I NEED YOUR HELP! Yes YOU! Random person #8 reading this in Canada and\or Japan(according to Blogger, those are my major non-USA Demo’s. I’m going global bitches!)(also, yes I said and\or, thus leaving open the possibility that someone is in both Canada and Japan simultaneously. I don’t know how it’s happening but you never know, You just never know.)
*EDIT
Just checked blogger. My major demo's are now Russia and The Ukraine. That's pretty intense.
As some(see: all, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve read\tweeted) of you may know, I’m a writer, of sorts. By that I mean, try to be a writer. While my classmates, and teachers, in my English and Lit Classes have all said I am a good writer, I feel I am not(I’m 4’11”. My ego is more fragile than a millimeter thin sheet of glass. What do you want from my life.). And, while they all say that my dialogue is amazing, I think it’s a giant piece of poop.
And, as you can tell by my incredibly catchy and creative title, that’s why you are here. To help me fix it. So, here’s the deal. I’m currently 40-ish pages deep into a story. I want to make sure I’m not wasting my time pushing forward when I need to fix what I already have. So you, yes you(!) will help me. How? By reading, of course! I’m going to post some chunks of dialogue from my story(tentatively titled, ‘Bloody Rose Pt. II’{long story, in regard to the sequel status}). You will not be given an pre-story before hand(although, there may or may not be a bit of that after the dialogue or at the very end of this blog post. I’m going to do this writer-style and see where the arc takes me before I make any executive decisions.). I just want to see how well the dialogue stands on its own, and whether you can get an idea of who these characters truly are, from what they say. I’m going to try to put as little ‘action’ in as possible. All I need you to do is read, and critique. And, if you want to read more, I will gladly let you do so.
Bit of the Disclaimer: Some people will recognize elements of this story. However, it’s OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE to do 2 things: 1 – forget everything you heard. and 2 – realize that 95% of what I’ve written is FICTION. Also, if you feel obligated 3 – realize that I’ve felt like a giant piece of shit for 3 years, and still do, despite the fact that what everyone thinks they know is not what really happened. And, a suggest 4 – Please still read this. And then you can tell me how much you hate it and hate me. It’s a win-win! And a lose-lose for me. What better outcome for this, than those 2 things.
Set I -
"Ok so what are the odds that we all end up dating the same girl. That won't happen right?" Zach asked.
"It better not. That might be a little weird. Us all dating the same girl. If that happens I call Fridays." Aaron said.
"Not what he meant dumbass. He meant us all, at some point in time, having dated the same girl. Kinda like what happened with Erin." Alex said.
"Yeah, except you didn't actually date her you loser."
"And whose fault is that Aaron?"
"Hey man. You didn't have to listen to me." Aaron smirked.
"Yeah, but I did. How was I supposed to know this would happen? And you've killed other chances too, ya ass" Alex said, half smiling.
"Well, one thing we don't have in common with you is Kayla." Aaron said.
"That's not entirely true. If I'm not mistaken you two had a bit of a thing before I got here. Get with the program Zach. You’re slackin’." Alex laughed.
"No. That's all-right with me. I'll leave that one to you guys. Here's an idea. You guys fight to the death for her. Ready, go." The three laughed.
“What’s so funny, guys?” Erin walked over to where the three were with a smile on her face as she watched the three laughing.
“Oh nothing. We’re just having another one of our weird guy talks that you hate so much.” Zach said. Erin rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
“You should probably stop staring. You’ll make Kayla jealous.” Aaron said to Alex.
---
This set is actually at the very beginning of the story. As in, it’s the first dialogue you read. It introduces Alex(the main character) his two closest friends(Aaron, and Zach) and(I feel) their very quirky relationship and this really un-desirable bond they have with one-another(having, all at separate points in time, been involved with the same girl(s)) It also semi-introduces Erin(who plays a HUGE role in the next few chapters) and in a spoken-of way, Kayla(the other ‘main character’ for much of the first half of the story. Don’t worry, she doesn’t die. At least, I don’t think she does.)
Set II -
Anna smiled as she reached Alex. “Hey, I have a question.” Anna said.
“Alright, what is it?” Alex asked.
“You took Physics last year right?”
“Yeah. Why? Dr. Angio being tough on you guys?” Alex asked, smirking.
“Oh god. You have no idea. He is the hardest teacher I've ever had. I hate his class. And I really, really need help. Can you help me? Please?” Anna said, with her hands clasped.
“Alright, alright. What do you need help with? I'll see what I can do.” Alex said.
