the same ideals..
the belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience as has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has transported them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..
That son of a bitch stole both of them from me..(yes, in the dream I really do go from that rant to this..I told you it's weird)I caught them in the act..Not like in the gay ass movies..They were full on fucking..And I walked in and saw them..And the bitchin part about it is, THEY DIDN'T STOP!!! That's where the movies fuck you..they don't account for the heartlessness of a cheater/backstabber..if they're willing to cheat, and especially if they know you are in the near vicinity or soon will be, what the hell makes you think they'll stop to try and account for your feelings or give a single damn about you..That was the absolute killblow for me..
So..these three, dare I say, bitches(again pausing and shaking of the first) have the absolute nerve to give me shit..These three who have single handed-ly torn apart my ideal of love..I mean what the fuck is the point of it? If this is what it turns out to be then who gives a fuck about it? I sure as hell don't..I mean look at what I've become..
I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic, but that hopeless part has far outmassed that romantic part..As of late I've probably turned a blind eye to a lot..But that's become my natural demeanor..I mean hell this is the most almost all of you have ever heard from me in one sitting..and the only reason that is is because I've lost my mind..I bottle everything up and then this happens..I'm a volcano..
This is me in fuckin volcano mode..spewing fire and brimstone and destroying everything in my path..I literally kicked a squirrel today..Not cause it was annoying, cause I usually think they're cute..but today I just saw the thing minding it's own business and booted it's ass halfway 'cross campus..I symbolized my love life into the form of that squirrel and destroyed it just like those three tramps and the others have done to me..I kicked that squirrel's ass, quite literally..I'm surprised it didn't run when it heard me coming..but I ain't complaining..I needed that shit..it felt good..real good..I'd love to do that again..Just boot a squirrel across the campus..that'd be cool as shit dude..
I cut people off(again, I really did do that transition..I think I was on speed or something in the dream..it was some wicked shit)I don't let anyone in anymore..I can't..I fucking hate people too much..I don't trust anyone..I literally hate the world..I mean I really do..I want to kill everybody..
I'd be perfectly content with having a mass execution and just killing the entire population one-by-one until the only people left are those that I like..or are really really hot..oh and George Clooney..Maybe Brad Pitt too..can't kill the man crush(Clooney) and the bitches will demand Pitt live..I hate people and it's all the fault of my ex's..and my so called friends..
I fucking hate people..I don't even believe in love anymore..how fucked up and depressing is that fuckin shit? I hate people and don't believe in love..That's some depressing shit dude..True love if a fuckin fairy tale..It doesn't exist..
it's a complete load of crock..really it's stupid..To think that you can truly and completely love someone..You can't..because you lie to the ones you love..so really, you hate them..and love those you hate because you tell them the truth..There is no truth in love..true love requires an absolution(yeah..I dunno either and it's my fuckin dream)..you have to be completely vulnerable yet still strong..being in love makes you be at your weakest while still being stronger than ever..It's breaks you and then rebuilds you..Love reforms you..True love makes you weak..Yet it makes you powerful..but it doesn't exist so in reality it does nothing..if you believe in true love you are probably retarded..you should probably go see a doctor because you are an absolute imbecile..
How fucked up is it that I think that? Nobody should be like this..But I am..it sucks..I hate it..but this is my natural demeanor now..I've turned into a complete dark and heartless sonofabitch..But can you fuckin blame me? I mean who wouldn't be a damaged fucked up motherfucker..I'd hate to meet the person who's quote un-quote fuckin normal after this shit..They have to be one secretly sick fuck..
Why the hell do people even bother..it's not worth trying..it's probably a 1 in 100 chance of being happy and staying together for the mythical 'forever'..Some people do, but in order for it to be forever, you have to have known each other your entire lives..you realize that narrows the list down substantially..technically the only person someone could be with forever is their mother and that's just awkward..
Love is a big fat greek lie.."
At that point Gamida tells me to calm down(seriously..you wait this fucking long to say something..why not when I first start losing my mind? whatthefuck) so I do..and then I leave..
...don't date robots...

So, the hilarity of this dream is that I never actually find out what happened..I never say what they did that pissed me off so much..I never even get close to backtracking and saying anything even remotely close to being helpful..Quite frankly, I'm a little pissed about that..But whatever..I am one seriously fucked-up individual..and fyi, for the most part, everything that I said in that dream is pretty much reality..my true mindset and such..which is what makes it funny to me..I could totally see myself flipping shit like this one day and just losing it and going, "volcano mode"..it'd be some hardcore shit too..I hope it get's caught on camera or recorded somehow..

,Mazzus Keesaji

I miss my family

2009-03-20T03:45:00.000-04:00

Da Bears

That was the best part of senior year..I loved that bassline with all my heart..All 4 of them..Mama Bear, Baby Bear, A.D.T.(another damn teenager..yep that was the actual name I gave Mike. I remember it now) Bear, and Red Bear..They were truly like family to me..

I keep having this recurring dream about them..
It's just before our performance at Wildwood, right before we go over with the rest of the battery to pray and stuff..And I'm talking to them..But the only difference between the dreams is that I say something different every time..Literally every single time, I say something completely different to them as a whole and to the 4 individually..

What get's me isn't the recurring part, the different speeches part, or even the fact that every other time I'm wearing my uniform..
What throws me for a loop is what happens between us going over to the rest of the battery and us having our little bassline huddle..It's always something ridiculously weird..
Oh and what happens after the performance as well..that too is weird..
It's the same every time but still it's weird..

Oh and the hilariousity of Scott Daley and his jokes about me not having my uniform..

It's just an overall interesting dream..

I hate to compare the LoM(if you don't know what that means by now then you might be an idiot...or a redneck...lol...) bassline to Da Bears..but it's seemingly unavoidable..They were essentially the complete opposites of one another..Hell even the early version of the SG Bassline couldn't compare to Da Bears..Although the week or so when it was just Mama Bear, Baby Bear and I was pretty awesome. A lot of notes were missing, but it wasn't because we weren't playing our parts..And having that template of the three of us and then infusing Red Bear and A.D.T. Bear into it made us freakin kick ass..

There was so much that I wanted to say to that bassline before we went on the floor..but I cut some parts out for sake of saving time and for sake of not getting all emotional and such..But that bassline meant a lot to me..More than a lot of people who are actually in my real family do..
One thing that the LoM bassline did have in common with Da Bears, aside from me, was how interesting sectionals were..Although with the LoM bassline they were interesting because I was always yelling and being pissed off and losing my effing mind, with Da Bears they were interesting because with how close the 5 of us were we had so much fun together. And we really did act like we were a family sometimes. It was great..That's how every drumline should be, but the bassline more so than anyone else because of how much we have to rely on one another..As much as I would've loved for it to have just been me on the field marching bass during LoM I knew that I needed those three...very interesting individuals...We never got the chance to build that closeness and trust..which I find odd because it took such a short amount of time for Da Bears to do so..
And another thing, I dunno of anybody noticed this but not once during indoor did my knee bother me at all..It was weird..Scott and Britton made such a big deal out of it and it turned out that they didn't even have to because I felt fine the entire season(with the exception of after that one show where somebody ran into the back of my knee with the guards floor cartjawnthingymabob..And the floor was supposed to be harder on my knee than the field was..I find that so odd..
I held a lot back that weekend at Wildwood..before our performance..and after we found out we didn't make finals and had the meeting..Although I did shed a couple tears right along with Travis..
It's interesting when you talk about something that means so much to you that you essentially lose yourself in your words ad your emotions take control..That's what happened to him..and that's what I fought to keep from happening to me..But deep down I was baling my eyes out..
I guess that's why I want to teach so badly..That love for the activity..Not just in myself but seeing it in others..Seeing that raw emotion surface after having a killer show or that uncontrollable determination after a show where you know you effed up..Seeing that in others is one thing that makes me love it even more..I might not be able to march anymore but I'll be damned if I let that stop me from getting to teach and getting to watch kids that will be sitting exactly where I was and knowing that feeling that they're getting as they're watching a recording of their best performance or their worst..And being able to help them to find a way to control that and use it to make the show ever better if it was good, or clean it up if it was bad..
Giving up isn't an option..If you love something enough then you won't let anything stop you or keep you from it..And having that love for the activity is what has driven me this far and will drive me until I'm old and senile living across the street from the school so I can hear the drumline practicing..

That might be what made Da Bears so close..loving what we were doing and having respect for the activity and knowing that it could do some pretty awesome stuff..
A.D.T. Bear's metamorphosis from who he used to be to who he was after the season was a very interesting thing to behold..seeing him mature the way he did..I can't wait to be on the other side of that..being where Scott and Britton and Tony and Brad were watching this change in him..It's gonna be great to see that..I don't want to have to see it, but if I do it'll be great..seeing that maturation in someone..
And Baby Bear..The way he stepped up was very impressive..A lot of guys would've said 'oh I didn't get to march what I wanted to march so fck this I quit..' and left..But he didn't..And he was instead enrolled in Papa Bears school of "it can always be better and I'm gonna rag on you until it gets better..."..Being perfectly honest, at first I was worried..I was happy about having 6 basses and about Joey being top bass because getting to essentially mentor him for a season would be fun..It'd be like the good old times at Dacula..But I was worried that he wouldn't be able to hang..And, at first, he was having trouble..but as the season progressed and He, Katie, and I started getting closer he started getting better and better. And I felt a sense of pride..Not because I thought that he was getting better thanks to my helping him..I really felt like I was a proud father watching his son maturing and becoming a better musician..And once he started to get solid on his parts I started to get less worried..And by that time the bassline was in the midst of going through an internal war so it was nice knowing that the chaos still brought forth fruit..Honestly, during that whole period of having an a.w.o.l. bass3, a ship abandoning bass 4, and a...I can't even think of anything nice to say about Ayre...It was nice seeing that he was starting to get a grip on it all and was grasping what Katie and I were throwing at him...If not for him I would've given up at that point and chalked the season up as a failure..
I say this with absolutely no intent to disrespect Darren in any way...Deep down we all knew Matt was gonna be Drum Captain...It's not that Darren would've been a bad one..we obviously don't know that because it didn't happen..Indoor was interesting in that both Matt and Darren set out on ventures into new territory..Granted Matt started on snare, while Darren was on Tenors the entire season, they both did still end up going on a new journey..And both of them seemed to benefit and change, for the better thanks to those experiences..I think Matt's decision to move from "The Elite" section to what had become the weakest section at that point showed a lot about him and he gained a lot of respect, if not from any one else then certainly from me..I made sure to tell both he and Mike that I was grateful for what they had done and had gained respect for both of them because of the decision they made..Making that decision was the beginning of the maturation process for A.D.T. bear and was the beginning of some interesting times for Red Bear..
I don't think anybody knew what to expect that Sunday Afternoon when we were having the sectional..I know I hadn't a clue what to expect..Katie was gone so I knew it would be slightly more difficult to get Matt and Mike in with the 4/5 part missing. But we managed to somewhat pull it off. Like Britton said, that was the most notes the bassline had played all season..lol..That was another one of those proud moments for me..Hearing the runs somewhat pieced together, minus Mama Bears part..
Anyways..I think at this point Matt and I were still in the process of becoming closer friends..With the whole situation that had been going on during the winter and such(he knows what I'm talking about...in theory..if he remembers then he knows..and obviously my saying that means that no it's now what everybody is thinking it is..It was a very complicated situation)..so him becoming a part of our family kind of sped up the process tenfold..anywho..idk what I was talking about now..
Oh, right...So yeah..Matt was pretty much gonna be Drum Captain..Not that Darren couldn't do that job..Just that Matt had a lot more going for him at that point in time..
Mama Bear...not really much to say about her in regards to the season other than it was a very wild ride ;-)...lol...ok no more of that..lol..I remember quite a few times where we made the decision that the bassline would be just the two of us(during a sectional we actually started singing the song..it was pretty epic..lol..)..Getting to know Mama Bear during the season changed me a lot for the better..She's probably the only one that had a significant effect on me..I wasn't sure what to expect with having her on the bassline..My most prominent memory of her before the season was that day we went to the middle schools..that shit was funny dude..ridiculous middle schoolers laughing at the Guard..I half expected Katie to grab the kid and make him apologize..THAT would've been hilarious..anyways..All I really knew was that she was basically my chick counterpart..she was a hardass like me, worked her ass off like me, loved indoor like me, loved bass like me, and wanted us to be the best bassline like me..So basically she became the default 2nd in command..Hence her being Mama Bear.."First of all, yeah I am called mama bear, but that does not mean that I am their fucking mother, and have to clean up after them"..her exact words the night after the indoor practice that I wasn't there..lol..And that basically sums up how things were the entire season..her and her crazy awesomeness..It really brought in interesting element to counteract any and all insanity that manifested..Basically she's the one that kept the bassline happy..if not for her who knows how things may have gone during the season, especially when the bassline was scrapped and it was just the 3 of us..Mama Bear was the true essential cog in our entire operation..I take minimal credit in the success that we reached..Granted we could've been better, we got as far as we did as quickly as we did with the combination of she and I and our talented children..lol..

