How is it that we managed to go from so happy and blissful and in love for an entire 2 weeks to this...so much uncertainty and pain...again...
Wait...Did I just say again?? Again as in this has happened before? Well, surely this is only the second time then...Right?..RIGHT???
Nope...I'm a fucking retard...A "hopelessly in love, willing to give her any and everything she could ever want, so ridiculously happy with her that losing her again would kill me" fucking retard...This isn't the 2nd time...This is the 3rd...With her...Overall this makes number...fuck...I lost count...How depressing is that? I've lost fucking count of how many times something like this has happened to me...fuckass...
I believe that I've figured it out...This is our karmic punishment for what we did...This is karma kicking us in our respective sensative parts for doing what we did when we knew we shouldn't have...But you can't help who you love...Dammit...I wish I were saying that in a way that was defending what we did...But now I'm using it in defense of what you've done...again...again...
I should say fuck it and quit right? give up, cut my losses, and move on right?
Do you know me? Apparently not if you thought I was going to actually that...
Never give up..Never back down..
Fight like hell for what you want and what you love and who you want and who you love...If you get it easily then you don't deserve it because nothing should be given to you...You have to fight like holy hell...
I told you this before...I love you...I always will...And I'll never stop...That much I know is completely true...So the ball is, like it always has been, in your court...I'm waiting for you to make the decision...Tell me what to do...Tell me what you're going to do...Or tell me you love me and this will all be fine soon enough...Just please tell me something, and soon...
I'll wait for as long as I need to, but we can't do this forever...you need to make a decision soon...
Don't make me regret having this dream again...Don't make me regret risking everything I spent all of these months working on, just for "our" sake...
,Mazzus Keesaji
P.S. Jenn Sterger is my effing hero right now
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
To Whom It May Concern:
I'm prepared for the consequences this will undoubtedly bring...
There's no denying that we have a very interesting connection, you and I. We've been through some intersting shit in the somewhat short amount of time that we've known one another. But that's what happens when fate puts two people who love each other in a situation where their will is tested the way ours was. We were forced to fight what we weren't sure we had. But once the handcuffs were taken off...Well to put it plainly, it was incredible.
But now we've arrived here at this interesting turning point, once again. I know where one road leads because we've bee down it twice. I'm most interested in wandering down that other path. The one that doesn't end. The one that keeps us both happy for good. The path that you and I both, to an extent, fear going down again.
There's a problem with that. I'm more than willing and ready to go down that path with you. But you seem to be uncertain of whether you want to, or who you want to with. I don't do this with the intent of being cheesy or trying to steal the 'epic' speech..but, I feel like I can say this because I KNOW I'm right..I'm the guy for you. I'm the one you should be with, from now until forever. You and I both know we make each other crazy happy. If you would only trust our relationship and not give up so easliy on us, you'd see how much better things will be. I'm the one for you. I know it. And you will realize it too, soon enough. I'll wait if I have to, and if I have to suffer through standing by and waiting then so be it. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm the guy for you. And someday I hope you realize this.
I love you. A lot. This has been made quite clear several times. You've returned the sentiment. But now we need to work to go beyond that. Like Andrew said, Sometimes love is enough if you let it be. Let's take our painting and fill in the colors as we go along. more than Romeo loved Juliet...
You're move my dear..
do you're damage people. I have spoken. I regret nothing. I take nothing back. I am who I am. I want what I want. I'm done letting it go. I'm done standing by. I'm going to fight for what I want. No Fear. Yell, get mad, scold me, do whatever you want..I don't care..I'm sorry Mama Bear..But hey this is better than I was the last time..
,T.J.
There's no denying that we have a very interesting connection, you and I. We've been through some intersting shit in the somewhat short amount of time that we've known one another. But that's what happens when fate puts two people who love each other in a situation where their will is tested the way ours was. We were forced to fight what we weren't sure we had. But once the handcuffs were taken off...Well to put it plainly, it was incredible.
But now we've arrived here at this interesting turning point, once again. I know where one road leads because we've bee down it twice. I'm most interested in wandering down that other path. The one that doesn't end. The one that keeps us both happy for good. The path that you and I both, to an extent, fear going down again.
There's a problem with that. I'm more than willing and ready to go down that path with you. But you seem to be uncertain of whether you want to, or who you want to with. I don't do this with the intent of being cheesy or trying to steal the 'epic' speech..but, I feel like I can say this because I KNOW I'm right..I'm the guy for you. I'm the one you should be with, from now until forever. You and I both know we make each other crazy happy. If you would only trust our relationship and not give up so easliy on us, you'd see how much better things will be. I'm the one for you. I know it. And you will realize it too, soon enough. I'll wait if I have to, and if I have to suffer through standing by and waiting then so be it. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm the guy for you. And someday I hope you realize this.
I love you. A lot. This has been made quite clear several times. You've returned the sentiment. But now we need to work to go beyond that. Like Andrew said, Sometimes love is enough if you let it be. Let's take our painting and fill in the colors as we go along. more than Romeo loved Juliet...
You're move my dear..
do you're damage people. I have spoken. I regret nothing. I take nothing back. I am who I am. I want what I want. I'm done letting it go. I'm done standing by. I'm going to fight for what I want. No Fear. Yell, get mad, scold me, do whatever you want..I don't care..I'm sorry Mama Bear..But hey this is better than I was the last time..
,T.J.
Drive
I've been alive for 20 years, 4 months and 17 days(give or take a few hours)...
I've been on a 20 year journey..I've spent 20 years searching..
That's what life is..searching..looking for something..anything you can latch on to..
That one person or thing that makes your world brighter than it had ever been..
20 years is a long fuckin time..Sure I'm young but still..20 years is 20 years..And I spent the majority of those searching and having no clue what I was searching for..
I suppose there was one thing my dad and his replacement wife were good for..the time they forced me to go to therapy for being a "troubled teen" aka doing normal teenager bullshit because I was pissed off and hated my life because my parents had gotten divorced and my dad had gotten remarried and my mom was unhappy..you know, being an ass, being disobedient, not giving a damn..typical teenager shit..They thought therapy would help and, suprisingly, they were right..It didn't change my behavior..It changed my mindset..
My therapist read something I had written..(the first book of a series I wrote a while ago..)and told me that the good thing about my writing was that it showed I had a goal..I knew what I wanted to do and for someone so young(I was 16 at the time) that was a good thing..
What he didn't realize was he was completely wrong(or so I thought)..I had no idea where I was going..I just knew I was living life..College wasn't even close to being on my mind(which was a bad thing)I didn't have any specific direction..I knew 2 things at this point..I loved what I did(music) and I loved a girl(those who knew me Sophomore year know who she was..)..That was all I knew..and at the time that was all that mattered..
But, as we began talking about it I realized that I did have a direction, I just didn't realize it..
There are 3 things I've always cherished in my life: My Music, My Writing, and My Relationships..
Those three are what drove me..they are what still drives me..My direction is somewhat unclear because, while the 3 could all be grouped together into one(given another drastic change of scenery) they would all take me in different directions if I stayed in my current scenario..
My Music..Teaching is my goal..How I get there I don't really give a damn..I just know I want to teach..I want to be what Mr. Britton/Scott/Tony/Adam/Zach/Mike/Aaron were to me(and the rest of RVDL)..I want to get that killer feeling when I'm standing infront of my kids while they're in the arc and they are just jamming and it's beautiful..I would kill for that..that feeling when the percussion ensemble finally gets through that one passage in Big Country and it finally comes together and sounds smooth and sexy..that feeling when the wind ensemble kicks the shit out of that ridiculously hard piece that most kids couldn't play on their best day..that's what I want in life..
My Writing..I'm gonna be published..It's gonna be awesome..I'm gonna be like Lucas but better cause my publicist won't say "you're book kinda sucks..write a less sucky one you loser"..My writing will be the shit..and I will be happy and love my life because my words will help the reincarnation of me..
I'd be full of sit if I didn't say that my friends and those I love didn't play a big part in my life..I used to run my life based completely off of other's opinions..I've changed that to an extent, but the opinions of my friends do still temper my mentality..There's a second part to this..
The one thing I've been chasing for the longest amount of time..The one thing that has caused me the greatest amount of stress..The one thing I fear I'll never get..Love..
There was a girl..She was beautiful..She is beautiful..She meant a lot to me..I loved her..That failed..
There was another girl..I thought I loved her..She was beautiful..She meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There was yet another girl..I thought I loved her too..She was also beautiful..She also meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There is a girl..I love her..Knowing how I feel now, I'm certain that I wasn't truly in love with the prior 2..I'll never stop loving her..She is beautiful..She means everything to me..Twice she's hurt me..But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go for it again..and again..and again..
My drive is what has kept me alive in these few months..But I need to take a break..I need to go home..Maybe I'll stay(there)..Maybe I won't..
,Mazzus Keesaji
I've been on a 20 year journey..I've spent 20 years searching..
That's what life is..searching..looking for something..anything you can latch on to..
That one person or thing that makes your world brighter than it had ever been..
20 years is a long fuckin time..Sure I'm young but still..20 years is 20 years..And I spent the majority of those searching and having no clue what I was searching for..
I suppose there was one thing my dad and his replacement wife were good for..the time they forced me to go to therapy for being a "troubled teen" aka doing normal teenager bullshit because I was pissed off and hated my life because my parents had gotten divorced and my dad had gotten remarried and my mom was unhappy..you know, being an ass, being disobedient, not giving a damn..typical teenager shit..They thought therapy would help and, suprisingly, they were right..It didn't change my behavior..It changed my mindset..
My therapist read something I had written..(the first book of a series I wrote a while ago..)and told me that the good thing about my writing was that it showed I had a goal..I knew what I wanted to do and for someone so young(I was 16 at the time) that was a good thing..