“I just need help with this lab report we have to do. He has us doing a bunch of weird stuff that I don't know how to explain. I'm so confused.”
“Ok. I did pretty well on my labs, so I should be able to help you out. When is it due?”
“Ummm...tomorrow morning...”
“What the hell Anna...”
“I know. If you can't help then it's ok. I guess I can figure it out on my own.”
“Oh, way to make me feel guilty. You're lucky I was going to agree to help anyways. So, how are we going to do this?”
“I was thinking we just meet up tomorrow morning before school? I have most of the lab done already, but I just need to make sure it's right. And there are some parts that I'm not sure about.” Anna said.
---
First, let me say Anna is as dumb as this makes her appear to be. She is, in reality, one of the smartest characters I’ve ever written. And, no, this isn’t that “pretend to be dumb to you can hang out with hot smart person” bs either. This is called being human. We can’t all understand everything. And, this allows me to perfectly set up the first ‘major-arc’ in the story. The Alex-Anna Conflict(Which, honestly, doesn’t last that long at first.)
Set III -
Aaron sat, with a puzzled look, opposite Alex. The two had just spent the morning recapping their weekends, and Alex made a surprising revelation to his best friend.
“How is it possible that you’ve managed to jump from Erin to Anna to Kayla, then back to Erin and now Anna AND Kayla?” Aaron asked, after moments of silence while he attempted to comprehend what his friend had told him.
“Doesn't matter anymore. Only one that I know that doesn't like me is Kayla. And that can't happen ‘cause she's with that asshole, Chris.” Alex said.
“Wait. I know what happened with Erin, and obvious roadblocks are keeping you and Kayla apart. What happened between you and Anna? Did I miss something?” Aaron asked.
“Oh right, I forgot I hadn’t told you about that yet. So, last night Anna and I were hanging out.”
“You guys went on a date?”
“It was something like that. It started off innocent enough, but then we started talking about stuff and then craziness happened.”
“Dude, you sound like such a girl. What exactly happened?”
“We had a great time. Got to know each other a lot better. And we made out. We literally made out for a half hour. It was epic. And after that I took her home and we sat in my car and talked for a while and then made out in the car. And I thought everything was great between us, but then this morning she text me and said it can’t ever happen again. Didn’t give any reasons for it. She just said it can’t happen again, and I haven’t heard from her since then.” Alex said.
“Harsh. Aaron said.
“Yeah. And, I have no clue what happened. All I know is, last night we were great, and things were on the road to us dating. And now, she won’t even talk to me.” Alex said, the level of frustration rising as he spoke.
“Relax, dude. Anna isn’t a bad chick. I’m sure there is a good explanation behind this. Maybe it’s hormones or something.” Aaron said.
Alex sighed. “I hope not. Because that would mean that it was the hormones that led to all of this happening in the first place. I’d much rather that have been real, and her reaction just be some weird…I don’t know what. If what happened was of her own doing that means it’s more likely that we can find some sort of solution and then this whole thing can be worked out.” Alex thumbed the keypad on his cellphone as he said this. He wanted to call Anna. He’d tried before, but he wanted to keep trying. Maybe she thinks I wasn’t serious about it. Maybe it’s her parents. Maybe it was going too quickly. Maybe…Maybe it’s me. Alex couldn’t seem to find a mute button for his mind, ever since receiving that message from Anna.
---
This set, rather appropriately I feel, opens the 2nd Chapter(of 24). As you can(see: should) be able to tell, the Alex-Anna Conflict has reached a Climax(I’m considering putting one of the moments right before the climax at the end of this blog, just because I think it’s bloody adorable). I re-wrote the first sentence, spoken by Aaron, at least a half-dozen times because I wasn’t sure how to properly word it without making it too wordy. I’m not overly satisfied with this one, truthfully.
*disclaimer: I’m 100% aware that the ‘blame it on the hormones’ thing makes girls want to rage and stab somebody. However, I’m also 100% aware that guys use that at least once a day when a girl does something ‘crazy’.
Set IV -
“Way to not text me back, earlier. Sure know how to make a girl feel unimportant, huh Alex?” Alex looked over his shoulder to see Erin walking towards him.
“Sorry about that. It hasn’t been a good people day.” Alex mumbled, as he continued walking. He knew that he would feel guilty for giving Erin the cold shoulder, but he would worry about that later. He wanted to do everything in his power to avoid having to talk to anyone, especially girls he had feelings for, past or present, tonight.
