What is this Madness

So, there's a 60-80% chance people will be angry because of this. Luckily, no one actually reads anything I put on here, so it's all good.

Life has been interesting lately. Well, not really "lately", but rather over the past few months. I keep asking myself questions, and then wondering why I'm asking the questions I'm asking while simultaneously questioning the answers I'm giving to the questions that I'm questioning myself about.

Do I really want to do this? Is this really my passion? Am I really a bad person that thinks they're a good person, or a good person that thinks they're bad? Do people care? Why do I care if people care or not? Should I care? Why shouldn't I care? Is this what love feels like? Why can't I remember how that feels? Do I want to remember how that feels? Do I want to pursue it again? Would she even be interested in going down that path with me? Why do I have such a low opinion of myself? Do I have a low opinion of myself, or am I really as terrible, on the inside and outside, as I think I am? What if I'm wrong about every decision I've ever made? What if I'm not wrong and this is just the universe testing my resolve? What if it isn't a test and I'm going down the wrong path? Is it too late to change? Do I want to change? Can I change? How can I change? Why should I change?

For every question, there is an answer. And, for every answer, there are more questions. And for those questions, even more answers. And so on. And so on. Forever.
The depths to which I've over-analyzed everything in my life is frightening. I've gotten to the point where I think I'm wrong and right at the same time. I don't know which way is up or down, but I know my left from my right.

I have a lot of decisions I have to make. But, I never give myself enough time to make them. I'm at school, and then I'm at work. Or, I'm at school and then I'm at home...working. Or, I'm at school, and then I'm in rehearsal. And then I sleep for 4 hours and do it over again. I know I have to make a(some) decision(s), and I know my well-being depends on the decision(s). But, I refuse to confront the decision(s). So they just sit there, being undecided upon. And I just keep moving. Eventually things will move on, right? Eventually I'll find a way to get what I want (whatever that may be) without actually doing anything to benefit myself, right? Or, I won't get it and I'll just suck it up like I always do. Add it to the stack of pain.

I swear I didn't start out with the intention of making this be all about a girl, but it seems that that is what's most weighing on my mind. Which is absurd. I have many more decisions that are more "important" than this.
But, that's how it is with her. For the 5 minutes a day that we see each other, I'm the happiest, giddiest, kid on the planet. And then for the other 23 hours, 55 minutes, I'm 1,000 times less happy. And all I can do is think about her. And how I wish I weren't damaged like I am, so I could stop being such a chicken. So that I could make a damn decision. So, that I could stop thinking about how she is way too good for me, and we both would be better off if I did nothing. Save her from having to deal with me anymore than she does, and save me from the decades of heartache.

I want to say this is the first time since "blondie" that I've felt this way. But, the way I feel right now is infinitely more powerful than what I felt for her. Part of me says that that is good enough reason to pursue this. But, the majority of me thinks it's a terrible idea.

You can't experience joy without pain, but it seems like it's possible to stay in a never-ending stasis of pain. Pain is a feeling. It's better than being numb. I'd rather be hurt and angry than be happy and have that happiness torn from me again and be forced into a realm of even greater pain and anger.

No one will read this. No one will know that I'm suffering. No one will care. That's how it's always been. And, for now, that's how I like it. If no one cares, then everyone will leave me alone. Eventually I'll fade away.
Even in my happiest days, I've been in a constant state of depression. I don't see that ever changing.

                                              ,Mazzus Keesaji

Percussion Cover of "It Ends Tonight"

I recently began writing a Percussion Cover of "It Ends Tonight" by The All-American Rejects. This is the first 1/3 or so of the song.

It Ends Tonight {INC}

Writing Plays is Kinda Fun

Another(unfinished) project from last semester. Another play. ( Here's the first Play I posted, which people seemed to enjoy )
Re-reading this has allowed me to discover one of two things: Either I’m really funny, or I just greatly amuse myself. You be the judge.

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                                                                                                                                                                                  Rum

Characters
Craig Litser – College Student, Psychology Major. Doesn’t know how to cook
Eli Bay – College Student, ‘un-declared’. Too lazy to cook
Fran Lisa – College Student, Psychology-Sociology Double Major. Vegan.

Setting
Apartment of two college students in Tennessee.


ELI returns from the gym, sits on a stool in front of the kitchen counter.
ELI: So, what’s for dinner?
CRAIG: Ramen.
ELI: You know what I could go for?
CRAIG: I don’t care, Eli.
ELI: Salmon. Baked Salmon, with steamed vegetables and light-as-air biscuits.
CRAIG: That sounds great. But, unless you’re going to get off your ass and cook it, you’re going to be eating Ramen tonight.
ELI: You really ought to learn how to cook, bro. Especially if you’re going to move in with the Vegan chick.
CRAIG: Fran. Her name is Fran.
ELI: Whatever. Her name isn’t as important as the fact that she’s a Vegan. You know what that means?
CRAIG: She doesn’t eat meat.
ELI: Exactly! And, if she doesn’t eat meat, then there goes your manhood.
CRAIG: What are you talking about?
ELI: C’mon bro. Everybody knows that if you eat nothing but veggies you turn into a giant puss. That’s why you never see any masculine guys that are Vegans.
CRAIG: That makes absolutely no sense.
ELI: It makes PERFECT sense. You eat like a cow, or whatever, and then you turn into a giant puss. It’s how they get you.
CRAIG: Oh please. Not another government conspiracy.
ELI: Nope. Even worse. A conspiracy of the opposite sex.
CRAIG: (mumbles) Idiot
ELI: Don’t mock me. It’s the truth. They feed you like an animal because they want to train you to act like one. Make you more submissive. Turn you into a giant puss. It’s a scientific fact.
CRAIG: Alright. First off, what do you know about science? And secondly, wherever you got that information from – assuming it isn’t from your incredibly warped imagination – is clearly not a reputable source.
ELI: (sighs) Don’t say I didn’t warn you bro.
(Fran enters, rolls her eyes as she walks past Eli. Smiles as she stands beside Craig)
ELI: Well, speak of the devil
FRAN: Why am I not surprised that you were sitting here talking about yourself. So self-centered.
ELI: (scoffs) You’re so hilarious. Really. I’m in stiches.
CRAIG: If I didn’t know any better I’d think you two were the couple, with the way you argue.
FRAN and ELI: That’s not funny, Craig.
CRAIG: (pauses) That was a bit too creepy for my taste.
FRAN: Speaking of taste. (looks down at bowl of Ramen) That stuff isn’t good for you.
ELI: Oh, here we go.
FRAN: It’s true. They deep-fry animal toe-nails and mix it with their hair. It’s so disgusting. You shouldn’t eat that stuff. I have some organic carrots, if you want. (pulls bag of carrots from her purse)
CRAIG: No thanks, babe. I’ll take my chances with the (pauses) deep-fried animal toe-nails and hair.
FRAN: Suit yourself. I’ll let that slide for now, but once we get married it’s all Vegan all the time. I won’t have you dying on me because of your terrible food choices.
ELI: (mumbling) No. She would much rather have you dying when she stabs you in your sleep after finding out that you ate a doughnut at work.
CRAIG: It’s a good thing that’s a while away.
FRAN: What’s that supposed to mean? (angrily bites into a carrot)
ELI: That poor defenseless carrot. What did it ever do to you?
FRAN: You shut your mouth, Eli. Craig, what was that? “A while away”? So, you hate me now? Just because I said you can’t eat Ramen?
CRAIG: (stuttering, trying to find something to say in defense of himself)
ELI: You do realize you sound like a crazy person, right? How did you get “hate” from his basically saying “if we do get married, it definitely won’t be tomorrow”?
FRAN: I AM NOT CRAZY! (angrily bites into another carrot)
ELI: Again, with the carrot-abuse. I’m going to call PETA, or whatever their vegetable-abuse equivalent is.
FRAN: Craig, are you going to say something? Your friend just called me crazy.
CRAIG: She (pauses) She isn’t crazy, Eli. She’s just emotional. Which I understand. (pauses) I didn’t mean to say that the way it came out. Of course I don’t hate you, Fran. But, I also don’t want to get married -
FRAN: (interrupting Craig) Ever?! But, why?!
CRAIG: I didn’t say that. Let me finish. (pauses) I don’t want to get married anytime soon. We’re still in college. Let’s try to graduate and get our bearings in the real world before we talk about stuff like that.
ELI: (mumbles) Hopefully by then you’ll be rid of this psycho.
FRAN: If all of your friends are assholes like Eli, then you won’t have anything to worry about. I don’t think I’d be able to stomach the idea of being with someone who surrounds himself with idiots.
CRAIG: Eli isn’t an idiot. And, aren’t you still overreacting a little bit. Did you hear anything I just said?
FRAN: Sure. You said we won’t ever get married.
ELI: Wait. Did she just -
CRAIG: That’s not what I said. I said we can get married, in the future. But, we should be older and better acclimated with the real world, before we do that.
ELI: I think -
FRAN: There is no future, Craig. It’s 2011. The world is going to end in 2012. We’re all doomed. If we don’t get married RIGHT NOW then it will never happen.
ELI: And, yet I’m the idiot. I happen to have a 4.3 GPA, by the way.
FRAN: Yeah, but you don’t take any real classes. You take nothing but electives. You’re a lazy bum. And, I’m not an idiot. The Mayans -
ELI: The Mayans were an Ancient race that was, for the record, wiped out by invading Europeans. Even if they did have a calendar that went past 2012, maybe those idiots burned it up. Or, maybe the Mayans were working on it before they were invaded.
FRAN: There would at least be a record of -
ELI: Don’t interrupt me. You’re going to miss the most irrefutable part of this argument.
CRAIG: Oh boy. Here we go.
ELI: Maybe the Mayans, in their infinite wisdom, thought, “Gee, Two-Thousand and Twelve is a long time from now. Surely, by then future civilizations will have grasped the concept of writing down the date in a consecutive manner, and keeping the months in order. Surely, they will be intelligent enough to at least grasp that simple concept, and won’t fuck it up and make every day Monday or Wednesday or whatever. Surely, they will grasp the concept of counting to 30 and then starting over”.
(CRAIG and FRAN look at one another as ELI catches his breath)
CRAIG: Can I just say, that is the most logical argument you’ve ever made. Seriously, where did that come from?
FRAN: An article on ‘The Rum’. My favorite internet site ever. I guess even idiots know how to navigate the internet.
ELI: (scoffs) Wrong, again, psycho Vegan. I wrote that article. In fact, I’m the creator of ‘The Rum’. (pauses) Not such an idiot now, am I?
FRAN: No way.
CRAIG: And all this time I thought you were so protective of your computer because you didn’t want me to find your porn collection.
ELI: I wish I had time to watch porn. But, I’m so busy looking up stuff to write about, I don’t have time. Plus, I can’t risk getting a virus and someone hacking my system and stealing my articles.
FRAN: (still in disbelief) I can’t believe you are the creator of ‘The Rum’. The greatest thing to ever happen to the internet was created by (pauses) By a Neanderthal. This completely shatters my world views. I think I’m going to be sick.
ELI: Joke all you want, crazy, but the joke’s on you. You’ve secretly been worshipping me all this time.
FRAN: (gasps) Oh no!
ELI: Oh yes. Oh yes.
CRAIG: Ok. I’m a little confused right now. What are you two going on about?
ELI: Your girlfriend here -
FRAN: Eli, please don’t tell him! Please! I’m begging you! I’ll do anything.
ELI: That wouldn’t be the first time you made that promise to me.
FRAN: Well, if had known it was you -
ELI: But, you didn’t because you’re a giant, assuming ‘holier-than-thou’ asshole who thinks she knows everything.
CRAIG: Alright. First-off, don’t call my girlfriend an asshole. Secondly, what the hell are you guys talking about?
ELI: Well, my friend. Your girlfriend here has been sending me all sorts of fan mail -
FRAN: Oh god.
ELI: Fan mail that has been very (pauses) sexual, in nature.
CRAIG: Sexual? What? This is a joke, right?
FRAN: Yes. It’s just a cruel sick joke. My worst nightmare, come to life.
ELI: Oh, this is no joke. I have proof. I print out every fan letter I receive, should I need to bring it to the police one day. You just never know.
CRAIG: Still hoping some crazy hot girl will stalk you and try to force you to have sex with her?
ELI: I’m halfway there. I’ve got the crazy and the girl parts down (looks over to FRAN) But, I’m still missing the key component of her being hot.
CRAIG: This all sounds too much like a crappy sitcom plotline.
FRAN: That’s because it is. You know Eli. Always trying to pull people’s strings. He’s just joking around. Right, Eli?
(Eli pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his back-pocket. He unfolds it and begins reading)
ELI: (clears throat) Dear writer and editor of ‘The Rum’, I adore you.
FRAN: That could be from anyone.
ELI: Oh, it says your name at the bottom. See (shows Craig the paper)
CRAIG: Wow. I never pictured you as the type to write letters to people unless it was about saving kittens or something.
FRAN: Craig!
ELI: Very nice. I wish I had thought of that.