I miss Da Bears..I probably always will..To an extent I'm glad that I can't march anymore because I don't think any bassline could've topped that experience..sure it would've been sweet to have gotten to march Crown or OPT and play some killer licks and be badass..but no bassline will ever truly compare to Da Bears..and that's why they were, are, and always will be my family..

Da' Bears!!!

,Papa Bear
or Peanut Butter..lol..long story..

Kissing in the Rain

2009-03-15T16:13:00.004-04:00

I was gonna post the poem/song(Which Evenflow may or may not be using..we haven't decided yet..) that has that title..And then I thought about how that whole conversation with the Band, which led to the poem/song being written, came about..

We were talking about our shitty past relationships and how even though they ended so badly or were just bad in their entirety there were still some, while very rare, good moments in them..

Obviously the main one I spoke of during that conversation was Sarah..
That was the worst relationship I had ever been in..Well..not really the worst,for that has long since passed on to another..but it was definitely the 2nd or 3rd worst..

I suppose that I do owe it to the Sarah that she was during those few good moments to ,for the first time probably ever since we broke up, say something actually nice about her..Shocker I know..

The most prominent good memory that I have from us being together should be relatively obvious since it's the title of this blog, a poem, and song..

It was a Saturday in Fall of '05..during the 'good times'..back before the insanity began..or at least before I knew about said insanity..

We were supposed to be going to hang out with Nick, Sam, etc, etc..but we instead decided to abandon that plan and go to the movies and go somewhere to eat..It was raining, but it wasn't that bad so we decided to go anyways..we get out of the movie and it's starting to rain a little harder but still not all that bad..And then we go to Waffle House..For a while we were ok..We both love the rain so it wasn't that big of a deal..But then it started raining like hell..Like seriously it was ridiculous how hard it was raining..
So we decided to hang out there for a while cause we didn't want to go outside in the ridiculous downpour..We hung out there for like a hour or two and eventually the rain died down..it was still freakin' ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as before..
We decided to make a run for it to the car..
But I forgot how cold it gets sometimes when it rains..Almost instantly I like froze..My hands started going numb..It sucked..I tried to grab the keys out of my pocket..I kept trying and trying...and then realized that I didn't have them..Sarah did..
Luckily she was the smart one in the relationship and realized that as well and had the keys in her hand and was standing there giving me this "you are so special ed but I still love you" look..
But..apparently she wasn't too much smarter than me..she threw the keys..Me and my frozen hands muffed the catch..Normally that's ok though..just pick them up off of the ground right? Very very wrong..
The keys flew into the grass..which sucked bad enough cause they would be all wet and gross and covered in dirt and shit(literally..you never know where a dog or cat or deer may have shat at..)But that also sucked because it required us standing in the effin rain looking for them..
Well Sarah and I are idiots..so basically we decide to not look because we don't want to..that decision lasts for about a minute and then we realize we wanna go the fuck home..so we start looking..I tried to get her to wait and let me look cause I didn't want her to get sick from being in the rain..but she never listened to me so it's no surprise that she didn't listen to me that time..
Anyways..we're looking and after like 3 minutes(we're retarded, ok..give us a break)we find the keys..
We get to her house and we're about to go inside when the keys once again screw us..somehow her house key managed to disappear..idk how, but it did..
Anyways, she realizes that and tells me..after a second or two we just start laughing..So we're standing there on the porch talking and being our normal ridiculous selves..and then we get the idea to play in the rain..so we're running around in the rain and dancing and stuff and laughing and having fun..it was cute..lol..
anyways..we're having fun and such and enjoying being happy teenagers playing in the rain..and then it happened..
Ahe had been tickling me(..which was completely ineffective because I'm not at all ticklish..)and so I grabbed her hands..after pinning them against her side I made her promise to stop and she did..I should've known better..I let her hands go and she immediately went to try to tickle me again..Well I somehow managed to find a way to turn that into us hugging(I'm good like that..lol..)
I remember thinking about how happy I was and how much I loved being with her..I remember looking into her gorgeous brown eyes and losing myself in them..and then we kissed..and suddenly all those stupid movies and t.v. shows that have people kissing in the rain basically called my brain and said "hey now do you get why we do that?"..
and I did..I got it..I do get it..
That entire day was a great day but that one moment eclipsed everything else that happened that day..that one moment made me happy as all hell..And I think that was when my feelings for her went over the edge..
which turned out to be the worst thing ever..
But I still look to that day and that memory with an extreme fondness..I remember it as though it were yesterday..I doubt I'll ever forget it..I'll never forget how it felt, kissing her in the rain..

,Mazzus Keesaji

An Interesting Progression

2009-02-25T16:48:00.002-05:00

Idk what is wrong with me..For some reason this whole kid theme is popping up quite a bit this week..Don't look too much into it though cause I have no intent of ever having kids..that requires getting married which I'm not going to do..Hell, I don't even see dating being a part of my future..

...Anyways...

I find it interesting how life progresses..and how the role of a parent changes..

You start off as a little kid and you love and adore your parents and they mean everything to you..You have your friends, sure, but mom and dad are just the greatest people on the planet and the world revolves around them..

The, you get a little older and you start to get a bit further from that ideology..They are still awesome and mean a lot to you, but not as much..you have more friends now and you want to spend more time with them..You still cherish that time with your parents, but not as much..

By the time you're in middle school you really don't care..I mean your parents are there and you like that, but you insist you'd be ok without them..It's great having them around, cause without them you'd starve and be bored out of your everlovingmind..but other than that, they serve little to no purpose..You don't mind them being around, but you don't want your friends to know they exist..it's kind of like they're a secret..

High School..A parent's worst nightmare..If your parents ever even think about showing their faces anywhere near you, your friends, the school, the mall, or any place that you might be anywhere near then you will kill them..They will never forget the day that they interfered in your personal life..to the parents "I hate you" will never hurt more unless it's coming from their spouse..And we all know that..and we use and abuse that power like it's a t.v. remote..parents are good for 2 things: money and a car..that's it..

Eventually we reach a point where they become just random people that we call every once in a blue moon to make sure they're alive..
Outwardly it seems as though their importance to us has dwindled to nothing..But everybody knows that that love that we had for our parents when we were but wee tots wi8ll never fade and will always be there on the inside..
..Even if we hate them..

Take House for example..He had the utmost hatred for his dad..and that is what drove him to be such a great doctor..he didn't love his dad outwardly, but his desire to finally make him happy is what made House become the person he is..Although that person is "flawed"..

The only thing worse than not being good enough for somebody you want to be with is not being good enough for our parents..Them not having faith in you, or trusting you, or being willing to go out on a limb and help you..that kills..That can cause greater damage than any stupid bully..

...That's probably what happened to me Junior year...
I think that's why I made the official decision to go after music completely..to prove him wrong..

a child's love for their parents can change drastically in any amount of time..
Outwardly the feeling may be completely different than it is inwardly..

I know some people who actually despise their parents but pretend to love them..

The point of all of this is..absolutely nothing..just me rambling on about nothing because I felt the need to do so because it was bothering me that I kept thinking about it..so hopefully writing this will get it out of my mind..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Happy Birthday my bastard child

2009-02-24T08:46:00.002-05:00

First and foremost, I do not have a kid. You'll understand the reason for that title once you read this(don't judge a book by it's cover...or really odd title..)

A millennium ago, and by that I mean 3-ish years ago,there was this incredibly painful period of time during which I suffered through possibly the worst relationship in existence. And that led to another, and then back to where I was before that, and then to an extreme bout of depression..All of this played through to the summer..
While, this particular incident didn't truly lead to the end, it did lead to a beginning..a birth if you will..But, obviously, I didn't want this fuckin kid..I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the sonbitch..But I was stuck with it..
Sarah StupidBitchWhore(..you know it's true cause I said it and I refrain from calling girls that unless it's the absolute truth..and yes that's her last name..) left me with the evil kid known as 'heartbreakdepression nevergoingtobeabletotrustanybodyeverevereveragainunlesstheyfightlikehellforsaidtrust'
And that kid has been latched onto me sucking the life out of me ever since that day..I had hoped by now that I'd have found something to get it off of me..to get the kid to stop sucking the life out of me..I tried everything..I literally tried to kill myself just so that sonbitch couldn't..(although if you truly look at it, it was infact said sonbitch that almost killed me..maybe I'm not truly suicidal afterall..perhaps it is said evil sonbitch that is killing me..)
Sarah led to Sara who led back to Sarah who led me to the realization that I was right(yet incredibly wrong..but not really..it's complicated..)back in the end months of the year prior and months before and after..(although Lisa and her damn boat blew that theory...hahahahahaha(premature laugh..it's just that funny)...blew that theory out of the water..hahahahahaha(now you see why I was laughing..boat blew the theory out of the water..lol..that's funny and you know it..fuck you for not laughing you asswhipesonbitch)
So I leave having not a damn clue of what the hell is going on anymore..
Intro the 5 blue-eyed ones..(goddamn eyes..that's my weakness..and in old school TJ fashion 2 of the 5 actually have brown eyes..But it's easier to group the 5 together because the order they came in doesn't work for the grouping of 3 blues and 2 browns..so just go with it dammit..)Upon Travis coaxing me out of pursuit of one of the blues and one of the browns, another blue enters the fray(speaking of which, I'm addicted to their new CD..Absoulte is my favorite song, but the entire CD is just kickass)as do 3 greens(one of which is actually brown..whatthefuck..but I'm a lazy bastard and like majority rule when it comes to chronologically placing things/people..so gethefuckoverit)..We all know hos this one ends..Throught the entire story it's always been about that one blue and that one brown..Kara, Sam, Kara again, and Sam again were my pitiful attempts at trying to project my feelings onto someone else to try to prevent exactly what happened anyways..

All of that shit started 3 years ago today..3 years ago today..so happy birthday to my dear bastard child..I still hate you, just as much as I hate your mother..
I'm fighting a losing battle..that much has become clear..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Bloody Rose Pt. III: Ch. 1 - Why Are You Here?

2009-02-17T20:27:00.005-05:00

As we lay there together I began to think about quite a few things. Amber could sense this, having been together for nearly 3 years. She asked what was on my mind. I smiled, kissed her on her forehead and simply said, “You.” She smiled and blushed. “You’re so cute.” She said as she snuggled closer to me. “What about me?” She asked. “Remember the first time we met?” I asked her. Of course she did. It wasn’t anything all that special, but what came from it certainly was.

It all started off with a simple question

“Are you an Evanescence fan or do you just like looking at Amy Lee because she’s pretty?” I smirked when I heard this question coming from the unknown voice. “What if I say both?” I asked with a smirk. “That’s fine with me. It means you have good taste in music and in women.” She said as she came into my peripheral. It was like I was still looking at my laptop’s background. She was incredibly beautiful. She had a beautiful figure, gorgeous green eyes, long black hair, and soft skin. She was almost a spitting image of Amy Lee. “Well I’m glad you think so. So are you her long lost twin or did you dye your hair and buy contacts?” I asked her as I looked directly into her eyes. She smiled. “You caught me. The hair is dyed. These are all mine though. “She pointed at her eyes as she said this. “Well lucky you. I guess since you’re only half a liar I can still talk to you.” We both laughed as she sat down. It was strange. Most people here seemed to avoid contact with me at all costs. I wasn’t complaining though. I enjoyed being left alone. It made life easier for me. Not having to trust anyone again or let them in. Yet, for some reason, I felt as though I had already known this girl whom I was certain that I had never met before. “Nice to meet you. Amber.” She extended her hand. “Well, sorry to disappoint you but I’m not Amber. I’m T.J.” We both laughed. “I meant my name is Amber. But I assume you knew what I meant, but decided to make a joke anyways. That makes you a jerk.” She smirked. “Well in that case, it’s nice to meet you Amber. I’m T.J. And I’m not a jerk. If anything I am half of one. And since you are half a liar and I forgave you for that we’re even.” She had such a beautiful smile. But then again everything about her was beautiful. She was absolutely stunning.
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone waving at me. I looked up. It was Chase. I then remembered that we had scheduled studio time for an hour from now. But, for some reason, I was compelled to stay and keep talking to Amber. I waved him off. He understood immediately and walked away.
“What was that all about?” Amber asked. Normally I would just say something like, ‘oh nothing. Just some stuff he and I need to do later.’ But that’s not what I said. Instead I opened my mouth and, as I would discover a while down the road, my heart. “Chase and I have a group together. And we got some studio time for later on today. He was just reminding me.” I smiled. Inside I was screaming at myself. ‘What the hell are you doing? This is a BAD IDEA!!’ “So you’re in a band? Are you the drummer?” She asked as she looked at the bag of drumsticks and keyboard mallets I had laying on the table next to my laptop. “Not a drummer. A percussionist.” I quickly retorted. I hated being called a drummer. To me, it was an insult. Drummers had such limited musical capabilities. Their vocabularies left a lot to be desired as well. “What does wanting everything to be perfect have to do with the instrument you play?” She asked in a half confused voice. I smiled at her ‘innocence’. “Not perfectionist, percussionist. Although when it comes to my craft I do like for things to be perfect.” “Your craft?” “Music. It’s my craft. It’s my art. It’s my world. Music is what I do. It’s who I am. It’s made me into who I am, as have I made it into what I desire it to be.” I stopped. ‘Ok so maybe this was a bad idea. I’m saying too much already.’ “That’s pretty interesting. So what is the difference between being a...” “Drummers are idiots. They have extremely limited musical skills and vocabularies. They do one thing and that’s all they can do. Percussionists, such as myself, can play more than one instrument in the family. I can drum just as well as any of the others, but none of them can touch my capabilities on Marimba. That is where I am most at home. Behind a Marimba I’m practically immortal. That is the one place where I am at my strongest while at the same time my most vulnerable. When I’m playing Marimba, that’s when I am able to be completely true to myself. That’s where I am the most susceptible to being read by someone, but no one tries it because they are too captivated by what they are seeing. The guys have a joke that the only time I ever smile is when I’m playing because that is the only time that I’m truly happy.” Again, I stopped. ‘Ok. This is starting to scare me a bit.’ The look on her face was one of slight amusement. “So what about right now? You’ve been smiling the entire time. Does that mean talking to me makes you truly happy?”
She asked me a question that I knew the answer to without even having to think about it. ‘Yes. It does make me happy.’ But I couldn’t tell her that. I had just met her. It would freak her out. I couldn’t risk doing that and scaring her off. I enjoyed talking to her. I had just met her and already I felt like I had known her for quite some time. I couldn’t tell her that. But I couldn’t lie either. So I did the only thing I knew I could do. “I don’t know for sure yet. How about we talk again a few more times and I’ll let you know.” I basically asked her out. She smiled. “That sounds like a wonderful idea to me.” I smiled. On the inside I was exploding with joy. And fear. This feeling was all too familiar to us. Rachel, Brittany, Katie. This happened with all three of them. And we see how that turned out. But maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. We can only hope. We set up a 'date', talked for a few more minutes, and then parted ways. She went home, and I went to the studio. Chase had no doubt told the guys about seeing me with her. I knew I would have some questions to answer.