“Alexander Porter, don’t you dare walk away from me. You turn around right now.” Erin said, frustration apparent in her voice. Alex immediately remembered that Erin wasn’t one to give up a fight easily. He turned around, and looked at her, trying to force a smile. Clearly it wasn’t working. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, or why you’re acting like this. If there’s anything I can do, I’ll help you,” Erin paused, “But, if you ever give me that ‘it’s not a good people day’ crap and walk away from me again, I will kick your ass and never speak to you again. Are we clear?” Erin was, without a doubt, one of the toughest – yet most kindhearted- girls Alex had ever met. And, perhaps this was the reason for his smiling for only the second time that day.
---
One of my favorite moments. Just because I feel like Erin, in this moment, perfectly captures the person she is based off of. The ‘I care about you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take shit from you’ attitude. She’s probably my favorite, (slight spoiler alert..I guess) which is why it hurts my heart later in the story when Alex does what he does.
Set V
“Hey Anna. How are you?” Alex said. A pained look came across his face, as he looked into Anna’s eyes.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I really wish I could explain things, but it would only make it even more complicated if I did.” A tear began rolling down Anna’s cheek as she said this.
“It’s ok Anna. I get it, really.” Alex said, half-smiling.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me not feel like a bitch, but thanks. I really am sorry. It’s just a big complicated mess and I don’t want to drag you into it.” Anna said, attempting a smile. Alex could see that this decision was weighing as heavily on Anna, as it had on him, and it softened him a bit.
“Anna, whatever is going on, I want to help you. Whatever you need me to”
“No, Alex…You can’t. It’s just…I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I’d feel so guilty about it, if you did. I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish things didn’t have to be like this.
---
Resolution of Conflict Arc-I. One of the less enjoyable parts to write, having lived through it and , thus, having to relive it to make sure it was accurate(mostly) to what happened. I have this story of what happened to Anna(which I had to make up) written down just to remind myself that I didn’t make her be a giant asshole for no reason.
Set VI
“So, you broke your finger? That’s awful. You were dumb back then weren’t you.” Kayla said, trying to contain her laughter.
“I don’t see anything at all amusing. You’re an awful friend, ya know that? I was dumb, I know. But you could’ve at least not reminded me about it.” Alex said.
“Oh, get over it. You’re such a cry baby sometimes. And I’m an AMAZING friend, thank you very much!” Kayla proclaimed, pushing Alex away.
“Right, and I’m Prince Albert.” Alex said.
“Oh wow! I didn't know I was in the presence of royalty! It's an honor!”
“You're such a smartass. Chris has corrupted you majorly. You used to be such a sweet girl.”
“What?! Used to be? I still am sweet! I'm the sweetest!! You're such a jerk!” Kayla punched Alex in the arm as she said this.
“Oh, relax. You know I was just kidding, my goodness. No need for violence. You are still kinda sweet.” Alex said, smirking.
“Only kinda?” Kayla asked, batting her eyes.
“Alright, alright. You're very sweet. You're the sweetest person I know.” Alex said.
“That's better!” Kayla proclaimed, smiling.
“You’re still a jerk though. You’re just a very sweet jerk. That’s contradictory, I know, but whatever. Just go with it, ok?” Alex said, smiling.
---
This set skips from the end of Chapter 2, to the middle of Chapter 4(long story.) It’s Kayla and Alex, the 2 main characters for much of this story, together. There’s a ton of backstory behind their relationship, but it’s far too complicated to put into this small a space. Suffice to say, you all should know this story(unfortunately).
Set VII
“Alex, what are you doing here? I thought she was with Chris this morning?” Rein asked.
“She was. His family just left for another vacation, and he couldn’t just strand her so he asked me to pick her up.” Alex said.
Rein gave him a look of suspicion and then spun around. “You better not be screwing up their relationship, Alexander. I won’t be your friend anymore, if you are.” Rein said from down the hallway, before closing her bedroom door.
“Ignore her. She’s just being the over-protective big sister who doesn’t trust guys.” Kayla said, laughing.
Alex smirked. “Well, she should at least trust me. She knows I wouldn’t do anything.” He said.
“Oh really? And why not? Am I not hot enough for you Alexander?” Kayla asked, in a mocking tone.
“That is not at all the problem, and you know it. You are plenty hot for me, I assure you.” Alex said, looking Kayla in the eyes.
“Then what is it?” Kayla asked, calmly.
