I'm like the U.S. olympic basketball team...

It took 4 weeks and a kickass vacation for me to finally get some fucking sense...I spent all this time regretting leaving that I forgot why it was that I decided to leave in the first place. I lost focus. I forget what I was supposed to do. I forgot what I promised myself...No more whining abut the past...that's all said and done...It's all overwith now, and I cant do anything more about it...Who knows for sure what all I left behind...There was still some uncharted area left to cover...But there us some stuff that I'm insanely glad I left behind...just too much pain...plus I owed that much to her...But I'm here on a mission...And I can't achieve that mission by wishing I were still there...So enough with the moaping around bull-shit...


driving from Georgia to Florida with an armada of friends at like 11 at night...getting so drunk it's beyond ridiculous...waking up at 11am and randomly deciding to go to the beach, all 31 of us...meeting some random hot girls, which is always fun...assymilating 12-15(don't remember for sure) of those hot girls into our group of 31 to go watch some college football!!!(I fucking love this time of year) then 14 guys and girls going golfin for a couple hours. "Fore!!" "Head!!". fkn intensity. who the fck ever thought of team golfing? eh whatever, my team one(blow me J-Ro!!!)...going back to watch more college football...listening to J-Ro take something of value from 2 of those random girls( not exactly enjoyable, but pretty friggin hilarious..."do you even know what the hell your doing?" "OMFG, just stop. just lay there and look cute, I'll handle this. goddamn teenagers don't even know the basics now-a-days")...and then capping off the night by going fishing with 2 of my 3 'brothers'(I have a big family ok. so sue me...lol) while the 3rd flies to New Jersey to steal another one(...although this doesn't technically count since...yeah...so we're all good. you two kids have fun...)...Spending the bulk of the morning with my new buddie Amy, and then smoking everybody in the race home...Great fkn weekend no? Just barely misses etching out Zach's Grad Party as the best weekend of this year...

That's what 3-day weekend are for...And then I come home to find my fantasy football team is STACKED!!! I wasn't even there for the draft and I have an armade of badasses on my team...I'm taking both leagues this year...BYAHHH!!!!

Life will be good dammit...it has to be...no longer an option for it to be bad or good...


,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu
Mazzus Keesaji

Into the Darkness

Into the darkness we go

When we'll come out, I don't know

But it won't matter

Cause we'll be together

So everything will be alright

Into the darkness we go

When it will end, I don't know

So please stop asking

So we can stop fighting

And we can go back to the light

Into the darkness I go

Now I am all alone

I made a mistake

And there are no re-takes

So I've lost the one that I love

Into the darkness I go

Trapped in this shit all alone

She left me for dead

Even though I begged

For her to forgive me and come home

Into the darkness I go

Here I will die all alone

I told a white lie

And now I will die

Because she is gone for good...

It's kinda funny that this happened. First me, then Nick...Thank god J-Ro doesn't know her...But, it's just funny that it happened. And it's not just that it happened, but how it happened...That too makes me laugh a bit...It's like she just recycled what happened between us and crammed it into a week...It's kinda fkd up that it happened this week though. After what happened Tuesday...wow...Granted he did walk into this one. And, from what I saw and heard, things were going smoothly. But then, out of nowhere, she snipes the shit out of him while he's floating on cloud nine. Just like she did to me...Ain't that some shit...

Into the darkness I go

I've fought through life on my own

I push you away

I don't want you to stay

Because I only want her in my life

Into the darkness I go

I live and die by the code

That love conquers all

And every wall will fall

If, behind it, your love awaits

Into the darkness I go

When I'll get out I don't know

Perhaps when she saves me

But that's just a maybe

So I'll probably die here alone

Into the darkness I go

Into the darkness I go

My life is hell

And, only time will tell

If I make it through the night

So...she's now joined the 'exclusive' club Nick and I like to call 'the professional heartbreakers'. Oddly enough that group added 2 members this week. After the whole Sarah fiasco this week, she was placed into the club, and now Brittany is in it too...How funny is that...There's now 5 people in that group. Erin, Alex, Asia, Sarah, and Brittany...Let's hope that group doesn't get any larger...Besides the fact that it's just awkward that we're able to make that group(by now you should know what the criteria is for me included in it. if not, you're slow oh you still don't know that much about my past...)It is kinda getting annoying having to even consider people for the group...Oh! Wait! It's 6...Kara also is in that group...definitely definitely Kara...Hell she might dethrone Alex as the queen...That was just...complete utter grade A bullshit, what she put us through...