“I don’t think you ever actually did answer my question from that day.” Amber said as she looked into my eyes. I smiled. “Of course talking to you makes me happy. Completely, truly, 100% happy. I couldn’t be any happier than I am when I’m with you.” She blushed. “I love you.” She said. She had a gentle look in her eyes. As did I. “I love you too. Always will, no matter what.” We kissed.

“So bro, you gonna tell us about her or what?” Jason asked. As I expected, Chase told everybody about her.”I’d rather not or at least not now. We need to use this studio time to get some recording done. The show is next weekend and we need to have the demo done by then.” I said. I also didn’t want to tell them because I knew they would ask if I liked her. And I didn’t want to have to admit that I did. Not yet. It was too soon. I needed to make absolutely sure. Although, my heart seemed pretty damn sure of that when we were talking to her. “Yes Sir Mr. Boss sir.” Alex said with a smirk. After he said this, we set-up our equipment and then started warming-up. After about 5 minutes of warming-up we took a break. “So when should we expect a new song?” Jason looked at me and smiled as he asked this question. “We don’t need anymore songs. We already have the demo set-list and we have enough songs for an LP if we get lucky.” I was a bit confused as to why he would ask this because Jason was the one who always insisted that we had too many songs. “Well, usually when you find a girl we end up with at least two new songs. So I’m just wondering when we will end up with the new songs so I can get ready to push some of that useless Math stuff out of my mind.” The entire band laughed. “Jason, you are an idiot. And we don’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t find a new girl.” “Really? Are you going to see her again?” Drew asked “Let’s assume that I said yes to that question.” “You found a new girl. Or you’re in the process of finding a new girl. Either way, we are going to end up with more songs. So, what’s her name?” Alex asked. “Her name is ‘let’s stop wasting this studio time.’ Guys seriously, we need to get this recorded. We won’t be able to get any more time for at least 2 weeks.” “Whoa what? I thought that Mike said we could use this place anytime as long as we let him know so he could set up the recording equipment.” Chase had a half puzzled, half pissed off look on his face as he said this. “Relax man. It’s not that he’s kicking us out. He and Doc Wilson are going on a vacation together. And they are going to be gone for like two weeks. So we won’t be able to get in here anytime during the two weeks. So we need to use as much of this time as we can, just in case. Chase tended to have somewhat of a short fuse. A lot like me. That was just one of a plethora of things that made us best friends. We were so much alike it was almost eerie.
We met freshman year in Jazz Band. Neither of us liked being there. It wasn’t that we didn’t like playing in the band. We just didn’t like playing in the band with the people that we had to play with. We got pretty close with each other, at first out of necessity, but then because we discovered we were able to tolerate each other. That’s also how our band was born. Alex and I were close way before college. We’ve been playing together since Middle School. We marched in high School together, played in ever band the school had. Evenflow was our brain child from sophomore year. Ever since then we’ve been planning for the future of our band. We had a few instances where we almost made it, but we chose not to because the band was having some problems working together. Freshman year of college we decided that we would try to get the band together again. I introduced Chase and Alex a while after that idea came about. The three of us shopped around looking for members to join. Drew was the first one that we found. At first Alex didn’t want him to join, but we convinced him otherwise once we realized that there weren’t too many vocalists like Drew around here. Then came Jason, our Rhythm/Lead Guitarist. At first he and Alex didn’t get along because they fought over the Lead part every chance they had. But once we realized that Jason was able to play Rhythm and after the two agreed to split the Lead part things calmed down a bit. Only for a short time though. Ashley, our back-up vocalist, found us in a very interesting manner. She is the younger sister of my ex-girlfriend Rachel. When Rachel and I were dating, Evenflow was in the process of still crawling, so to speak. It was just the four of us. We had no actual songs, no studio, or anything else that we needed. Jason and Chase weren’t even sold on the name for the band yet. One night, while Rachel was hanging with the band, Ash showed up yelling about her shampoo being gone because Rachel used it. We tried to keep playing so that we could ignore them and let them have their sisterly quarrel. But Ashley didn’t seem too keen on that idea. So she decided to interrupt us and make a bit of a scene. She shoved Drew out of the way and started singing some random song that apparently annoyed Rachel. I was too captivated by her voice to be able to say anything that would make her stop. The next day she becomes our back-up singer. That’s where we stand today. Last year we won the school’s BotB, the county BotB and we got 2nd in the state BotB. So, needless to say, the entire state knows who we are. Except for a few people…like Amber…She seemed to have no idea who I was. It was a bit exhilarating to have the feeling of getting to know someone without them already knowing who you are. I sort of missed that experience.

“Ok so what’s the plan for next weekend? If we won’t have studio time then how are we going to get some jam time in before the show?” Leave it to Ashley to worry about stuff like that. “No worries. I have it taken care of. I will explain it after we finish up here. So, if you guys are done wasting this time, I’d like to at least make it through one song.” They all rolled their eyes, but inside they were laughing. This is how our band does things. We aren’t like any other. And we like it that way.
We played for a few hours, packed everything up, grabbed our tapes and bolted for the night.

“Remember that night, before graduation?” I asked Amber. She smiled. “Of course I do. How could I forget it? It was so amazing. You were so cute back then.” “Oh, but I’m not cute now? No wonder you spend more time with Zach than with me.” “Oh don’t be jealous. He just needs a lot of love and affection. Isn’t that right Zachy-Boy.” Amber looked at the foot of the bed at our dog. His ears perked up when she said his name.

“So what’s this I hear about you having a new girl?” Mike asked with a bit of a smile. “How did you hear about that?” I asked. I had a feeling I already knew the answer to that question but I needed to be sure before I called Ashley and yelled at her. “You guys still have to learn about the equipment kid. The tapes were recording the entire time you guys were in the room.” “Oh. Well I’ll keep that in mind the next time we are there and decide to talk about you.” “That might be a good idea. So who is she? She better not be another one of my nieces.”
Mike and I met through Rachel and Ashley. While I was dating Rachel I had met him at a family cook-out that she invited me to. I met him a few more times after that when Rachel and I were together. And then, when Ashley joined the band, she introduced us and asked him if we could use his studio. He assumed that she and I were dating. So while he was talking to me about using the studio he kept mentioning how pissed off he would be if I hurt Ashley because of what had happened before between Rachel and I. Even since then he’s been joking about my being in love with his family and wanting him to be my Uncle, hence dating his nieces.
“No worries Mike. She’s not related to you. Her name is Amber. I don’t know all that much about her except for what I’ve heard from others. She’s apparently insanely smart. She has like a 4.0 and has had that ever since freshman year of high school. And she’s on the dance team. I think she’s the Co-Captain or something like that. And she’s gorgeous Mike. You should see her.” “I think I have. I think I’ve even met her before. In fact I think I know her family as well.” “Really? How? I know anybody that she’s related to?” “Yeah you might. She has a little brother named Alex. You might know him. He plays Lead in this band called Evenflow.” I had a somewhat shocked look on my face. I was hoping that he was kidding, but something told me that he wasn’t. But, just to make sure, I decided to ask him. “Are you serious? That pretty much sucks. Good thing I didn’t tell the guys her name.” I sighed. This was going to be an interesting talk once I did tell them. “You just better hope she doesn’t tell Alex about you. Since they are siblings I would imagine they live together. So you might come up in conversation at some point.” Mike patted me on the back as he said this. Way to make me feel better Mike.

“Alright so far we have 13. If that’s ok with you guys then we can just settle with those and work on mixing them and get them perfected. What do you think?” Every other Friday the band would meet in the Café and talk about what we were going to do. We would have a ‘progress report’ on how everything is going and we would pick a set list if we had a show coming up. “I think 13 is fine. I vote we just work on those.” Jason said. Of course Jason didn’t want more songs. “Of course you would say that Jason.” Chase said almost instantly, as though he were reading my mind. “I think we need more. We’re planning on having 5 for the demo right? So that means we only have 8. Maybe 9 because we will no doubt end up with a most popular song from the demo and will need to add it to the LP. I think we need a few more songs.” “Well, how many are we planning on putting on the LP?” “I don’t know. You’re the boss. It’s up to you.” “I don’t either. I just know that we need more than 9.” Ok so it’s settled. We are going to have more than 9 songs. That means we need to get more songs than we have right now.” As I was talking I could tell the guys weren’t paying attention. They were looking at something that was behind me. Everybody but Alex had that ‘holy shit you are hot’ look on their face so I knew it was a girl. And Alex’s lack of ‘excitement’ tipped me off to who it might be. “Hey T.J! Is this the band you were telling me about?” Shit. I was right. It’s Amber. Well, so much for keeping this a secret from Alex. “Hey Amber. Yeah this is the band. Guys, and girl, this is Amber. Amber, this is Evenflow.” I tried to avoid eye contact with Alex for fear of getting the death stare. “Can you give us like 5 minutes? We’re just talking about some plans for the show next weekend.” I panicked. I didn’t know what else to do. I figured this way Alex and I can talk and get this out of the way now. Now that he knows it’s probably best not to avoid the talk we are going to end up having. “Sure, no problem.” She smiled as she said this. As she walked away I turned my attention back to the band.
“Of all the people to be dating.” Ashley said. “We’re not dating. We just met yesterday. And what’s that supposed to mean?” “Yeah Ash. What is that supposed to mean?” Alex asked in a joking manner. Huge sigh of relief. He doesn’t seem pissed off. “No offense to you Alex. I just meant that him dating your sister of all people. Trying to start a war in the band T.J?” Ashley looked from me to Alex and back to me. “I’m not trying to start anything. And we’re not dating!” I was starting to get a bit annoyed by them saying that. I had a very short temper when it came to this kind of stuff. Well, really, I just had a short temper in general. “Why are you getting so defensive? Would it really be that bad of a thing to be dating Amber?” Jason said in a somewhat condescending tone. “Yeah T.J. Why are you getting so defensive?” Alex looked at me. “I’m not being…” I paused. I looked at Chase. If I would be able to read any of them it would be him. “I hate you guys so much. Now that ya’ll are done pestering me can we finish up here?” I could tell that they had planned this. Chase sucks at lying. That’s probably why he hadn’t said anything yet. “Just don’t give me a reason to hate you like all of her ex-boyfriends ok?” Alex said as he looked at me. “Sure thing. Now back to the show next weekend. We’re playing...?” I looked at all of them as I half asked. “We have to play ‘The Ascent’. It’s our best song. I don’t care about anything else. But we HAVE to play ‘The Ascent’.” Of course Chase wanted to play ‘The Ascent’. He and I worked on that song like crazy. It was our secret project at first. We didn’t even tell Alex about it. Once we told them about the song they immediately fell in love with it. Something about that song…It’s hard to explain. But that song has become the favorite of the entire band. And most of our fans have mentioned it being their favorite song. “Agreed. That’s a given though. We will always play ‘The Ascent’. What else though? We can’t just play one song.” “I think we should play ‘Prove It’. Just to show our flexibility. Show we can hit both ends of the spectrum.” Jason said. “Yeah I agree. Since we’re playing ‘Ascent’ we have to show that we’re not just one dimensional. We can play ‘Prove It’ as the opener, then ‘Ascent’ to close it out.” Ashley always agreed with Jason. We finished talking about the show and then the band left.
I looked over to see Amber talking to Taylor, one of the girls on the dance team. She had such a pretty smile. She had such a pretty everything. It was seemingly impossible for me to take my eyes off of her. She looked at me and smiled. ‘Seriously, this is a bad idea. Need I remind you of what happened last time? You really want to risk that happening again?’ Yes…Yes I do. I want to risk it.
She smiled as she sat down. “So I’m guessing you talked to your brother last night?” I asked with a smile. “I swear I didn’t know that you two were in the band together. He never told me the name of the band and I haven’t been to any shows and none of my friends go to local concerts. He didn’t make a big deal out of it did he? I’m so sorry.” “No it’s fine. He didn’t do anything. They all just joked around with me about it. It’s ok though. I just had to promise not to make him hate me like he does your ex-boyfriends.” “Oh well that’s good I guess.” She laughed gently.
“So, I have a question for you.” “Ok, go ahead.” “Why are you here?” Well that was blunt. “I mean, why are you here at this school? You could’ve gone to Yale or some huge school for geniuses like yourself. How did you end up coming here?” I tried not to seem like a jerk. I assumed that she had been asked that question at least a million times since her first day here. “I just didn’t want to go to one of those schools. Georgia is home to me. I never want to leave this place, at least not until I’m ready to. And I just wasn’t ready yet. What about you? I heard you got a music scholarship from some huge school in like Texas or something. Why are you here?” I was still astonished at the answer that she had given. Not because it was surprising…”Georgia is home to me. I couldn’t leave here again. I realized that I needed to come home because this is where I belonged. I didn’t realize it until it was too late so I wound up coming here.”…But because it was exactly the same as mine. “So I guess neither of us is living up to our true potential because we don’t want to leave home. That’s interesting.” “Yeah I guess it is. So you’ve really never been to any of our shows?” I was still in disbelief. “I really haven’t. But maybe I’ll come see you guys next weekend. It’s one of our few free weekends from Dance Team because Coach Wilson is going on vacation for like 2 weeks or something.” “Sounds good to me. I think you’ll like the show, or at least the end of it. I don’t know what the rest of the bands are doing. But we kick ass so we’re probably going to rock the house as usual.” It’s a good thing I don’t have that big of an ego. This probably won’t be good. “You must have a lot of faith in the rest of the band to be able to make such a big proclamation.” This has got to be the strangest day ever. First Alex isn’t pissed that I didn’t tell him about me and his sister, although there isn’t really anything to tell. And now Amber is finding the positives in my weirdness. I smiled as I looked at her. It was the only thing I knew to do when I was around her. I couldn’t help but smile every time that I saw her. “So what’s it like, being in a band?” Her curiosity always amused me. “It’s pretty fun, especially with those guys. We always seem to make things rather interesting, no matter what we’re doing. Even when we’re just sitting around thinking of song ideas we manage to have a ton of fun. And when we get out on stage and are performing it’s so intense. I love being out there with those guys. I don’t think I’d want to be playing with anybody else.” I meant every word of that too. I loved the band. They were like my family. I couldn’t picture myself playing with anybody else, except maybe Amy Lee or Shinedown. Amber smiled as she listened to me. It was one of those ‘awww that’s so cute’ smiles. “Well no wonder my little brother respects you so much. You are a really good guy T.J.”