What he didn't realize was he was completely wrong(or so I thought)..I had no idea where I was going..I just knew I was living life..College wasn't even close to being on my mind(which was a bad thing)I didn't have any specific direction..I knew 2 things at this point..I loved what I did(music) and I loved a girl(those who knew me Sophomore year know who she was..)..That was all I knew..and at the time that was all that mattered..
But, as we began talking about it I realized that I did have a direction, I just didn't realize it..
There are 3 things I've always cherished in my life: My Music, My Writing, and My Relationships..
Those three are what drove me..they are what still drives me..My direction is somewhat unclear because, while the 3 could all be grouped together into one(given another drastic change of scenery) they would all take me in different directions if I stayed in my current scenario..
My Music..Teaching is my goal..How I get there I don't really give a damn..I just know I want to teach..I want to be what Mr. Britton/Scott/Tony/Adam/Zach/Mike/Aaron were to me(and the rest of RVDL)..I want to get that killer feeling when I'm standing infront of my kids while they're in the arc and they are just jamming and it's beautiful..I would kill for that..that feeling when the percussion ensemble finally gets through that one passage in Big Country and it finally comes together and sounds smooth and sexy..that feeling when the wind ensemble kicks the shit out of that ridiculously hard piece that most kids couldn't play on their best day..that's what I want in life..
My Writing..I'm gonna be published..It's gonna be awesome..I'm gonna be like Lucas but better cause my publicist won't say "you're book kinda sucks..write a less sucky one you loser"..My writing will be the shit..and I will be happy and love my life because my words will help the reincarnation of me..
I'd be full of sit if I didn't say that my friends and those I love didn't play a big part in my life..I used to run my life based completely off of other's opinions..I've changed that to an extent, but the opinions of my friends do still temper my mentality..There's a second part to this..
The one thing I've been chasing for the longest amount of time..The one thing that has caused me the greatest amount of stress..The one thing I fear I'll never get..Love..
There was a girl..She was beautiful..She is beautiful..She meant a lot to me..I loved her..That failed..
There was another girl..I thought I loved her..She was beautiful..She meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There was yet another girl..I thought I loved her too..She was also beautiful..She also meant a lot to me..she broke my heart..
There is a girl..I love her..Knowing how I feel now, I'm certain that I wasn't truly in love with the prior 2..I'll never stop loving her..She is beautiful..She means everything to me..Twice she's hurt me..But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go for it again..and again..and again..
My drive is what has kept me alive in these few months..But I need to take a break..I need to go home..Maybe I'll stay(there)..Maybe I won't..
,Mazzus Keesaji
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I'm either losing my mind or imagining that I'm losing it..either way this probably isn't good..
I suppose the one fault to New Jersey is this: it has an extremely negative effect on my mental state..Not in the sense of my happiness but in the sense of my true sanity..
But, it's most likely not because of New Jersey but actually because of people(one person in particular) there..
I know this because I'm starting to see people..Like actually see them and have conversations with them..And, in some very odd cases..well..let's just say I know how House feels now...Minus the Vicodin(although I totally could be hopped up on it if I wanted to..My doctor did prescribe it to me)
I have no idea what's going on..For all I know I could be hallucinating typing this and talking to Katie and Kevin right now..
Seriously..I'm losing my mind..It's so trippy..I have no clue what's real or what isn't..Well, that's a lie..I know for fact that the version of 'you know who' that I'm seeing isn't real..I know this because she hasn't randomly decided to ignore me in favor of talking to her ex who broke up with her..
Oops..I just accidentally revealed her secret identity and her greatest flaw all in one fell swoop..Well, actually I've only just begun to scratch the surface..
I'm an ass, I know..This is what happens when you get on my bad side..You get to see the darkside of TJ..Imagine the normal me pissed off times infinity..that's about half as bad as I am when I hate you..Which is about where I'm at with her right now..
Which doesn't explain any of what has happened the past couple days..
But that may just be my subconscious thinking about the promises she made to me..yeah..let's not go there..
Miley Cyrus needs to never ever do a country song again..If that's what all of her songs are then Billy Ray might wanna get a paternity test cause there is no way his kid has such a bad country voice..'The Climb'..seriously..she needs to never sing a coutry song again..she does not have a good country voice..
So..going to the DCI Countdown..bad idea..not because it sucked..It was friggin awesome..I had forgotten how ridiculously intense "Sparticus" was..Going to the countdown was a bad idea because it made me miss marching even more than I already do..I almost wish I had chosen ALLIANCE(or Corpsvets) over going to Jersey..But I'm not going to regret that..I'm happy with my decision..I'm going to enjoy my summer..I just miss marching and the activity as a whole..I'll probably feel better once I go to a couple RV practices..Plus I'm gonna be secretly techning the basses and going to their sectional's so that'll keep me somewhat happy for a while..
I'm going to kill you with a spoon..I'm not even gonna give you the respect of killing you with a sharp object..I'm just gonna stab you with a spoon..
You're gonna get spooned, and I don't mean that as in us cuddling, I mean I'm gonna beat you with a spoon..I'm gonna beat you with a spoon until you die..I'm not even gonna stab you with it..In fact I don't even wanna beat you..I'm just gonna whack you on the head, knock you unconscious, and then proceed to use said spoon to scoop your insides out..after I use this same spoon to peel your skin off like you would do with the top of the ice cream when you first open it..yeah..except I won't eat you..I'll feed you to like a cocatu or somethin..
...that was slightly sadistic...wow I'm a sick person when I'm in my insanity-hallucination mode..I'm gonna pretend I didn't say that...
..anywho..
...
...
...
...
...
you know you're tripping hardcore balls when you have a conversation with yourself..and you can actually see yourself sitting across from you talking to you..trippin balls man!!!
trippin hardcore balls...
Oh but it get's better..now the other me and the imaginary she are making out..great she dumped me for the imaginary me..whatthehell..even when I'm losing my mind I still can't have her..eh whatever..
...oh boy...that was a fun conversation...hopefully that will work itself out...
sleep time is now...not really though cause I'm gonne end up being awake all night writing again..
oh, one more thing..HELL YEAH PENGUINS!!! Sid the Kid is a beast..
Stanley Cup Finals again this year, but this time we're winning it..
,Mazzus Keesaji...and several other persona's...
But, it's most likely not because of New Jersey but actually because of people(one person in particular) there..
I know this because I'm starting to see people..Like actually see them and have conversations with them..And, in some very odd cases..well..let's just say I know how House feels now...Minus the Vicodin(although I totally could be hopped up on it if I wanted to..My doctor did prescribe it to me)
I have no idea what's going on..For all I know I could be hallucinating typing this and talking to Katie and Kevin right now..
Seriously..I'm losing my mind..It's so trippy..I have no clue what's real or what isn't..Well, that's a lie..I know for fact that the version of 'you know who' that I'm seeing isn't real..I know this because she hasn't randomly decided to ignore me in favor of talking to her ex who broke up with her..
Oops..I just accidentally revealed her secret identity and her greatest flaw all in one fell swoop..Well, actually I've only just begun to scratch the surface..
I'm an ass, I know..This is what happens when you get on my bad side..You get to see the darkside of TJ..Imagine the normal me pissed off times infinity..that's about half as bad as I am when I hate you..Which is about where I'm at with her right now..
Which doesn't explain any of what has happened the past couple days..
But that may just be my subconscious thinking about the promises she made to me..yeah..let's not go there..
Miley Cyrus needs to never ever do a country song again..If that's what all of her songs are then Billy Ray might wanna get a paternity test cause there is no way his kid has such a bad country voice..'The Climb'..seriously..she needs to never sing a coutry song again..she does not have a good country voice..
So..going to the DCI Countdown..bad idea..not because it sucked..It was friggin awesome..I had forgotten how ridiculously intense "Sparticus" was..Going to the countdown was a bad idea because it made me miss marching even more than I already do..I almost wish I had chosen ALLIANCE(or Corpsvets) over going to Jersey..But I'm not going to regret that..I'm happy with my decision..I'm going to enjoy my summer..I just miss marching and the activity as a whole..I'll probably feel better once I go to a couple RV practices..Plus I'm gonna be secretly techning the basses and going to their sectional's so that'll keep me somewhat happy for a while..
I'm going to kill you with a spoon..I'm not even gonna give you the respect of killing you with a sharp object..I'm just gonna stab you with a spoon..
You're gonna get spooned, and I don't mean that as in us cuddling, I mean I'm gonna beat you with a spoon..I'm gonna beat you with a spoon until you die..I'm not even gonna stab you with it..In fact I don't even wanna beat you..I'm just gonna whack you on the head, knock you unconscious, and then proceed to use said spoon to scoop your insides out..after I use this same spoon to peel your skin off like you would do with the top of the ice cream when you first open it..yeah..except I won't eat you..I'll feed you to like a cocatu or somethin..
...that was slightly sadistic...wow I'm a sick person when I'm in my insanity-hallucination mode..I'm gonna pretend I didn't say that...
..anywho..
...
...
...
...
...
you know you're tripping hardcore balls when you have a conversation with yourself..and you can actually see yourself sitting across from you talking to you..trippin balls man!!!
trippin hardcore balls...
Oh but it get's better..now the other me and the imaginary she are making out..great she dumped me for the imaginary me..whatthehell..even when I'm losing my mind I still can't have her..eh whatever..
...oh boy...that was a fun conversation...hopefully that will work itself out...
sleep time is now...not really though cause I'm gonne end up being awake all night writing again..
oh, one more thing..HELL YEAH PENGUINS!!! Sid the Kid is a beast..
Stanley Cup Finals again this year, but this time we're winning it..
,Mazzus Keesaji...and several other persona's...
Friday, May 1, 2009
New Jersey......or Atlanta ALLIANCE
Woke up this morning..at 11:45...shit...I was supposed to wake up at 8...That set me back quite a bit...