I love the Safari browser...Just thought I'd mention that...It's so great...Pretty much the best browser EVER...And this is coming from a Firefox guy...I love my Firefox, but I love love love Safari...

I hate this so much...I'm still... ...after all this hell...after everything that's gone on...after what was said...I still fucking love her...what is wrong with me...why am I so fucking stupid...

,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu

Mazzus Keesaji

Can I Be Honest..?

I'm still fucking in love with her...I think deep down we all knew it but didn't want to accept it or admit that I was in denial...But the truth of the matter is I'm fucking in love with her still. And I probably always will be...Usually at this point I say, 'unfortunately' and then ramble about other stuff...But I don't know what else to talk about...I still fucking love her...

And I'm so happy that things didn't work out between her and Nick. I would've died...pretty much on the spot. Just found the nearest building and jumped off of it. Or found the nearest rope and hung myself...The girl I love and my bestfriend of 13 years...fucking shit...Just the thought of that made me sick...

And it's scary that it almost happened. I said it was ok that they go through with it...I put them and their happiness before my own...I was willing to suffer and see them together because I knew they're be happy...Thank god that didn't work out because I wouldve killed myself...

I'm still in love with her...Always have been...Always will be...Unfortunately...

,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu

Mazzus Keesaji

...Thanks Katie, love you too...

F..U..C..K..I..N..G..B..U..L..L..S..H..I..T..
That's what this is. Goddamn fucking bullshit times fucking infinity. You...FUCK!! I'm so pissed off right now...Fucking FUCK!!!
Of all the people...I expected to hear that from her more so than you...
but whatever...You have photographic evidence now. Happy? Or am I still lieng?

84.7? fkn kidding me? 84.7?! FUCK!! One day I'm just gonna write the shittiest drill ever and get like a 93 and I'm gonna kill everybody because I'm gonna be so pissed. It took me forever to write that show. It took me,like 4 days to write Volcanus. And Volcanus is definitely not as good as any of the last few shows Ive written...A RD, Toe Fungus, Viral, Exodus Four. Those shows all kicked the crap out of Volcanus. Especially A RD and Exodus Four...This is fucking bullshit too...

I think that's the main theme of this blog: fucking bullshit...

My life as of late: fucking bullshit
Nick's life: fucking bullshit

That was kinda funny though. I dunno if its the alcohol or what but we managed to have a good laugh about it. She wanted to seek retribution for what she did to me so she's going to leave him and take Anthony and their unborn kid and move to Tennessee with her sister Rein...That fkn retarded whoreslutbitch(I don't say that about any girl unless it's 100% true and I know it for fact. In this case, I do from first hand experience...or rather right hand experience...l o fkn l. This is what happenes when Nick and I hang out...bad bad bad things. lol such a dbag. lol)
Fucking fuck man

I AM THE LAW

'The death penalty is totally badass'
'hellafuckinballstothewallsawesome'

I fkn love The Onion

And Sean said he wouldn't bomb the shit out of me and nick so we're all good now. I think he secretly still hates me, but whatevs...i'm too drunk, depressed, and tired to give a shiot...

Marryin a biotch!! Havin seven kiods!!!

Byahhhhh!!

America!! FUCK YEAH!! JERE TO SAVE THE MOTHER FUCKIN DAY YEAH!!! AMERICA!! FUCK YEAH!!! FREEDOM IS THE ONLY WAY!!!!

Ok. we're goin top watch Onion news and then get even more drunk. and then pass out...FUCK YEAH!!!!

,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu
Mazzus Keesaji
I'm so fkn wasted...it's great

Carolina Crown(Teal Sound) or Odyssey(Atlanta Quest/Pariah), Writing drumline books, being bored 24/7, and finally seeing Chelsea

I'm going in reverse order

FKN 2 YEARS!!!! That's how long it had been until today. 2 years ago was the last time I got to see my besterestest friend Chelsea. And that hour today was probably the most I've smiled in the 3 weeks I've been down here. I miss that whore...We're gonna need to not make sure there are 2 years inbetween our next time seeing each other. K? K, great. lol

So, aside from learning German and writing drumline books, I have absolutely nothing to do everday. Online classes and that's pretty much it. Tech on Tuesday's, Football games starting this week, and that's all. I'm fkn bored as hell...

