2011? lolwut?!
Been a long time since I posted a blog. Been so focused on writing 140-character Gold , and working on my 75 different stories(not an exact number, but I imagine it's somewhere in that area. I've got 3MB of data taken up just from stories I've written/started writing(I was actually just working on one, but decided to try to write a blog post instead. I'm a pro-style procrastinator. My skills are legendary.)).
I figure very few are reading this considering my last blog post was about Me Not Having Any 'Real' Friends, so this is basically just me talking to myself. Which is okay, because I do that every day anyways. Only this is vie typing, whereas usually I talk to myself out loud.(I've probably only got a few minutes until somebody reads this, thinks I'm even crazier than everybody thinks I am(which, I am) and I get sent to a crazy-house. Whoo-hoo. Meds and Slop while I sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and talk about why I'm crazy. I look forward to that so intently). I probably lost a lot of you when I stopped writing as often as I used to. I went from 56 posts in '08, to 35 in '09, to a whopping 7 last year. I guess, I just didn't have much to say. Well, that's not true. I was just worried about what people would think when they read what I had to say. I've never been one to talk about rainbow's and ponies and what not ('contrary to popular belief the sky isn't blue, daisies don't bloom 24/7 and you're a bitch' LOL. I miss Drew. Good times with Evenflow) so it would make sense that people wouldn't read what I wrote(quick factoid: most of my novel-writing is the exact opposite of what I blog about. Just an FYI. If/when I get published, please buy my book(s). I need food too, ya know).
I was talking to one of my few remaining close friends earlier tonight, and I was reminded of just how much I missed marching band. Doing the Atlanta Falcons Drumline has been a HUGE thrill, and it's been a ton of fun. I love getting to go to NFL Games and play bass drum for hours and hours and watch the game, and the cheerleaders. (mmmmmm cheerleaders...huh? oh right.) Football! - anywho - AFDL is awesomeepicfun, but it's not the same. I miss show days, I miss those hot ass uniforms, I miss the bus rides, I miss the met, I miss dutting, I miss yelling at people and telling them to STFU during practice, I miss the staff. But, most of all, I miss walking out onto that field and performing for x-amount of time and showing people why I spent the vast majority of my summer at school and why I'm at school as long as the teachers are Tuesdays and Thursdays, and why I show up at 7AM Saturday morning. I miss that feeling of the first downbeat, dutting into the basses entrance, the visuals, the drill, that damn pain in my knee's everytime we got off the field(still have that, but it's not the same. I felt accomplished back then. Now, it's just really annoying pain without the accomplishment. 10,000 curses, Arthritis! TEN-THOUSAND CURSES!!!!). I miss it all. I want to march CorpsVets someday. But I know I can't anytime soon. Too much to do right now. And, as much as I love it, teching just isn't the same as performing. I love that sense of pride I get when the kids get something right, and when they destroy that lick they just learned this week. But, it's not the same feeling as being on the field and playing that lick. Also, yelling "shut-up" and people listening is a pretty sweet gig. But, I miss being in band. I miss it all.
And then there are my moments where I legitimately worry myself. My rage has gotten out of control. My depression is reaching that point as well. At what point do I just say, "eff it, I really need help." Is it before or after I've been put in the hospital for cutting myself and nearly bleeding to death? Or do I wait until somebody pushes me too far and I lose my shit and go on a rampage? How awful is it that I actually have moments where I have to stop myself from actually doing those things? This whole hyper-sensative thing is a load of poo. Can I trade this in for a different superpower? At least let me be able to move shit with my mind, or something. Sheesh. I'm all crazy, without the superpowers. Could've at least let me borrow a super brain or something. I fear for myself, and for everyone else. My breaking point is so close, and I know it. But, does anybody actually listen to me? Course not. I apparently already used my "I'm stressed out, and losing my mind" card. No more for me. I just have to sack up and deal with it...And, yet, they wonder why it is that I lash out the way I do. I lock myself in this room, away from everyone else, for YOUR sake. Not my own. Well, for my own as well, but also for yours. It isn't safe. It's never safe. We can only hope I don't lose it in a public place.(yay college...)
I leave you with a quote from one of my stories:
"How quickly the tide turns. One moment it's taking you home to your family, the next it's making sure you'll never see them again."
,Mottekuru no Kaosu
Mazzus Keesaji
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