“Two reasons,” Alex paused. “The first being, the obvious one: Chris and I are friends. I’d hate to do that to him. Even if he is a jerk sometimes.” He said, looking away from Kayla.
“And the second reason?” she asked.
Alex looked into Kayla’s eyes. “You’re far too good to be with someone like me. You deserve somebody way better.” The two sat in silence, looking at one-another.
---
Fun fact about this set(which is from Chapter 5. No worries. I try not to overload my chapters with the same sort of set pieces, unless 1,000% necessary) It’s happened to me twice. Another fun-fact: both times wound up with the girl. A final fun-fact: cheated on by both, thus proving my theory that I wasn’t good enough. *Boom*. In non-personal analysis: this is one of my favorite Alex-Kayla moments. Solely because I know what it means for the both of them.
Set VIII
“What’s up dude? I got your text. Sorry it took so long to call. I was at work.” Aaron said.
“It's cool dude. I was just trying to get your opinion on something.” Alex said
“Alright, well what about?”
“Erin...and Kayla...” Alex said.
“...What?” Aaron said, in a confused tone.
“Well, the thing is I think that Erin and I are getting really close again and we’re starting to hang out a lot and I still kinda like her. But, the way things have been with Kayla lately.”
“Whoa, gotta stop you right there. Kayla, as in Chris’ girlfriend Kayla? The Kayla that you said you definitely weren’t trying to steal from him? That Kayla?” Aaron asked.
“Yes…That Kayla…Well, anyways, things have gotten kind of weird between us.”
“Weird in the bad way or weird in the good way?”
“Weird in the good way. The very, very good way.” Alex said, trying to refrain from smiling.
“So you and Kayla hooked up. But you still want to date Erin. My advice to you: give up on both of them.” Aaron said, smirking.
“Thanks bro. You’re real helpful.” Alex said snidely.
“I’m sorry dude. I just don’t see why this is such a big deal to you. I mean you and Erin already did the dance and it didn’t work out for you, and Kayla is with Chris so she’s off limits. You’re better off just giving up on both of them. You don’t even realize what they’re doing to you. It’s ridiculous.”
---
First off, this never happened. This probably definitely should have happened, but it never did. Secondly(and very much spoiler alerty), this is where you start to see the beginning of a rift grow between Aaron and Alex. Which makes me sad for 2 reasons: 1 – Alex and Aaron has awesome bro-chemistry. 2 – Zach plays a much less important role than Aaron )perhaps by design, since that’s how it worked out with the real people)
Set IX
“Hey bro, what’s up? I was just about to text you.” Alex said, answering his phone.
“Yeah right. You were going to make me wait until tomorrow, asshole. How’d your little date go?” Aaron said, snidely.
“Actually, it went pretty well. We talked, and had a bit of fun too. It was interesting, to say the least.” Alex paused. “Oh, and we made out which is pretty telling of the fact that she’s into the idea of us dating again.” Alex smirked.
“Well then, I guess kudos to you sir. So, what are you going to do about Kayla?” Aaron asked.
Alex sighed, before laughing a bit. “You’re really not going to leave her out of any of this are you?”
“Not until you tell me what you’re going to do about it. Or explain to me why you even started anything with her to begin with.” Aaron said.
“Well, for your information asshole, I’m heading over to see her and end things right now. Does that make you happy?” Alex asked.
“Not quite. I’ll be happy when I know it’s done and you’re no longer out of your effing mind. Thank God for Erin. I’d hate to think how far this crap could’ve gotten if she hadn’t boned you.” Aaron said.
“She didn’t bone me, asshole. And, for the record, nothing has really happened between Kayla and I. We kinda kissed once, but that was it. Other than that, we just hangout a lot. And that’s no big deal, or at least it shouldn’t be.”
---
Another Aaron-Alex set piece. If I didn’t know any better I’d think this story was about their relationship. And, no, this didn’t happen either. Again, probably should have, but it didn’t. You’ll notice that earlier when Anna was speaking I did not capitalize ‘god’, but when Aaron said it, I did. That’s sort of my way of hinting at religious ties of the individual characters. *Boom*? Yeah. I think that deserves a *Boom*
Set X
“Didn’t you say you talked to Erin earlier today? How’d that go?” Kayla asked from behind the bathroom door.
“I did say that, and it went kind of well, I guess. Probably should’ve mentioned this sooner, but she and I are sort of dating now.” Alex said between deep breaths. He could hear that Kayla had stopped moving. He opened his mouth to speak, but paused when he heard a footstep.