Failed at writing as much as I had intended..But I still got a lot done so it was ok..
XLibris called..Finally able to tell them that the book is done..Now we move to step II and something I'm definitely not looking forward to..Editing..having some idiot tell me that everything needs to be changed and my writing sucks..yippee..Then I get to write for a month and a half before I re-send it to them so they can change more stuff and then finally step III...but let's worry about the editing and shit first..
Chapter II of 'Bloody Rose Pt. III' is finally done..and I finally was able to get one of my goals checked off..Chelsea has officially been written in as a character in the story..I had intended to do this from the beginning but couldn't see a way to do so until recently when I was working on the end of Chapter II..That's when it hit me..So now my bestest friend is in my story..yay
Ummm..So yeah..Dollhouse was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd wicked tonight..Joss Whedon makes me sick..he's what I wanna be when I grow up..wicked..just..wicked..I'm amped to see next weeks episode..
Life during and after Dollhouse was the definition of being bi-polar..I'm leaving in 15 days..May 16th is when my flight leaves..YAY!!!
...and then I checked my e-mail...
So I've been wanting to march ever since the end of Indoor..I've been plotting my return to the activity since the second that we found out we didn't make finals(yes I am still a little pissed about that..While Alex and I were watching Finals I think I actually almost teared up..)Today was seemingly like all of the others..Me checking websites and such and seeing if anybody(Specifically Crown, Alliance, and Music City) had any openings on their bass lines or in their pits..I do this routine every other day..Check the websites and then say how much I hate my life and wish I could march..
After Dollhouse I decided to play Spider Solitaire..So I minimized the Firefox window and looked at my Google sidebar..I saw an e-mail in my inbox that simply said 'ALLIANCE Calling...'..out of sheer curiosity I decided to check my e-mail and see what that was all about..
Terry Reilley, Executive Director of Atlanta Alliance had sent me an e-mail saying they had an opening in the pit and wanted to know if I was interested in marching with them this summer..
...You gotta be shittin me...
I'm supposed to be leaving for New Jersey in 15, count 'em 15 DAYS!!!
Oh but let's not make this any better...ALLIANCE has camp at 8:15am TOMORROW!!! Yes, tomorrow..tomorrow as in Saturday, May 2nd, 2009...Tomorrow as in about 11 hours from right fucking now...tomorrow as in I have to make this decision RIGHT NOW!!!
damn it all to hell...the day was going so well...life was good...I was leaving in 15 effing days...but now...I don't know...I just don't know...
There's always an option of marching next season...but that's an IF...right now I have pretty much a 'if you show up tomorrow morning and can pay the $500 throughout the season then you are going to be marching with us'...but...I'm not going to New Jersey next summer..I'm staying here(or possibly spending it in South Carolina or various other states touring with Crown/ALLIANCE/Music City)..so..what do I do with this summer..the summer that is already paid for via plane ticker..
Stay and march and get a season under my belt and then stick with Alliance or go to Crown..
Go to Jersey this summer and have fun with my friends(majority of whom have seemingly forgotten I exist..just throwing that out there..) and hope I still have the chops to march next season..
Do neither? that's actually becoming a part of the decision now..
The decision I have 10-ish hours to make..ALLIANCE Camp is at 8:15am tomorrow....it's 11:34..I figure I have till about 6am to decide..aka I'm not sleeping tonight..
shit..shit..shit..what do I do?!?
,Mazzus Keesaji (member of 2009 Atlanta ALLIANCE???)
Failed at writing as much as I had intended..But I still got a lot done so it was ok..
XLibris called..Finally able to tell them that the book is done..Now we move to step II and something I'm definitely not looking forward to..Editing..having some idiot tell me that everything needs to be changed and my writing sucks..yippee..Then I get to write for a month and a half before I re-send it to them so they can change more stuff and then finally step III...but let's worry about the editing and shit first..
Chapter II of 'Bloody Rose Pt. III' is finally done..and I finally was able to get one of my goals checked off..Chelsea has officially been written in as a character in the story..I had intended to do this from the beginning but couldn't see a way to do so until recently when I was working on the end of Chapter II..That's when it hit me..So now my bestest friend is in my story..yay
Ummm..So yeah..Dollhouse was maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddd wicked tonight..Joss Whedon makes me sick..he's what I wanna be when I grow up..wicked..just..wicked..I'm amped to see next weeks episode..
Life during and after Dollhouse was the definition of being bi-polar..I'm leaving in 15 days..May 16th is when my flight leaves..YAY!!!
...and then I checked my e-mail...
So I've been wanting to march ever since the end of Indoor..I've been plotting my return to the activity since the second that we found out we didn't make finals(yes I am still a little pissed about that..While Alex and I were watching Finals I think I actually almost teared up..)Today was seemingly like all of the others..Me checking websites and such and seeing if anybody(Specifically Crown, Alliance, and Music City) had any openings on their bass lines or in their pits..I do this routine every other day..Check the websites and then say how much I hate my life and wish I could march..
After Dollhouse I decided to play Spider Solitaire..So I minimized the Firefox window and looked at my Google sidebar..I saw an e-mail in my inbox that simply said 'ALLIANCE Calling...'..out of sheer curiosity I decided to check my e-mail and see what that was all about..
Terry Reilley, Executive Director of Atlanta Alliance had sent me an e-mail saying they had an opening in the pit and wanted to know if I was interested in marching with them this summer..
...You gotta be shittin me...
I'm supposed to be leaving for New Jersey in 15, count 'em 15 DAYS!!!
Oh but let's not make this any better...ALLIANCE has camp at 8:15am TOMORROW!!! Yes, tomorrow..tomorrow as in Saturday, May 2nd, 2009...Tomorrow as in about 11 hours from right fucking now...tomorrow as in I have to make this decision RIGHT NOW!!!
damn it all to hell...the day was going so well...life was good...I was leaving in 15 effing days...but now...I don't know...I just don't know...
There's always an option of marching next season...but that's an IF...right now I have pretty much a 'if you show up tomorrow morning and can pay the $500 throughout the season then you are going to be marching with us'...but...I'm not going to New Jersey next summer..I'm staying here(or possibly spending it in South Carolina or various other states touring with Crown/ALLIANCE/Music City)..so..what do I do with this summer..the summer that is already paid for via plane ticker..
Stay and march and get a season under my belt and then stick with Alliance or go to Crown..
Go to Jersey this summer and have fun with my friends(majority of whom have seemingly forgotten I exist..just throwing that out there..) and hope I still have the chops to march next season..
Do neither? that's actually becoming a part of the decision now..
The decision I have 10-ish hours to make..ALLIANCE Camp is at 8:15am tomorrow....it's 11:34..I figure I have till about 6am to decide..aka I'm not sleeping tonight..
shit..shit..shit..what do I do?!?
,Mazzus Keesaji (member of 2009 Atlanta ALLIANCE???)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
oh what to do, what to do...
Today has been a wicked day for me and my mind..
My dream last night kept playing over and over again the entire day..well at least until about an hour or so ago..then I started thinking about something that I most definitely should not have been thinking about..
The dream was about her..yes I know..bad idea..but it wasn't my fault..she's been haunting me lately..
It's really really complicated..Like really..
A what-if scenario..One that, if it were to happen, I have no idea how I'd actually face it..I mean it'd be great..but at the same time it could just make things even crazier than they are now..
Some time ago I began to think..Upon discovering something that I had no idea about, I realized that the possibility of the past returning was very much there..At least I think so..I'm not entirely sure..I mean there's a ton of stuff that would need to be sorted out..But think of the possibilities..I mean aside from the most recent 'her', I don't think anybody ever did to me what she did..BUT..that's not gonna happen..at least I doubt it will..I guess I'll have to take Kevin up on his challenge and see for myself..
So...XLibris...I'm pretty sure I mentioned them a couple months ago...Well, here's a refresher just in case..They're a publishing company that helps people self-publish their books..ANYWHO..they've been calling me a lot lately...either they really really want my money, or they really really liked the half of my Manuscript that I sent them...So now i'm trying to hurry and finish my Manuscript so I can get it to them and get it made and hopefully sell it and be rich yay! We will see how that goes..(If I get published and sell well I'm totally dropping out of college and never ever looking back..not really..I still wanna teach, regardless of what happens with my book(s))
Ummmm...So yeah and umm..that too..coolies..
,Mazzus Keesaji
My dream last night kept playing over and over again the entire day..well at least until about an hour or so ago..then I started thinking about something that I most definitely should not have been thinking about..
The dream was about her..yes I know..bad idea..but it wasn't my fault..she's been haunting me lately..
It's really really complicated..Like really..
A what-if scenario..One that, if it were to happen, I have no idea how I'd actually face it..I mean it'd be great..but at the same time it could just make things even crazier than they are now..
Some time ago I began to think..Upon discovering something that I had no idea about, I realized that the possibility of the past returning was very much there..At least I think so..I'm not entirely sure..I mean there's a ton of stuff that would need to be sorted out..But think of the possibilities..I mean aside from the most recent 'her', I don't think anybody ever did to me what she did..BUT..that's not gonna happen..at least I doubt it will..I guess I'll have to take Kevin up on his challenge and see for myself..
So...XLibris...I'm pretty sure I mentioned them a couple months ago...Well, here's a refresher just in case..They're a publishing company that helps people self-publish their books..ANYWHO..they've been calling me a lot lately...either they really really want my money, or they really really liked the half of my Manuscript that I sent them...So now i'm trying to hurry and finish my Manuscript so I can get it to them and get it made and hopefully sell it and be rich yay! We will see how that goes..(If I get published and sell well I'm totally dropping out of college and never ever looking back..not really..I still wanna teach, regardless of what happens with my book(s))
Ummmm...So yeah and umm..that too..coolies..