So I'm writing like 4 different books at once. It's reall funny because i have to try and keep each show separate from one another and give each their own identity because none of the themes ever closely resemble each other.

So I'm torn. I don't know if I want to just take the winter off and do DCI(Carolina Crown or Teal Sound) or do WGI and then try out for DCI next year, OR do both. No matter what I'm pretty much guaranteed to have a kick ass time, even if I don't make it. I really just want to march, but if I don't make it I know it'd be a great experience going through the process anyways. And then the next time I'll work 500 times harder and make it. But The thing is, I don't know which one i want. If i had to choose I'd probably want to do Crown more than I would Odyssey. But I would rather do WGI than DCI...Yeah I dunno either...it's weird...just like me...Well I think I have a couple months before I have to make a final decision...Teal Sound's Atlanta audition in December 2nd...I hope to find out soon when Crown and OPT have auditions. Pariah has auditions October 26th, November 22nd, and November 23rd. No clue when Quest has auditions...

So my big brother Nick is going through a rough time right now. The love of his life is leaving and wants him to stay out of her life for a while so she can think things through. So now we're just gonna get wasted pretty much everynight from now until that happens. If we don't die of alcohol poisoning first...lol...good times with 'the family'

,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu
Mazzus Keesaji

What if it all were a lie?

What would you do if everything was a lie? If everything you knew was just a lie. If everyone that you thought cared about you were actually lieng to you. If the memories, good and bad, were all just lies. What if everything was a lie?

Losing a war you never actually got to fight...Now THAT sucks...
That's what I'm dealing with right now...losing a war that I never got to fight...getting my ass kicked out of the country before my first troop set fet on the ground...And what makes it even worse...I keep wondering, 'what if'...Those 2 damn words put me through so much fkn hell. I can't stand it...but I guess that's what happenes when your fucking retarded like I am...

Only an idiot like me...Only an idiot like me...

It never really stuck until tonight...I didn't really want to believe it I guess...I guess I 'knew' that it was going to end soon and then things would be great. Everything would start to come together and I'd finally be happy...but tonight has made that dream seem even less likely...And I hate it...

Cause when you are with me
I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others, We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My Sacrafice

Creed was one of my first favorite bands. Of course, this was back in those days when I was a good Christian boy and knew the Bible inside and out and loved going to church and wanted to be just like my daddy...Needless to say, I've gone off of that path...Wayyyyyy off that path...

I suppose this was my sacrafice...this move was my sacrafice...My chance at being happy again sacraficed for anothers happiness...To this very second I wish I cared more about myself...But no...
Don't get me wrong. In all honesty, I'm happy for you...BUT...

But know that I'd sacrifice everything if it would give you happiness. Even my own happiness

I love the shine in your eyes
If, only just for any moment
Girl Id be satisfied
If I could only, touch your cheek
Baby that's all I need
To make my life complete
Cause girl I could make you smile
If you knew that I was here
Wishing I could just be your tear

Tim Mcgraw. Definitely one of the most amazing musicians ever. And such a great song

Just like the crow chasing the butterfly
And your eyes lost in the summer sky
When you and I were gettin high, as outer space
I never thought you would slip away
I guess I was just alittle too late

Shinedown once again sums it all up...The Crow & The Butterfly. My favorite song off the new cd.

I suppose all that's left to say is that I'm fkn retarded(we all knew that already) and I'm starting to question whether I should've left or not...
It's been hell since I left...And it looks to get worse...
well...today will be wonderful because I'll get to see CHELSEA!!!!!
But after that things will undoubtedly go down hill, thus sending me into another suicidal panic and then we'll just end up back where we were last week. Except I don't think I'll have a phone this time. My phone is being gay now...and if that happens...you're all kind shit out of luck...and I'm pretty much already dead except for the actual being dead part...

,Ataenushi no Aka Ro-Zu
Mazzus Keesaji

for in the end, it comes down to one simple thing. How much are you willing to suffer to achieve your goal. Are you willing to die for what you believe in and what you desire more than anything in the world? If you are, then you may already have what you seek. You may already have happiness...You just have to realize it for yourself...

It's not a love story. It's the dark story of what happens when an idiot falls in love. The sad story of what happens when you forget that the person you love is just as human as you are...It's a beautified auto-biography...Fictional Fact

And...in the end...we will just fade to nothing...