“That’s…great. I’m happy for you, Alex.” Kayla said.
Alex could sense the anguish in her voice. “I’m sorry, Kayla. I wanted to tell you sooner. I just…wasn’t sure yet.” Alex paused as Kayla opened the door. He could see the pain on her face, and instantly felt guilty. Kayla, tears beginning to form in her eyes, took a step towards him. She then caressed his cheek, before taking a step closer and kissing him.
Kayla pulled away, and looked Alex in the eyes. “Is that what you weren’t sure about? Whether or not there was something there between us? Because, I’ve known it was there all along. And I think, deep down, you did too. Even when both of us were trying to fight it, I knew. But, given the situation, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to put any effort into this.” Kayla said, as she looked away.
---
I honestly have nothing to say about this. Other than, as with my previous 2, that it never actually happened. I will say that, unlike the past 2, it never should have happened because then I’d have a lot more things to feel guilty about.
Set XI
“Hey baby! How was your day? You miss me?” Erin asked.
“Of course I miss you babe. My day was alright, I guess. But it would have been a lot better if you were here so we could’ve seen each other. You guys are coming home tomorrow right?” Alex said.
“Awww Alex. Yes I will be home tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you! Although, rumor has it you’ve kept busy by hanging out with Kayla almost every day since I left.” Erin said, laughing.
“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out a bit. Chris is out of town, and he always tells me to make sure I take care of her. So we do spend a fairly substantial amount of time together. She’s like my best friend anyways. Well, my best friend minus you of course.” Alex laughed.
“Well that’s good. So, I don’t have anything to worry about right?” Erin asked.
“Of course you have nothing to worry about babe. Kayla and I are just friends. I’m just hanging out with her so much as a favor to Chris. He worries about her when he isn’t here, and he knows he can trust me. You should trust me too. The only girl I want is you. So just hurry up and get home, ok? I miss you.” Alex said softly.
“I know, I know. I do trust you. I just hate being all the way out here while Kayla is there cozying up with my boyfriend. I’m just jealous, I guess. I’m sorry.” Erin said.
“It’s okay. If it were the other way around I would be jealous too.”
---
This set piece bothers me for 3 reasons: 1 – I’m not sure how much of the believability factor is in here. 2 – I feel like Erin’s Character, at least when she’s with Alex, becomes much weaker than she was initially portrayed. Which I guess could be considered natural since some people do change when they’re in a relationship. 3 – I feel like too much is said while, at the same time, not enough is said.
Set XII
“Hey Alex.” Kat said, as he walked closer to where she was standing.
“Hello Katherine. It is a pleasure to see you. I received your communication, and came here as swiftly as I could.” Alex said, faking a British accent.
“Alex, stop talking like that.” Kat said in an annoyed tone.
“Fine, spoil sport. So what’s up?” Alex said, smiling.
“You and Erin is what. She told me about the message you sent to her, and I was there when she sent hers to you. All I have to say is if you screw this up again I will kill you, got me? She is my dearest sister and I refuse to watch her get hurt again, especially by the same guy.” Kat said in a serious tone.
“I promise you, there is absolutely nothing to worry about Kat. I’m not going to do anything to hurt Erin. I made a huge mistake last time, but I’m not going to do it again. And if I do mess up again then I’ll kick my own ass.” Alex said.
“You better mean that. You didn’t see her the night she found out about you and your little secret. She was a mess. I don’t know why she is even going through with this, but she likes you a lot. So, you better take better care of her this time.” Kat said, as she turned to walk away.
---
This is something that I felt was pointlessly necessary. Brings Kat(who will play a HUGE role towards the backend of this one. I can feel it) a bit more into the forefront, and shows how her relationship with Erin is opposite of what the guys have. My only concern is, how much does this, one again, crush the model I built for Erin. Granted, later on, she does return to her ‘normal’ self. I suppose it’s the Alex-Effect that gets to her, as it does Kayla(and others). He changes them in terrible ways. Alex is a giant piece of shit.
Anywho. That’s all I have for you guys, for today. Please, please, share any feedback you have. I greatly appreciate the good and bad. Depending on how this goes, I may d it with my other stories\plays\musicals\etc. Who knows.
If you want to read more of this story, or read any of my other stuff, let me know. I’ve got all kinds of crap that I’ve been working on.
Also, feel free to take guesses on who the characters are based off of. Some are obvious, but some might not be. And there are plenty more that weren’t mention in this, but are in the story, so don’t let that bruise your ego.
,Mazzus Keesaji
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