,Mazzus Keesaji
Monday, April 27, 2009
I'm Finally Home..?
2+ years..
I waited that long to finally come back down here..
To finally come back to the place I called home..
To finally be where I belonged..
But since the night that I got here..it has not once felt like home..
Not once has it felt like it used to..or like I thought it would..
In fact..I've felt more estranged since that day,than I did the day I first moved to Jersey..
Aside from the day I got to see Chelsea,everyday here has made me feel more and more un-comfortable and..made me miss New Jersey more and more..Just like everyday in Jersey made me miss being in Georgia..
I didn't realize it until now, but Jersey became to me what Georgia used to be..
The realization that I was actually leaving(combined with the texts I got from Matt, Alex, and Katie) made this sudden feeling of complete and utter sadness come over me..And my flight being delayed for 500 hours definitely didn't help the situation..
And then..getting on the plane..sitting there waiting to take off..realizing I was going to be so far away..I actually almost started like crying for-real crying..I mean..there were tears,I'll admit that..But I wasn't like sobbing or anything..But I felt it..I felt like any second I was just gonna fall apart..But I didn't..cause I'm a hardass like that..
Now..I'm finally home..and all I can think about is how badly I want to go back and how much I miss being there..When I do sleep I wake up hoping that this was all a dream and that I'm still there and that I never left..Which is crazy because sometimes that's what happened when I was in Jersey..I would wake up and hope I was still here and that it was all a dream..
This is a bit of a predicament..I'm basically split between the two..
I can either live in one and spend vacations(most likely summers) in the other, cut one out of my life and accept that I just had to make a decision, or go crazy..well I'm already crazy..
There really is no happy medium here..And if I were to go somewhere else then I'd have to split time between visiting Georgia and visiting Jersey..THAT would be absolute hell..
I already have this year and next year planned out..I'm gonna go to Jersey this summer, and then possible for Christmas. Then next year I'm staying here for the summer. HOWEVER, after the summer next year I have no clue what I'm doing..
I might transfer to a school in Jersey..I might go to Southern..or I might try and go to the school I wanted to to go in the first place(Tennessee) cause that'd be friggin sweet(I'll be spending my age out season with Mystique and that year is the year of my age out so that'd be kinda cool..)
I'm completely torn between the two..I'm basically living two lives..
When I came back to Georgia I started talking to a lot of people that I hadn't talked to much while I was in Jersey..and I'm losing contact with a lot of people in Jersey that I talked to a lot while I was there..THEORETICALLY the inverse will be true when I go to Jersey..I don't want that to happen but that appears to be the trend..Or, perhaps my nightmare will come true and everyone in Jersey will completely forget I exist and not give a crap like a vast majority of them seem to right now..
I wish I had never left Georgia..but I'm glad I did..but now I wish I had never left Jersey..I'm only slightly happy that I did though..very very very slightly happy about that..So maybe I'm better off in Jersey..or maybe I'm better off in neither..I hate my life sometimes..
I wanna go home...but I have no idea where it is...
*I had this blog saved as a draft for a couple months(since October last year)..I was hoping that my feelings would change, but they haven't..I still hate it here and want to go back to Jersey..but I want to stay too..effmylife..
,Mazzus Keesaji
I waited that long to finally come back down here..
To finally come back to the place I called home..
To finally be where I belonged..
But since the night that I got here..it has not once felt like home..
Not once has it felt like it used to..or like I thought it would..
In fact..I've felt more estranged since that day,than I did the day I first moved to Jersey..
Aside from the day I got to see Chelsea,everyday here has made me feel more and more un-comfortable and..made me miss New Jersey more and more..Just like everyday in Jersey made me miss being in Georgia..
I didn't realize it until now, but Jersey became to me what Georgia used to be..
The realization that I was actually leaving(combined with the texts I got from Matt, Alex, and Katie) made this sudden feeling of complete and utter sadness come over me..And my flight being delayed for 500 hours definitely didn't help the situation..
And then..getting on the plane..sitting there waiting to take off..realizing I was going to be so far away..I actually almost started like crying for-real crying..I mean..there were tears,I'll admit that..But I wasn't like sobbing or anything..But I felt it..I felt like any second I was just gonna fall apart..But I didn't..cause I'm a hardass like that..
Now..I'm finally home..and all I can think about is how badly I want to go back and how much I miss being there..When I do sleep I wake up hoping that this was all a dream and that I'm still there and that I never left..Which is crazy because sometimes that's what happened when I was in Jersey..I would wake up and hope I was still here and that it was all a dream..
This is a bit of a predicament..I'm basically split between the two..
I can either live in one and spend vacations(most likely summers) in the other, cut one out of my life and accept that I just had to make a decision, or go crazy..well I'm already crazy..
There really is no happy medium here..And if I were to go somewhere else then I'd have to split time between visiting Georgia and visiting Jersey..THAT would be absolute hell..
I already have this year and next year planned out..I'm gonna go to Jersey this summer, and then possible for Christmas. Then next year I'm staying here for the summer. HOWEVER, after the summer next year I have no clue what I'm doing..
I might transfer to a school in Jersey..I might go to Southern..or I might try and go to the school I wanted to to go in the first place(Tennessee) cause that'd be friggin sweet(I'll be spending my age out season with Mystique and that year is the year of my age out so that'd be kinda cool..)
I'm completely torn between the two..I'm basically living two lives..
When I came back to Georgia I started talking to a lot of people that I hadn't talked to much while I was in Jersey..and I'm losing contact with a lot of people in Jersey that I talked to a lot while I was there..THEORETICALLY the inverse will be true when I go to Jersey..I don't want that to happen but that appears to be the trend..Or, perhaps my nightmare will come true and everyone in Jersey will completely forget I exist and not give a crap like a vast majority of them seem to right now..
I wish I had never left Georgia..but I'm glad I did..but now I wish I had never left Jersey..I'm only slightly happy that I did though..very very very slightly happy about that..So maybe I'm better off in Jersey..or maybe I'm better off in neither..I hate my life sometimes..
I wanna go home...but I have no idea where it is...
*I had this blog saved as a draft for a couple months(since October last year)..I was hoping that my feelings would change, but they haven't..I still hate it here and want to go back to Jersey..but I want to stay too..effmylife..
,Mazzus Keesaji
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Why I love it: the power of music..
A week ago I posted this crazy dream that I had, and in it I went in this semi-long tirade about Music..Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I said, and how I could properly expound upon that ideal that I stated(the ideal that music is the most powerful force in existence..the greatest of the arts(which is no knock at all against the visual arts because they have power just...eh, you'll hear that explanation later))..
-I’ve been a musician for 3 years (I’ve been playing since third grade but I never was a true musician, for being a true musician requires an inept ability to not only physically but mentally and emotionally comprehend and portray music in such a way that it is beautiful to anyone who willingly immerses themselves in the experience of watching a musician play), and in those three years I learned more about myself and life than I expected..-
Hopefully that was a simple enough concept..next..
A couple of years ago, my bestfriend Nick and I had a little chat about the activity..we were watching WGI videos and talking about the effect that indoor had on the percussion world..and then we started talking about the effect that indoor, and music as a whole, has and can have on people..This is a basic outline of our ideal, brought to you by a very pissed off me (I just copy pasted this from my rant I that dream I had last week..which I recommend reading because it's slightly amusing..
-The belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..(I still don't know why I used that word...)) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience and has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has allowed them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert(yes..that was me..non-stop practicing for countless hours..I'm an addict..and I still feel like I don't practice enough)..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..-
There you have it..a basic overlay of the ideal that music is the greatest force on the planet..
When I talk about music, and get so lost into it that I completely lose track of everything and just ramble on for seemingly forever..that's a very interesting moment for me..There's seemingly a purity in what I say..It may not make sense to anybody else, but it makes sense to me..Music means everything to me, plain and simple..It is everything..There's nothing else, greater than music..not anymore..it's eclipsed everything for me..that is partly the fault of myself, and others, but it is also the sheer power of music..The only time I ever felt that much clarity was when I was with a certain girl whose name shall never be spoken again..but that's a conversation for another time(we don't wanna get me started about love and such cause then I'll never stop)..
This will probably definitely not make much sense at all, but try to follow along..
-I’m following a dream that is still in its fetal stages, but I know that if I find a way to properly let it grow then it will blossom into something incredible. I want to be able to make sure that the life changing experiences I had while involved in music will be passed on to the future. I want to be able to teach and help my students learn and grow the way my teachers helped me learn and grow. I want to be able to help a kid who is immersed in music, yet still lacking direction, to find their way like Mr. B helped me. I want to be someone that my students can come to, and essentially become a father figure to them, like Scott, and Mr. B were to me.
I want to be able to live and know that what I went through wasn’t just me suffering for nothing and know that I suffered because I had to learn to be able to teach someone who will be like me, or completely different from me. Music is my love, it’s my life, and it is everything to me. Music has power that no other force has. It can change someone if they let it. And sometimes it changes them even if they don’t let it. It can’t heal a person, but it can lead them through the process of healing. Music isn’t magic; it’s merely a force of humanity past present and future. Passing along that understanding of music is what I want to do with my life.
For 17 years I went through life believing that I was destined to suffer and be constantly cut down. So downtrodden was I, that I fell into a state of depression and mental unreason that almost led to me ending my own life. Music, a long with a close friend (whom I met thanks to music), kept me alive. Being able to pass that a long to a student that is suffering through that pain will be an incredible feeling for me-
Changing unreason to reason. Changing dark to light
It's incredible what music, and what the activity can do..An unspeakable power..
,Mazzus Keesaji
-I’ve been a musician for 3 years (I’ve been playing since third grade but I never was a true musician, for being a true musician requires an inept ability to not only physically but mentally and emotionally comprehend and portray music in such a way that it is beautiful to anyone who willingly immerses themselves in the experience of watching a musician play), and in those three years I learned more about myself and life than I expected..-
Hopefully that was a simple enough concept..next..
