Writing Plays is Kinda Fun

Another(unfinished) project from last semester. Another play. ( Here's the first Play I posted, which people seemed to enjoy )
Re-reading this has allowed me to discover one of two things: Either I’m really funny, or I just greatly amuse myself. You be the judge.

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                                                                                                                                                                                  Rum

Characters
Craig Litser – College Student, Psychology Major. Doesn’t know how to cook
Eli Bay – College Student, ‘un-declared’. Too lazy to cook
Fran Lisa – College Student, Psychology-Sociology Double Major. Vegan.

Setting
Apartment of two college students in Tennessee.


ELI returns from the gym, sits on a stool in front of the kitchen counter.
ELI: So, what’s for dinner?
CRAIG: Ramen.
ELI: You know what I could go for?
CRAIG: I don’t care, Eli.
ELI: Salmon. Baked Salmon, with steamed vegetables and light-as-air biscuits.
CRAIG: That sounds great. But, unless you’re going to get off your ass and cook it, you’re going to be eating Ramen tonight.
ELI: You really ought to learn how to cook, bro. Especially if you’re going to move in with the Vegan chick.
CRAIG: Fran. Her name is Fran.
ELI: Whatever. Her name isn’t as important as the fact that she’s a Vegan. You know what that means?
CRAIG: She doesn’t eat meat.
ELI: Exactly! And, if she doesn’t eat meat, then there goes your manhood.
CRAIG: What are you talking about?
ELI: C’mon bro. Everybody knows that if you eat nothing but veggies you turn into a giant puss. That’s why you never see any masculine guys that are Vegans.
CRAIG: That makes absolutely no sense.
ELI: It makes PERFECT sense. You eat like a cow, or whatever, and then you turn into a giant puss. It’s how they get you.
CRAIG: Oh please. Not another government conspiracy.
ELI: Nope. Even worse. A conspiracy of the opposite sex.
CRAIG: (mumbles) Idiot
ELI: Don’t mock me. It’s the truth. They feed you like an animal because they want to train you to act like one. Make you more submissive. Turn you into a giant puss. It’s a scientific fact.
CRAIG: Alright. First off, what do you know about science? And secondly, wherever you got that information from – assuming it isn’t from your incredibly warped imagination – is clearly not a reputable source.
ELI: (sighs) Don’t say I didn’t warn you bro.
(Fran enters, rolls her eyes as she walks past Eli. Smiles as she stands beside Craig)
ELI: Well, speak of the devil
FRAN: Why am I not surprised that you were sitting here talking about yourself. So self-centered.
ELI: (scoffs) You’re so hilarious. Really. I’m in stiches.
CRAIG: If I didn’t know any better I’d think you two were the couple, with the way you argue.
FRAN and ELI: That’s not funny, Craig.
CRAIG: (pauses) That was a bit too creepy for my taste.
FRAN: Speaking of taste. (looks down at bowl of Ramen) That stuff isn’t good for you.
ELI: Oh, here we go.
FRAN: It’s true. They deep-fry animal toe-nails and mix it with their hair. It’s so disgusting. You shouldn’t eat that stuff. I have some organic carrots, if you want. (pulls bag of carrots from her purse)
CRAIG: No thanks, babe. I’ll take my chances with the (pauses) deep-fried animal toe-nails and hair.
FRAN: Suit yourself. I’ll let that slide for now, but once we get married it’s all Vegan all the time. I won’t have you dying on me because of your terrible food choices.
ELI: (mumbling) No. She would much rather have you dying when she stabs you in your sleep after finding out that you ate a doughnut at work.
CRAIG: It’s a good thing that’s a while away.
FRAN: What’s that supposed to mean? (angrily bites into a carrot)
ELI: That poor defenseless carrot. What did it ever do to you?
FRAN: You shut your mouth, Eli. Craig, what was that? “A while away”? So, you hate me now? Just because I said you can’t eat Ramen?
CRAIG: (stuttering, trying to find something to say in defense of himself)
ELI: You do realize you sound like a crazy person, right? How did you get “hate” from his basically saying “if we do get married, it definitely won’t be tomorrow”?
FRAN: I AM NOT CRAZY! (angrily bites into another carrot)
ELI: Again, with the carrot-abuse. I’m going to call PETA, or whatever their vegetable-abuse equivalent is.
FRAN: Craig, are you going to say something? Your friend just called me crazy.
CRAIG: She (pauses) She isn’t crazy, Eli. She’s just emotional. Which I understand. (pauses) I didn’t mean to say that the way it came out. Of course I don’t hate you, Fran. But, I also don’t want to get married -
FRAN: (interrupting Craig) Ever?! But, why?!
CRAIG: I didn’t say that. Let me finish. (pauses) I don’t want to get married anytime soon. We’re still in college. Let’s try to graduate and get our bearings in the real world before we talk about stuff like that.
ELI: (mumbles) Hopefully by then you’ll be rid of this psycho.
FRAN: If all of your friends are assholes like Eli, then you won’t have anything to worry about. I don’t think I’d be able to stomach the idea of being with someone who surrounds himself with idiots.
