This one was a long time coming. I've been trying to decide exactly how best to word this entry. it kept making less and less sense, the more I wrote. But, I had an epiphany and realized why that was: I never make sense. That's part of my...charm? Whatever. Point is, that's part of who I am. I'm not supposed to make sense. If I ever start to make sense, then check yourself into an institution because you're officially as bonkers as my crazy ass(and that's no good. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!)
So, in part one we discussed Why I'll kill myself, but not you guys. Wasn't that a fun ride into my insanity? Yeah. You know you're dying to read part 2. And, what that will cover is this: Why my aversion to people, and over-all lack of social skills, makes me the best-worst friend you've ever had, but neither of us will ever admit it.("sheesh, TJ, already with the not making any goddamn sense. This is ridiculous. *RageQuit*")
The Theory
It's simple: I'm not a people person. And, because I'm not a people person, I don't like people and people naturally don't like me. That's the way this game works.
I wasn't always this way. I used to love people. But, then people started to change. And, the way people were changing forced a change in me. A change that I wasn't really...how do I put this...I wasn't surprised by this change in myself. I was more surprised that it happened so early, I guess. Even when I was younger, and actually did like people and being social, I was still a relatively solitary person. I liked people a lot more, back then, than I do now. If young TJ had been in the situation that 22 year old TJ was in today(I hate my life. You're not supposed to dwell on the past, but goddammit I am dwelling on this one. That was just...I failed so hardcore. Life is not my best subject. god-fucking-dammit. I hate everything), it would have gone a lot differently. But, that's how people have effected me. They've forced a change in me, a change that has it's upside but a SEVERE downside. And, unfortunately, it's a change that isn't all that easy to undo.(you fuckers. thanks a-fucking-lot.)
Being able to keep yo myself and not have to worry about people and their nonsense, on those days when I really don't want to deal with it, is EFFING FANTASTIC. But, on those days when I actually like people and want to talk to them, this is AN GODDAMN NIGHTMARE.
Why is it a nightmare?
The Reasons
Think back to all of the conversations you and I have had. Try to remember how incredibly one-sided they often were. There was always either a lot of me talking, or very little of me talking. I'd either be pushing the conversation forward, or merely adding my two-cents whenever I felt it was necessary. There is no middle ground with me. This is due to a major flaw in my "solitary" nature: Whenever I do want to talk to people, and not have it be a huge emotional mess, it's nearly-effing-impossible because that's just something I don't do. I don't do it too often, so i don't have enough practice at normal people everyday talk. Sure, I listen to people, but just because you watched a World Class Pianist play insanely hard music doesn't mean you can regurgitate it on the spot. That's not how it works. Everything in life requires practice(as a musician, how many times have we heard this analogy? Even outside of music-related things. My Psych teacher says it all the time. "You have to study and memorize this stuff the same way you'd practice an instrument to get better at it." a total lie, in my case, since I got an 80 on my first time, and didn't study, and totally aced this last one which I didn't study for. But, that's neither here-nor-there.)So, my lack of practice greatly hinders my ability to handle everyday conversation. But, dammit, you mention drumline\band stuff and I'll never effing shut up. Why? It's my natural element. The people I talk to most are music people. I love what I do so I like to talk about it. People who don't know about it, ask me about it. 1+1+1= me talking uncontrollably and looking like a giant goddamn band-geek. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Your Side of The Story
"If someone messages you their life story, you don't fucking shoot them down.You're even lucky someone cares enough to share that kind of story with you. Also, your opinion is not everyone else's. That was bitchy. Grow up and shut your mouth."
^Kelly Dress in response to what someone else said regarding my mass message life story on fb. November 17th, 2009. Proof why she is one of my best friends ever.
There are people that I love, and that love me back. There are people that are awesome, and that think I'm awesome. And it BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND.
Apparently it goes like this: My 'I want people to leave me alone' defense-mechanism is what actually draws them to me. They see "mute, short black guy" and get some sort of weird sexual satisfaction out of trying to get me to talk and be their friend(I feel so used). But, then they realize how terrible of an idea that is. I'm a shitty person, 85% of the time. That other 15% I'm effing boss, and I make all your other friends look like giant douchebags. The trouble is, that it takes quite a while for me to be that awesome version of me. Until then, I'm nothing but a pain-in-the-ass. And a huge one at that. It's pretty awful, really. And, because of that, it takes very little for people to get sick of me. But, I sometimes lack to human skills necessary to give a crap. So, it just keeps coming.
We Terrify Each Other
In the end it comes down to this: You guys are afraid of me, because you think I'll kill you due to my lack of talking, and because you realize that I'm legitimately insane and therefore a threat to myself and everyone around me. More-so a burden to you guys, than a threat.
And, I am bloody petrified of you. I'll never admit it in person, and I'll probably deny even typing this, but people scare me to death. The idea of people scares me. The idea of needing you guys, wanting to be involved with anything you do, that scares me to death.
I'd love to be a normal person. I'd love to be able to have normal conversations, and not have my mind over analyzing every last word, and sound. I'd love to be normal. But, I'm not. I'm me. And I suck.
As always, don't expect any of this to make much sense. It's not entirely for your sake. This is helps me get ridiculous thoughts out of my poor, already damaged, mind. Basically, I'll be surprised if more than 10% of this wasn't just "blahblahblahblahblahblahRAMBLEblahARGHblahblahOHNOOOblahblahblahRAMBLERAMBLEBITCHMOANGRRRARGHblahblahFUCKINGBLAH" to you guys.
,Mazzus
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