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Again, it’s not done(which seems to be my major issue with everything I write. *sigh*). Any feedback would be great.

                                                                                                                                                                            ,Mazzus Keesaji

It’s Story Time

So, last semester I decided to take a Creative Writing Class. It was a fun experience, and it helped me a lot with my writing. It also helped a lot with my confidence in my writing. We learned about the different forms of writing and how to use certain tools in situations to change a story entirely. I loved it.

This is a story that I wrote when we were working on Dialogue. It's got A LOT missing, but I think that the missing parts are what makes the story that much more suspenseful. It'd be very much appreciated if you guys could read this and let me know what you think. Or not. Just throwing this(and probably a few others in the coming days) out there for the heck of it.

Anyways, here's the story.

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                                                                                                                                                                         Breaking Point

The young man sat, restless. The expensive leather couch he sat on adjusted to his movements, fitting his body as he moved to rest his feet on the also expensive leather ottoman. He sat for a moment, silent.
“If you’re that bored why don’t you go out and do something? We live in freaking Los Angeles. If you can’t find a way to be amused out here, you’re not going to find any amusement anywhere.” A voice came from across the room.
“I can only be amused if there’s something entertaining. And nothing fun ever happens on a weeknight. And, we don’t live in L.A. We live NEAR L.A. And, besides, I wrecked the Jag and got my license suspended, remember?”
“I’ll disregard you being a smartass and chalk it up to Cabin Fever. Why don’t you have Jim drive you?”
“It’s almost midnight. The guy has a family. I’ll be fine. I can find something to do around here.”
“He has a family that he’s able to feed because he works for us. Call him, and if he says no tell him he’s fired. And don’t pull that ‘If you’re up for it’ crap, anymore. They work for us. If they think we’re nice, they’ll take advantage of us. ‘I was hoping to spend tonight with my family’ will turn into ‘I need to take the month off’, and we don’t want that.”
The young man sighed. Ever since their parents died, leaving them with a fortune, his brother had been turning more and more into a spoiled asshole. ‘If mom could see the way he turned out, she would be ashamed,’ he thought.

“I can’t believe that! You guys really should stand up to those spoiled brats. Just because they’re rich doesn’t mean they get to treat other people like crap.” Jim’s wife stood in-front of her husband, disbelief etched across her face.
“Yeah, but those spoiled brats are the reason we’re in this house, and the kids are in such a good school. Not to mention that SUV we got out in the garage was a gift from them. And, it’s not both of them. That older kid, he’s the real trouble. His brother, though, seems like a really good kid.” Jim half-smiled as he looked from the kitchen, to the living room where his kids were playing. ‘To think, just a few years ago we didn’t have any of this.’ He thought.

“Is everything alright? You kids need me to take you to the emergency room, or something?” Silence. “Hel-“
“You know what, Jim? There is an emergency. The emergency is that I’m bored as hell and you’re at home sitting on your ass. So, how about you get in that fancy SUV I GAVE you and get over here. I want to go out tonight.”
Jim, shocked, began reaching into the abyss, looking for words to grasp at in response. Sure, he expected this from the older brother, but the younger one was never any trouble for him at all. Finally, calmly, he spoke, “I was actually hoping to spend some time with my family tonight, if that’s alright. I know you boys have a big week next week, so I wanted to spend some time with my family now since I won’t get to see them too often.”
Guilt. It hit hard at first, but his brothers words continued playing in his mind. “I don’t care about next week, Jim. I care about tonight. And, tonight, I want to go out. So, either you get your ass over here, or I’ll find somebody who will and then you can spend as much time as you want with your kids, because you’ll be out of a job and they won’t be in that nice, fancy school anymore.”
Jim began to speak, but paused. He wanted to listen to his wife, and stand up for himself. But, he also wanted to keep his job, and make sure his kids continued getting their stellar education. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes, sir.” Jim said.
“Make it ten”

Jim sat, in silence, driving the stretch limo. It was nearing 3AM and he had done nothing but drive the past 2 hours. Every place they went to was either closed, full, or peaked little interest from his passenger. 2 hours of driving, waiting, and driving some more. No words were spoken, aside from ‘stop here’, and ‘wait in the car’. Jim could feel his eyes beginning to heavy, and his vision began to blur.
“I’d like to stop and get some coffee, maybe fill up the tank as well, if that’s alright.” Jim said into the intercom linking him to the back of the limo.
“That’s fine Jim. Just make it quick. I want to go home.”
As the limousine pulled next to a gas pump, Jim noticed a dark blue SUV pulling in behind him. He paused for a moment, but brushed off the thought. He swiped the credit card, put the nozzle into the side of the limo, and began walking inside for his coffee. Jim, once again, paused as he opened the door to the gas station. As he began turning, a man exiting through the door he was holding open thanked him. Jim nodded, disregarded his thought, and went inside to get his coffee.
‘This thing is taking forever. I hope the kid doesn’t get pissed at me,’ Jim thought as he waited for the coffee machine to finish his extra-large cup. Confusion came across his face when he noticed the cashier, and a handful of fellow customers, looking through the glass doors. He stood on his tip-toes in an attempt to see over the shelves, but gave up when he heard the coffee machine *ding*. ‘Finally’, Jim turned around and grabbed the cup. He winced, reacting to the heat emanating from the cup. He paid for his coffee, along with a magazine and a pack of gum.
“What was that commotion, earlier,” Jim asked.
“Oh, just some homeless guys harassing a customer. That happens a lot, especially when you’re driving a limousine. These people aren’t exactly-Sir you forgot your receipt!”
The cashier watched as Jim bolted out of the door, and ran to the limo, hoping that nothing had happened. ‘Worst case scenario, he will just be really pissed off, right?’ Jim asked himself. He knocked on the window, and waited. Nothing.