A couple of years ago, my bestfriend Nick and I had a little chat about the activity..we were watching WGI videos and talking about the effect that indoor had on the percussion world..and then we started talking about the effect that indoor, and music as a whole, has and can have on people..This is a basic outline of our ideal, brought to you by a very pissed off me (I just copy pasted this from my rant I that dream I had last week..which I recommend reading because it's slightly amusing..
-The belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..(I still don't know why I used that word...)) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience and has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has allowed them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert(yes..that was me..non-stop practicing for countless hours..I'm an addict..and I still feel like I don't practice enough)..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..-
There you have it..a basic overlay of the ideal that music is the greatest force on the planet..
When I talk about music, and get so lost into it that I completely lose track of everything and just ramble on for seemingly forever..that's a very interesting moment for me..There's seemingly a purity in what I say..It may not make sense to anybody else, but it makes sense to me..Music means everything to me, plain and simple..It is everything..There's nothing else, greater than music..not anymore..it's eclipsed everything for me..that is partly the fault of myself, and others, but it is also the sheer power of music..The only time I ever felt that much clarity was when I was with a certain girl whose name shall never be spoken again..but that's a conversation for another time(we don't wanna get me started about love and such cause then I'll never stop)..
This will probably definitely not make much sense at all, but try to follow along..
-I’m following a dream that is still in its fetal stages, but I know that if I find a way to properly let it grow then it will blossom into something incredible. I want to be able to make sure that the life changing experiences I had while involved in music will be passed on to the future. I want to be able to teach and help my students learn and grow the way my teachers helped me learn and grow. I want to be able to help a kid who is immersed in music, yet still lacking direction, to find their way like Mr. B helped me. I want to be someone that my students can come to, and essentially become a father figure to them, like Scott, and Mr. B were to me.
I want to be able to live and know that what I went through wasn’t just me suffering for nothing and know that I suffered because I had to learn to be able to teach someone who will be like me, or completely different from me. Music is my love, it’s my life, and it is everything to me. Music has power that no other force has. It can change someone if they let it. And sometimes it changes them even if they don’t let it. It can’t heal a person, but it can lead them through the process of healing. Music isn’t magic; it’s merely a force of humanity past present and future. Passing along that understanding of music is what I want to do with my life.
For 17 years I went through life believing that I was destined to suffer and be constantly cut down. So downtrodden was I, that I fell into a state of depression and mental unreason that almost led to me ending my own life. Music, a long with a close friend (whom I met thanks to music), kept me alive. Being able to pass that a long to a student that is suffering through that pain will be an incredible feeling for me-
Changing unreason to reason. Changing dark to light
It's incredible what music, and what the activity can do..An unspeakable power..
,Mazzus Keesaji
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Try to keep up
I had a dream last night
It was really weird and intense as hell
It's kinda confusing so try to keep up
So, it's like 7:15 this morning(in the dream) meaning I'm in class(which instantly means this dream sucks cause whatthefuck am I doing having a fucking 6:30am class..tooearlyinthegoddamnmorningtobelearningshit..fyi I hated waking up for high school too..well kinda..I mean it was good for a while but then it just got fuckin annoying waking up that early..oddly enough I fucking WOKE-UP to get ready to go to school at the same time that I now start class..holyfuckingjesuspleaseshootme)
It has clearly been a rough 2 hours because I'm pissed as hell..I'm not paying any sort of attention to Ms. McKinney cause I really don't seem to give a damn about anything at this point in time..
The only person in this class who talks to me is Gamida(fyi, she's hot as all hell..like seriously..holy shit..), and she sits right in front of me
anywho..she turns around and asks me what Ms. McKinney just said..
I don't have a damn clue, and usually I'll just say I don't know and leave it at that..But for some reason this morning I'm in a very intense mood..
So I say, "I don't know. Sorry.." I pause...and then...it begins
"I actually have no idea what the hell I'm doing here right now. I really don't want to be here at all." This is un-usual(ok..as much as I hate waking up there early in the fuckin morning, I do like the class..I mean, excluding the now ex-girlfriend in the class, it's somewhat nice..It's English meaning it's easy because it's writing and I write a lot and basically kill everybody in that class..There's like 12 of us so it's not like it's a bunch of annoying fuckers like high school..and having 3 ridiculously hot girls in the class helps..shitwhendidIbecomesoshallow..oh wait I know..it might have something to do with all of the bitchwhoreassholeslutskankcheatingliengwhorebitchtrampevilheartripper-and-stomperoner's I've dated in the past..)
And Gamida knows this and asks what's wrong..I wish she hadn't because I feel like my brain exploded..I've never before experienced myself in this sort of jumbled rage before..I go on so many different tirades it's ridiculous..I almost want to shoot myself and say "Hey shutthefuckup"
anywho..I'm pissed, she asks why, I begin my tirade..
"Among all of the incredibly wonderful things ex's could do for you, did you know that blindsiding you with ridiculous bullshit is probably one of their favorite things to do? I did..but today was far worse than I've EVER experienced..And it's worse because 3 of them all ganged up on me..these past 2 hours have forced me far beyond my limit for bullshit for the day..Hell I might have filled my quota for tomorrow and Thursday as well..I mean where the hell do these...bitches(I did actually pause and shake my fist in the dream just like I did right now typing that word..idk why but I don't like calling girls that unless I'm really really pissed at them and even then I try not to say it..fault of growing up with 2 older sisters and 2 female cousins a year younger than me) get off giving my grief about shit..
I mean whothefuckarethey? They're the ones that ripped my fuckin heart out and stomped on it a bunch of times..Seriously who the fuck get's mad at their ex that THEY broke up with after putting them through months and months of torture and hell and then saying they were still in love with her ex(that's not about who everybody thinks it's about..oh yeah people that's right, she basically has a fucking clone..it's ridiculous..I know, I'm retarded..blow me asswhipes). Whatthefuck kind of world is this where you can give somebody shit for that? When you were clearly and undisputedly wrong ..Whothefuckare you?!?..
and then the other two..oh my fucking hell..it's like I was living through the same shit a second time..literally the same things happened. Almost an identical time frame as well..Same process and everything..It was sickening to watch..we meet, we become close, we date and then seemingly out of motherfucking nowhere, although really it isn't out of nowhere..I know how they were in the past..I know that they probably were not ideal girlfriends..but I couldn't help it..
I have what I suppose would be called the 'Medusa Complex'..The eyes always get me..Pretty eyes pretty much paralyze me..It's my weakness..That's what distracted me from the flaws..That and the happiness I felt..But I suppose even that isn't a good enough excuse..You don't, you can't forgive a girlfriend for having sex with anyone..
especially not, well I wouldn't even call him my bestfriend..we were much closer than that..we were basically brothers..nearly mirror image lives..It was creepy yet bad ass..We even had the same ideals..
the belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience as has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has transported them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..
That son of a bitch stole both of them from me..(yes, in the dream I really do go from that rant to this..I told you it's weird)I caught them in the act..Not like in the gay ass movies..They were full on fucking..And I walked in and saw them..And the bitchin part about it is, THEY DIDN'T STOP!!! That's where the movies fuck you..they don't account for the heartlessness of a cheater/backstabber..if they're willing to cheat, and especially if they know you are in the near vicinity or soon will be, what the hell makes you think they'll stop to try and account for your feelings or give a single damn about you..That was the absolute killblow for me..
So..these three, dare I say, bitches(again pausing and shaking of the first) have the absolute nerve to give me shit..These three who have single handed-ly torn apart my ideal of love..I mean what the fuck is the point of it? If this is what it turns out to be then who gives a fuck about it? I sure as hell don't..I mean look at what I've become..
I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic, but that hopeless part has far outmassed that romantic part..As of late I've probably turned a blind eye to a lot..But that's become my natural demeanor..I mean hell this is the most almost all of you have ever heard from me in one sitting..and the only reason that is is because I've lost my mind..I bottle everything up and then this happens..I'm a volcano..
This is me in fuckin volcano mode..spewing fire and brimstone and destroying everything in my path..I literally kicked a squirrel today..Not cause it was annoying, cause I usually think they're cute..but today I just saw the thing minding it's own business and booted it's ass halfway 'cross campus..I symbolized my love life into the form of that squirrel and destroyed it just like those three tramps and the others have done to me..I kicked that squirrel's ass, quite literally..I'm surprised it didn't run when it heard me coming..but I ain't complaining..I needed that shit..it felt good..real good..I'd love to do that again..Just boot a squirrel across the campus..that'd be cool as shit dude..
I cut people off(again, I really did do that transition..I think I was on speed or something in the dream..it was some wicked shit)I don't let anyone in anymore..I can't..I fucking hate people too much..I don't trust anyone..I literally hate the world..I mean I really do..I want to kill everybody..
I'd be perfectly content with having a mass execution and just killing the entire population one-by-one until the only people left are those that I like..or are really really hot..oh and George Clooney..Maybe Brad Pitt too..can't kill the man crush(Clooney) and the bitches will demand Pitt live..I hate people and it's all the fault of my ex's..and my so called friends..
I fucking hate people..I don't even believe in love anymore..how fucked up and depressing is that fuckin shit? I hate people and don't believe in love..That's some depressing shit dude..True love if a fuckin fairy tale..It doesn't exist..
it's a complete load of crock..really it's stupid..To think that you can truly and completely love someone..You can't..because you lie to the ones you love..so really, you hate them..and love those you hate because you tell them the truth..There is no truth in love..true love requires an absolution(yeah..I dunno either and it's my fuckin dream)..you have to be completely vulnerable yet still strong..being in love makes you be at your weakest while still being stronger than ever..It's breaks you and then rebuilds you..Love reforms you..True love makes you weak..Yet it makes you powerful..but it doesn't exist so in reality it does nothing..if you believe in true love you are probably retarded..you should probably go see a doctor because you are an absolute imbecile..