“Whatever happened to that bear that I gave you for our one year?” I asked Amber as I watched her playing with Zach, our Dachshund. “I don’t remember. I do remember having him that year that you were gone on tour with Chase and Alex.” After Evenflow made it into the mainstream Alex, Chase and I decided to make our own side project. We created a percussion group, ‘The Red Eagles’, and went on tour for a year while Evenflow took a break to work on our 3rd album. “Oh yeah, I remember those days. That was a pretty awesome year. I missed you, but that was such a kick ass tour.” I smiled as I began to reminisce and think about all of the fun the three of us had on tour that year. “I missed you too. That’s why I kept the bear with me. But after you got back he disappeared. I remember having him the night that you came back but after that I don’t remember seeing him again. I have no idea what happened to him. Why do you want to know?” She continued to rub Zach’s head as she looked at me with a look of curiosity. “For some reason I was thinking about that weekend when I gave it to you.” I smiled as I said this. That was an interesting weekend. We both had finals the entire week and hadn’t seen each other at all. We had planned to go out to eat Saturday night. I told her I couldn’t make it because I had some extra work to do with Mr. Carrens (the band director at W.G.S.U.). She was really upset about it. She went back to her apartment, where I was waiting for her with the bear, a bunch of Roses, her favorite movie, and a dinner I had cooked for her. She swears it was the cutest thing I had ever done for her.

We spent another hour or so talking. We were starting to connect. It was nice, getting to connect with someone again. I hadn’t done it in so long I had almost forgotten what it was like. But then again, I did that on purpose. I didn’t miss connecting with people. I was so used to distrusting people after everything that had happened with…Let’s not talk about that. Bringing up the past ruins the present. That’s why I finally decided to forget about her and move on. And I’m starting to like that decision more and more. That’s probably because now I’m starting to like Amber more and more.
“Well this sucks.” “What does?” I had a look of confusion on my face as I looked at Amber. “I have to go to class now.” She frowned as she said this. “Well I don’t have to go to class for a while so I guess I could use my spare time to walk you to class.” I smiled as I said this. “That would be so gracious of you to willingly spend your free time with me. I would be so honored.” She smiled as she said this with a sarcastic tone. “The honor would be mine, my dear. I’d be more than happy to grace you with my presence and let you show me off to all of your friends and the people you don’t know in your classes.”
My only complaint was that the walk wasn’t longer. I didn’t notice the books weighing a ton or the pain in my knee. I was too busy noticing how, when she was intrigued by something, Amber would become extremely scholarly and ask a million questions until she knew everything she possibly could about whatever it was that had her interested. I was also too captivated by her absolute beauty. I figured that since it was only the second time I had ever met her it wasn’t too much of a surprise that I was still overwhelmed by her beauty. I hoped that eventually that shock would wear-off. It never did.
“So I guess if I don’t see you anytime soon I’ll definitely see you next weekend?” I asked Amber as I set her books down onto her desk. “Well hopefully it won’t be that long before we see each other. If you aren’t too busy maybe we can hang out this weekend?” Amber half asked. We both smiled.

We decided to take Zach for a walk.
It was normal for us to take walks this late at night. Between the three albums with Evenflow, the two with Red Eagles, and Amber’s two solo albums, we were basically being watched 24/7. We’ve hated it since day one, but we’ve gotten somewhat accustomed to it. Some things we have just stopped doing all together. Others, like our walks, we have continued doing but less often and usually late at night. We expected the celebrity status to come along with the music, but it seems like we suddenly became the world’s obsession practically overnight. The rest of the band loved it, especially Drew. But Amber and I hated it.
“Have you heard from the rest of the band about who all is coming to the party?” Amber asked me. “I’ve heard from everybody except Jason. I believe he is still in Hawaii with Sarah. Everyone said they will be able to make it. And apparently your brother is going to be bringing his new girlfriend.” “He has a new one already? What happened to Heather? I liked her.” “That’s exactly why he broke up with her. He said she was too much like you and it would be awkward being with someone who reminded him of his sister.” I smirked as I said this. Amber scoffed. “At the rate he’s going that boy will be lucky to have somebody as normal as I am. So far he’s gone from bad to worse, except when he broke up with that stripper and started dating Heather. That’s the only good idea he’s ever had. Excluding the band, of course.” “Well, the band was more so my idea. He and Chase were just helping me with the details.” We both laughed. As we continued walking we noticed a few flashes in the distance. “So much for privacy. I guess we’re going to have to find a new time for our walks.” I had a tone of slight disappointment and annoyance in my voice.
Damn obsessive morons. I couldn’t stand being watched like this. It was extremely annoying. It was the worst part about the fame that came along with the band. Well, that and the rumors. All of the rumors drove me absolutely insane. That was part of why the band took a break after releasing our second album and touring for a few months. Originally we all decided to just fall off the grid for a while. Come back home, relax, and try to be as much of a non-celebrity as we possibly could be. But then Alex, Chase, and I decided to work on our side project. We figured it wouldn’t get as much buzz as the band, but we were incredibly wrong. The media just wanted something to obsess over, even if they didn’t understand its purpose.

“So now what? You guys going on a date or are you just hanging out and being ‘friends’?” Chase asked. I wasn’t too sure of what was happening myself. “I’ll let you know when I find out myself. Neither of us mentioned the word ‘date’ when we were talking. We’ve only known each other for 2 days. So I guess we’ll just see how things go tomorrow and then I’ll let you know.”

Bloody Rose Part III: the explanationsummaryjawnthingamabob..

2009-02-17T19:14:00.003-05:00

Ok, first a bit of an explanation in order to avoid some extreme confusion..
The entire bloody rose thrilogy(yes It's supposed to be thrill, not tril..lol..It wasn't my idea..blame Kara..the real one, not the one in BR Pt. I..) is, for the most part, loosely based off of real stuff that has happened to me..
Of course, I made it more interesting in order to..well, make it more interesting..

But, unlike the other two, BR Pt. III is a lot more fiction..I and II are probably 49/51..III, on the other hand, is probably 35/65 or somewhere in that vicinity..
The former is reality, the latter is fiction, just in case you weren't able to decipher that for yourself..

Part III all stemmed from a dream I had..While driving back to Georgia from Florida I was thinking about the dream and realized that it had an interesting idea behind it..And I decided to see what I could make out of that dream..Thus was born BR Pt. III

This is also the first time I've actually used my name in this series..The only other time I've done that was the Z Series..And that actually added an interesting element to the story because I was allowed to even further project myself into it because it basically is me..
...That probably made absolutely no sense..

Basically it's about me, and Evenflow..Yes that is my band..Oddly enough the band existed in fiction before it did in reality..lol..
I did something that I had not done before in any of my stories..
There's an interesting element that some stories have that I've always found interesting..What I did was make the 'past' and 'present' intertwine with one another..It's hard to explain, but once you read it you'll see what I mean..

SO, I'm gonna change like 2 or 3 things and then post the story..and possibly one or two others so be prepared..and hopefully enjoy..

,Mazzus Keesaji

...Because always actually means something to me...

2009-02-17T01:48:00.003-05:00

To an extent, I've obtained a certain level of understanding
I've obtained a level of..idk how to put it..
The things that were once un-real to me and so difficult to comprehend now make at least a little more sense..

But one thing that will never make any sense at all to me is this:what happened to always?

I could've sworn that always meant always..which is an synonym for forever..

So why is it that you have hauled ass now..I'm pretty sure you said always, forever, or something along those lines quite a few times..

I suppose that's why this actually hurts so much..in the end it has nothing to do with the why or anything like that..all of those broken promises..all of those lies..that's what is killing me more than anything else..
Having faith in you..trusting you..believing everything you said..
That was obviously a horrible idea on my part..
But, according to literally EVERYBODY, you were a horrible idea..

Unlike you, I unfortunately meant it all of those times that I said always..So now I'm stuck..
When I said I'd always love you, no matter what, I meant it..and when you said the same I expected the same from you..
This is part of why losing you hurts as much as it does..
Because always actually means something to me..
Just like YOU will ALWAYS mean something to me..

And this pain is precisely why I don't make promises I know I can't keep or don't intend to keep..
I know how annoying it can be and, in some situations, how painful that broken promise can be..

But the promises that I do make can and will be kept..especially now..
I've twice been hurt by the broken promise of 'always'..never again..
And I now have an even greater desire to keep the promises that I have made and will make..

I'll make sure that if I ever do say 'always' to someone again that I will mean it and will keep that promise..but this time, I'll be slightly more wary if they choose to say the same..
It's not fair to them..but after all this time of caring what's fair to others and not myself I think it's time I stopped giving a rats ass..

I did, do and always will love you..because I promised you I would..
You may have broken the promises you made to be, but I won't break the ones I made to you, or anybody..ever..

That, is a promise..

,Wabashii Ookami
Mazzus Keesaji

Wabashii Ookami & Gaara of the Sand

2009-02-15T15:58:00.003-05:00

Love?

I stole my mothers life at birth
and as Kazekage's son
I was over-protected, spoiled and left alone
I thought that was love

Until that accident happened

These past six years..
my father tried to assassinate me several times
So why do I exist and live?
I asked myself that question
but could not find an answer

But I need those reasons while I am still alive!
Or it would be the same as being dead
And this is what I concluded:

I exist to kill everyone other than me
I fight only for myself
and I only love myself
As long as there are people to kill in this world
To make me experience the joy of living
My existence will remain

Couldn't have said it better myself
That's why I like Gaara. We're the same animal
Except for the whole killing thing
The dark intentions are there though. or were there for him
And it's more killing myself than others
..although that could cause others to kill themselves..but then again, I doubt nebody cares abt me that much
So yeah, just killing myself

The beast that Gaara was..the beast I am

His antidote was the desire to repent and live for others instead of to kill others
My antidote?
...I have no clue...

,Wabashii Ookami
Mazzus Keesaji
and
Gaara of the Sand

...A Moment of Clarity..