Control

more often than not i wonder why it is that I have semingly no control over myself. I wonder why it is that I don't know what I'm doing, yet the rest of me knows exactly what is going on. It's like I'm watching my own life...I don't get to live it, I just get to watch...It's like everything is already planned out for me, and I'm just responsible for making sure I'm in the right, or wrong(usually the wrong) place at the right,or wrong(again, usually wrong) time...It's as if I'm just here...but not really here...Well...whatever...neways

It's been a rough week. A really rough week. But that's probably because I hadn't planned on making it through this week after Monday night...But, as we all see, I am still here...unfortunately...

It's not really a big surprise to me that things fell apart. I'm starting to get used to it. I've almost beocme accustomed to having the happiness taken from me as soon as I get it...So much so that I now have started to expect just that to happen. The tricky part is, I never know exactly when it will happen. Thats the one crazy thing. Sometimes it's a week, sometimes it's 8 and a half months...But the point is it always happens...

And I'm staring down the barrel of a foutry-five
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a fourty-five

Such a great song. Shinedown is such a great band. I love just about every single song they've ever made. They're just amazing

That song, by the way, was definitely me Tuesday night...

But I suppose I'm now obligated to be here, until February anyways...since I made promises to 3 people...So I really have no say in the matter...I'm here whether I wanna be or not...Well...actually...I rarely ever talk to 2 of them now-a-days so I guess they wouldn't really notice...And the other..well...I dunno yet. We will see how that turns out in a week or so...

less than 5 months from now, I'll be friggin 20...that's a scary thought...a really scary thought...seems like being 18 was over before I knew it and now being 19 is seemingly the same way...I need to make things slow down a.s.a.p. Before I know it I'll be dead and will feel like I only lived half of my life...

I don't wanna live, to waste another day
underneath the shadow of mistakes i've made
Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside
I don't wanna fall, and say I lost it all
Cause baby there's a prt of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind...
And I feel like i'm breaking inside...


Another great song by Shinedown...off the new cd which is amazingly awesome...

I think I have padhands now...I haven't touched a real drum in...god it's been forever...I've been playing on pads pretty much since the last time I was at an R.V. practice...By the way, the heavyhitter basspad is the greatest invention pretty much ever...just incase you were wondering...but it still doesn't compare to the real thing...

Dacula v. Mill Creek next weekend!!!!!! Fuck yeah man...we're gonna get slaughtered. It'll be just like the good 'ol days at R.V. lol

Gwinnett exhibition is in exactly one month(September 22nd)That's gonna be fun...I'm interested to see how the programs have changed in the 2 years I've been gone...

And now i'm just rambling about nothing. I ran out of material like 3 hours ago. lol...

funeral is next week I think...of course I don't think I'll be too welcome there seeing as how it was 'my fault' she killed herself...hooray suicide...

,Tenshi no Umarekawari
Mazzus Keesaji

Everyone has to go eventualy...right?

that's the thing people usually say when someone dies...It's never really been helpful...not to me anyway...
especially in situations like now...there is a difference between going, and leaving...Dieng because some drunk idiot hit rammed into your car is going. Dieng because your heart copped out on you is going. Dieng because your an idiot and didn't take care of your body, well that's debateable but I'll just say it's going. ramming your car into a tree on purpose is leaving. Taking too many pills that you shouldn't take is leaving. jumping off a building is leaving...
And you leaving is not how this was supposed to end...Things were going to fix themselves in your life. You just chose to be stupid. You chose to act like me. It's amazing how you can go from being so happy and enjoying every second of the night to calling 2 minutes before you leave to say what you did...It's painful knowing that's the last thing you'll ever say to me...Those are the last words...Thanks for that...but I suppose that does best sum up how things were between us...
This is the 8th person that has left...9 fucking people have killed themselves...1 outright blamed me, and one suggested that it was my fault...1 was like a brother to me. Another was probably the one of the most important people I've ever had in my life...The other 5? Well one of them was relatively close to me. there was the possibility of them being extremely close, but then they left...Another was...well it's complicated...The other 3 weren't that close, but that doesn't make it hurt any less...
And that's just the people that left. I won't even get started with the list of people who 'had' to go...
It sucks...alot...
And I'm not really enjoying this drifting apart thing either. It rather sucks...alot...alot alot...like to the point of driving me insane...almost to the brink of leaving myself...

it's great knowing nobody is there when you need them...