How fucked up is it that I think that? Nobody should be like this..But I am..it sucks..I hate it..but this is my natural demeanor now..I've turned into a complete dark and heartless sonofabitch..But can you fuckin blame me? I mean who wouldn't be a damaged fucked up motherfucker..I'd hate to meet the person who's quote un-quote fuckin normal after this shit..They have to be one secretly sick fuck..
Why the hell do people even bother..it's not worth trying..it's probably a 1 in 100 chance of being happy and staying together for the mythical 'forever'..Some people do, but in order for it to be forever, you have to have known each other your entire lives..you realize that narrows the list down substantially..technically the only person someone could be with forever is their mother and that's just awkward..
Love is a big fat greek lie.."
At that point Gamida tells me to calm down(seriously..you wait this fucking long to say something..why not when I first start losing my mind? whatthefuck) so I do..and then I leave..
...don't date robots...
So, the hilarity of this dream is that I never actually find out what happened..I never say what they did that pissed me off so much..I never even get close to backtracking and saying anything even remotely close to being helpful..Quite frankly, I'm a little pissed about that..But whatever..I am one seriously fucked-up individual..and fyi, for the most part, everything that I said in that dream is pretty much reality..my true mindset and such..which is what makes it funny to me..I could totally see myself flipping shit like this one day and just losing it and going, "volcano mode"..it'd be some hardcore shit too..I hope it get's caught on camera or recorded somehow..
,Mazzus Keesaji
It was really weird and intense as hell
It's kinda confusing so try to keep up
So, it's like 7:15 this morning(in the dream) meaning I'm in class(which instantly means this dream sucks cause whatthefuck am I doing having a fucking 6:30am class..tooearlyinthegoddamnmorningtobelearningshit..fyi I hated waking up for high school too..well kinda..I mean it was good for a while but then it just got fuckin annoying waking up that early..oddly enough I fucking WOKE-UP to get ready to go to school at the same time that I now start class..holyfuckingjesuspleaseshootme)
It has clearly been a rough 2 hours because I'm pissed as hell..I'm not paying any sort of attention to Ms. McKinney cause I really don't seem to give a damn about anything at this point in time..
The only person in this class who talks to me is Gamida(fyi, she's hot as all hell..like seriously..holy shit..), and she sits right in front of me
anywho..she turns around and asks me what Ms. McKinney just said..
I don't have a damn clue, and usually I'll just say I don't know and leave it at that..But for some reason this morning I'm in a very intense mood..
So I say, "I don't know. Sorry.." I pause...and then...it begins
"I actually have no idea what the hell I'm doing here right now. I really don't want to be here at all." This is un-usual(ok..as much as I hate waking up there early in the fuckin morning, I do like the class..I mean, excluding the now ex-girlfriend in the class, it's somewhat nice..It's English meaning it's easy because it's writing and I write a lot and basically kill everybody in that class..There's like 12 of us so it's not like it's a bunch of annoying fuckers like high school..and having 3 ridiculously hot girls in the class helps..shitwhendidIbecomesoshallow..oh wait I know..it might have something to do with all of the bitchwhoreassholeslutskankcheatingliengwhorebitchtrampevilheartripper-and-stomperoner's I've dated in the past..)
And Gamida knows this and asks what's wrong..I wish she hadn't because I feel like my brain exploded..I've never before experienced myself in this sort of jumbled rage before..I go on so many different tirades it's ridiculous..I almost want to shoot myself and say "Hey shutthefuckup"
anywho..I'm pissed, she asks why, I begin my tirade..
"Among all of the incredibly wonderful things ex's could do for you, did you know that blindsiding you with ridiculous bullshit is probably one of their favorite things to do? I did..but today was far worse than I've EVER experienced..And it's worse because 3 of them all ganged up on me..these past 2 hours have forced me far beyond my limit for bullshit for the day..Hell I might have filled my quota for tomorrow and Thursday as well..I mean where the hell do these...bitches(I did actually pause and shake my fist in the dream just like I did right now typing that word..idk why but I don't like calling girls that unless I'm really really pissed at them and even then I try not to say it..fault of growing up with 2 older sisters and 2 female cousins a year younger than me) get off giving my grief about shit..
I mean whothefuckarethey? They're the ones that ripped my fuckin heart out and stomped on it a bunch of times..Seriously who the fuck get's mad at their ex that THEY broke up with after putting them through months and months of torture and hell and then saying they were still in love with her ex(that's not about who everybody thinks it's about..oh yeah people that's right, she basically has a fucking clone..it's ridiculous..I know, I'm retarded..blow me asswhipes). Whatthefuck kind of world is this where you can give somebody shit for that? When you were clearly and undisputedly wrong ..Whothefuckare you?!?..
and then the other two..oh my fucking hell..it's like I was living through the same shit a second time..literally the same things happened. Almost an identical time frame as well..Same process and everything..It was sickening to watch..we meet, we become close, we date and then seemingly out of motherfucking nowhere, although really it isn't out of nowhere..I know how they were in the past..I know that they probably were not ideal girlfriends..but I couldn't help it..
I have what I suppose would be called the 'Medusa Complex'..The eyes always get me..Pretty eyes pretty much paralyze me..It's my weakness..That's what distracted me from the flaws..That and the happiness I felt..But I suppose even that isn't a good enough excuse..You don't, you can't forgive a girlfriend for having sex with anyone..
especially not, well I wouldn't even call him my bestfriend..we were much closer than that..we were basically brothers..nearly mirror image lives..It was creepy yet bad ass..We even had the same ideals..
the belief that The Activity, Music, it could change people..and if you don't believe that then you're an idiot..I mean music is quite possibly the most powerful force on the planet..It's the greatest form of art there is..No offense to Visual Artists..You get a much more personal relationship with music..There is only so much you can show in visual art..it's possible to have an interpersonal(whatthefuck..when have I EVER used that word before..) relationship with visual art, but there is only so much you can show people..Aside from letting them watch you paint, the relationship is very limited..Musicians are incredibly vulnerable when we play..Going to a concert, a real one..not a stupid one like some retarded band..like a true concert..you can leave that concert having been through an entire life experience if you truly listen..not just in the sense of listening to the notes but listen to what the music is saying..When a musician plays and they truly begin to feel the music and vibe off of it and essentially immerse themselves in it, it's the most amazing thing to behold..It's not like most people say, that the musician has allowed them self to be detached from the audience as has placed them self in their own comfort zone..but rather that the musician has transported them self, and the crowd to be transported back in time..back to when the musician was just a little 5th grader practicing 30+ hours a week in the hopes of one day having this sort of concert..Practicing countless hours creating and perfecting a unique style all their own..That's the truth behind music..that's the truth behind all art, but it's never more apparent than when you watch a musician play and they truly love their craft..No force on the planet is as powerful as a musician..That's what we believe..
That son of a bitch stole both of them from me..(yes, in the dream I really do go from that rant to this..I told you it's weird)I caught them in the act..Not like in the gay ass movies..They were full on fucking..And I walked in and saw them..And the bitchin part about it is, THEY DIDN'T STOP!!! That's where the movies fuck you..they don't account for the heartlessness of a cheater/backstabber..if they're willing to cheat, and especially if they know you are in the near vicinity or soon will be, what the hell makes you think they'll stop to try and account for your feelings or give a single damn about you..That was the absolute killblow for me..
So..these three, dare I say, bitches(again pausing and shaking of the first) have the absolute nerve to give me shit..These three who have single handed-ly torn apart my ideal of love..I mean what the fuck is the point of it? If this is what it turns out to be then who gives a fuck about it? I sure as hell don't..I mean look at what I've become..
I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic, but that hopeless part has far outmassed that romantic part..As of late I've probably turned a blind eye to a lot..But that's become my natural demeanor..I mean hell this is the most almost all of you have ever heard from me in one sitting..and the only reason that is is because I've lost my mind..I bottle everything up and then this happens..I'm a volcano..
This is me in fuckin volcano mode..spewing fire and brimstone and destroying everything in my path..I literally kicked a squirrel today..Not cause it was annoying, cause I usually think they're cute..but today I just saw the thing minding it's own business and booted it's ass halfway 'cross campus..I symbolized my love life into the form of that squirrel and destroyed it just like those three tramps and the others have done to me..I kicked that squirrel's ass, quite literally..I'm surprised it didn't run when it heard me coming..but I ain't complaining..I needed that shit..it felt good..real good..I'd love to do that again..Just boot a squirrel across the campus..that'd be cool as shit dude..
I cut people off(again, I really did do that transition..I think I was on speed or something in the dream..it was some wicked shit)I don't let anyone in anymore..I can't..I fucking hate people too much..I don't trust anyone..I literally hate the world..I mean I really do..I want to kill everybody..
I'd be perfectly content with having a mass execution and just killing the entire population one-by-one until the only people left are those that I like..or are really really hot..oh and George Clooney..Maybe Brad Pitt too..can't kill the man crush(Clooney) and the bitches will demand Pitt live..I hate people and it's all the fault of my ex's..and my so called friends..
I fucking hate people..I don't even believe in love anymore..how fucked up and depressing is that fuckin shit? I hate people and don't believe in love..That's some depressing shit dude..True love if a fuckin fairy tale..It doesn't exist..
it's a complete load of crock..really it's stupid..To think that you can truly and completely love someone..You can't..because you lie to the ones you love..so really, you hate them..and love those you hate because you tell them the truth..There is no truth in love..true love requires an absolution(yeah..I dunno either and it's my fuckin dream)..you have to be completely vulnerable yet still strong..being in love makes you be at your weakest while still being stronger than ever..It's breaks you and then rebuilds you..Love reforms you..True love makes you weak..Yet it makes you powerful..but it doesn't exist so in reality it does nothing..if you believe in true love you are probably retarded..you should probably go see a doctor because you are an absolute imbecile..