2009-02-15T15:18:00.002-05:00

28 Dec 07 Friday

change of heart

When All Else Fails...Change ur mind. Ive decided that im done. No more wallowing in self pity. No more wah wah bullshit. Im done. Life isnt abt living your dreams and having tunnel vision. Its abt taking what ur given and makin somethin good out of it. It took me falling in love with a girl that i can never have to realize that. So no more of this 'i cant have what i want so i hate life' or 'why am i the lab rat' Bs. Im just gonna live and deal with what im given. thats my nyr. Real Blog Comin Later.
WA MK

Wow..That is definitely unlike me..That single moment of clarity that lasted..not very long at all..January 6th was my recession..but hey that's not too bad considering this is me we're talking about..

Kinda makes you wonder if there is actually a sane person inside here..

...
...
...
nah I don't think so..

That was probably just me in a drunken stupor..but........what if it wasn't..what if..

well..either way I kinda owe Liz, Nicole, and Sarah an apology for getting their hopes up like that..But hey at least I was sane for a few days..that's better than nothin right..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Deja Vu

2009-02-11T22:39:00.002-05:00

For the past few weeks I've had this sick feeling like I'm doing life all over again..

And I realized why I feel that way..

goddamn Deja Vu..I've been having it for the past few weeks..
Back in December and January I had these weird half day dream/vision things..and as it turns out those weird half day dream/vision things were fuckin Deja Vu..

In case you couldn't tell I hate Deja Vu..It's just annoying as all hell

Fuck Deja Vu..
I hate Deja Vu..
It's dumb..

That's my 2 second rant for the night..

homework, sleep, class at fucking 6:30am(godfuckingdamnthisduckingshit..although there are 2 people who make it well worth waking up that early..but still..whatthefuck)

,a very annoyed by the existence of Deja Vu
Mazzus Keesaji

All I Ever Wanted

2009-02-10T22:14:00.003-05:00

There are two reason's I chose 'All I Ever Wanted' as the title of this blog..both of which are easily understood if you don't read too much into the title..And if you know the Shinedown song of the same name..

There are now two dreams that I've always held onto in my life and still hold onto to day in the hopes that they will become reality. The first is the obvious..To be a drumline tech/band director..It's always been my dream to get to teach so that I can help kids the way I was helped..Although I hope and pray there will never be anyone like me, in terms of the hell they've been through and the incredible mental instability, I want to be able to do for that kid what music and the tech's I've had have done for me.
Music means everything to me. It is basically who I am now. It's my life. Without it I basically am nothing more than some weird guy that hates people.

My second dream is somewhat less known, although it actually has been broadcast nearly as much as my first. I want to be an author. I want to get one of my plethora of stories published and then get another published and another and another and so one and so forth..I've been writing longer than I've been playing music. I've always had a somewhat repressed creative side. Freshman and Sophomore year's of high school I basically abandoned that dream and focused solely on music because I felt that I would not be able to follow my dream of being an author so I went with what I felt I would be more successful at. But I started to miss it. Junior year I started writing again. Senior year I stopped again. Last summer I started writing again after I realized that I could, instead of separating the two, combine my two dreams and write about music. Thus was born BRPt. III, Blue, and Red Devils.
I've always wanted to be a writer, and I've always wanted to teach. Those are my two dreams that I'm going to hold on to. I let go of one dream, but I'm never letting go of these two..

'All I ever wanted
Was a place to call my home
To shelter me when I am there
And to miss me when I'm gone
All I ever wanted
Was a place to call my own
Where the stars will dance and the stars still shine
And the storms feel free to roam'

For about 7 years now, I've called Georgia home. That includes the two years I spent in Jersey. Any of them will tell you that I love Georgia and missed it and couldn't wait to come back.
But that's not what the song says..
'And to miss me when I'm gone'
not the other way around..

When I first left Georgia there were about a handful of people who missed me and at least tried to talk to me..But that faded over time..
We're about a month away from hitting that point at which the fade began for Georgia..so soon we'll see just how similar the two instances(leaving here v. leaving Jersey) are..
,Mazzus Keesaji

You're Listening to a Dream..In Memory

2009-02-10T11:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a very odd dream..Although it wasn't really odd as much as it was..idk how to explain it..
Hopefully I'll be able to do my dream analysis later after my brain stops convulsing, but for now I'm just gonna give ya'll a 'as close to exact as I can possibly get having had the dream about 4 hours ago.

I'm still not entirely sure about the setting. I think it might have been at DHS..
It was night time-ish..and it was at the football field..near the concession stands closest to the bleachers aka that spot where the pit always warmed up at(at least when I was there..idk how Liz runs the show now. lol)

The interesting part about this is that the people in this dream were not their high school selves, but their current selves.
The main people in this are myself, 'Number Three' of 'The 8th Four'(it's a long, stupid story), and Coach 'something-or-other(for the life of me I can't remember his effing name right now..it's the history teacher that Kevin and I both hated..) who has somehow managed to become the principal(poor kids..)

It starts off with me sitting against the fence and '3' standing near where I am but on the opposite side of the fence. I notice '3' and say hi..I'm giving a confused look as '3' says "we've never met before" in a half asking manner. I respond in a some what non-surprised manner "Actually we have. We both had the same class and same teachers in 8th grade.." I then proceeded to re-introduce myself..and got no response save a confused look..
Then coach/principle what's-his-face came over to where we were and started yelling at '3' about some random crap..and then he started givin me flack as well..obviously, considering that I already don't like the douchebag and have graduated I decide to retaliate and give him crap back..We go back and forth while '3' gives some random input at times but mainly just stands there and chuckles at the hilarious crap coach and I are saying to each other..
Coach finally walks away after saying something that I don't remember..But whatever it was I remember that it made '3' cry..and as she was crying I was looking at her and trying to console her and make her feel better..but none of my words were being audibalized..and then some other guy runs up and starts talking to her and she starts to feel better and then they leave..
And then I wake up to find that I am laying on my right arm and had been sleeping in that position all night..needless to say my arm was really effing numb..

Shinedown has a tendency to make me realize interesting things that I never realized before with one solitary line in a song. Today that line was "And drown myself in memory"..
What made me have this realization was a combination of that one line and my thinking about my dream which then led me to think about '3' and then the two far more important people who's names have been recuded to nothing more than numbers for sake of my not wanting to name them(although just about everybody knows who THE Two are..*hint* ones name starts with an R the other with a B..)
That line made me realize that I do more damage to myself with my memories than anything else..Those two combined put me in my 2 worst mental states in my entire life..The depression and dark heartedness I felt post-1 and especially post-2, were about 50 times worse than they are normally..It was a horrible realization because then it led me to another realization..Not only am I to blame for those situations happening in the first place, I'm also to blame for those situations not working out..It's not by any stretch of the imagination completely my fault, but I am like 2.5% to blame..ok maybe 5%..But that's not the main point of this..The main point is this: I need to find a way to forget those memories..Well..not forget, but atleast temporarily repress them..Or somethin..idk..I need to stop thinking about the past, and those two in particular..They are ruining my life, eventhough both have been out of it for quite some time now..While they are to blame and responsible for most of my mental and emotional instability they aren't the only ones to blame..It is partially my fault as well..But I aim to somehow fix that..idk how..but I'm gonna find a way to do it..For my sake I have to do it..For everyboody's dake I have to..

,Mazzus Keesaji

Thank You..

2009-02-07T00:13:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that I'm an idiot..
We all have seen just how much of a mess I can make of things and how stupid I can be pretty much all of the time..
It's also no secret that I am not at all happy with how things have now turned out in regards to myself and a specific person..
By now we all know the story..we all know how bad things were, how good they seemed to be and then how bad that turned out to actually be..
I blame Karma for that..This is karma's way of saying 'you stupid idiot, you never should have said anything because you opened a can of worms and whenever you do that you always manage to lose the lid and then the worms get out. and I'm getting sick of your shit, so this is me telling you to cut it the fuck out. k?'
Well karma..I'm sorry..I'm an idiot..I know I fuck things up..but I'm just retarded..idk..my bad..
I don't know which is worse..the fact that this ever even became an issue because I was too stupid to keep my mouth shut..the fact that I then proceeded to make things worse by continuing to not keep my mouth shut..thinking it would actually turn out in a non-shitty manner just because life owes me for the shit I've been through..or the fact that even to this very second I still fucking love her..
I haven't actually said that in a while..I've been trying to hide it..trying to fight it and pretend it wasn't the truth..Trying to hide it in anger, and in pain..but it's all been for naught..As much as it kills me to admit it I still love her..I'm an idiot, I know..I have every reason not to..But they all can be countered with 4 simple words: This is my fault..
and that is what actually makes this all hurt and drive me crazy as much as it does..that fact that this is all because of me..the fact that this is entirely my fault..No one to blame but me..well, she can be blame..but the only reason she was in the position to be able to do what she did was because of me and my idiocy..
And now I find myself at a point where I've no choice but to give up..To completely surrender..To finally, completely, accept that this is my fate..Before I would accept it, but would still look and have that hope in my mind and in my heart..But that's all been completely crushed now..It's gone..there is no hope..Hell I don't even think there's a heart..
Forever ago I used the comparison to the story of Icarus..I was Icarus, and she was the Sun..Now, more so than ever, that makes so much sense..
And now, more so than ever, I wish that this were all some twisted dream that I've been having and am actually in like a coma or something..Right now that'd be pretty fucking sweet..especially the whole waking the fuck up part..I'm mad stoked for that shit..If I am in fact comatose(LOL..quick story..so me and Colby were driving to Domino's and we were listening to this song and the guy said 'comatose'..and Colby told me that the first time she heard the song she thought that he said her name..lol..I love that crazy kid..even though she kidnapped me..)..Please let me be in a coma right now and this all be a sick twisted dream..I'd really fucking love that..Wake up..readysetgo..
...
...
...
...
...
goddammit..I'm alive..no coma..shitfuckdamnhellbitchass..or as Mr. B would say 'effin balls'..
Every approach that I attempt fails..no matter what I always end up back here..wishing this weren't real and still loving her..My fate is sealed..I'm destined to forever suffer being in love with her and hating my life and my self..whoop-dee-fucking-doo..and you guys wonder why I want to commit suicide..

,Mazzus Keesaji

..Possible story coming soon..idk what book or what chapter..maybe a preview of the RVDL book(title unknown..I was thinking 'Red Devils'..idk..we'll see..)..idk we'll see..

What the hell happened in 2007?

2009-02-05T17:07:00.001-05:00

WGI 2007..hands down one of the worst seasons pretty much ever..with the exception of RCC everybody's 2006 show completely raped their 2007 show..And the 2006 season's scores were mostly better than 2007's..2006 just kills 2007..and then moving on to 2008..It's just such an incredible difference..so I'm curious as to what the hell happened in '07 that made it such a off-season for WGI..
I mean look at the 3 first place winners..
2006-Mystique: Mystique Traveling Side Show(Cirque de Mystique) is such an incredibly awesome badass show..that show was just incredible..GE Heavy as anything..It was just a killer show..and my personal favorite WGI show of all time..
2007-RCC: Do You Remember the First Time was a great show, no doubt about that..but it does not at all compare to Cirque de Mystique..MCM '06 slaughters RCC '07..I loved RCC '07, especially their bassline..but they just didn't compare to MCM '06..
2008-Rhythm X: Gone..OMFG!! That's all you can really say about this show..especially when compared with RCC '07, R-X '08 was a HUGE upgrade..That show was just so effing good..everything was amazing..

The caliber of the champion from 06 to 07 drops quite a bit, and then from 07 to 08 shoots up drastically..fuck what the judges thought because they are clearly on crack by scored RCC 07 higher than MCM 06 or R-X 08..
And it's not just the champions..everybody dropped off in 07..everybody except RCC..and United(effing LOVED seeing that show live..so intensely awesome)MCM 06 was better than MCM 07, and MCM 08 was better than MCM 07..RCC 06 and 08 sucked, but 07 kicked ass..Rhythm X 06 was awesome, and 08 dominated the universe..07 made me wanna cry..
and of course I have to talk about OPT..I loved Dali(2006)..Infectious(2007)..not so much so..and then Voodoo(2008) was pretty awesome..
So again say I, what the hell happened in 2007 that made WGI so..borderline shitty..I just don't understand..I just really don't like 2007..other than RCC..Whereas I'm in love with 2006 as a whole and 2008 was pretty killer as well..
Hell it goes even further back..2004 blew my mind(MCM:Seven Deadly Sins, RCC: The Apple..extreme drummergasms..)..2005 was pretty kick ass too..so for 3 years WGI is just wicked intense and then 2007 comes along and I'm like...wtf?!?...but then 2008 comes and right's the ship..hopefully 2009 keeps it going and the anomele that was WGI 2007 will be forgotten like that kid that marched one season as bottom bass, was a complete loser and ruined the season, and then didn't come back and thus was forgotten about..
It's up to you WGI 2009, to save us all..Otherwise we are doomed to remember the shitty-ness of WGI 2007..which I would prefer not to have to do..Loved RCC(and United)..but other than that I wouldn't mind WGI 2007 disappearing from my memory and the record books of WGI all together..

...
in 2006 at the beginning of Dali Odyssey had 14 tenors..but they only had 4 tenors and 8 snares..that's 12..so who were the other 2...hmmmmm...