“They think you did what?!”
“They think I killed the kid. You gotta get me out of here. I need to make sure my wife and kids know I’m innocent. I’ll pay you back the money, I promise. Just come bail me out, please.” Jim still couldn’t believe the situation he was in. It was bad enough that he had to deal with seeing a dead person for the first time in his life, but he also had been accused of killing him and was being held under suspicion for that reason. His night couldn’t possibly get much worse, could it?
“Jim, buddy, you have to understand why I’m about to ask you this, alright?”
“Ask me what? What are you talking about?”
“It’s just, I know you Jim. I know you didn’t like those kids bossing you around. I know they drove you pretty crazy.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Jim, how do I know you didn’t kill the kid? You hated them, so it makes sense. It was early in the morning, you were tired and frustrated, and wanted to go home to your family. Maybe you just”
“I didn’t snap! I didn’t kill the damn kid. He was dead when I came out of the station.”

Months passed by. The first court hearing was filled with hearsay and accusations, with very little proof. The judge, however, wasn’t willing to dismiss the trial just yet; having seen Jim’s lack of self-control for himself, when he tried Jim on a juvenile case many years ago, the judge knew this wasn’t completely out of Jim’s range to do something like this.

Jim sat, across from his wife, a different man than he was just a few short months ago. Tired, defeated, and angry, he could barely manage to fake a smile. Not that it mattered. His wife knew him better than anyone. She would know if he was faking it.
“The kids miss you a lot.” Jim’s wife broke the silence. “They keep asking when you’ll come home, and why you’re here.”
“What do you tell them?”
She sighed. “That it’s all a mistake. But, they’re starting to hear things. The kids at school are bullying them, and their friends aren’t allowed to play with them anymore. Jim, everything is starting to fall apart.”
“I’ll talk to the guys, see what I can do. If I’m in here, I want you and the kids to still be taken care of.” Jim’s face changed. The defeat vanished, as his worry and love for his family, took control.
“It’s not about that, Jim. Everything is fine. The older one has been coming by the house, making sure everything is okay. He said that he blamed himself for this, and wanted to help us any way he could. He’s even been picking the kids up from school for me, while I was working. He’s been”
“Don’t let him near our children again. He is a terrible person. He will poison our kids, turn them against us. It won’t end well for anybody. Trust me, please. That kid needs to stay away from our family. I have some money stashed away, for emergencies. And I’m sure you have some friends that can watch the kids. Or, what about your sister?”
She looked over to Jim, silently. There was calmness, stillness, in her voice as she spoke,” Jim, I trust him. He has done nothing but be helpful to us, despite the fact that you are being accused of killing his brother. I’m going to keep trusting him, because we need someone to take care of our family, while you are in here. And, I can’t do that alone, Jim.” She paused. A look came over her, only for a second, but Jim caught it. “We- I’ll bring the kids by to see you soon.” She smiled, stood up, and turned to leave.
Jim sat, speechless. He wanted to not believe the stories his mind was fabricating, but being locked away had already begun to warp his mind. His paranoia began running rampant, but he dared not speak on it. He just hid the thought, in the far recesses of his mind, not knowing that it would do nothing but grow and take control of him.

“Has the jury reached a decision?” The judge looked out over the courtroom. Everyone there seemed to all have identical looks on their faces. They already knew the outcome of this trial.
“We have, your honor,” the juror paused. “We unanimously believe that this man is guilty of all charges. The evidence, along with his own confession, makes us all one-hundred percent certain that this man killed his two bosses and his own wife in an act of passionate rage.” The juror paused, looking from the judge to Jim, before sitting down.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself, sir?” The judge looked at Jim, a look of disgust on his face, the same look he had pinned on his face from the first time I laid eyes on him.
“If my mother were alive right now she’d have kicked me in the ass, as soon as she found out about this. I know she’s watching me now, so I’ll say, ‘sorry momma. But, every man has his breaking point and mine were reached.’”

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Hope you liked it. I'll be posting more in due time. Just trying to pick which ones I want to post.

                                                                                                                                                                                             ,Mazzus Keesaji

Psychology and Psychosis III–TJ’s Art of War

So, we’ve covered Why none of you really have anything to worry about and My fantastic love-hate relationship with everybody who has ever existed ever in the history of everything


Now, it’s time to get into the real stuff. The stuff I don’t actually want to talk about, but have to talk about because it’s been eating at me for years and I need to let it out.

We actually covered a bit of this in Part II, but it never hurts to go into detail about certain subjects, so that’s what we’re doing here. “Details are what make life interesting.” I’m sure somebody said that.

The Theory


As was discussed in PP-II, I’m not much of a people person. And, for the most part, people don’t really dig the idea of being around me all that much. So, theoretically, this is the perfect situation. But, every once in a while I get this feeling like Person A would actually be a very good person to have in my life. But, then the reality sets it.

I’m not too good with this whole ‘being a normal person’ thing. It’s a challenge for me to carry on a conversation with anyone who isn’t inside of my brain and, therefore, bends to my every demand(unless I’m having one of those really bad days where I can’t control anything that goes on in my mind and everything is just nonsense. Those are awesomesauce.).
So, my natural demeanor is to just sit here and let people talk. They talk, I listen. I throw in input, if I feel it will help, and then let them talk some more. That’s just how it is.
And that’s with normal relationships. But, every once in a while, I find myself thinking the most frightening thought imaginable: “I like her.”
That worries me because, considering how often I get sick of being around myself, it stands to reason that other people definitely wouldn’t want to be. Especially not in that sense. And, given my ‘glorious’ record of ‘incredible’ past relationships, I thinks it’s safe to say my theory is not unfounded or based on paranoia.


The Reasons


There are plenty of reasons why that scares the piss out of me.
Relationships are messy. People’s feelings get hurt, and they can change who you are as a person(more often than not, it can be for the worse. Because, usually, a relationship ends in a bad way. And bad things happening almost never ends with a positive outcome.). Nobody wants that. No matter how much they may hate being alone, it’s much better than being with someone, getting hurt, and then being alone with a giant hole in your heart because somebody took a part of you when they broke it.

But, it’s more than just fear of the pain that may come if it ends badly. The fear comes from the sense that there’s a lack of knowing. A lack of people knowing me and, much worse, a lack of me knowing myself. It’s difficult to let other people in and see who you are, when you don’t known who you are. The dynamic of my ever changing mindset makes the ability for me to let people in near-impossible. That’s why it’s so rare. I can’t give you knowledge that I, myself, don’t even have.
Which is terrible because, when I get the urge to open up to someone and possible try to start something, I don’t know where to begin because it’s all a giant mess. That’s the main reason I’m still sitting here, doing nothing. It’s not that I don’t want to say anything, it’s that I can’t because I don’t know how.

Though, it is worth noting, I’ve had some instances where people have managed to help me learn things about myself. Things I didn’t know, and probably never would’ve known if it weren’t for them being in my life to the capacity in which they were involved. So it would make sense if, as someone from my past said, “One day you’ll meet a person who will teach you much more about yourself than anyone ever has. And, hopefully that girl will find a way to finally make you a happy person.”(Way to put a ton of pressure on every girl I’m ever going to meet. You’re such a good friend.)

The other part of that is the fear that the person I am now may not be capable of being in a normal relationship. And that not only frightens me, but also ticks me off.
All of the past relationships ended in damage. Massive amounts of damage. It wasn’t fun. At all. But, it’s been 3 years since the last one. That’s enough time to mature and change, which I have done. But, the specter of those past failures definitely still haunts me. I suppose I won’t know what I’m capable of until I’m put in a situation where I have to find out.
Baptism by Fire, as it were.



How Much Do You Know


That question often determines everything. People who know me, know my past and know how I operate, they’re the ones that are smart enough to know not to get too involved. Unless they have some sort of desire to fix damaged people, or are just masochists.
But, the problem is that knowing nothing about a person makes it much less likely for you to want to be involved with that person in any capacity. So, in order to break past that barrier, I’d have to let people at least get a foot in the door. And, I’d have to fight the temptation to stomp on their toes once they do so. Uncomfortable for everybody. Nobody wants to deal with that. Having to fight to get in, and fight to stay in. Me having to fight myself to let them in and fight myself ever harder to let them stay in. It’s all a mess. But, it is what it is, right? Until the day somebody finds a way to get in without setting off all of the alarms and without having to walk on eggshells. But, the worry is that such a person doesn’t exist. And that I’ll have to change everything. Or, at least, the majority of the things. And that is a task I’m not looking forward to tackling anytime soon.  Let alone doing so on my own, which is where it seems my life is headed in the foreseeable future.


What Does It All Mean


In the end, it’s all on me. I’m well aware of this fact. But, I’m also well aware of the kind of person I am. The dangers I face in letting myself open up to someone again. But, I know if I do it would probably work out pretty well.
The only issue is that, between now and whenever a decision is made, I’ll be sitting here continuously over-analyzing ever last second of the day and every interaction we have. Because that’s just the way I am. I think too much. About everything. Literally. That’s something I know I still need to change. I need to find a way to quite my mind. Being a creative is not worth this constant awareness I have. Not by a long shot. I’d rather be an idiot than be this way. My mind is constantly on overdrive. That’s probably why I have to do this as often as I do. To keep my sanity.



Part IV is coming soon. While writing this I remembered that I’ve got another big one to write about. It should be pretty interesting. Something you ‘normal’ people might actually be able to relate to, as well.

