I was thinking about my heart tonight. How much it's hurt the past couple years. Not just in the emotional sense, but in the real physical sense. And I began thinking about all of the different responses to my saying "I don't want to find out what my exact expiration date is".
That's interesting for someone who's tried to kill them-self right? Not wanting to know when they'll die. Most of us couldn't give 2 shits about that. We want it to be over with. Doesn't matter when, it just isn't happening soon enough. I guess, I don't want to know because I'd rather it be on my own terms. I'd rather, either have it end by my own hand or have it end after I've done everything I've dreamt of doing.
And this inner-discussion led me to a rather depressing realization: I have no friends.
To the 2 or 3 of you reading this you're thinking "Well, TJ is a jerk. I thought we were friends, but apparently not. Whatever." To you I say, I'm sorry.
I suppose in a way I have friends, but I wonder if I have any 'real' friends.
*this is the part where I get really introspective and make absolutely no sense.
I wonder this, not because I doubt who you guys are, but I doubt who I am. It's rather difficult for people to know you if you, yourself, do not know you. And I realized that I really don't know myself. Outside of music, I'm...nothing...And, really, that can be even further minimized: outside of marching band, I'm nothing...So often, my life feels like it has no meaning. Like I've reached my limit. Like I'm going nowhere. The ever-present 'one step forward-two steps back' ideology.
My second reason for thinking this is that, I can't have real friends if none of you have met the real me.
I've so many personae: different faces that I put on for different situations. I wonder if this is a normal human defense mechanism, or is it just one of my weird things that I do because I don't know how I'm supposed to act around people. I am the definition of socially awkward. I've spent all of my life blaming the people of my past, the assholes who never ceased to remind me that I didn't fit in with the normal crowd. But, in reality, as hard as they were on me, I judged myself 1,000x's harder. Maybe it's because I knew that I didn't fit in, that I wasn't normal. Whatever the reason was, or rather is, I would always hold a massive portion of myself back. Truth is, I don't know why. I just do it. I don't trust people with myself, and I don't trust myself with people. The real me remains a mystery, perhaps for that very reason. Because I've kept the real me hidden, even I have forgotten who I really am. Because of that I have friends who don't care, and a family that I resent for unknown reasons. The last person I had real live feelings for, probably thinks I'm shit and hasn't spoken to me in a year+. And, for all intents and purposes, she should. Maybe I am. Who knows? I don't even know at this point. I said I let her in and let her see the real me, but I don't really know who it was that she was with. I remember it all, but I feel like I wasn't really living it. Like it was me watching through the eyes of someone else.
If any argument is made to counter this, I imagine the main one will be "we like you, and even if you don't know the real you we do." or something along those lines.
I suppose it's easier to see from the outside looking in. But, then again, isn't making that assumption how most people end up in crappy situations. And, let's be honest here, I'm not exactly an easy person to be friends with. And sometimes I think I make it difficult on purpose. Perhaps, since my subconscious doesn't see what others do, the obvious assumption is made that people are friends with me out of pity or so they can mock me behind my back.
But maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe this is how everybody feels. Maybe they have these same doubt and fears about themselves. Maybe the world just has a better coping mechanism than to shut down in fear. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to set up more than just an appointment with a doctor to check on my heart.
I have a feeling that I left a lot out of this post. I probably, unbeknownst to myself, intentionally distracted myself at parts where I wanted to say something I wasn't ready for people to know and lost my train of thought as a result. This will no doubt be revisited eventually...
,Rosuto Reikon
Mazzus Keesaji
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