This is stuff you should care about..

2009-01-18T17:34:00.001-05:00

Kaka is leaving AC Milan to play with effing Manchester City..Why? because Milan is getting paid 112 million pounds for the transfer and Kaka is getting paid 15 million pounds per year, and 10 million immediately as a signing bonus..
That is a lot of money..He will become the highest paid footballer(soccer player to you idiots who think that what American's call football is the real football..which it isn't..) in the world..but that's the worst reason ever to switch from one of the best clubs(AC Milan) to one of the worst(Man. City)..He isn't doing this by choice..not completely anyway..He said himself that he doesn't want to leave AC Milan..He said he wants to stay there basically forever..But the big whigs saw that 112 million pound transfer fee and completely forgot about the fact that Kaka WANTS TO STAY and is one of the best players in the world(FIFA Player of the Year in '07)..Ac Milan is making a HUGE HUGE mistake by doing this deal with Manchester City..And Man. City is making an even bigger mistake..Kaka won't cause problems because he isn't that kind of prima dona superstar d'bag(*cough* Cristiano Ronaldo *cough*) But you can't expect Kaka to essentially be the clubs saviour..He has the ability to do so..I don't doubt that at all..But he is no doubt going to be pretty upset about being forced out by AC Milan just because they want the money..And he will harbor that ill will towards Manchester City aswell since this is all their fault to begin with..Man. City won't be going up the ranks anytime soon..and if they do it won't be very far..Kaka will save them from the 15th place hole they are currently in..but he won't get them into contention for the title..that just won't happen..Kaka is great..but, unlike at AC Milan, he won't have the beastly supporting cast that he has now. Robihno(who also is Brazilian) is probably one of the best players on Manchester City's roster..AC Milan, on the other hand, is full of talent..Kaka is going to take over Manchester City and basically become the king over there..but he won't be happy..and that will effect his game..Hopefully Kaka stays with AC Milan and he can 'grow old' with the team like he wants to..if not then football is going to suffer immensely..

Roger Federer is 2 Grand Slam wins away from breaking Pete Sampras' record of 14 Grand Slam Titles. This is a pretty big deal. Fed was expected to break this record last year but Rafa(el Nadal) stood in his way as did (Novak)Djokovic. And now Andy Murray is trying to get in Roger's path towards breaking that record. Fed is currently ranked #2 after having been ranked #1 for a ridiculously long time..Tomorrow is the official start of the season and chance #1 for Federer to tie the record set by Sampras. He's won 3 of the last 5 Aussie Opens, but last season lost to Djokovic in the Semi-Finals. Nadal, Murray and Djokovic all are extremely good players and will make this a very tough task for Federer..but if he does manage to pull this off then momemtum will be in his favor heading to the French Open @ Roland Garros. Clay isn't Federer's strongest surface, but winning on the Hard Courts of the Aussie Open(especially if he beats one of the 3 aformentioned competitors) will no doubt help..Rafa has won the last 4 French Opens, beating Federer in the last 3. We all remember Rafa's domination of Federer last season at Rolan Garros. If Fed can pull of the Aussie Open win then expect to see R v R for the 4th time in a row in the Finals of the French Open. I'd hate to say it but Federer won't win..But he will do a lot better than he did last season and will get somewhat of a momentum boost from playing this one close(4 sets..HUGE MAYBE 5..)Then we head into Wimbledon. The Grass court is Federer's 2nd home basically. I expect 2009 to be one of two match-ups in the Finals. R v R 4 @ Wimbledon(Fed leads 2-1) or Andry Murray v Federer(assuming the two get put on opposite sides for the draw)..If it's against the home-town hero Murray then expect an interesting match. Not as good as Rafa and Fed put on last year(omfg..I still can't believe that..it was so great)But it will be a pretty good match. If it's R v R 4 then expect The epic battle Pt. II..maybe they break their record and go 5 hours this time. If Fed wins at the Aussie Open and then the two play at Roland Garros and Fed loses, expect this one to be insanely intense. Fed will be determined to regain his Grass Court crown, and Rafa will be trying to prove that last year wasn't luck. either way the match will kick ass. Fed may or may not win this one if it's against Nadal, but he will win against Murray. Thus we head to the end of the season: The U.S. Open @ Flushing Meadows. 5 straight U.S. Open titles for Federer. He's dominated on the U.S. Hardcourts. And this year will be no different. Fed will kick ass and either be padding his his new record or attaining it(depending on the results of Wimbledon) Either way, I think Federer will surpass Pete Sampras this season and will solidify his place as the greatest Tennis player of all time. If not, then it'll be sometime within the next 2 years when he catches the young rising stars(Rafa, Novak, and Andy) off guard.

Beckham will be fine in AC Milan..he's adjusting to the speed of the game. Give him a few more caps and he'll be back to the form we're all used to seeing him in. 33 of not He's still David Beckham. And that means he's still the best

Yer Majesty

2009-01-15T16:11:00.001-05:00

You know I'm comin for you,
cause I got nothin to lose
And yeah I'm still on my way
For the pay

So you wanted to be free
From everything you've done to me
And you wanted to be known,
so you wouldn't be so alone
And you wanted to believe,
that you still had integrity
And I'm sorry you're on your knees
But you can't blame me..Your Majesty

Shinedown is basically the greatest band in the world..
that's one point I wanted to make..
The other point being that I haven't forgotten what I promised to do to you..
I still have that evil plan in the back of my mind..
I still plan to ruin everything for you..
I still plan to make your world hurt you as much as you made my world hurt me, if not more so
You've brought out a new dark side of me..and this one has no plans of regressing..
so..good luck..you will most definitely need it..

Back in November I said a 'new era' would be coming..
And I suppose technically that is true because this is a new era from the one we were in
but in reality it is a return to where we once were..
back to..the chaos..

,Mottekuru za Kaosu
Mazzus Keesaji

I won't give you a timeline..
I'll just do it..
and shock the shit out of you..and everybody else..
and it'll be fun =) or for me anyway..you might not enjoy this too much..

A new darkness..this is gonna be interesting..

2009-01-11T20:54:00.001-05:00

I'm at an interesting point in this whole healing/grieving process thing..
It's no secret that I've been driving myself insane ever since that morning..I've been trying to get past it, but it hasn't worked out so well. Although there was a short time when I was actually ok. I was over it and had completely forgotten about her. Well..not completely but you know what I mean

Anyways..

I'm now reaching a very interesting point in this whole process..

It may be due to the constant losses and what not..or it may me that my mind is just extremely warped..but I've somehow managed to skip around in the process..and now I'm at the 'fun part' of the process..Well..kinda..like I said, I'm at an interesting place right now..

It's kinda like a combination of Anger, Bargaining and Acceptance. But the thing is I'm not so much angry as I am just..Resentful..I'm not bargaining with a deity as I am with myself..Well I guess technically my inner darkness is a deity..And I'm not bargaining in an attempt to bring back that happiness but rather to rid myself of the pain and everything that makes me think abt her and everything that happened..And it's not so much that I've accepted that this has happened as much as it is that I've accepted that this is how things have been and will be..In a sense Acceptance is me giving up..(thus bringing on the Loneliness which is nothing new..)

my feet are effin cold..sorry random..

I've been thinking a lot lately..thinking about what happened..how much what happened hurt..and it's been driving me crazy..
And I've been thinking of a way to possibly make things better..to make her realize just to what extent that hurt..

And then it hit me..
I had an epiphany of sorts..
A very very dark and heartless epiphany..which seemed pretty fitting considering my heart was ripped our and cut into a million pieces..

I can't go into details..let's just say I have something that somebody might like to see..
And by might like to see I mean they would be pissed as all hell and would drive you insane for ever..
Thus taking away your happiness..
And that makes you as miserable as me..
Misery does enjoy company..
And it makes plenty of sense to have you of all people as company..this would be pretty interesting..
We make each other miserable..

This is the result of the darkness that I spent so many days months and years repressing..The purest form of hatred..isn't it lovely..and it is only going to get worse from here..

What would happen if..instead of just that one person..we show the world..wouldn't that be somethin..

I'd love to get to see the damage firsthand..
Sadly I won't be able to given the circumstances which have caused this chaos to be created and this damage to have to be done..

This is probably gonna freak out a lot of you..
But that's assuming that any of you know what I'm talking about..again, assuming that any of you actually read this..and if you don't..I'm sure you all will be on my case once my plan goes into action and we see the results of my evil, heartless actions..

Excuse my psychosis..
But hey just be glad that it's not any of you in this situation..
I could be ruining your life instead..

This is my darkness..
This is my pain..
This is what happens when I completely lose my mind..

,Mazzus Keesaji

20 years(and one day) later

2009-01-08T18:13:00.011-05:00

January 8th, 1989 at 4:35 pm in Mt. Holly, New Jersey..

It's been 20 years since that day a.k.a. my birthday..

20 years since I took my first breath..

About 50-ish firsts later and I'm still somehow alive and..kinda well..

I've learned a lot in these 20 years..

Done a lot of stuff..some stupid..and some good..fun stuff that I'd give anything to do all over again..

I'm 2 decades old
or one score old
or a fifth of a century old
the moral of the story is I'm old..or at least I feel as though I am..
and it sucks..
I hate being old..lol..
But..it is what it is..
Can't fight it anymore..so I guess I have no choice but to embrace it..
No clue what the hell comes along with being a 20 year old aside from being one step closer to that all important age of 21(which will be the biggest party night ever for me..I'll be off the grid for a few days because I'll be abusing my new 21 year old status) but once I figure that out I'll be sure to not fight it..unless it's something stupid then I won't give a crap and will ignore it..

I guess now I'm officially a 100% adult..no more 'teen' on the end of the age..
This kinda sucks..I don't wanna grow up..(I'm a Toys R' Us kid...oh c'mon don't act like you didn't see that coming..)
But I have no choice..which also sucks..I wanna be Benjamin Button..except not really..I wanna get to 21 and then never age..unless I somehow get taller(which I know I won't..damned dwarfism..but I can still dream..)Reverse aging would blow mega monkeys..that'd definitely make me wanna kill myself..I'd rather be older than most of my friends like I am now than be younger than all of them/be growing younger..that'd be ridiculous and sucky as all hell..

But anyways..back to the purpose of this..wait..what is the purpose of this..
idk..I guess to wish myself happy birthday..

There's more..there's always more with me..you should know that by now..

I've been thinking a lot lately..
Thinking about everything that has happened to me..Everything I've gone through..Thinking about everything that I've done..everything I've seen..
And, during all of this thinking, one specific thing has stuck out through my entire life..
Just take a wild guess..I bet you'll figure it out..

If you haven't figured it out by now you are either retarded or you and I aren't all that close and thusly you know very little about me and my life..

Still nothin..hopefully not..cause then seriously..why are we friends..
But then again, none of those non-real-friends would be reading this..
So we can stop wasting time..

The one thing that has stuck out throughout the 20 years is obviously the one thing I clamor about constantly..that happiness that more often than not eludes me..no matter what I do or how hard I try..It's either there and gone in an instant or it's just not there at all..both suck..it being completely a.w.o.l. is, oddly enough, probably better than it being there and gone..atleast when it's nowhere to be found and hasn't been for a while I have nothing that I'm constantly thinking about and wishing I hadn't lost..hence my recent collapse..having and then losing that happiness..that drove me crazy..literally..my depression resurfaced..I swear I turned even more psychotic..all because of that..I've even started writing darker..not just my manga's but my music aswell..everything is darker than it was..even when things were bad like they were before when that "I'll never be happy again" stuff was going on(prior to finding that happiness, for the short time that I had it) things weren't as dark as then as they are now..But I've digressed..
That one thing has stuck out in my mind every time I run over what has happened in my life..
Well that among other things..the moving 5 million times..the friends disappearing into the thin air and never resurfacing thus forcing me to question exactly what a friend truly is and further creating my distrust towards other people..
But that other stuff always takes the backseat to the lack of happiness..nothing kills me more than that..not being able to be happy..whether it be that emotional stability form of happiness of that 'I'm happy because things are going well' happiness or that 'I'm happy because of something I've done that has made me happy' happiness..it's all been absent in my life..if not absent then, like I said, it's been there and gone in an instant..
That is the thing I will change..notice I didn't say hope to change..I said WILL change..because I WILL change it..I will be happy..one way or another..I'll suffer through this darkness, fight like hell to keep it away and then be happy..I won't let things get to this point ever again..Somethings will have to change and essnetially be absent from my life in order to make that happen..the main thing that I'm leaving out ought to be pretty obvious..it should essentially go without saying..(if you really can't figure it out then ask me)and there are some things that I will exclude from my life that will fix things..
I myself will change as a person..

These are not New Years Resolutions..these are "if I don't do this I'm not going to make it to 21" resolutions..These are things that if I don't change now I'll never be able to change..things that, if I don't change now, will end up controling me moreso than they so now..and we can't ave that..I need to retake control..I need to become essentially hybrid..who I once was, who I am now, who I used to dream that I would be, and who I need to be..