Hoping you know me a little better, but trying not to think too much about it(especially since you probably won’t read this)
                                                                                                                                     , Mazzus Keesaji

Surprise Promotion (like Surprise Dice, but less…Dicey. Or something.)

I’ve known about this for a few weeks now, but I wanted to wait until it was 100% official. Also, I wasn’t really sure if anyone would give a crap. But, I have thoughts swarming around in my head, and I need to get them out. And that’s what a blog is for. So, here goes.

As of this Summer I am the full-time Marching Percussion Director of a High School down here in Georgia. But, I was a bit less excited at first(and that’s coming back to me now)
1. This is completely out of my comfort zone.
-I’ve only been with this school for 2 years(this will be my second).
-And it’s a show-style band. The way they do things is very much different from what I’m used to.
2. This came completely out of Left Field. Hell, this came from the other side of the ocean.
-I wasn’t told by the Percussion Director, or the Band Directors(who didn’t even know about it until I told them). I was told by one of the Alumni who had seen him(the PD) at the grocery store. There was no forewarning at all. It was just, “Surprise. You’re Percussion Caption now.”

The worst part about it is: I don’t think I’m ready for this just yet.
The Band Directors(Hands down my favorite BD’s I’ve worked with, so far. They’re both fantastic), and the rest of the staff, are awesome.
The kids, themselves, are trying to adapt as well.

This caught everyone off guard. It’s going to take time for everyone to get things back to normal.

I suppose I’m worrying for nothing. Just wouldn’t have hurt to have had some advance notice. We could’ve started sooner to get everybody comfortable sooner. As opposed to finding out in the middle of a rehearsal that I’m taking over.

Make no mistake, I’m very excited about this.
But, I’m also extremely nervous.
This is my chance to do something I’ve always wanted, so I might as well make the most of it.



If any of you old people have advice, it’d be greatly appreciated.



A very apprehentious, but excited newly-minted Percussion Caption
,Mazzus Keesaji

USMNT Makes My Brain Hurt

Haven't blogged in a while, but after that Gold Cup Final, I had to get this all out and Twitter wasn't cutting it tonight.

Where to begin...

Don't fire Bob Bradley.
There, I said it. I've been in the "Fire Coach Sweats" Camp for a while(I was just a lot less vocal than most of the others who shared that opinion).
The list of things BB has done wrong is probably longer than the list of things BB has done right.
But, the tired “Fire Bob because we need a change” argument is getting old. And, frankly it’s kind of wrong.

When we complain about Bob Bradley the first thing that comes to mind is the Team coming out flat at the beginning of matches. That was still evident, but in the biggest match of the tournament didn’t they score 2 goals in the first half? Doesn’t seem flat to me.

Next issue: Bob’s ridiculous lust with the base 4-4-2 formation. Well, he kicked that in the ass and had some success doing it. 4-2-3-1 up in this bitch.

Another big issue: Bob’s Player selection. This one is easy. Bob can’t control when a player gets injured. He’s not magic. He’s human. Also, for the flack he gets, shouldn’t he get some credit for Freddy freaking Adu? Seriously. Everybody and their grandma said that selection was a terrible idea. And now everybody is all on Freddy again because HE KICKED ASS. But, Bob clearly had nothing to do with that. He didn’t evaluate Freddy and put him on the roster.


Hey Landon, Where are you?
Remember when Landon scored that goal last Summer? Remember how awesome he was? Now think about all of the Gold Cup matches. Specifically, in the 2nd Halves of matches Landon started. Our 10-shirt has been AWOL in the 2nd half all Summer. Seriously. I’m starting to think that he cursed himself with that goal. LD needed to show up, and he did with that goal in the 1st Half. But, when the team needed him to do what Landon Donovan does best, he was nowhere to be found.
Granted, he didn’t see the ball much(most of the US players didn’t, sans-set piece opportunities.) still, he just didn’t do anything. Deuce is the greatest contrast to Landon, while still being the closest thing to his equal. We all know Clint Dempsey is, hands down, the best all-around player for the USMNT. Landon is the ‘face’ of the team, but Deuce does everything. Before there was Landon scoring that goal, there was Clint Dempsey making the run and taking the initial shot point-blank and essentially stopping the keeper from being able to save LD’s shot.

Landon isn’t old, yet. He’s at, or approaching, his peak. He’s got plenty of good football left in him, he just hasn’t been playing it lately. Why? Who knows. Maybe his 2 month twitter hiatus has actually ruined him. Point is, he’s got to step it up. We shouldn’t have to start looking for the ‘Landon Donovan heir apparent’ for another 5-6 years. But, if he continues his current run of form, we will need to have that player in place by AT LEAST the next World Cup.


The Ghost of Tim Howard
Let me first say this: If you think Tim Howard wasn’t at fault last night then you are 100% wrong. That’s all there is to it. I know we’re all used to Timmy being epic and one of the few bright spots when the US loses, but last night he was not that. He was terrible. So put on your Bornstein Pajamas and stop Defending him(see what I did there. Bornstein Pajam…ya know, my humour is appreciated elsewhere. Screw you guys, I’m going home.)

This really only pertains to the match against Mexico, and there were a lot of factors that played into this, but it’s definitely still worth mentioning: How effing terrible was Tim Howard in that final match? Of all the people to completely shit the bed in a big match, Timmy is the LAST person you’d expect. Seriously, the list of players that you expect to play like crap goes 1. Every other player in the USMNT Player Pool 2. Tim Howard.
The big issue was that his defenders completely let him down. BUT, some of those goals were directly the result of Tim Howard trying too hard to be Tim Howard and not be a regular ass Goalkeeper. Sometimes the super saves aren’t what we need. Sometimes you need to just be in the right effin spot. But, Tim forgets that sometimes(see: MOST of the time). He’s a great Keeper. Easily Top 10 in the World. But, something he lacks that guys like Manu Neuer and Saint Iker have is the ability to know when to make the superb show-stopping save and when to stay on your goddamn like and not go charging out at an attacking player and flail on the ground hoping you’ll take the ball off of his foot before he gets a shot off. I seriously almost attacked my TV in rage when Tim did that. Seriously. My TV was almost sacrificed because of his stupidity.


Those Damn Injuries(and a really tired German)
Charlie Davies instead of Wondo would’ve been nice.
Stu Holden, anybody?
Jay DeMerit back when he knew how to stay healthy?
Gooch back when he wasn’t utter shite?
Timmy Chandler attacking up the flanks would’ve been fan-effin-tastic.

There are certainly others. Benny Feilhaber comes to mind(although, Ale Bedoya showed up big time when he was called on. Wasn’t consistent, but when he was on, he was really on. Kid looked good. Bright future in the SA-Kit for sure.)
Point is, There’s a half-dozen what-if’s to consider. Those injuries made life infinitely more difficult for Bob and everybody else. If the US had their full A-Team, who knows what could’ve happened.


Another Disappointment(?)
It was said heading into the Gold Cup, and it’s worth repeating: Mexico is far-and-away better than the US. El Tri are taking massive steps forward. USMNT? They’re just kinda there. Is that Bob’s fault? Maybe. The players definitely have a lot of improvement that needs to be made. Otherwise, 2002 looks more and more like a gigantic fluke. People stateside refuse to accept that, and the players no doubt will as well. But, until they actually put in the results, isn’t it going to seem more and more like that’s the case?




An extremely worried about Brazil 2014 USMNT Supporter

                                                                                             ,Mazzus Keesaji



P.S.: Hoping for a good result for Germany’s WNT today, and a good tournament from them. Home Turf this year. Make it a treble, and do what the boys couldn’t back in 2006.
And, of course, Good luck to USWNT. Gotta pull for the Americans. At least, until they face Germany. Then all bets are off.

P.P.S: If anyone in\near Atlanta wants to hang and watch the matches, I’m going to be at Fado’s in Atlanta for most of the Matches.

Help Fix My Dialogue: Part I

I NEED YOUR HELP! Yes YOU! Random person #8 reading this in Canada and\or Japan(according to Blogger, those are my major non-USA Demo’s. I’m going global bitches!)(also, yes I said and\or, thus leaving open the possibility that someone is in both Canada and Japan simultaneously. I don’t know how it’s happening but you never know, You just never know.)
*EDIT
Just checked blogger. My major demo's are now Russia and The Ukraine. That's pretty intense.

As some(see: all, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve read\tweeted) of you may know, I’m a writer, of sorts. By that I mean,  try to be a writer. While my classmates, and teachers, in my English and Lit Classes have all said I am a good writer, I feel I am not(I’m 4’11”. My ego is more fragile than a millimeter thin sheet of glass. What do you want from my life.). And, while they all say that my dialogue is amazing, I think it’s a giant piece of poop.

And, as you can tell by my incredibly catchy and creative title, that’s why you are here. To help me fix it. So, here’s the deal. I’m currently 40-ish pages deep into a story. I want to make sure I’m not wasting my time pushing forward when I need to fix what I already have. So you, yes you(!) will help me. How? By reading, of course! I’m going to post some chunks of dialogue from my story(tentatively titled, ‘Bloody Rose Pt. II’{long story, in regard to the sequel status}). You will not be given an pre-story before hand(although, there may or may not be a bit of that after the dialogue or at the very end of this blog post. I’m going to do this writer-style and see where the arc takes me before I make any executive decisions.). I just want to see how well the dialogue stands on its own, and whether you can get an idea of who these characters truly are, from what they say. I’m going to try to put as little ‘action’ in as possible. All I need you to do is read, and critique. And, if you want to read more, I will gladly let you do so.