,Tenshi no Umarekawari
Mazzus Keesaji

You were happy before me. You're happy without me now. You'll be happy when I'm gone
Stupidity,stubborness, selfishness. Call it what you will. I call it, ending a pointless venture on my own terms.I love you. Always have and will. You more than likely will forget me, but I'll be sure to never forget you.

Anybody want a Gemeindhart Flute?

so yeah...a Flute...don't ask questions...Please don't ask questions...it's a long, stupid story...

Beowulf is such a horribly bad movie...
Jumper, however, is a great movie
On Demand is like the best thing ever

So I've discovered something...Karma is finally working FOR me right now. For once in my life things are not only going well for me,but poorly for my 'enemy'. It's pretty wonderful. normally I wouldn't be this evil and dark spirited towards somebody. But they damn well deserve it. So forgive me if I'm not sympathetic

I'm just waiting for these 3 things to happen so life can be even better. make it past february, march Odyssey and/or Crown, get that person down here. Not in any specific order
Once all that happens, and I get to finally see Chelsea, which I've been waiting for since the day I left, I'll be as happy as possible

So I was flipping through an old notebook when I found somethin very interesting. It's a list of things I want to do before I die. It's my "bucket list". I wrote it back in Freshman year...And you know what's scary about it? It's all stuff I still want to do. I guess even though you change as a person, your dreams always stay the same

YAY!! I'm excited for Wednesday. That's gonna be great

yep, I'm runnin on beyond E now...It's all momentum...inertia...fkn marching band shows. lol

,Tenshi no Umarekawari
Mazzus Keesaji

Now your just being psycho

So, last night I had the most interesting conversation with my 'brother' Nick. Now. before I go any further, let me just say that this idiot has a nack for saying the most ridiculous things when he's drunk. BUT, what he told me last night is one of those things that you can;t make up even with the best imagination. Plus, I kinda figured that it was because I bore witness to the insanity that you had yesterday morning...And the only thing I will say in regards to this is you are fucking psycho...like seriously. You're fucking psycho...I'm glad what happened happened because that's just...shit man. You're fuckin psycho...
And that's my rant about her and her psychosis...

So I finally got to listen to the Gary Burton Masterclass podcasts, after completely forgetting to get them onto my ipod. And I'm kinda upset that they don't have all of them yet. it started in December. Then for 3 or 4 weeks straight there was a new one every Friday. And now, in fkn August, I'm still waiting for the rest of the podcasts. F'n balls man.

So how abt Aungst leaving the Cadets...that's crazy. They're totally fkd now. You'd think he'd wanna stick around for next year. 'The Holy Name Cadets" as they are going to be called next season. Maybe Scott will be their Percussion Caption now. lol

So I started work on '3 Shades' today. That is probably going to be one of the hardest shows to write. It took me forever just to come up with the idea. And now to actually go further with it after...shit man...3 years of thinking and being disgusted with what I wrote...I don't know why, but this show just seems like such a big deal to me. Probably because of the time period during which the concept first came to me...Yeah that's probably it...

Let's see...I'm still working on Wind for my Vibraphone solo. I'm contemplating just forgetting about Yellow After the Rain and Teardrops and getting a fresh new start with my marimba stuff. I don't have anything for Xylo, but I don't think I will need anything...I'll find out for sure next week...Ummm...Sonatina is still my Timpani piece...Sonata would be my 2 mallet piece but I completely forgot it and Dan(?) stole my music for it...Or was it Marc? Newho...Etude 5 from Portraits in Rhythm is my Orchestral snare piece. Rudimental Rondo is, obviously my rudimental piece...nvm I lied. I found my music for Sonata. YAtR is the one that Dan stole the music for
I've got most of the Odyssey packet memorized. Just waiting to find out when auditions are so I can show up and get embarassed by Caity...lol
And...yeah that's abt it...

I'm just gonna 3 with 1 here: you'll be fine. it'll get betterm trust me I know. I've been through it all. Just be patient, I know it sucks

Yeah that's about it.

I am motherfuckin Spartacus!!!!!!! BYAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Scott Daley is, by the way, apparently the biggest Premier fanboy ever. Atleast that's the word on the street. lol
Happy birthday yesterday Mama Bear
and Kelsey
and happy birthday today Veronica, you jerk

This month has gone by slow as fuckin hell and it's kinda great. lol

The reunion of The Whores/re-creation of 'un-loading the trailer' needs to happen soon. Meaning SOMEBODY *cough* Chelsea *cough* needs to stop being busy dammit


,Mother Fuckin Spartacus
Tenshi no Umarekawari
Mazzus Keesaji

F'n balls Man. F'n Balls

One of the classic wtf moments with Mr. B. Me, Matt, Brad, and Mr. B had just finished cleaning the gym after painting the floor. And, after throwing away the tarps and crap Mr. B just looks at Brad and goes " F'n balls man. F'n balls." Since then That's been a favorite saying of mine because it's so weird.