This is going to require a lot of work..and I'm going to need a ton of help..this is where you come in..You reading this means you care about me, your bored and have nothing better to do, or a combination of the two..those who are just bored probably didn't make it this far and if they did then they ought to stop reading because this doesn't concern them..
to those who do actually care about me, I will need your help with this..I will need your help changing..not just because I'm weak but because I've noticed something..whether it be my idiotic desire to please others or my weakness for some reason I do things better when others need me to do them..For some reason I am a better person for other people than I am for myself..It seems really really stupid, I know..but..whatever..you guys should be happy that ya'll are so important to me..soo..help me..please..

364 days till I turn 21..effin sweet man..effin sweet..

"The Letter"

2008-12-01T23:45:00.009-05:00

This is an excerpt from Bloody Rose Pt. II the final 'chapter' : Something....Dead
This is Zen's letter to Kara that he sends along with The Rose..

Kara,

I don't know where to begin. I'm writing this to you, because I couldn't bare to tell you this in person on even on the phone. I knew that if I heard your voice or saw you I would fall apart.

I need you to know something Kara. I need you to know that, even after what happened between us. I do still love you with every bit of my heart. I suppose that's why I have to do this. When you left, you took my heart with you. I was, and still am, completely torn apart by what you did. What little of me that was left over after you completely tore me apart, is hurting so much now. But I still love you. And I still miss you and what we had together. I also need you to know that this isn't your fault. This isn't because of what you did. This is because of me and what I did. I should've known better than to let you in as much as I did. I should've known that this was all too good to be true. I should've known that it wasn't going to last. But I didn't know. And now that I do know, it's too late. I gave you my heart. And ,now, I am letting you keep it...for good...

What you and I had was so incredible. Nothing can or will replace that. I loved being with you. And I still do love you. So very much. And I just can't imagine how things will be without you beside me now. I don't want to have to live that life. My life, without you, is empty. Completely and utterly empty. I have nothing without you. My happiness was completely because of you. I need you in my life. Otherwise I have nothing. And you made it quite obvious that you aren't coming back when you left me that night. So, think of this is my decision to do the same. I am leaving. But, unlike you, I'm not moving to a different state. I am...I'm moving to another lifetime...My world, without you, is in-complete. It's empty and pointless. Having you in my life was the one thing that kept me going these past few years. Losing you is like losing my heart and soul. I'm just a lifeless, purposeless vessel.

What you did to me. It hurt like hell. I didn't think that I would ever be able to forgive you for that. But, I know now, that I can and do forgive you. So don't think that this has anything to do with anger or hatred towards you, because there is none. I love you with every fiber of my being. I always have and always will. And that is partly why I must do this. I have nothing left now. There is nothing left of me. I gave it all to you. And, honestly, I don't want it back unless you come with it. I don't want to live without you in my life. I can't do that. I have no clue how I made it through life before you, but I feel that I cannot survive now without you. Having had you in my life, and having been with you, I know now what true happiness is and I know that nothing can give me that other than having you back in my life and having you back here beside me.

I was thinking of something to send you, that would help you to remember me. It took me a lot of time to think of something. But I finally decided on something...A Rose...But, I think you will find something very special about this Rose. It's not some ordinary rose. It's what I decided to call a "Bleeding Heart" Rose. It's a white rose. Or it used to be. As you can see now, it is no longer white, but it is now red. That is because the Rose got covered in my blood. On accident of course. At first I wasn't going to send this rose to you. But then I thought about the symbolism and I thought you might like it. Do you know what white roses symbolize? They are the symbol for innocence and purity. I found it interesting that it was my pain that cause the purity of that rose to be covered in blood. It's kinda like how my love for you, and our amazing relationship was destroyed because of the pain I am now in.

I love you. I always will. No matter what happens. But I cannot live without you here beside me. I can't. It hurts too much. Living without you is like living with a dagger in my heart. I can't do it. I just can't. I need you in my life. I'm sorry that these are going to be my last words to you. But I needed to tell you directly so that you knew it wasn't your fault. It's mine. I love you Kara. I always will. But now, i have lost all faith in love. I can't and won't love anyone else as much as I did, and still do, love you. And that is why I must do this.
,Zen

,Mottekuru za Kaosu
Mazzus Keesaji

The Lost Soul

2008-11-24T17:22:00.005-05:00

One of my personal favorites of all the characters I've created..Iku..is one this story is centered around..Basically Iku is the biggest BAMF in existence..nuff said..

These 5 chapters probably don't show it as much..but trust me..he's the biggest BAMF ever..He pwns pretty much everybody..

Ch.1: Iku

The rain continued to pour as a young man ,dressed in all black with a long sheathe at his side, walked slowly through the city. He hung his head, looking up only when someone passed by him. His hood hung over his head, showing only his eyes. Those eyes. Those bright red eyes full of hatred and bloodlust.

He walked for a few minutes, before finally stopping in front of an inn. His eyes shifted to his left. The inn was dark, and the sign was broken. He glared at the window of the inn, then began walking towards the door. When he reached it, he pushed open the door and stepped into the inn. He looked around the room and smirked, as he began walking towards a man sitting in the corner of the room.

The man looked up and laughed. "You're finally here." "Sorry it took so long, I caught a snag." The young man sat down across from the man. "So this is the legendary Iku Carolenat. Or do you still go by 'Black Dragon'?" The man continued smiling as he looked into Iku's eyes. "Either one will do. I kill by both." Iku smirked as he said this. The man laughed. "My father has a mission for you. He needs you to find something for him. A very valuable something." "I don't do treasure hunts anymore. No matter how valuable the item. I'm a fulltime assassin now." "Well what if I told you this item were guarded by an extremely powerful someone." "How powerful?" "Nearly immortal good enough for you?" "I suppose so," Iku said smirking. "So you're interested?" "What is this valuable something he wants me to find?" "The Damascus Armor," The man said. "Damascus Armor? You're joking right? The was hidden over a thousand years ago by the 1st Saiyora." "I'm not joking. We found it. It's hidden in a cave in Fritara. We need it for a... project." "What kind of project?" "The kind of project that requires an extremely powerful suit of armor," The man said smiling. "A resurrection perhaps?" Iku asked as he looked at the man with a bit of intrigue in his eyes. "You'll know all of the details when you retrieve the armor." The man said.

Iku stood up and left the inn.

Ch.2: 2 Weeks Later

As the bandits began to surround him, Iku put his hand on the hilt of his sword. "Let's show this kid who runs these deserts." The leader of the bandits said as he and his group rew their swords and prepared to atack. Suddenly, bandit after bandit began dropping dead. The leader looked confused as he watched this occurence. "It's him...It's the Black Dragon!!" One of the bandits screamed as he and the others began running.

Only the bandits leader remained. "So we meet at last...Iku Carolenat. You're quite young for someone as legendary as you. I've always dreamt of this moment. The day I meet, and kill, the Final Saiyora." Iku looked at the bandit and smirked. "You really think you can kill me? Let's see you prove that theory." Iku drew his sword as he said this. The bandit leader laughed as he stood ready to attack. He then charged at Iku and slashed at him in an attempt to cut off his head. Iku stepped backwards, easily dodging the attack, then kicked the bandit in the gut which knocked the wind out of him causing him to fall to his knees. "So you thought you could kill me? What put that idiotic idea in your mind?" Iku asked as he put his blade to the bandits kneck. "A prophecy. The" "Shiratu-Dragos prophecy. So that makes you the third born Tamishii-kireina." "Third born? No, I am the second." The bandit paused for a second then began laughing. "So my son is special afterall. The shamans were right." Iku's eyes glowed as he slit the throat of the bandit.

'So there is another I must kill? Oh well. Maybe this one will actually be a challenge for me.' Iku thought as he whiped the blood off of his sword and sheathed it.

Ch.3: 3 Days Later

Iku pushed open the door to find a teenage boy and his mother huddled together in a corner. He smirked. The woman squeeled as Iku's eyes settled on her son. She knew those eyes. She had heard tales of them. Blood Eyes, they're often called. Every hundred years, a boy is born with them. It is his destiny to grow into a powerful warrior and protector, or a deadly killer. It is clear to her that this young man is the latter.

She pulls her son closer as Iku walks into the room and sits on the bed, the whole time his eyes fixated upon the boy. "So this is the almighty third born Tamishii-Kireina?You don't seem like a killer to me. Yet hundreds of men have told me I am to die by your hands. I think it's same to assume that this propecy is false." Iku leaned towards the boy as he said this. "In a way yes, it is false. I am not supposed to kill you physically. Just the darkness in your soul. Tamishii-Kireina means 'soul-cleanser'. And that's what I'm going to do to you. My job is to make you into a SAINT," The boy said as he pushed away from his mother, stood up, and took a step towards Iku. Iku laughed. "Me? A SAINT? That's not likely. I'm the most legendary Dark Saiyora of all time. There's no way I'll become a SAINT. You're mommy just told you that so that you wouldn't fear you imminent death. The harsh reality is that you're going to die and there's nothing that anyone can do about it. You're life is over." As Iku said this, he stood up and placed his hand on his swords hilt. "You should feel honored. I killed your grandfather 2 years ago with this sword. I killed your father with this sword, 3 days ago. Now you wil be the third Tamishii-Kireina to die by this blade." Iku un-sheathed his blade and placed it on the boys neck. He smirked as he lightly cut the boys neck, causing it it bleed slightly.

"Please don't do this," the boys mother said crying, "My son does not have to die. We can move away from here. I can have a psychic erase is mind so that he forgets his destinty. I'll do anything, just please don't kill my son." The woman crawled over the Iku and grabbed his arm as she began wailing in agony. Iku quickly swung his sword, cutting off the womans head, then placed his sword back on the boys neck in one fluid movement. The boy looked down at his mothers body then glared back at Iku. "You're soul will not be able to withstand me for long Dark Saiyora. In 3 weeks you will begin to feel the pain of the millions of people you've killed. You'll go insane from the remorse. Eventually you'll break, completing the clensing process. Once the process is complete you will become a" Before the boy could finish, Iku stabbed him in the heart and cut off his head in one swift movement.

"I will never become a SAINT. I will be the greatest Saiyora of all time!" Iku yelled as he walked out of the house.

Ch.4: Darkness Thrives

Iku left the tavern and slowly began walking towards the towns exit. He had gotten little information from the towns people...so he killed them all...He was growing very impatient with this quest he had been sent on. '5 towns and not a single person knows anything about the Damascus Armor. This is getting ridiculous.' Iku continued walking. He was scanning the streets and alleyways for any possible survivors of his rage filled weekend. 'Looks like I got everybody.' Iku thought. He then felt a sudden pain in his chest. 'Damn heart acting up again' He thought. It had been 2 weeks since he killed the 3rd Tamishii-Kireina. This pain started exactly 3 days after that night. Iku just considered it coincidence. He felt just as evil, if not more so, than he did before. He knew he wouldn't become a SAINT. He couldn't. He had to complete his quest of becoming the greatest Dark Saiyora. He had to become a Legend

As he reached the city gate he turned around and gazed upon the city. 'I suppose there's no point in keeping this place around any longer.' He clenched his fist and rose it in the air as he said this. A gigantic shadow suddenly covered the city. As he walked out of the gate he un-clenched his fist. The city instantly burst into flames. but these were no ordinary flames. They were black, darkened by the evil in Iku's heart.

He stood on a hill near by and watched the city burning. The entire time his heart felt as though it were burning. But he ignored it. He just continued smiling as he observed his work of chaos.

Ch.5: Legendary...SAINT?

One by one they fell. Iku attacked, slashing away at every living thing in sight. The screams of his victims grew louder as he continued his rampage. The pain in his heart grew greater and greater with eac victim but he ignored it. He was too busy enjoying himself, which was made evident by the smirk he had on his face. One by one, they continued to fall. Iku continued to attack, relentlessly. He was determined to kill any, and all, of the warriors the town had sent to fight him. He would ocassionally glance up and see the looks on the faces of the wives, mothers, and children of the men he was killing. And their anguish just drove him further into his rage.

The pain in his chest continued, but he still ignored it. He refused to acknowledge that his pain was because of his victims lament. But, deep down, he knew.

He had finally finished. An entire army. 527 men. All dead. All killed by him. The darkness in him over-powered their determination to save their families and homes from being destroyed. His evil destroyed their love and goodness.

As Iku began walking towards the town, all the while thinking about how he would destroy it, his heart began to beat rapidly. It felt as though his heart were about to explode. He clutched his chest in pain. 'This is not happening.' He continued walking as he tried to fight the pain. 'This is supposed to be my destiny.' He fell to his knees in agony. He let out a yell that was so drenched in pain and agony it seemed to the townspeople as if he may be dieng. 'The greatest Dark Saiyora..That is my destiny..I cannot..' He clenched his fists in the dirt as he attempted to fight the pain. '..I will not..' A dark aura began to flow from his body. Some of the townspeople began rejoicing at the sight. The evil man who was going to destroy their homes was beig destroyed by the darkness in his heart.."I WILL NOT FAIL!!!!"..or so they thought..Iku let out a loud yell as the aura began to flow violently like dust in a tornado and surrounded Iku's body. Iku tried to stand..then to walk..All the while mumbling that he would not fail. He slowly made his way towards the town. He was determined to finish what he had started. The townspeople all ran. Some went to their homes and hoped for their safety. Some ran to the exit hoping to excape Iku's wrath, if only for now. The sky began to darken. Rain began to fall. Lightning struck all around Iku as he continued to make his way towards the center of the town.