Bit of the Disclaimer: Some people will recognize elements of this story. However, it’s OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE to do 2 things: 1 – forget everything you heard. and 2 – realize that 95% of what I’ve written is FICTION. Also, if you feel obligated 3 – realize that I’ve felt like a giant piece of shit for 3 years, and still do, despite the fact that what everyone thinks they know is not what really happened. And, a suggest 4 – Please still read this. And then you can tell me how much you hate it and hate me. It’s a win-win! And a lose-lose for me. What better outcome for this, than those 2 things.


Set I -

"Ok so what are the odds that we all end up dating the same girl. That won't happen right?" Zach asked.
"It better not. That might be a little weird. Us all dating the same girl. If that happens I call Fridays." Aaron said.
"Not what he meant dumbass. He meant us all, at some point in time, having dated the same girl. Kinda like what happened with Erin." Alex said.
"Yeah, except you didn't actually date her you loser."
"And whose fault is that Aaron?"
"Hey man. You didn't have to listen to me." Aaron smirked.
"Yeah, but I did. How was I supposed to know this would happen? And you've killed other chances too, ya ass" Alex said, half smiling.
"Well, one thing we don't have in common with you is Kayla." Aaron said.
"That's not entirely true. If I'm not mistaken you two had a bit of a thing before I got here. Get with the program Zach. You’re slackin’." Alex laughed.
"No. That's all-right with me. I'll leave that one to you guys. Here's an idea. You guys fight to the death for her. Ready, go." The three laughed.
“What’s so funny, guys?” Erin walked over to where the three were with a smile on her face as she watched the three laughing.
“Oh nothing. We’re just having another one of our weird guy talks that you hate so much.” Zach said. Erin rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
“You should probably stop staring. You’ll make Kayla jealous.” Aaron said to Alex.
---
This set is actually at the very beginning of the story. As in, it’s the first dialogue you read. It introduces Alex(the main character) his two closest friends(Aaron, and Zach) and(I feel) their very quirky relationship and this really un-desirable bond they have with one-another(having, all at separate points in time, been involved with the same girl(s)) It also semi-introduces Erin(who plays a HUGE role in the next few chapters) and in a spoken-of way, Kayla(the other ‘main character’ for much of the first half of the story. Don’t worry, she doesn’t die. At least, I don’t think she does.)

Set II -


Anna smiled as she reached Alex. “Hey, I have a question.” Anna said.
“Alright, what is it?” Alex asked.
“You took Physics last year right?”
“Yeah. Why? Dr. Angio being tough on you guys?” Alex asked, smirking.
“Oh god. You have no idea. He is the hardest teacher I've ever had. I hate his class. And I really, really need help. Can you help me? Please?” Anna said, with her hands clasped.
“Alright, alright. What do you need help with? I'll see what I can do.” Alex said.
“I just need help with this lab report we have to do. He has us doing a bunch of weird stuff that I don't know how to explain. I'm so confused.”
“Ok. I did pretty well on my labs, so I should be able to help you out. When is it due?”
“Ummm...tomorrow morning...”
“What the hell Anna...”
“I know. If you can't help then it's ok. I guess I can figure it out on my own.”
“Oh, way to make me feel guilty. You're lucky I was going to agree to help anyways. So, how are we going to do this?”
“I was thinking we just meet up tomorrow morning before school? I have most of the lab done already, but I just need to make sure it's right. And there are some parts that I'm not sure about.” Anna said.

---
First, let me say Anna is as dumb as this makes her appear to be. She is, in reality, one of the smartest characters I’ve ever written. And, no, this isn’t that “pretend to be dumb to you can hang out with hot smart person” bs either. This is called being human. We can’t all understand everything. And, this allows me to perfectly set up the first ‘major-arc’ in the story. The Alex-Anna Conflict(Which, honestly, doesn’t last that long at first.)

Set III -


Aaron sat, with a puzzled look, opposite Alex. The two had just spent the morning recapping their weekends, and Alex made a surprising revelation to his best friend.
“How is it possible that you’ve managed to jump from Erin to Anna to Kayla, then back to Erin and now Anna AND Kayla?” Aaron asked, after moments of silence while he attempted to comprehend what his friend had told him.
“Doesn't matter anymore. Only one that I know that doesn't like me is Kayla. And that can't happen ‘cause she's with that asshole, Chris.” Alex said.
“Wait. I know what happened with Erin, and obvious roadblocks are keeping you and Kayla apart. What happened between you and Anna? Did I miss something?” Aaron asked.
“Oh right, I forgot I hadn’t told you about that yet. So, last night Anna and I were hanging out.”
“You guys went on a date?”
“It was something like that. It started off innocent enough, but then we started talking about stuff and then craziness happened.”
“Dude, you sound like such a girl. What exactly happened?”
“We had a great time. Got to know each other a lot better. And we made out. We literally made out for a half hour. It was epic. And after that I took her home and we sat in my car and talked for a while and then made out in the car. And I thought everything was great between us, but then this morning she text me and said it can’t ever happen again. Didn’t give any reasons for it. She just said it can’t happen again, and I haven’t heard from her since then.” Alex said.
“Harsh. Aaron said.
“Yeah. And, I have no clue what happened. All I know is, last night we were great, and things were on the road to us dating. And now, she won’t even talk to me.” Alex said, the level of frustration rising as he spoke.
“Relax, dude. Anna isn’t a bad chick. I’m sure there is a good explanation behind this. Maybe it’s hormones or something.” Aaron said.
Alex sighed. “I hope not. Because that would mean that it was the hormones that led to all of this happening in the first place. I’d much rather that have been real, and her reaction just be some weird…I don’t know what. If what happened was of her own doing that means it’s more likely that we can find some sort of solution and then this whole thing can be worked out.” Alex thumbed the keypad on his cellphone as he said this. He wanted to call Anna. He’d tried before, but he wanted to keep trying. Maybe she thinks I wasn’t serious about it. Maybe it’s her parents. Maybe it was going too quickly. Maybe…Maybe it’s me. Alex couldn’t seem to find a mute button for his mind, ever since receiving that message from Anna.
---
This set, rather appropriately I feel, opens the 2nd Chapter(of 24). As you can(see: should) be able to tell, the Alex-Anna Conflict has reached a Climax(I’m considering putting one of the moments right before the climax at the end of this blog, just because I think it’s bloody adorable). I re-wrote the first sentence, spoken by Aaron, at least a half-dozen times because I wasn’t sure how to properly word it without making it too wordy. I’m not overly satisfied with this one, truthfully.
*disclaimer: I’m 100% aware that the ‘blame it on the hormones’ thing makes girls want to rage and stab somebody. However, I’m also 100% aware that guys use that at least once a day when a girl does something ‘crazy’.

Set IV -


“Way to not text me back, earlier. Sure know how to make a girl feel unimportant, huh Alex?” Alex looked over his shoulder to see Erin walking towards him.
“Sorry about that. It hasn’t been a good people day.” Alex mumbled, as he continued walking. He knew that he would feel guilty for giving Erin the cold shoulder, but he would worry about that later. He wanted to do everything in his power to avoid having to talk to anyone, especially girls he had feelings for, past or present, tonight.
“Alexander Porter, don’t you dare walk away from me. You turn around right now.” Erin said, frustration apparent in her voice. Alex immediately remembered that Erin wasn’t one to give up a fight easily. He turned around, and looked at her, trying to force a smile. Clearly it wasn’t working. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, or why you’re acting like this. If there’s anything I can do, I’ll help you,” Erin paused, “But, if you ever give me that ‘it’s not a good people day’ crap and walk away from me again, I will kick your ass and never speak to you again. Are we clear?” Erin was, without a doubt, one of the toughest – yet most kindhearted- girls Alex had ever met. And, perhaps this was the reason for his smiling for only the second time that day.
---
One of my favorite moments. Just because I feel like Erin, in this moment, perfectly captures the person she is based off of. The ‘I care about you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll take shit from you’ attitude. She’s probably my favorite, (slight spoiler alert..I guess) which is why it hurts my heart later in the story when Alex does what he does.

Set V


“Hey Anna. How are you?” Alex said. A pained look came across his face, as he looked into Anna’s eyes.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I really wish I could explain things, but it would only make it even more complicated if I did.” A tear began rolling down Anna’s cheek as she said this.
“It’s ok Anna. I get it, really.” Alex said, half-smiling.
“I know you’re just saying that to make me not feel like a bitch, but thanks. I really am sorry. It’s just a big complicated mess and I don’t want to drag you into it.” Anna said, attempting a smile. Alex could see that this decision was weighing as heavily on Anna, as it had on him, and it softened him a bit.
“Anna, whatever is going on, I want to help you. Whatever you need me to”
“No, Alex…You can’t. It’s just…I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I’d feel so guilty about it, if you did. I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish things didn’t have to be like this.
---
Resolution of Conflict Arc-I. One of the less enjoyable parts to write, having lived through it and , thus, having to relive it to make sure it was accurate(mostly) to what happened. I have this story of what happened to Anna(which I had to make up) written down just to remind myself that I didn’t make her be a giant asshole for no reason.