How fucked up is it that I think that? Nobody should be like this..But I am..it sucks..I hate it..but this is my natural demeanor now..I've turned into a complete dark and heartless sonofabitch..But can you fuckin blame me? I mean who wouldn't be a damaged fucked up motherfucker..I'd hate to meet the person who's quote un-quote fuckin normal after this shit..They have to be one secretly sick fuck..
Why the hell do people even bother..it's not worth trying..it's probably a 1 in 100 chance of being happy and staying together for the mythical 'forever'..Some people do, but in order for it to be forever, you have to have known each other your entire lives..you realize that narrows the list down substantially..technically the only person someone could be with forever is their mother and that's just awkward..
Love is a big fat greek lie.."
At that point Gamida tells me to calm down(seriously..you wait this fucking long to say something..why not when I first start losing my mind? whatthefuck) so I do..and then I leave..
...don't date robots...
So, the hilarity of this dream is that I never actually find out what happened..I never say what they did that pissed me off so much..I never even get close to backtracking and saying anything even remotely close to being helpful..Quite frankly, I'm a little pissed about that..But whatever..I am one seriously fucked-up individual..and fyi, for the most part, everything that I said in that dream is pretty much reality..my true mindset and such..which is what makes it funny to me..I could totally see myself flipping shit like this one day and just losing it and going, "volcano mode"..it'd be some hardcore shit too..I hope it get's caught on camera or recorded somehow..
,Mazzus Keesaji
Friday, March 20, 2009
I miss my family
Da Bears
That was the best part of senior year..I loved that bassline with all my heart..All 4 of them..Mama Bear, Baby Bear, A.D.T.(another damn teenager..yep that was the actual name I gave Mike. I remember it now) Bear, and Red Bear..They were truly like family to me..
I keep having this recurring dream about them..
It's just before our performance at Wildwood, right before we go over with the rest of the battery to pray and stuff..And I'm talking to them..But the only difference between the dreams is that I say something different every time..Literally every single time, I say something completely different to them as a whole and to the 4 individually..
What get's me isn't the recurring part, the different speeches part, or even the fact that every other time I'm wearing my uniform..
What throws me for a loop is what happens between us going over to the rest of the battery and us having our little bassline huddle..It's always something ridiculously weird..
Oh and what happens after the performance as well..that too is weird..
It's the same every time but still it's weird..
Oh and the hilariousity of Scott Daley and his jokes about me not having my uniform..
It's just an overall interesting dream..
I hate to compare the LoM(if you don't know what that means by now then you might be an idiot...or a redneck...lol...) bassline to Da Bears..but it's seemingly unavoidable..They were essentially the complete opposites of one another..Hell even the early version of the SG Bassline couldn't compare to Da Bears..Although the week or so when it was just Mama Bear, Baby Bear and I was pretty awesome. A lot of notes were missing, but it wasn't because we weren't playing our parts..And having that template of the three of us and then infusing Red Bear and A.D.T. Bear into it made us freakin kick ass..
There was so much that I wanted to say to that bassline before we went on the floor..but I cut some parts out for sake of saving time and for sake of not getting all emotional and such..But that bassline meant a lot to me..More than a lot of people who are actually in my real family do..
One thing that the LoM bassline did have in common with Da Bears, aside from me, was how interesting sectionals were..Although with the LoM bassline they were interesting because I was always yelling and being pissed off and losing my effing mind, with Da Bears they were interesting because with how close the 5 of us were we had so much fun together. And we really did act like we were a family sometimes. It was great..That's how every drumline should be, but the bassline more so than anyone else because of how much we have to rely on one another..As much as I would've loved for it to have just been me on the field marching bass during LoM I knew that I needed those three...very interesting individuals...We never got the chance to build that closeness and trust..which I find odd because it took such a short amount of time for Da Bears to do so..
And another thing, I dunno of anybody noticed this but not once during indoor did my knee bother me at all..It was weird..Scott and Britton made such a big deal out of it and it turned out that they didn't even have to because I felt fine the entire season(with the exception of after that one show where somebody ran into the back of my knee with the guards floor cartjawnthingymabob..And the floor was supposed to be harder on my knee than the field was..I find that so odd..
I held a lot back that weekend at Wildwood..before our performance..and after we found out we didn't make finals and had the meeting..Although I did shed a couple tears right along with Travis..
It's interesting when you talk about something that means so much to you that you essentially lose yourself in your words ad your emotions take control..That's what happened to him..and that's what I fought to keep from happening to me..But deep down I was baling my eyes out..
I guess that's why I want to teach so badly..That love for the activity..Not just in myself but seeing it in others..Seeing that raw emotion surface after having a killer show or that uncontrollable determination after a show where you know you effed up..Seeing that in others is one thing that makes me love it even more..I might not be able to march anymore but I'll be damned if I let that stop me from getting to teach and getting to watch kids that will be sitting exactly where I was and knowing that feeling that they're getting as they're watching a recording of their best performance or their worst..And being able to help them to find a way to control that and use it to make the show ever better if it was good, or clean it up if it was bad..
Giving up isn't an option..If you love something enough then you won't let anything stop you or keep you from it..And having that love for the activity is what has driven me this far and will drive me until I'm old and senile living across the street from the school so I can hear the drumline practicing..
That might be what made Da Bears so close..loving what we were doing and having respect for the activity and knowing that it could do some pretty awesome stuff..
A.D.T. Bear's metamorphosis from who he used to be to who he was after the season was a very interesting thing to behold..seeing him mature the way he did..I can't wait to be on the other side of that..being where Scott and Britton and Tony and Brad were watching this change in him..It's gonna be great to see that..I don't want to have to see it, but if I do it'll be great..seeing that maturation in someone..
And Baby Bear..The way he stepped up was very impressive..A lot of guys would've said 'oh I didn't get to march what I wanted to march so fck this I quit..' and left..But he didn't..And he was instead enrolled in Papa Bears school of "it can always be better and I'm gonna rag on you until it gets better..."..Being perfectly honest, at first I was worried..I was happy about having 6 basses and about Joey being top bass because getting to essentially mentor him for a season would be fun..It'd be like the good old times at Dacula..But I was worried that he wouldn't be able to hang..And, at first, he was having trouble..but as the season progressed and He, Katie, and I started getting closer he started getting better and better. And I felt a sense of pride..Not because I thought that he was getting better thanks to my helping him..I really felt like I was a proud father watching his son maturing and becoming a better musician..And once he started to get solid on his parts I started to get less worried..And by that time the bassline was in the midst of going through an internal war so it was nice knowing that the chaos still brought forth fruit..Honestly, during that whole period of having an a.w.o.l. bass3, a ship abandoning bass 4, and a...I can't even think of anything nice to say about Ayre...It was nice seeing that he was starting to get a grip on it all and was grasping what Katie and I were throwing at him...If not for him I would've given up at that point and chalked the season up as a failure..
I say this with absolutely no intent to disrespect Darren in any way...Deep down we all knew Matt was gonna be Drum Captain...It's not that Darren would've been a bad one..we obviously don't know that because it didn't happen..Indoor was interesting in that both Matt and Darren set out on ventures into new territory..Granted Matt started on snare, while Darren was on Tenors the entire season, they both did still end up going on a new journey..And both of them seemed to benefit and change, for the better thanks to those experiences..I think Matt's decision to move from "The Elite" section to what had become the weakest section at that point showed a lot about him and he gained a lot of respect, if not from any one else then certainly from me..I made sure to tell both he and Mike that I was grateful for what they had done and had gained respect for both of them because of the decision they made..Making that decision was the beginning of the maturation process for A.D.T. bear and was the beginning of some interesting times for Red Bear..
I don't think anybody knew what to expect that Sunday Afternoon when we were having the sectional..I know I hadn't a clue what to expect..Katie was gone so I knew it would be slightly more difficult to get Matt and Mike in with the 4/5 part missing. But we managed to somewhat pull it off. Like Britton said, that was the most notes the bassline had played all season..lol..That was another one of those proud moments for me..Hearing the runs somewhat pieced together, minus Mama Bears part..
Anyways..I think at this point Matt and I were still in the process of becoming closer friends..With the whole situation that had been going on during the winter and such(he knows what I'm talking about...in theory..if he remembers then he knows..and obviously my saying that means that no it's now what everybody is thinking it is..It was a very complicated situation)..so him becoming a part of our family kind of sped up the process tenfold..anywho..idk what I was talking about now..
Oh, right...So yeah..Matt was pretty much gonna be Drum Captain..Not that Darren couldn't do that job..Just that Matt had a lot more going for him at that point in time..
Mama Bear...not really much to say about her in regards to the season other than it was a very wild ride ;-)...lol...ok no more of that..lol..I remember quite a few times where we made the decision that the bassline would be just the two of us(during a sectional we actually started singing the song..it was pretty epic..lol..)..Getting to know Mama Bear during the season changed me a lot for the better..She's probably the only one that had a significant effect on me..I wasn't sure what to expect with having her on the bassline..My most prominent memory of her before the season was that day we went to the middle schools..that shit was funny dude..ridiculous middle schoolers laughing at the Guard..I half expected Katie to grab the kid and make him apologize..THAT would've been hilarious..anyways..All I really knew was that she was basically my chick counterpart..she was a hardass like me, worked her ass off like me, loved indoor like me, loved bass like me, and wanted us to be the best bassline like me..So basically she became the default 2nd in command..Hence her being Mama Bear.."First of all, yeah I am called mama bear, but that does not mean that I am their fucking mother, and have to clean up after them"..her exact words the night after the indoor practice that I wasn't there..lol..And that basically sums up how things were the entire season..her and her crazy awesomeness..It really brought in interesting element to counteract any and all insanity that manifested..Basically she's the one that kept the bassline happy..if not for her who knows how things may have gone during the season, especially when the bassline was scrapped and it was just the 3 of us..Mama Bear was the true essential cog in our entire operation..I take minimal credit in the success that we reached..Granted we could've been better, we got as far as we did as quickly as we did with the combination of she and I and our talented children..lol..