Anywho...

So upon watching "Gone" for the millionth time(I think I'll actually have watched it a million times after like 50 or so more times. lol) I realized something...Parkviews center snare looks alot like Katie Buerster...I know the two have literally nothing to do with each other, but for some reason I was thinking about that...It's weird. But if you Jersey people who have seen Katie beofre, saw this girl you'd say the same thing. It's eerie how similar they look. I think Katie followed me down here, became a BAMF at snare and went to Parkview and joined the snare line. lol

Insanely happy to have cleared things up. I would've killed myself, and the entire Georgia population if things actually turned out to be how I feared they were...but they didn't so I'm happy

So apparently everybody has now declared a vendetta against the entire population of RV Band senior boys...yay. Thanks ya fkn idiots

Cirque De' Mystique=so insanely badass...Yo-yo cymbals, pit using 6 mallets, and just the entire show. It's all so insanely amazing. It's so well put together, and executed near flawlessly. Watching the do a stand still is great. MCM's snare line always has some section of the show where they just put on a visual clinic and its great. And then the closing statement. OMFG so amazing. That pit run!!! Dear sweet jesus.
And then they follow it up with E=MCM other wise known as wtf was MCM thinking? And then this year. Complete crap. I'm begging them to do something un-real again. Do like Phantom did and re-invent an old show. I know it was only 4(5 when the season starts) years ago but Seven Deadly Sins would be a great re-make. ORRR why not re-do their 1998 show. It's 10 years old now, just like Sparticus was. And that was a BAMF show back then. you add in what the activity is like now (granted books are much less dense than they were back then and they aren't drum majors anymore)and that is almost a guaranteed Gold. Especially with the entire snare line returning. Their hands were un-believable last season, so now they're evenr better no doubt. So the snare book is gonna be killer. And I am beyond excited
And I definitely can't wait to see what RX has instore for us. Gone again? perhaps. Hey I'm not sick of it, so why the hell not.
RCC...the only thing I liked about the 08 show was that insanely intense bass feature. Everything else was just bad. Well...not bad. But I didn't like it. The show just sucked. The book was great at the majority of it. but it was a gay show in my opinion. THE APPLE!!!! FCK YES MAN!!! Please re-do THE APPLE...That would be great. Especially if I marched this year. Getting to see that LIVE!!! Are you kidding. I would have the ultimate drummergasm...
I miss RCC 07's bassline. I dunno why but I like that bassline better. I love this years feature but I LOVE 07's bassline. Probbaly because it's all new except for 2 and 3...thank god 2 didn't age out...although I'm pretty sure she did now which is depressing...=(
Scott Daley. What happened to my autograph from the RCC bassline? Not that I wanted it since I don't like any of them except 2...

......BYAHHH!!!!!

So Nick was in the hospital all day today. Apparenty Brittany's family tried to kill him. lol. but not really. Her mom's cooking didnt like his stomach. And he was puking and it was like orange or somethin. And He was turning pale(er) and Britt freaked so she took him to the hospital. oh my genius brother. I told you you're not supposed to eat green bread. lol

,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji

pushing me away won't change anything you idiots...

For some reason when I made the decision to move I had this crazy idea in my head:Georgia=happiness. I expected to get off the plane and immediatly be happy. I expected things to instantly be better. I expected a phone call saying you were coming down here. And I was expecting to get a call saying all of 'my kids' have decided to stop being assface high schoolers and actually listen to me...
I was expecting miracles out the wazoo...And...I think I got them...In a sense...

Friday, was apparently Nick's day to try and steal 3 people in one fell swoop...Thanks bro, thanks. Normally that'd be bad right? Well not in this case. The person that he was attempting this massive take over with has shown their true colors. SO now knowing just where we stand in regards to how things are going to be handled between us, I can officially give you the big FUCK YOU!!! Or, rather Nick can do that since you seemed to be very into the idea...