Set VI

“So, you broke your finger? That’s awful. You were dumb back then weren’t you.” Kayla said, trying to contain her laughter.
“I don’t see anything at all amusing. You’re an awful friend, ya know that? I was dumb, I know. But you could’ve at least not reminded me about it.” Alex said.
“Oh, get over it. You’re such a cry baby sometimes. And I’m an AMAZING friend, thank you very much!” Kayla proclaimed, pushing Alex away.
“Right, and I’m Prince Albert.” Alex said.
“Oh wow! I didn't know I was in the presence of royalty! It's an honor!”
“You're such a smartass. Chris has corrupted you majorly. You used to be such a sweet girl.”
“What?! Used to be? I still am sweet! I'm the sweetest!! You're such a jerk!” Kayla punched Alex in the arm as she said this.
“Oh, relax. You know I was just kidding, my goodness. No need for violence. You are still kinda sweet.” Alex said, smirking.
“Only kinda?” Kayla asked, batting her eyes.
“Alright, alright. You're very sweet. You're the sweetest person I know.” Alex said.
“That's better!” Kayla proclaimed, smiling.
“You’re still a jerk though. You’re just a very sweet jerk. That’s contradictory, I know, but whatever. Just go with it, ok?” Alex said, smiling.
---
This set skips from the end of Chapter 2, to the middle of Chapter 4(long story.) It’s Kayla and Alex, the 2 main characters for much of this story, together. There’s a ton of backstory behind their relationship, but it’s far too complicated to put into this small a space. Suffice to say, you all should know this story(unfortunately).

Set VII

“Alex, what are you doing here? I thought she was with Chris this morning?” Rein asked.
“She was. His family just left for another vacation, and he couldn’t just strand her so he asked me to pick her up.” Alex said.
Rein gave him a look of suspicion and then spun around. “You better not be screwing up their relationship, Alexander. I won’t be your friend anymore, if you are.” Rein said from down the hallway, before closing her bedroom door.
“Ignore her. She’s just being the over-protective big sister who doesn’t trust guys.” Kayla said, laughing.
Alex smirked. “Well, she should at least trust me. She knows I wouldn’t do anything.” He said.
“Oh really? And why not? Am I not hot enough for you Alexander?” Kayla asked, in a mocking tone.
“That is not at all the problem, and you know it. You are plenty hot for me, I assure you.” Alex said, looking Kayla in the eyes.
“Then what is it?” Kayla asked, calmly.
“Two reasons,” Alex paused. “The first being, the obvious one: Chris and I are friends. I’d hate to do that to him. Even if he is a jerk sometimes.” He said, looking away from Kayla.
“And the second reason?” she asked.
Alex looked into Kayla’s eyes. “You’re far too good to be with someone like me. You deserve somebody way better.” The two sat in silence, looking at one-another.
---
Fun fact about this set(which is from Chapter 5. No worries. I try not to overload my chapters with the same sort of set pieces, unless 1,000% necessary) It’s happened to me twice. Another fun-fact: both times wound up with the girl. A final fun-fact: cheated on by both, thus proving my theory that I wasn’t good enough. *Boom*. In non-personal analysis: this is one of my favorite Alex-Kayla moments. Solely because I know what it means for the both of them.

Set VIII

“What’s up dude? I got your text. Sorry it took so long to call. I was at work.” Aaron said.
“It's cool dude. I was just trying to get your opinion on something.” Alex said
“Alright, well what about?”
“Erin...and Kayla...” Alex said.
“...What?” Aaron said, in a confused tone.
“Well, the thing is I think that Erin and I are getting really close again and we’re starting to hang out a lot and I still kinda like her. But, the way things have been with Kayla lately.”
“Whoa, gotta stop you right there. Kayla, as in Chris’ girlfriend Kayla? The Kayla that you said you definitely weren’t trying to steal from him? That Kayla?” Aaron asked.
“Yes…That Kayla…Well, anyways, things have gotten kind of weird between us.”
“Weird in the bad way or weird in the good way?”
“Weird in the good way. The very, very good way.” Alex said, trying to refrain from smiling.
“So you and Kayla hooked up. But you still want to date Erin. My advice to you: give up on both of them.” Aaron said, smirking.
“Thanks bro. You’re real helpful.” Alex said snidely.
“I’m sorry dude. I just don’t see why this is such a big deal to you. I mean you and Erin already did the dance and it didn’t work out for you, and Kayla is with Chris so she’s off limits. You’re better off just giving up on both of them. You don’t even realize what they’re doing to you. It’s ridiculous.”
---
First off, this never happened. This probably definitely should have happened, but it never did. Secondly(and very much spoiler alerty), this is where you start to see the beginning of a rift grow between Aaron and Alex. Which makes me sad for 2 reasons: 1 – Alex and Aaron has awesome bro-chemistry. 2 – Zach plays a much less important role than Aaron )perhaps by design, since that’s how it worked out with the real people)

Set IX

“Hey bro, what’s up? I was just about to text you.” Alex said, answering his phone.
“Yeah right. You were going to make me wait until tomorrow, asshole. How’d your little date go?” Aaron said, snidely.
“Actually, it went pretty well. We talked, and had a bit of fun too. It was interesting, to say the least.” Alex paused. “Oh, and we made out which is pretty telling of the fact that she’s into the idea of us dating again.” Alex smirked.
“Well then, I guess kudos to you sir. So, what are you going to do about Kayla?” Aaron asked.
Alex sighed, before laughing a bit. “You’re really not going to leave her out of any of this are you?”
“Not until you tell me what you’re going to do about it. Or explain to me why you even started anything with her to begin with.” Aaron said.
“Well, for your information asshole, I’m heading over to see her and end things right now. Does that make you happy?” Alex asked.
“Not quite. I’ll be happy when I know it’s done and you’re no longer out of your effing mind. Thank God for Erin. I’d hate to think how far this crap could’ve gotten if she hadn’t boned you.” Aaron said.
“She didn’t bone me, asshole. And, for the record, nothing has really happened between Kayla and I. We kinda kissed once, but that was it. Other than that, we just hangout a lot. And that’s no big deal, or at least it shouldn’t be.”
---
Another Aaron-Alex set piece. If I didn’t know any better I’d think this story was about their relationship. And, no, this didn’t happen either. Again, probably should have, but it didn’t. You’ll notice that earlier when Anna was speaking I did not capitalize ‘god’, but when Aaron said it, I did. That’s sort of my way of hinting at religious ties of the individual characters. *Boom*? Yeah. I think that deserves a *Boom*

Set X

“Didn’t you say you talked to Erin earlier today? How’d that go?” Kayla asked from behind the bathroom door.
“I did say that, and it went kind of well, I guess. Probably should’ve mentioned this sooner, but she and I are sort of dating now.” Alex said between deep breaths. He could hear that Kayla had stopped moving. He opened his mouth to speak, but paused when he heard a footstep.
“That’s…great. I’m happy for you, Alex.” Kayla said.
Alex could sense the anguish in her voice. “I’m sorry, Kayla. I wanted to tell you sooner. I just…wasn’t sure yet.” Alex paused as Kayla opened the door. He could see the pain on her face, and instantly felt guilty. Kayla, tears beginning to form in her eyes, took a step towards him. She then caressed his cheek, before taking a step closer and kissing him.
Kayla pulled away, and looked Alex in the eyes. “Is that what you weren’t sure about? Whether or not there was something there between us? Because, I’ve known it was there all along. And I think, deep down, you did too. Even when both of us were trying to fight it, I knew. But, given the situation, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to put any effort into this.” Kayla said, as she looked away.
---
I honestly have nothing to say about this. Other than, as with my previous 2, that it never actually happened. I will say that, unlike the past 2, it never should have happened because then I’d have a lot more things to feel guilty about.

Set XI

“Hey baby! How was your day? You miss me?” Erin asked.
“Of course I miss you babe. My day was alright, I guess. But it would have been a lot better if you were here so we could’ve seen each other. You guys are coming home tomorrow right?” Alex said.
“Awww Alex. Yes I will be home tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you! Although, rumor has it you’ve kept busy by hanging out with Kayla almost every day since I left.” Erin said, laughing.
“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out a bit. Chris is out of town, and he always tells me to make sure I take care of her. So we do spend a fairly substantial amount of time together. She’s like my best friend anyways. Well, my best friend minus you of course.” Alex laughed.
“Well that’s good. So, I don’t have anything to worry about right?” Erin asked.
“Of course you have nothing to worry about babe. Kayla and I are just friends. I’m just hanging out with her so much as a favor to Chris. He worries about her when he isn’t here, and he knows he can trust me. You should trust me too. The only girl I want is you. So just hurry up and get home, ok? I miss you.” Alex said softly.
“I know, I know. I do trust you. I just hate being all the way out here while Kayla is there cozying up with my boyfriend. I’m just jealous, I guess. I’m sorry.” Erin said.
“It’s okay. If it were the other way around I would be jealous too.”
---
This set piece bothers me for 3 reasons: 1 – I’m not sure how much of the believability factor is in here. 2 – I feel like Erin’s Character, at least when she’s with Alex, becomes much weaker than she was initially portrayed. Which I guess could be considered natural since some people do change when they’re in a relationship. 3 – I feel like too much is said while, at the same time, not enough is said.