CRAIG: Eli isn’t an idiot. And, aren’t you still overreacting a little bit. Did you hear anything I just said?
FRAN: Sure. You said we won’t ever get married.
ELI: Wait. Did she just -
CRAIG: That’s not what I said. I said we can get married, in the future. But, we should be older and better acclimated with the real world, before we do that.
ELI: I think -
FRAN: There is no future, Craig. It’s 2011. The world is going to end in 2012. We’re all doomed. If we don’t get married RIGHT NOW then it will never happen.
ELI: And, yet I’m the idiot. I happen to have a 4.3 GPA, by the way.
FRAN: Yeah, but you don’t take any real classes. You take nothing but electives. You’re a lazy bum. And, I’m not an idiot. The Mayans -
ELI: The Mayans were an Ancient race that was, for the record, wiped out by invading Europeans. Even if they did have a calendar that went past 2012, maybe those idiots burned it up. Or, maybe the Mayans were working on it before they were invaded.
FRAN: There would at least be a record of -
ELI: Don’t interrupt me. You’re going to miss the most irrefutable part of this argument.
CRAIG: Oh boy. Here we go.
ELI: Maybe the Mayans, in their infinite wisdom, thought, “Gee, Two-Thousand and Twelve is a long time from now. Surely, by then future civilizations will have grasped the concept of writing down the date in a consecutive manner, and keeping the months in order. Surely, they will be intelligent enough to at least grasp that simple concept, and won’t fuck it up and make every day Monday or Wednesday or whatever. Surely, they will grasp the concept of counting to 30 and then starting over”.
(CRAIG and FRAN look at one another as ELI catches his breath)
CRAIG: Can I just say, that is the most logical argument you’ve ever made. Seriously, where did that come from?
FRAN: An article on ‘The Rum’. My favorite internet site ever. I guess even idiots know how to navigate the internet.
ELI: (scoffs) Wrong, again, psycho Vegan. I wrote that article. In fact, I’m the creator of ‘The Rum’. (pauses) Not such an idiot now, am I?
FRAN: No way.
CRAIG: And all this time I thought you were so protective of your computer because you didn’t want me to find your porn collection.
ELI: I wish I had time to watch porn. But, I’m so busy looking up stuff to write about, I don’t have time. Plus, I can’t risk getting a virus and someone hacking my system and stealing my articles.
FRAN: (still in disbelief) I can’t believe you are the creator of ‘The Rum’. The greatest thing to ever happen to the internet was created by (pauses) By a Neanderthal. This completely shatters my world views. I think I’m going to be sick.
ELI: Joke all you want, crazy, but the joke’s on you. You’ve secretly been worshipping me all this time.
FRAN: (gasps) Oh no!
ELI: Oh yes. Oh yes.
CRAIG: Ok. I’m a little confused right now. What are you two going on about?
ELI: Your girlfriend here -
FRAN: Eli, please don’t tell him! Please! I’m begging you! I’ll do anything.
ELI: That wouldn’t be the first time you made that promise to me.
FRAN: Well, if had known it was you -
ELI: But, you didn’t because you’re a giant, assuming ‘holier-than-thou’ asshole who thinks she knows everything.
CRAIG: Alright. First-off, don’t call my girlfriend an asshole. Secondly, what the hell are you guys talking about?
ELI: Well, my friend. Your girlfriend here has been sending me all sorts of fan mail -
FRAN: Oh god.
ELI: Fan mail that has been very (pauses) sexual, in nature.
CRAIG: Sexual? What? This is a joke, right?
FRAN: Yes. It’s just a cruel sick joke. My worst nightmare, come to life.
ELI: Oh, this is no joke. I have proof. I print out every fan letter I receive, should I need to bring it to the police one day. You just never know.
CRAIG: Still hoping some crazy hot girl will stalk you and try to force you to have sex with her?
ELI: I’m halfway there. I’ve got the crazy and the girl parts down (looks over to FRAN) But, I’m still missing the key component of her being hot.
CRAIG: This all sounds too much like a crappy sitcom plotline.
FRAN: That’s because it is. You know Eli. Always trying to pull people’s strings. He’s just joking around. Right, Eli?
(Eli pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his back-pocket. He unfolds it and begins reading)
ELI: (clears throat) Dear writer and editor of ‘The Rum’, I adore you.
FRAN: That could be from anyone.
ELI: Oh, it says your name at the bottom. See (shows Craig the paper)
CRAIG: Wow. I never pictured you as the type to write letters to people unless it was about saving kittens or something.
FRAN: Craig!
ELI: Very nice. I wish I had thought of that.


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Again, it’s not done(which seems to be my major issue with everything I write. *sigh*). Any feedback would be great.

                                                                                                                                                                            ,Mazzus Keesaji