Saturday I will somewhat take the blame for. I was better off just lieng to you and saying no. Eventhough I said yes I still liked how things were. I wish they could go back to that. But now you seem to suddenly be too busy whereas, just the night before we had a forever long conversation about how much we missed each other...BUT I decided to be honest. I decided to tell you the truth. And now we are where we are. And I FUCKING HATE IT!!!! It's not fair. It's utter bullshit actually. Complete utter bullshit...

I love sounding like a hypocrite. The reason I say that is because what I am about to say is incredibly hypoctirical of me. Running away solves nothing. It doesn't fix problems. If anything it makes them worse,as you can plainly see. I was perfectly fine with talking to you about this, but you've chosen to push me away...Not like I was going to, or even could, do anything about it...But you chose to push me away anyways...You've broken the bond...however I'd still like to talk about this...Clearing things up would be great

So other than that life is wonderful...Georgia is great. I miss and love my entire New Jersey family. But I love it down here. I appreciate the majority of you being willing to accept that. If I can I'll find a way to come back and visit


,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji

Lost items

It seems that, along with alot of people I care about and miss alot, I left something else behind in New Jersey...my brain...

I was really hoping that my first entry from down here would be one of excitement and joy. But, that, like everything else in my life, was just me building myself up only to be let down...

I feel as though what I did was beyond incredibly stupid...
My filter is apparently broken because this is the 4th time in as many weeks that I've said something I shouldn't have. Granted this won't anger anybody as much as those other 3 times...this is probably even stupider than those 3 simply because of what it entails...

But. Maybe, I'm just over-reacting and this is actally nothing or, even better, a good thing...But that could just be me hoping again. And we all know how that turns out...
So...hopefully(there's that damn word again) I'm just over reacting and this will actually turn out to be notas bad as I think it is...
But, for the record, everything I said prior to today only partially had to do with what I said today...

It's so fkn hot down here. It's ridiculous. I hate it. It needs to be winter time already
Haven't seen any of my friend yet, but that crazy circus will start soon. That'll be interesting. I'm excited for that...Now that I'm back for good(...nvm...)we can have a TJ is back party. lol

I still miss you guys in Jersey and love you all. And wish you all were here...
If I manage to make it back up there one last time I will be sure to inform all of you of when that will be...but don't get your hopes up...after today, I think I have one less reason to come back up there(unless I'm wrong and over-reacting which i'm hoping is the case...)

I've got most of the Odyssey packet memorized which is good...

,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji

End of an era...

This time 2 years ago I un-officially left my 'family' in Georgia
Now, after a 2 year hiatus I'm finally returning home to them
Or rather to the few of them that still give a crap about me...
That's part of why I'm so un-certain about my desire to leave here. I don't want that to happen with the people I've met here. And, as much as all of you say that it won't happen and we'll stay in touch and what not, that never happens. The people I left in Florida said the same thing. I haven't talked to ANY of them in years. The Georgia family said the same thing. I talk to 2 of them on a semi-regular basis...
I'm scared of losing all of you...
A select few in particular
The impact those few made on me in these 2 years is so great that I don't want to ever have to not have them around again...
Sure I survived 17 years prior to knowing you guys, but I know I wouldn't have survived these last 2 without all of you...
So poo on you and that argument(you know who you are)

I've stayed up pretty much all night last night wishing that I'd get an answer back from you...
Or rather an answer that I'd actually like...
But it never came
Needless to say, I wasn't surprised
But that doesn't make it any less upsetting
But...it's done with now I guess...
But not really...that offer will always be on the table
Or atleast it will for another 6 months...
Like I said...I'll kill a mofo if I have to...
Whatever it takes to get you down there...

7 minutes from it being a little more than 5 hours till I'm home
I get to sit there on a air plane for 2 hours and do nothing...
That will be the hardest 2 hours of my life...
I've never been so torn about a decision in my entire life
This definitely will not be easy
But, the one good side(or atleast I hope it will be good) is that I'm going home...for good

2 years of memories and friendships I hope will last a lifetime
2 years of the craziest shit ever
2 years I'll never forget
2 years of life changing experiences

it comes to an end today at 2:30 when that plane takes off...