Set XII

“Hey Alex.” Kat said, as he walked closer to where she was standing.
“Hello Katherine. It is a pleasure to see you. I received your communication, and came here as swiftly as I could.” Alex said, faking a British accent.
“Alex, stop talking like that.” Kat said in an annoyed tone.
“Fine, spoil sport. So what’s up?” Alex said, smiling.
“You and Erin is what. She told me about the message you sent to her, and I was there when she sent hers to you. All I have to say is if you screw this up again I will kill you, got me? She is my dearest sister and I refuse to watch her get hurt again, especially by the same guy.” Kat said in a serious tone.
“I promise you, there is absolutely nothing to worry about Kat. I’m not going to do anything to hurt Erin. I made a huge mistake last time, but I’m not going to do it again. And if I do mess up again then I’ll kick my own ass.” Alex said.
“You better mean that. You didn’t see her the night she found out about you and your little secret. She was a mess. I don’t know why she is even going through with this, but she likes you a lot. So, you better take better care of her this time.” Kat said, as she turned to walk away.
---
This is something that I felt was pointlessly necessary. Brings Kat(who will play a HUGE role towards the backend of this one. I can feel it) a bit more into the forefront, and shows how her relationship with Erin is opposite of what the guys have. My only concern is, how much does this, one again, crush the model I built for Erin. Granted, later on, she does return to her ‘normal’ self. I suppose it’s the Alex-Effect that gets to her, as it does Kayla(and others). He changes them in terrible ways. Alex is a giant piece of shit.



Anywho. That’s all I have for you guys, for today. Please, please, share any feedback you have. I greatly appreciate the good and bad. Depending on how this goes, I may d it with my other stories\plays\musicals\etc. Who knows.
If you want to read more of this story, or read any of my other stuff, let me know. I’ve got all kinds of crap that I’ve been working on.
Also, feel free to take guesses on who the characters are based off of. Some are obvious, but some might not be. And there are plenty more that weren’t mention in this, but are in the story, so don’t let that bruise your ego.



                                                                                                                                                                                        ,Mazzus Keesaji

A Play Written by Me

So, this semester I decided to take a creative writing class. Writing is one of the few things that I can find joy in, aside from Music. So, I figured this would be a fun class. Our professor(who is really, really hot) used to be an actress, so a major part of our final portfolio is writing a 10-minute play. When I found out about this I panicked. I’ve never written a play before. I’d never even thought about writing a play before. She gave us this obscenely thick packet, and told us to read it to better understand the format, etc. I read it, and then attempted to write a few plays. I think they are all crap, but when we work-shopped this play in class, they all loved it. So, I figured I’d go to the internet and see what you guys thought of it. So, please give this a read and let me know what you think. It will really help me out.
*note: this isn’t the entire thing. it’s 4 1\2 of the 7 pages I have written so far. But there are sections in the other pages that aren’t completed yet.
*note(again): I have a bunch of other stuff(plays, and non-plays) that I’ve written. If you want to read them, shoot me and e-mail. I’m sure you can find my e-mail address somewhere around here…If not, ask for it.

------

I Quit

Characters
Michael Repo\‘DJ Rep’: Jockey for K1902: The Groove. A clueless sex-obsessed tool.
Jayne Wilson: Producer for K1902: The Groove. A bit of a prude.
Rick Miser: Owner of K1902: The Groove. A supreme douchebag.
Bianca Reese\ B-Rose: New co-host for ‘Morning Show’ on K1902: The Groove. A bit of an air-head.

Setting
A Radio Station in Sacramento, California. The studio is small, cramped, and smells of cheap whisky and ‘extra spicy’ hot wings.
(DJ REP refers to Michael speaking on air.)
(B-ROSE refers to Bianca speaking on air.)

MICHAEL walks into the studio, clears the trash away from the desk, and plops into the chair. He looks through the glass, where the show’s producers are, gives a thumbs-up and reaches for the microphone. He pauses, takes his hand off of the mic and wipes it on his pants leg.
MICHAEL: Can we please do something about the late show and their in-ability to clean up after themselves?
JAYNE: Mike, you know those guys wouldn’t listen to anything we said.
MICHAEL: (sighs) Yeah, well, it could never hurt to try again.
(MICHAEL wipes a sticky substance off of the microphone’s handle and adjusts it)
JAYNE: If I recall, you’re not exactly known for your cleanliness. I remember several nights when I woke up and stepped into a pile of some sort of leftover food item from god-knows how long ago.
ASSISTANT: And we’re live in 5…4…3…2…1…
DJ REP: What is up Sacramentoooo! It’s the one and only DJ REP coming at you live from the best kept secret on the West Coast…
(MICHAEL/DJ REP continues his introduction {in a whispered tone, to indicate being in the background}, as RICK MISER enters the production room. Everyone acknowledges him, except for JAYNE who scoffs.)
RICK: I see the execs decided to ignore my advice, and still have you working on your boyfriends show.
JAYNE: I see you decided to ignore my advice and didn’t drive your car into The Sacramento.
RICK: Still feisty as ever. It’s amazing you don’t have your own show -
JAYNE: Why are you here Rick?
RICK: - but, I guess that’s because of your incredibly annoying voice -
JAYNE: If you’re just here to harass me again, I’ll have security boot you.
RICK: - or, maybe it’s because the execs know you’re not capable of being a civil person -
JAYNE: Seriously. I will have you kicked out. I’ll call my friend and have him tow your car too.
RICK: - perhaps, they realize that you just aren’t cut out to be an on-air jockey. Which is why you’re stuck in here, producing.
JAYNE: (pauses) Rick, get out.
RICK: I can’t do that. Not yet, anyway. I have an important announcement for your little crew here and that annoyingly perverted, yet incredibly charming, jockey of yours.
MICHAEL: What about me?
JAYNE: Please continue, Rick. What’s the (air quotes) “big news” you have for us?
RICK: (clears throat, straightens posture) You (pauses) are all fired.
(JAYNE and MICHAEL share a glance through the glass. MICHAEL shakes his head.)
JAYNE: If we were fired, we would have been told a lot sooner than when you got here. Either tell us what’s going on or get out.
RICK: Fine. You’re not fired. Not yet, anyway. But, ratings are plummeting. Something has to be done or else you will be fired.
MICHAEL: What can we do to change that? I’m doing my best here.
RICK: Do any of you know what the best morning show in the city, in-fact in the entire state, does? It’s definitely not asking people to call in and “talk about the booty-call they had last night”.
JAYNE: Our second highest rated segment, I’d like to point out.
MICHAEL: Everybody loves the “booty-call call-in”. Speaking of which…
DJ REP: (begins speaking into the microphone. Puts wild emphasis on “booty-call” as he lowers voice to, again, suggest he is in the background)
RICK: Your second highest rated segment is about childish sex. That should be all the reason we need to pull you off of the air.
JAYNE: But, you can’t because you know we’re the best show this station has. There is no replacement for us.
DJ REP: (continues on, in the background. Randomly ‘shouts’ “Whoa, now that’s sexy!”)
RICK: Unfortunately, you are correct. We can’t pull you off of the air, just yet. First we have to ‘experiment, and attempt to bring the ratings up’. Which is the real reason for my visit today.
DJ REP: (Randomly ‘shouts’ “Anytime a lady can do that, I’m down for a little night long romance.”)
JAYNE: Why don’t you just spill it already, Rick. You’re distracting me from doing the job which you seem to think I’m incapable of doing.
RICK: I never said ‘incapable’. I merely suggested that there were a dozen others who can do the job better than you. But, they’re far more expensive -
JAYNE: You’re point…
RICK: If you would focus a little less on having relationships with your coworkers, and more time making sure they do their jobs -
JAYNE: Seriously, Rick, get to the point.
RICK: - Maybe even spend extra time around the station, getting more familiar with how radio is properly done.
JAYNE: Alright, I’m calling my friend to have your car towed -
RICK: The point being I think it’s time to -
DJ REP: (voice begins to increase in volume) …and all I can say is DAMN ya’ll got a lot of booty last night. Now, while you rinse away all the naughty feelings, here are some groovy tunes. I’ll be back later with your morning ho-ho-horoscopes.
RICK: (shakes head in disgust as he looks from MICHAEL to JAYNE.) I think it’s time to bring in some new blood. Someone young and hip. And, preferably, someone who can bring a more feminine taste to the show.
MICHAEL: A gay guy? I have no problem with them outside of the work place, but close proximity doesn’t sit right with me. He will fall in love with me and then I’ll have to fight off his advances, but one day decide it might not be so bad to experiment (MICHAEL continues rambling as the others stare at him, surprised looks on their faces.) I guess it wouldn’t be so bad, excluding the heartbreak when I realize I wasn’t actually gay and was just pretending to be so I could finally be loved.
JAYNE: Mike! Shut-up.
MICHAEL: (Stops talking. Looks away from JAYNE and RICK)
RICK: Actually, I wanted to bring in a female co-host for the show.
JAYNE: Really? Who?
MICHAEL: Another woman? Really?
JAYNE: What do you mean another woman?
RICK: Bianca Reese.
MICHAEL: The Bianca Reese? The gorgeous voice, and equally gorgeous face, that was just kicked off the air by that station-that-shall-not-be-named? That Bianca Reese?
RICK: Yes, Michael, that Bianca Reese.
JAYNE: How can the station afford her? She must be taking a huge pay-cut from what she used to be getting.
RICK: Actually, you are the one taking a pay-cut Jayne.
JAYNE: What? But, I’ve been here for almost 8 years.
RICK: Yes, and you’ve been serviceable for those 8 years. But, Bianca is a special talent. She doesn’t need a producer as much as Michael does. So, since your role is less important, your pay is lessened.
JAYNE: This is ten kinds of bullshit. What makes you think I won’t just walk out of here right now? I can find other jobs, you know.
RICK: I was hoping you would say that. Bianca has a younger brother, fresh out of college, who would love to work as the producer of our morning show and would do it for next-to-nothing. Please, by all means, leave.
JAYNE: (scoffs. Mumbles “I’m so having your car towed.”)
BIANCA: (Enters studio, comments on how disgusting it looks, and terrible it smells. Sits across from MICHAEL) I guess we’re partners now.
MICHAEL: It’s an honor, Bianca. Can I just say you have an amazing breasts.
JAYNE: Great first impression, Mike. (pauses) Hi, I’m Jayne. I’m the producer.
RICK: (Pushes JAYNE aside) Hello, again, Ms. Reese.
BIANCA: Hi Rick.
MICHAEL: (whispering to himself) I can’t believe I did that. I meant ‘voice’ not ‘breasts’. Not that she doesn’t have nice breasts. Stop it Mike. Focus. Nice voice now, nice breasts later. Prioritize.
RICK: If you need anything at all, you be sure to call me. I’ll be in touch to make sure these fools haven’t ruined your career. (Smiles and waves, giddily. Turns, straightens himself and immediately changes his demeanor to a more proper business-like manner) I hope to not be seeing you lot anytime in the near future. But, if I must, I hope it’s to fire every last one of you. Treat Bianca well. She is the future star of this station. (Leaves)
BIANCA: So, what’s the next segment on the show? I don’t mean to force myself onto you guys
JAYNE: Well, actually. I was thinking you could take today to just observe and -
MICHAEL: Oh please. Force away. Mi radio show es tu radio show…Or something.
BIANCA: Awesome. So, what is this next segment (pauses) ‘ho-ho-horoscopes’? What?
MICHAEL: Well, you see -
JAYNE: Mike reads the horoscopes, which he made up, and puts them in context for hookers. And then he closes out the segment with (pauses) what was that tagline, Mike?
MICHAEL: (shifts uncomfortably) Well, I usually close the segment with “And that’s your ho-ho-horoscope for today. Remember, if he ain’t payin’ you the big bills, then he can touch his own little bill”.
JAYNE: That’s our Mike. Or, rather, DJ Rep. He’s something.
BIANCA: He’s something alright. Something brilliant -
JAYNE: Oh for the love of -
BIANCA: How do you come up with these?
MICHAEL: Well, I -
BIANCA: Is it a collective effort, or are all of these amazing taglines just floating around in your head?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. I guess -
JAYNE: The only thing floating around in that head of his is -
BIANCA: I can already tell this is going to be a great experience. I’m really excited to work with you, Mike.
MICHAEL: (whispering) oh baby
JAYNE: (whispering) oh brother
ASSISTANT: We’re coming back live soon.
JAYNE: Alright, Bianca. Just follow Mike’s lead. And try not to get too disturbed by his subject choice in the next segment. Or, the rest of the segments.
BIANCA: I’m always willing to try anything once.
MICHAEL: (whispering) oh baby
JAYNE: (whispering) oh brother
ASSISTANT: And we’re live in 5…4…3…2…1…
DJ REP: What is up, Sacramento. We are back live on your number one Groove Station, K1902: The Groove. And, faithful listeners, I have a huge announcement. Joining me live, right now, and for the remainder of this shows life: the lovely Ms. Bianca Reese, otherwise known as B-Rose. How are you doing this fine morning, Ms. B-Rose?
B-ROSE: Quite lovely, DJ Rep. Quite lovely. Anxious to get back into the groove of being on the radio, and guiding everybody on their way to work in the mornings.
DJ REP: Well, you definitely chose the right station to get back into that Groove. So, why don’t we just jump right in?