He finally stopped. The rain continued to fall. It was pitch black, except when the lightning struck. A woman who had staye behind in her home, looked out of the window. She saw nothing except Iku's eyes. His red hate-filled, blood thirtsy eyes. Iku began laughing as he, again, fell to his knees. "I wont let this happen. I will not become a SAINT." Iku finally collapsed. The sky began to brighten. The lightning stopped. The townspeople felt safe. Atleast for the moment.

I owe you my life

2008-11-21T18:34:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking alot today..that's usually a bad thing..but today it was good..I got alot done today..In thes 24 hours I've probably changed more, mentally and emotionally, than I have in my entire life..

I realized something..I have the greatest friends anybody could ever ask for..And it's not just one or two or three good friends and then a couple 'kinda but not really only when they need something from you" friends..I have a frickin armada of friends..Seriously..a fucking army..

My very best friend and darling 'wife' Katie Steinberg a.k.a. Mama Bear is the head hocho of the entire group..basically she's the one that deals with all of my major crap and yells at me for pretty much everything because..let's face it..I'm a retard..I'm always wrong..but that's why i have Mama Bear..she makes me not be wrong..sometimes..but there are the times when I make the mistake of not listening to her..and then she yells at me for not listening..

And of course there's the next line of defense Ally Mally, Tierney, Colby and Chelsea
Then there's Liz, Lisa, Matt and Zach
Tiffani, Nicole, Liz, Katie, Jessie, Kelly, Breann, Asia, Andrea, Puigelollersi(lol)

And the list goes on and on..but you get the idea..there's a whole effin lot of people..

I have the greatest group of friends anybody could ever ask for..

I guess it takes losing the former head honcho to realize just how amazing my friends truly are..I regret not having realized that before..I took for granted what I had..And I hope that all of you can forgive me for that..

Thank you..to all of you..I owe you all so much..All of you have, at some point, had to deal with me at my absolute low..And I'm sorry for that..but thank you for not giving up on me..for not letting me fall..for trying to help me..for catching me..and bringing me back from that absolute low..I don't know where I'd be without all of you..but I think it's safe to say I wouldn't be sitting here right now..So thank all of yu so very much..I owe you all my life..

It's only been a month...

2008-11-21T12:21:00.002-05:00

It's only been a month, but I feel this...attraction...to her. I don't know what it is but, I feel like I've known her my entire life. I think...she's the girl I've been waiting for my whole life. She is the girl of my dreams. But wait. What am I saying. It's only been a month. I don't know this for fact. But...I...I don't know...I guess we'll see. Only time will tell. For now...I dream...

It's been a month now..It's been a month since it ended..a month since my happiness was taken from me..a month since the one thing that mattered most to me in my life was taken away from me..or rather ran away from me..It's been a month since she left..And it still hurts just as much as it did that day a month ago..

I've tried to ignore the pain..I've tried to fight through it..I've tried to just fight it in general..I've tried everything I know to do..and nothing is working..this is unlike any pain I've been in..this pain..Losing her..hurts more than anything that was ever said or done..This is tearing me apart..driving me insane..I don't know what to do anymore..nothing I say or do will work..nothing I try will fix this..I've lost..I've lost everything..

I suppose this whole thing was some kind of karmic retribution thing..I held onto the past for so many years..but then..I started to look to the future..I hoped..I dreamed..hell I even prayed a few times and that's crazy because I'm not exactly the most religious person..I tried to be happier and more optomistic..but what I forgot..what I ignored..was that my past was still there..I didn't want it to be..but it was..the darkness caught up with me..I left it behind..I grasped what I wanted most and was happier than I've ever been in my entire life..but I forgot..my happiness never lasts..it always gets taken away from me..

I've spent the bulk of this month regretting everything..but..I realized something..this isn't what I should be doing..This is the opposite of what I should do..I should instead be happy that I had that at all..be happy that I, atleast for a short period of time, had the luck of having her in my life at all..let alone to the degree which it was..Having the person you love more than anything in your life..being with them, even for a short period of time..most people would kill for that..SO I suppose I should be happy with what I had..having her in my life at all..be happy with what we had..with how reat things were..having that happiness at all is better than never having it at all..Losing her hurts like hell..but I suppose this is better than having never had her at all..

Forever ago I promised myself if I had the chance I'd make the most of it..and I think I did..This is what came of it..but I still did what I intended to do..and it was good..while it lasted..I did everything I could..it wasn't enough..I see that..but still..I guess the other part of this is the pain of having to accept that this isn't..or wasn't..what was supposed to happen..us..wasn't supposed to happen..or maybe it will in the future..but..that's the future..and what we had was, or is..the past..right now..this is what we..what I have..I can't let that control me anymore..I can't let the pain control me..I can't let the heartbreak control me..I can't let the fact that I was so happy and now it's gone control me..I can't let the old me take over again..I can't do that..not to any of you..not to myself..and not to her..I can't..I won't..

"...If this is how it ends, then this is how it ends..we all move on eventually..except for the true friends.."

That's what I need..I need to be what I once was..what I was when this happened the first time..except not to this extreme..I think deep down I knew that that wouldn't last and that things would find a way to work themselves out..but this time..I've lost all faith..I fear this is the end..for good..and that breaks my heart..I dont want this to be the end.I don't want there to ever be an end to this..

..somebody save me..

it's only been a month..but..without you..it feels like it's been forever..

,Tenshi Hensoo Shite
Mazzus Keesaji

...the new era is coming...

l o fkn l junior year..

2008-11-21T11:47:00.003-05:00

I don't remember why we had to write this..I just remember we had to write it..Caputi was a weirdo..lol

The Vengeful Rabbi

"You do realize that what you said was extremely disrespctful, not only to this temple but also to my family. As the Rabbi everythig you say about this temple can be taken as you saying it about me. The things that you said were lies. I demand that you tell me who said those things to you!" *beep* End of message. You have no more messages. 'That idiot thinks that he can scare me into revealing who my master is. I guess this means he did not get the message the first time. It would appear that I shall have to re-deliver this message to him.' Alex thought to himself as he picked up his telephone and began dialing a number. "Hello", a voice came over the reciever. "I would like to speak to HIM" Alex whispered into the phone. "One moment please sir. We will direct you to Mr. Chamberlain's office shortly," the woman said. "What's up, Wilt Chamberlain here. How may I help you today?" The man said into the telephone reciever. "Master, it is me Alex. I have news of the Rabbi, Moses." Alex said with a hint of fear in his voice. "What is it? Has he decided to abandon his religion and leave here once and for all?" Wilt said. "Well, actually master, he does not seem frightened by the allegations that have been placed upon him. He wants to know who sent me to say those things. I think he knows it is you." Alex said. "How is that possible? Did you tell him you would take this to the authorities if he did not do as you said?" Wilt said in an angry tone. "He would not let me.He had me thrown out of his temple before I could finish. His guards heard me say it, but I do not thnk that they will relay the message to him. I am deeply sorry master." Alex said in an even more fearful tone than before. "You're not as sorry as you're gonna be when I get my hands n you, you little *click* Alex dropped the phone onto the reciever and began backing away from the phone. 'He will most surely kill me if I do not do this job. I must act quickly. Nikias is probably on his way here already. I must make sure that the job is done before he arrives' Alex thought to himslf as he began pacing around his bedroom.

One hour later Alex was packing things into a black duffle bag. He seemed hurried, but would occasionally stop to peek out of the window. He would look down upon the street. If he did not see any one he would sigh with relief, whereas is he saw someone or even a shadow he would hold his breath until they vanished into the distance. A few seconds after he had finished packing his things he heard a knock on his apartment door. He slowly crept out of his bedroom and looked out of the window. He saw nothing. "Who is it?" Alex said gently. He took a few more steps toward his door. The knocking continued. "Who is it?" Alex said alittle more audibly. The knocking ceased for a few seconds. "Hello?" Alex said as he leaned against the door in an attempt to hear if someone was outside of his apartment. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. He looked down and gasped. Whoever was opposite him had stabbed him with a sword. Alex leaned foward in an atempt to dislodge himself from the sword. Suddenly the sword was pulled back through the door. 'I must reach the phone and call the police' Alex thought as he began crawling towards his bedroom. Suddenly an explosion blew his door open. He looked behind him to see who his attacker was. "You!" Alex gasped as he began crawling faster. The man threw a body into the room. It landed next to Alex witha loud thump. "How could you do this?!?" Alex yelled as he looked at the naked lifeless body of his mother. "Now whose mother is a whore?" the man said as he began walking towards A;ex. As he came into the light, his long brown-grey beard became more visibl. Moses was the one who attacked him. "Now to finish the job," Moses said as he raised the sword above his head. "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!" Alex yelled with his final breath.

..ok..so basically..that was one of the most ricidulous things I've ever written in my life..

"So please..give me your hand..please..give me a lesson on how to steal a heart..as fast as you stole mine.."

2008-11-05T23:23:00.005-05:00

I'm not gonna lie..

This fucking hurts..

..ALOT..

Is it because you enjoy putting me through this?

Is that why you do this?

Is it because I did something?
Is this my karmic conaequence for wanting what I couldn't have?
If so..goddamn you karma..you are undoubetdly the biggest bitch in existence..

This fucking hurts..

..ALOT..

I feel like it's because of me..

because I'm not good enough for you..

no matter how hard I try..
no matter what I give..what I do..what I say..
it's never enough for you..
it's still always about them..

those before me..

and probably those after me..

I'm not good enough for you..I can't give you what you want..but they apparently can..
as much as you "love" me for being so "amazing" I'm nothing compared to them..and I'm nothing to you..

This fucking hurts..

..ALOT..

I don't get it..

it's just not fair..

no matter what..

I always end up being hurt..

I always give any and every thing I have to offer..

and I get nothing in return but more pain..

Yes..you made me happy..

Yes..I still am insanely in love with you and always will be

..yes..I still want to be with you..

..yes..I forgive you..

..yes..I'm willing to risk it..again..again..

"it's like I can't feel a thing without you around"

..does it remind you of him too??
you wanted to be honest tonight..keep that going..tell me the truth..does it remind you of him..of either of them??

This hurts so fucking much..

so so so fucking much..

But..I still can't help but love you..
..I still can't stop thinking about you..
..You still mean everything to me..
..I still can't imagine my life without you..
..I still feel in-complete because I don't have you..

I wish I could trade with him..or either one of them..just for a day..just so I could finally get my wish..to finally have you truly love me and want me and not choose them over me..for you to finally be as in love with me as you said you were so many times before..to finally get to call you my beautiful amazing girl..and know that you really are mine..

I wish..

But..

my wishes never come true..

only thing that ever happens to me..

is me getting hurt..

,Hishouresu Tenshi
Mazzus Keesaji

You name is on both of my arms now..

and neither are a tattoo..

They are reminders..

That I was never good enough for a girl named...

Your Name Is On My Arm...and it's not a tattoo..

2008-11-02T23:14:00.002-05:00

the question of the hour..of the day..the week..the month..the year..
it's one simple word..

...why?

why did you do what you did? why did you let yourself..let me..get tricked into thinking it was ok when in reality it wasn't even close..why did you hurt me like you did..why did you lie to me..why did you break my heart..

It all comes back to the past..your past..my past..our past..what we've gone through together..what we've gone through apart..

But..for the first time..my past isn't the one hurting me and ruining things for me..it's you..you and your past..what you refuse to let go of..what you are afraid to let go of..what you are afraid of doing..what you are afraid of not doing..what you think you can't do..what you think you can do..

But, the problem with that..your thinking only about yourself..what YOU are afraid of..what YOU think will happen..what YOU want to hold on to..what YOU want..

and..because of that..your name is now on my arm..

..oh...and...it's not a tattoo...it's a fucking scar...
If I can't have you then I'll atleast make sure I'll never forget you and what you did to me..and obviously I won't forget your name..it's on my arm now..carved into it forever..because you hurt me..

I cut my heart out..or tried to..because you had already ripped it out and stomped it into the ground..

AND STILL..I can't help but love you..I still love you more than anything..you still mean everything to me..I still can't imagine life without you..

,Hishouresu Tenshi
Mazzus Keesaji

How Close You Came to Losing It All..Pre-Req.

2008-10-28T21:51:00.004-04:00

45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply so absurd
In these times of doing what you`re told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man`s heart
Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart

And I`m staring down the barrell of a .45 (.45)
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrell of a .45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high upon a shelf
Left for you, no one else
There`s a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight
What ever happened to the young man`s heart
Swallowed by pain as he slowly fell apart

And I`m staring down the barrell of a .45 (.45)
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrell of a .45

Everyone`s pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
Nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I`m staring down the barrell of a .45 (.45)
Swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrell of a .45

And I`m staring down the barrell of a .45 (.45)
And I`m swimming through the ashes of another life (another life)
There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrell of a .45

I posted these lyrics because they are a pre-requisite to a blog i'll be posting in like a week..