It will be one of the most depressing, yet happiest, moments of my life

This 2 year journey is now over
My epic adventure to discover a new place is done
This is the end of an era
This is the end of me calling New Jersey 'home'

I'll miss all of you so much
I'll never forget any of you
Not even you Darren...even if you did drive me insane 24/7
Or even Sean and Brittany. Whom I regret putting through what I put them through those long 7 and a half months...
Or Travis who single-handedly ruined my life while making these 2 years as enjoyable as they possibly could've been
Or Alex who was my first friend here and will definitely always have a special place in my heart bc of how great of a friend she's been to me
Or Nicole who was one of 3 people that I could count on pretty much anytime I needed them and who pretty much made life alot more interesting
Or Liz who ,even though she hates me right now, is still sorta kinda awesome
Or Tierney my bestfriend that I rarely talk to but will forever remember those few conversations that we did have
Or Amari the stupid little jerk that he is...you talk wayyyyy too much. lol
Or Josh who wishes his abs were as awesome as mine. lol. And who made me flash a group a freshman at Wildwood...AutoFocus was such a blast
Or Zach who is happy because I finally talked to him and now were friends and he loves me and we're gonna party when he gets stationed down south
Or Colby, who probably did the kindest thing anybody has ever done for me. Not even a million thank you's will show how grateful I am
Or Breann alias Jerkface who, according to her and Brittany, I was using Brittany to get to...lol. Such a crazy time...
Or Colin, who probably annoyed me even more than Darren sometimes...But is now turning into a kinda decent kid. I like to take some credit for that. lol
Or Baby Bear, my BAMF apprentice who is sure to kick so much ass it's ridiculous. Keep up the hard work and soon everybody will forget I was even here
And I definitely won't forget Matt. Red Bear who has been a pretty awesome friend to me and who was the only person I liked during outdoor bc everybody else sucked. lol

And of course. Last, but certainly not least, Katie fkn Steinberg aka Mama Bear who managed to make these past 8 months pretty friggin awesome...and made an incredibly large impact in such a short amount of time...and to whom I'll always be grateful for yelling at me when I attempted to do that stupid thing even after what happened...And who has done a pretty damn good job at keeping me from doing other stupid shit and has been a pretty awesome friend to me aswell. And who I will probably miss the most out of everybody...Well it's a tie between her and Ally Mally...and Nicole

You will all be missed greatly. I love you all and wish all of you could come with me to Georgia...

,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji
but for now I'm just TJ...
and if you were left out of that long ass list of ppl, it's probably bc there's nothin too special abt the bond we had...either that or ur a poo face...most likely the former...

Fighting a Losing Battle

For once I'd like to wake up and smile
I wanna wake up and be happy and know everything is good and life doesn't suck
And, for the first time in 2 years, I feel like going home just won't do it...
Something more has to come from this 2 year hiatus
But so far, I got nothin
Everything is falling apart, piece by piece
And the most annoying part about it: this all in some way shape or form connects to that one stupid decision...That one mistake has single-handedly annihilated everything...
And that angers me to no end
The initial damage was bad enough...but the A-Bomb has some lingering effects to it which I'm just now experiencing...
Well, I suppose one good thing abt everything that has happened in these 2 years of painful hell:I've learned quite a bit abt myself...I thought I was un-stable before, but now I know just to what extent my instability reaches...

I wish I could not lie and say that I am happy
I wish that I could smile and not be faking it
I wish I could just for once have something go as planned and not have some stupid random bullshit screw it up
But my wishes never come true
My dreams never become reality
I live in a darkness
And I wonder...what is it like outside?

Fighting a war
Is so much easier
When you know you're enemy
...unless you're me
Bc then everything goes against you and you lose no matter what...
Leaving New Jersey tomorrow...airport at like 2...plane leaving at 2:30...I'll be home by 4:45-ish...Fck DCI, I'm not goin nemore. Who wants my ticket?

,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji

Confusion

I've never been this torn about any decision I've ever had to make in my life...
And that's not good. Not at all. I don't want to have to deal with the 'did I make the right decision' voice in the back of my head again. This happened when I first moved here. Now, after 2 years of wanting so badly to get the hell out of here, I don't know that I want to leave...
I'm scared that I'm leaving behind something great...I'm scared that I'm not gonna be able to make things as great as I picture them to be in my mind when I do leave...
I'm scared I'm gonna regret leaving with so much still left to do...
Especially now...something good finally came from this 2 year visit to hell...right when I'm leaving, possibly for good...But that's just my fkn luck...It's such a curse to be me sometimes...It just sucks...my luck is absolutely horrible...6 months, and nothing to show of a 2 year abandonment of my 'family'...
Things getting worse right now, is definitely not an option because I might actually lose my mind...

,Shukketsu Herutsu
Mazzus Keesaji