Psychology and Psychosis II - why I'll never admit that I need you people

This one was a long time coming. I've been trying to decide exactly how best to word this entry. it kept making less and less sense, the more I wrote. But, I had an epiphany and realized why that was: I never make sense. That's part of my...charm? Whatever. Point is, that's part of who I am. I'm not supposed to make sense. If I ever start to make sense, then check yourself into an institution because you're officially as bonkers as my crazy ass(and that's no good. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!)

So, in part one we discussed Why I'll kill myself, but not you guys. Wasn't that a fun ride into my insanity? Yeah. You know you're dying to read part 2. And, what that will cover is this: Why my aversion to people, and over-all lack of social skills, makes me the best-worst friend you've ever had, but neither of us will ever admit it.("sheesh, TJ, already with the not making any goddamn sense. This is ridiculous. *RageQuit*")

The Theory
It's simple: I'm not a people person. And, because I'm not a people person, I don't like people and people naturally don't like me. That's the way this game works.
I wasn't always this way. I used to love people. But, then people started to change. And, the way people were changing forced a change in me. A change that I wasn't really...how do I put this...I wasn't surprised by this change in myself. I was more surprised that it happened so early, I guess. Even when I was younger, and actually did like people and being social, I was still a relatively solitary person. I liked people a lot more, back then, than I do now. If young TJ had been in the situation that 22 year old TJ was in today(I hate my life. You're not supposed to dwell on the past, but goddammit I am dwelling on this one. That was just...I failed so hardcore. Life is not my best subject. god-fucking-dammit. I hate everything), it would have gone a lot differently. But, that's how people have effected me. They've forced a change in me, a change that has it's upside but a SEVERE downside. And, unfortunately, it's a change that isn't all that easy to undo.(you fuckers. thanks a-fucking-lot.)
Being able to keep yo myself and not have to worry about people and their nonsense, on those days when I really don't want to deal with it, is EFFING FANTASTIC. But, on those days when I actually like people and want to talk to them, this is AN GODDAMN NIGHTMARE.
Why is it a nightmare?

The Reasons
Think back to all of the conversations you and I have had. Try to remember how incredibly one-sided they often were. There was always either a lot of me talking, or very little of me talking. I'd either be pushing the conversation forward, or merely adding my two-cents whenever I felt it was necessary. There is no middle ground with me. This is due to a major flaw in my "solitary" nature: Whenever I do want to talk to people, and not have it be a huge emotional mess, it's nearly-effing-impossible because that's just something I don't do. I don't do it too often, so i don't have enough practice at normal people everyday talk. Sure, I listen to people, but just because you watched a World Class Pianist play insanely hard music doesn't mean you can regurgitate it on the spot. That's not how it works. Everything in life requires practice(as a musician, how many times have we heard this analogy? Even outside of music-related things. My Psych teacher says it all the time. "You have to study and memorize this stuff the same way you'd practice an instrument to get better at it." a total lie, in my case, since I got an 80 on my first time, and didn't study, and totally aced this last one which I didn't study for. But, that's neither here-nor-there.)So, my lack of practice greatly hinders my ability to handle everyday conversation. But, dammit, you mention drumline\band stuff and I'll never effing shut up. Why? It's my natural element. The people I talk to most are music people. I love what I do so I like to talk about it. People who don't know about it, ask me about it. 1+1+1= me talking uncontrollably and looking like a giant goddamn band-geek. THIS IS NOT OKAY.



Your Side of The Story
"If someone messages you their life story, you don't fucking shoot them down.You're even lucky someone cares enough to share that kind of story with you. Also, your opinion is not everyone else's. That was bitchy. Grow up and shut your mouth."
^Kelly Dress in response to what someone else said regarding my mass message life story on fb. November 17th, 2009. Proof why she is one of my best friends ever.

There are people that I love, and that love me back. There are people that are awesome, and that think I'm awesome. And it BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND.
Apparently it goes like this: My 'I want people to leave me alone' defense-mechanism is what actually draws them to me. They see "mute, short black guy" and get some sort of weird sexual satisfaction out of trying to get me to talk and be their friend(I feel so used). But, then they realize how terrible of an idea that is. I'm a shitty person, 85% of the time. That other 15% I'm effing boss, and I make all your other friends look like giant douchebags. The trouble is, that it takes quite a while for me to be that awesome version of me. Until then, I'm nothing but a pain-in-the-ass. And a huge one at that. It's pretty awful, really. And, because of that, it takes very little for people to get sick of me. But, I sometimes lack to human skills necessary to give a crap. So, it just keeps coming.


We Terrify Each Other
In the end it comes down to this: You guys are afraid of me, because you think I'll kill you due to my lack of talking, and because you realize that I'm legitimately insane and therefore a threat to myself and everyone around me. More-so a burden to you guys, than a threat.
And, I am bloody petrified of you. I'll never admit it in person, and I'll probably deny even typing this, but people scare me to death. The idea of people scares me. The idea of needing you guys, wanting to be involved with anything you do, that scares me to death.
I'd love to be a normal person. I'd love to be able to have normal conversations, and not have my mind over analyzing every last word, and sound. I'd love to be normal. But, I'm not. I'm me. And I suck.


As always, don't expect any of this to make much sense. It's not entirely for your sake. This is helps me get ridiculous thoughts out of my poor, already damaged, mind. Basically, I'll be surprised if more than 10% of this wasn't just "blahblahblahblahblahblahRAMBLEblahARGHblahblahOHNOOOblahblahblahRAMBLERAMBLEBITCHMOANGRRRARGHblahblahFUCKINGBLAH" to you guys.

,Mazzus