I miss Da Bears..I probably always will..To an extent I'm glad that I can't march anymore because I don't think any bassline could've topped that experience..sure it would've been sweet to have gotten to march Crown or OPT and play some killer licks and be badass..but no bassline will ever truly compare to Da Bears..and that's why they were, are, and always will be my family..
Da' Bears!!!
,Papa Bear
or Peanut Butter..lol..long story..
That was the best part of senior year..I loved that bassline with all my heart..All 4 of them..Mama Bear, Baby Bear, A.D.T.(another damn teenager..yep that was the actual name I gave Mike. I remember it now) Bear, and Red Bear..They were truly like family to me..
I keep having this recurring dream about them..
It's just before our performance at Wildwood, right before we go over with the rest of the battery to pray and stuff..And I'm talking to them..But the only difference between the dreams is that I say something different every time..Literally every single time, I say something completely different to them as a whole and to the 4 individually..
What get's me isn't the recurring part, the different speeches part, or even the fact that every other time I'm wearing my uniform..
What throws me for a loop is what happens between us going over to the rest of the battery and us having our little bassline huddle..It's always something ridiculously weird..
Oh and what happens after the performance as well..that too is weird..
It's the same every time but still it's weird..
Oh and the hilariousity of Scott Daley and his jokes about me not having my uniform..
It's just an overall interesting dream..
I hate to compare the LoM(if you don't know what that means by now then you might be an idiot...or a redneck...lol...) bassline to Da Bears..but it's seemingly unavoidable..They were essentially the complete opposites of one another..Hell even the early version of the SG Bassline couldn't compare to Da Bears..Although the week or so when it was just Mama Bear, Baby Bear and I was pretty awesome. A lot of notes were missing, but it wasn't because we weren't playing our parts..And having that template of the three of us and then infusing Red Bear and A.D.T. Bear into it made us freakin kick ass..
There was so much that I wanted to say to that bassline before we went on the floor..but I cut some parts out for sake of saving time and for sake of not getting all emotional and such..But that bassline meant a lot to me..More than a lot of people who are actually in my real family do..
One thing that the LoM bassline did have in common with Da Bears, aside from me, was how interesting sectionals were..Although with the LoM bassline they were interesting because I was always yelling and being pissed off and losing my effing mind, with Da Bears they were interesting because with how close the 5 of us were we had so much fun together. And we really did act like we were a family sometimes. It was great..That's how every drumline should be, but the bassline more so than anyone else because of how much we have to rely on one another..As much as I would've loved for it to have just been me on the field marching bass during LoM I knew that I needed those three...very interesting individuals...We never got the chance to build that closeness and trust..which I find odd because it took such a short amount of time for Da Bears to do so..
And another thing, I dunno of anybody noticed this but not once during indoor did my knee bother me at all..It was weird..Scott and Britton made such a big deal out of it and it turned out that they didn't even have to because I felt fine the entire season(with the exception of after that one show where somebody ran into the back of my knee with the guards floor cartjawnthingymabob..And the floor was supposed to be harder on my knee than the field was..I find that so odd..
I held a lot back that weekend at Wildwood..before our performance..and after we found out we didn't make finals and had the meeting..Although I did shed a couple tears right along with Travis..
It's interesting when you talk about something that means so much to you that you essentially lose yourself in your words ad your emotions take control..That's what happened to him..and that's what I fought to keep from happening to me..But deep down I was baling my eyes out..
I guess that's why I want to teach so badly..That love for the activity..Not just in myself but seeing it in others..Seeing that raw emotion surface after having a killer show or that uncontrollable determination after a show where you know you effed up..Seeing that in others is one thing that makes me love it even more..I might not be able to march anymore but I'll be damned if I let that stop me from getting to teach and getting to watch kids that will be sitting exactly where I was and knowing that feeling that they're getting as they're watching a recording of their best performance or their worst..And being able to help them to find a way to control that and use it to make the show ever better if it was good, or clean it up if it was bad..
Giving up isn't an option..If you love something enough then you won't let anything stop you or keep you from it..And having that love for the activity is what has driven me this far and will drive me until I'm old and senile living across the street from the school so I can hear the drumline practicing..
That might be what made Da Bears so close..loving what we were doing and having respect for the activity and knowing that it could do some pretty awesome stuff..
A.D.T. Bear's metamorphosis from who he used to be to who he was after the season was a very interesting thing to behold..seeing him mature the way he did..I can't wait to be on the other side of that..being where Scott and Britton and Tony and Brad were watching this change in him..It's gonna be great to see that..I don't want to have to see it, but if I do it'll be great..seeing that maturation in someone..
And Baby Bear..The way he stepped up was very impressive..A lot of guys would've said 'oh I didn't get to march what I wanted to march so fck this I quit..' and left..But he didn't..And he was instead enrolled in Papa Bears school of "it can always be better and I'm gonna rag on you until it gets better..."..Being perfectly honest, at first I was worried..I was happy about having 6 basses and about Joey being top bass because getting to essentially mentor him for a season would be fun..It'd be like the good old times at Dacula..But I was worried that he wouldn't be able to hang..And, at first, he was having trouble..but as the season progressed and He, Katie, and I started getting closer he started getting better and better. And I felt a sense of pride..Not because I thought that he was getting better thanks to my helping him..I really felt like I was a proud father watching his son maturing and becoming a better musician..And once he started to get solid on his parts I started to get less worried..And by that time the bassline was in the midst of going through an internal war so it was nice knowing that the chaos still brought forth fruit..Honestly, during that whole period of having an a.w.o.l. bass3, a ship abandoning bass 4, and a...I can't even think of anything nice to say about Ayre...It was nice seeing that he was starting to get a grip on it all and was grasping what Katie and I were throwing at him...If not for him I would've given up at that point and chalked the season up as a failure..
I say this with absolutely no intent to disrespect Darren in any way...Deep down we all knew Matt was gonna be Drum Captain...It's not that Darren would've been a bad one..we obviously don't know that because it didn't happen..Indoor was interesting in that both Matt and Darren set out on ventures into new territory..Granted Matt started on snare, while Darren was on Tenors the entire season, they both did still end up going on a new journey..And both of them seemed to benefit and change, for the better thanks to those experiences..I think Matt's decision to move from "The Elite" section to what had become the weakest section at that point showed a lot about him and he gained a lot of respect, if not from any one else then certainly from me..I made sure to tell both he and Mike that I was grateful for what they had done and had gained respect for both of them because of the decision they made..Making that decision was the beginning of the maturation process for A.D.T. bear and was the beginning of some interesting times for Red Bear..
I don't think anybody knew what to expect that Sunday Afternoon when we were having the sectional..I know I hadn't a clue what to expect..Katie was gone so I knew it would be slightly more difficult to get Matt and Mike in with the 4/5 part missing. But we managed to somewhat pull it off. Like Britton said, that was the most notes the bassline had played all season..lol..That was another one of those proud moments for me..Hearing the runs somewhat pieced together, minus Mama Bears part..
Anyways..I think at this point Matt and I were still in the process of becoming closer friends..With the whole situation that had been going on during the winter and such(he knows what I'm talking about...in theory..if he remembers then he knows..and obviously my saying that means that no it's now what everybody is thinking it is..It was a very complicated situation)..so him becoming a part of our family kind of sped up the process tenfold..anywho..idk what I was talking about now..
Oh, right...So yeah..Matt was pretty much gonna be Drum Captain..Not that Darren couldn't do that job..Just that Matt had a lot more going for him at that point in time..
Mama Bear...not really much to say about her in regards to the season other than it was a very wild ride ;-)...lol...ok no more of that..lol..I remember quite a few times where we made the decision that the bassline would be just the two of us(during a sectional we actually started singing the song..it was pretty epic..lol..)..Getting to know Mama Bear during the season changed me a lot for the better..She's probably the only one that had a significant effect on me..I wasn't sure what to expect with having her on the bassline..My most prominent memory of her before the season was that day we went to the middle schools..that shit was funny dude..ridiculous middle schoolers laughing at the Guard..I half expected Katie to grab the kid and make him apologize..THAT would've been hilarious..anyways..All I really knew was that she was basically my chick counterpart..she was a hardass like me, worked her ass off like me, loved indoor like me, loved bass like me, and wanted us to be the best bassline like me..So basically she became the default 2nd in command..Hence her being Mama Bear.."First of all, yeah I am called mama bear, but that does not mean that I am their fucking mother, and have to clean up after them"..her exact words the night after the indoor practice that I wasn't there..lol..And that basically sums up how things were the entire season..her and her crazy awesomeness..It really brought in interesting element to counteract any and all insanity that manifested..Basically she's the one that kept the bassline happy..if not for her who knows how things may have gone during the season, especially when the bassline was scrapped and it was just the 3 of us..Mama Bear was the true essential cog in our entire operation..I take minimal credit in the success that we reached..Granted we could've been better, we got as far as we did as quickly as we did with the combination of she and I and our talented children..lol..
I miss Da Bears..I probably always will..To an extent I'm glad that I can't march anymore because I don't think any bassline could've topped that experience..sure it would've been sweet to have gotten to march Crown or OPT and play some killer licks and be badass..but no bassline will ever truly compare to Da Bears..and that's why they were, are, and always will be my family..
Da' Bears!!!
,Papa Bear
or Peanut Butter..lol..long story..
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