This is another one of those times where a crazy dream/moment I had spurred a mental debate with myself.
Today's topic: The Difference between the Quiet Kids that Kill Everybody and the Quiet Kids that Kill Themselves. Pt. I(possibly of 3-4, but definitely 2)
For the past 8, give or take, years this is how my life has been at school: I seclude myself, try to avoid any sort of interaction with others that isn't involved with band, and let others go about their own lives. And, for that same period of time, everyone has said the exact same thing in every class: 'T.J. is that quiet kid that's going to snap one day and kill us all.'
While it is true that I have had my moments where I've wanted to stab everybody in their faces, I'm not really that kid.
There's a difference between me and that kid. Actually, there are a few differences. Similarities as well, but it's those differences that determine whether it'll be a massacre or just one victim.
Often time the people like me have 2 major things in common: We're different from everybody else, and Everybody else has made sure that we knew that for the entirety of our natural lives.
Some people call it bullying. Some call it 'kids being kids'. I call it 'step one to creating the mindset of someone who isn't afraid to take life(whether that life be that of someone else or their own).
It's common belief that this process, both the reason for the bullying and the bullying itself, is what makes the difference between suicidal kids(here on referred to as Type B) and 'school shooters'(here on referred to as Type A). I don't think that's completely the case. I believe it has more to do with the person.
The commonality between us and them is the feeling that "I've had enough, and something has to be done to end this b.s.". And it is this, the moment where we break, that leads down one path or the other. The moment where the rage and pain maximizes to a point where we reach a corner that, once we turn, there is no going back(which, I believe, is partly why 70 or so percent of these kids ALL end up killing themselves. But that's something for later.).
When it comes to Type A's their mind registers the thought that 'people won't leave me alone, unless I make them leave me alone. And since keeping my distance isn't doing the trick, maybe making them go away will do it.'
Whereas, with Type B's, it's more of a 'I just want to be left alone. People act as though they won't care if I'm gone so I'll just die so that I can be left alone forever.'
The greatest damage done by any bully is the creation of the mindset, in the victim, that they don't belong. That is the common trigger. We all feel that, for some reason or another, we don't belong here. Whether it be that we have a goofy laugh, we're chubby, we talk with a stutter, or we're not normal physically(I don't know statistics as far as 'short' vs. 'tall', but I'm assuming the former has more cases of being one of type B where as the latter is more prone to being one of Type A.)
In my opinion, the ones who turn the corner and become Type A's, feel that by eliminating those who treat them like they don't belong, they will be able to create a place where they finally belong. A place where they have the power, and no one would dare oppose them. Even if it's only for a few moments(because, as I said, they do often end up dipping into our end of the pool when it's all said and done), they're finally in a world where they feel safe and it's like they belong.
Conversely, Type B's more often than not feel that the world is better left behind. We've spent the vast majority of our lives being told that we don't belong, so why not just give everybody what they want and leave. Hopelessness is the common term associated with this mindset. The belief that all hope is lost.
When Type A's choose to take action, they're usually not too organized. There are cases where they have meticulously planned out every last detail as much as possible. But, usually, it's as simple as having a major stresser that causes their anger to boil over. This leads to the decision that the people who have hurt them have to pay. It is actually more common that these kids are the ones that are looking for some sort of recognition from others. They keep to themselves, but in reality they want to have someone notice them. More often than not, Type A's desire the attention of several people. This is why they choose the all-encompassing act of staging a shooting and outwardly attacking others. They just want attention that doesn't revolve around others making them feel like life isn't meant for them because of how different they are.
Type B's on the other hand have no true set 'time line'. At any moment, once they get that seed of self-hatred planted, they could try to end it all. That's why suicide has such a broad age-range. Whereas the key emotion in our gun-toting brethren is anger, the key emotion for Type B's is most often sadness(although, that is not often the case. There have been some cases were people kill themselves as a sort of 'vengeance' on those who have hurt them. They want those people to live through the "I'm dying because of you" pain. This actually can be directly related to HOW the Type B goes about the act of committing suicide as well. That's a subject for later though.). There are some who say that Type B's are more often the ones who desire attention from others, hence the 'drama' of suicide. In some cases this is correct. The act of suicide is far more singular and personal, than that of a mass shooting. And, there is usually a note that accompanies the suicide that, in and of itself, directly links one(or ,in some cases, many) people to the person.
There are very few ways to tell the difference between Type A's and Type B's. They look the same to everybody. They behave the same, as far as most people can tell. If I lined up 5 Type A's and 5 Type B's nobody would be able to tell me which kids are the ones that will take a gun and shoot others from the kids that would take a gun and shoot themselves.
Some psychologists think that the more aggressive ones are most likely to turn into Type A's. That's sometimes true, but they often tend to become bullies themselves. They'll try to assimilate into the normal crowd after realizing that they can do so by attacking 'their own kind'(and occasionally sacrificing themselves for the sake of the others amusement). And there are cases of Type B's who are relatively aggressive(for someone with the given widely accepted personality type), yet they end up taking their anger and aggression out on themselves(I am a prime example of this 'Type-AB', as it were. I also know a handful of them as well.).
I believe that, what it boils down to is this: how/why they're being attacked.
The best, and my new favorite, example I can think of for Type A's is Dr. Reid. Not just him but the kid he saves in Season 2(I think). The "I'm smarter than all of you assholes, but I'm somehow picked on BECAUSE of that so I'm gonna eff ya'll up" kid. These kids know for fact that they are superior to everyone. And they know that, if anybody deserves to live it's them. Because they feel the pain of being attacked by others, and have this knowledge that they are superior, they feel that they need to get rid of the people who are doing harm to them.
There are Type B's who are the polar opposite of that specific Type A. Those kids who might be slower than everybody else, and might not be able to completely comprehend everything that is going on. They'll feel like the ultimate outcast. Everyone will think of them as inferior, and they'll feel like nobody wants them around. They already feel powerless because of their lack of ability to understand what everyone else does, so they'll choose to make an 'early exit' and escape from the torture of life.
If this doesn't make sense to you then you might want to wait until Pt. II. Unless you're completely utterly confused, in which case don't bother. It won't help make sense of things. But, then again, nothing I say is supposed to make sense to anybody but me. These crazy theories are all formulated in my crazy mind.
,Mazzus
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